I had a strong desire to call my mom today.
I haven’t called mom very frequently, no more than once a week because I needed time for myself to adjust after my caregiver days ended.
Then as most of you know, my husband got prostate cancer so naturally my heart was first and foremost with him.
He is the love of my life. Next month we will celebrate 43 years of marriage.
As most of you know, my brothers and I have a strained relationship.
I took care of mom for 20 years all alone as the primary caregiver, 15 years in my home and was heading for completely burning out. I tried to involve my brothers in mom’s care but they weren’t interested in anything but themselves.
When my brothers were involved it was to criticize me because mom had a habit of stirring the pot, which caused stress for everyone.
I got fed up and told my mom to go live with my brother and sister in law. I had done more than my share.
Needless to say, this is never the relationship that anyone wishes to have with family members. I always desired to live in harmony.
Sometimes family dynamics evolve into complex situations filled with a mixed bag of emotions.
I don’t know how I managed to be the primary caregiver for as long as I did. Parkinson’s disease is brutal.
I also cared for my oldest brother and dad before they died. I have seen so much sadness in my life due to various issues.
It changed me watching my mother suffer endlessly. I lived in depression and had enormous anxiety as a primary caregiver without help.
My brother answered the phone when I called mom today.
He told me that mom is now bed bound in a hospice facility. I feel relieved that she is now in a facility. It’s truly for the best.
One of our long time posters (Lealonnie) comforted me throughout my entire caregiving and afterwards. I will forever be grateful. She has a heart of gold and truly understands suffering. She told me that my brother would see what I went through with my mom as he cared for her in his home. She was 100 percent correct!
We needed distance from each other in order for healing to occur. He apologized to me and said, “I now know what you went through. I am so sorry that I wasn’t a brother for you to talk to. I was wrong and should have supported you.” I cried so hard hearing these words.
When he took over mom’s care I did not interfere as he did with me. Mom would never complain to me about him because she is very old fashioned and won’t criticize a man. It’s common for some women in mom’s era to feel like the man has authority over women. Mom is 95.
I am so grateful for everyone on this forum. You have helped me more than you know. I can’t list everyone because the list would be too long but I hope you know how much I have appreciated your help.
This is a very emotional time for me. I will be going to see my mom very soon.
You walked me through many dark days and nights.
Your wisdom and compassion that you so generously gave will always remain in my heart.
I found this poem last night. I love it. Music and poetry speaks to my soul.
Those we love don’t go away, they walk beside us everyday.
Unseen, unheard, but always near, so loved, so missed, so very dear.
It's natural to think of others who have passed when a loved one leaves us. It brings back memories. If your aunt is going to be too hard for you to call, someone else can do it Be easy on yourself. Keep your boundaries. You don't have to have visitors if you don't want them right now.
I believe what Lea told me, that my brother had to experience caregiving first hand to appreciate what I went through but I also believe that mom prayed for a reconciliation between her children.
However it happened, I am glad too.
Thank you.
You have listened to all of my pain without judgment. You will never know what that means to me.
I see and feel the empathy that you have for anyone going through trying times, but you also rejoice with others whenever a situation turns around.
My cousin is the oldest relative in my family. She has always been very independent.
I actually admire her a lot, even if she can be a bit stubborn at times.
She lost her mom when she was very young. Her dad remarried and had a second family and basically abandoned her.
She had two siblings. Her sister went with a cousin. She and her brother (my godfather) went to live with my grandfather’s sisters. My great aunts were very strict with her.
She flew the coop right after graduating and got a job in D.C.! She met her husband there and eventually she moved back to New Orleans.
She lives in independent living for seniors now. She says that she has to take care of the ‘OLD’ people in her building!
She has that kind of ‘take charge’ kind of personality. She means well.
She is a character!
Your Mom has passed?
So very sorry for your loss today. 💞🌹💞
I recall a few months ago some posters wondered where you might have gone as you were dealing with your husband's illness and took a break from AC. You were truly missed. I also recall you reaching out to me after I found this site. It was a very kind and helpful gesture that I still remember so well today.
It is always hard to find the right words at these times. They all come from the heart. I hope that might provide some source of what you need as you take on this new reality in your life.
I know mom’s death is real. I have gone to the hospice house to see her so often that it feels odd not to be going there now.
The caregivers gave mom’s rosary to my brother for me to have.
I know that memories will hit me hard when I see the rosary again.
I signed the paperwork for mom to be cremated.
Apparently, all children have to sign the papers and if one doesn’t want a cremation they can block it. That seems strange to me but all signatures are needed for legal reasons, even if cremation is what mom wanted.
At first, mom didn’t want cremation. I told her we would do whatever she desired. Years ago cremation wasn’t accepted in the Catholic faith but it is totally acceptable now.
My father wasn’t cremated and we had the wake and funeral Mass but she decided long ago that she didn’t see the point of spending so much money on her death.
Plus, everything is different during these times with Covid.
My younger brother is sort of distancing himself from his emotions.
My older brother is a bit overwhelmed.
It’s a mix of emotions for me but I am doing okay, and glad that mom is now with daddy because let’s face it, mom’s quality of life had gone down so far that life became a burden.
No one wishes to suffer at the end of life. In an ideal world, there would be no more suffering in our old age. Unfortunately, for many there is ongoing suffering.
Thank God for hospice. They truly are angels. I believe it’s a calling because a lot of people could not handle the emotions involved in working in hospice. They are special, very, very special.
I hope you're okay.
None of these words are working. Just know that I care and I'm not alone in care for you.
More💐💓💗🌺🌻🌸🌼🌷🌹💐
From earthly sunsets, into
heavenly sunrise.
Warm hugs NHWM.
I can tell you that for me, I felt every emotion we could possibly have over that weekend. It was a emotional roller coaster. As I can only speak for myself, as the days went on and as I did what had to be done and me taking my time for myself I started to process what I was feeling. One emotion at a time. I saw the good of her not being in a body that no longer worked, but became a prison to her & now she was free. It will take time for you whether it is sorting out your feelings or just coming to terms with how you feel. I am still processing some things, but it has become easy for me as the days go by and as I just feel whatever the emotion is at the fore front and release it. You may find that as you go through this you may go quickly through it or you may take it slower. There is no wrong or right way. There is only your way. You do what is best for you. Because Chriscat is right you feel however you feel and know that it is ok.
Your mom now can do all the things she wants to do. So can you. I wish I could give you a real hug. But sending you hugs is all I can do.
Sending you love & hugs! 💖
{{{{{NHWM}}}}}
I am glad that you and your brother were able to reconnect and he had a deeper understanding and appreciation of what you went through taking care of your mother. Your relationship with your brother is the first reconciliation of a damaged sibling relationship I've read on this forum. I am so glad for you both.
May you and your family find peace and healing in the days ahead.
I so appreciate your wishes for peace. That’s really all I have ever wanted in my life with my family.
I would think it’s what most people want deep down inside, at least I hope so.
We live. Hopefully, we learn to love. We die.
Knowing the definition of love can be quite tricky at times, can’t it? It seems to mean different things to different people.
People who are able to live in harmony the majority of the time are truly blessed.
So sorry to read of your mothers passing. Wishing you precious memories.
I’m sorry about your mom.
Thank you again for sharing your journey. You have helped so many of us learn from what you’ve been through.
May you and your family receive much peace.
It has been a long journey. It doesn’t quite seem real yet.
I think once mom’s ashes are in the plot it will become ‘real’ to me.
I am sad at times, certain memories keep flooding back. Mostly though, I am relieved and rejoice in the fact that mom is no longer in pain and with my father now.
She is at peace now and I know that she would want me to be at peace too.
I appreciate your kind words and sentiments.