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My MIL who has moderate ALZ has told her friend and caregiver that I am (her DIL that takes her to every appt. and does all of her financials and shopping etc. for the last three yrs) am bossy, and she is a adult, she can do things herself!! It stemmed from me telling her that her caregivers were going to start helping her shower. Since she can't remember when or if she took one. Is this just a normal phase? I know that I shouldn't take it personally, and it's the disease, but still hurts. So how do I handle the situation or do I just continue being "bossy"?

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We can’t say if she will get over the fact that you are the bossy lady or not.
Your MIL’s brain in broken . At some point she may forget you were the one that scheduled the bathing. Or she may get stuck and fixated on it like a broken record and complain .
Many of them get angry about their younger family member telling them what they need to do . At this stage your MIL can not recognize that she needs help . That is why she says she’s an adult and you are bossy .

If she lets the caregivers give her a shower , that’s a win , take it .
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 13, 2024
Absolutely! Accept help wherever it comes from. Wise advice, Way!

My mom would get in her moods and be uncooperative with me but was very cooperative with helpers from the agency that I used for her.

Mom loved her helpers and they enjoyed being there for her because she was cooperative with them.

Occasionally the helpers would tell me how difficult other clients were compared to my mom. My mom wanted to show her best self in front of others.
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Of course it hurts, often I find that people will hurt the people that they are closest to whether they have dementia or not. It’s generally because that’s who they feel safest around.

I am sorry that you are going through this. Wishing you peace.
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My dad has dementia and is very uncooperative in general, but almost never complains. Or speaks, for that matter. My mom has NOT been diagnosed with dementia and yet is very negative and complains and/or panics almost constantly and rejects 99% of the solutions I offer to her complaints. She does thank me at times.

my dad just tries to avoid whatever the aides want to help him with (say showering) but my mom actually fires them for having a bad attitude when really they are there to help her as much as him.

It’s hard to be old and infirm, and it’s also hard to be the person who helps them and get no appreciation. Best wishes.
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At ALL stages, and it is really individual as their own thumbprints. The truth is that some get wildly depressed, unhappy and verbally combative/argumentative in the very earliest stages when loss of control is apparent and fearsome, and they can enter a combination of recognition and denial that is often difficult to live with.

I like to remind people that the day you become a CAREGIVER you are no longer a DIL, a spouse, a girlfriend, a sister, a mother, a child. You are a CAREGIVER and you REPRESENT completely the world of loss and pain and zero control that the victim is facing.

That's how it is. You can embrace it, or you can move your senior to a caregiving situation so that you are one again able to be the DIL.
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