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It is unusual but not unheard of.
The first thing YOU need to do is decide if this is an acceptable arrangement for YOU. If not then you have to say so and given that you probably have 1 option, move out.
The ball is then in Matts court. Is Matt going to keep his promise to Mary ? Or does he accept that you can not handle the situation and tell Mary that she needs to have someone else as her caregiver. That is his decision to make.
IF you can handle the situation there are a few things that you ALL should do.
Have a Contract drawn up. Strongly suggest a Lawyer one versed in Elder Care.
Outline the scope of caregiving. At what point will either he nor you be able to care for her.
WHO will do the caregiving? This is Matts friend the burden should be on him but we all know that it probably will rest on you.
How much will you both get paid for taking on this role?
Will you (or Matt) have POA?
Does Mary have family ? If so will they step in at some point? If you have POA will family be a problem?
Is there a possibility that at some point would Mary need a Guardian? Would either of you become her Guardian?

As for housing...
I would look for a place that has an In-Law suite or at least 2 "Main bedrooms" (aka formerly known as Master bedrooms) AND at least one of them on the first floor and handicap accessible.
As far as purchasing it, you will need a lawyer with 3 unrelated people going on the title.
If renting, look for the same
Splitting household expenses by 3.

Personal opinion this is not a situation that I would want to get into
You might want to turn the tables on Matt and ask how he would react and deal with the situation if you had promised a male friend the exact same thing.
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Yes it’s weird, but it may not be the end of you and Matt. There are plenty of posters where husband wants his dear old mother to move in, and wife doesn’t want it because she can see that their marriage will never be the same. Husband often gets called a Mommy’s boy, and other insults. If wife doesn’t agree to the threesome, sometimes the marriage does break up. Sometimes it doesn’t, because husband changes his mind. There may be a bit of bitterness, but it is likely to fade as mother’s needs increase and husband gets a better idea of how it would have worked out.

Rather than reject him as husband material, perhaps you could say no and wait and see how it works out. If you then leave and he stays with her, you have your answer. If you stay, remember that there are male/ female friendships that are very strong, but they aren’t all that common. Propinquity makes a lot of difference to physical attraction, so that’s one more problem than Mommy.

However my daughter ended up regretting having hung around for 6 years with a guy who couldn't make up his mind. Don't waste too much time on this.
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BurntCaregiver Mar 2021
MargaretMcKen, this situation is WAY different then some mama's boy moving his domineering mother in and she starts butting heads and competing with the wife for his attention.
LauraBeth's boyfriend wants her, himself, and this Mary person to live as a 'thrupple'. Everyone's an adult and can do what they what. If she's not a freak who wants to get down like that then she needs to leave the boyfriend and not give him another chance. If he's into that lifestyle then him and Mary should find a third person who is too.
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Um, no. This is his way of trying to show you the door. You don't say if you have been having relations with this man (although I assume that), but I know too many men today who will have a marital type relationship with no commitment (actual marriage) with a young woman for a few years, and then move on to the next one. Finally, when the guy feels he is too old to play the field any longer, he may finally marry one. It sounds cynical, but it's kind of the way things work today. He can leave you at any time without looking back. My advice is to move on and consider it a valuable life lesson.

This guy basically wants you to take care of his friend. That takes some chutzpah. He's the one who made the promise to her. He is the one who should be making all the sacrifices if he is truly sincere. Somehow I doubt it.
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I’m not jumping to conclusions, just being aware of possible problems. You can decide if the other suggestions being made are at all relevant.

You’ve been ‘dating’ Matt for 2 years, and he’s 42. That’s quite old to settle down to a first marriage. You’ve known him earlier, but perhaps not so well. What has his relationship history been in the past? How long have his relationships lasted? Have you ever spoken to past partners? It might be worth checking. This is an important decision for you, and the more information you have, the better.

My DH2 was a first marriage for him, age 50, but we knew a lot about each other’s pasts before we both decided it was workable.
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I'm sure Matt is a good guy. He sounds very loyal and caring. It also sounds like Mary is a very nice woman. The problem is that you are 34 and you want marriage (and possibly children before you are too old to have them). That is simply not compatible with assuming ongoing close-up and personal care for another woman. You do not say exactly what Mary's degenerative health issues are, but it does not sound like they are necessarily life threatening...and at age 31 she will hopefully be around for years to come. There is no way he (and you) can assume this level of care and commitment for another person who is not your child.

Does Matt have a problem saying "no"? He may have just made some wild promises that he now feels he cannot back out of. So unfortunately it is up to you to lay down whatever ground rules you choose before it is too late. Know that your desires are not unreasonable at all, and that if he really wants to commit to you he will work to come up with alternative solutions that all of you can live with. Good luck!
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Here is what I am reading: He is taking advantage of your good nature. His lies are not honorable like you are making them out to be. Please take a step back and see what is really going on here. Your first mistake was moving in with them. Please make that your last mistake. Find someone who actually respects you rather than playing you.
As far as Mary goes, good grief, she has options of moving back closer to her family. Also, she should get vaccinated so he doesn't have to get all emotional with worry about her catching covid . YOU certainly don't owe her your future. That would be a hard no from me.
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Before you do or say anything, sit down and have a long think, then sit down with BF and have heart to heart talk. Why if you two were making long term plans did he never tell you even mention to you, hint or say anything about what he promised another woman? And if he didn't tell you this, what else has he not told you.

It's one thing to take care of spouses parents, quite another to take care of you BF's female friend. My gut tells me this won't work. Relationships with just two people are hard enough. She moved away from friends and family, why; why wouldn't her family take care of her?

Sooooo many questions, not many answers.
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Sounds like Matt fell in love with Mary & doesn't know what to do now. He also loves you, I guess, but maybe he loves Mary 'more', if that makes any sense. If it were me, I'd pack up & leave b/c it's just way way WAY too much to expect you to be part of such a ridiculous arrangement where he's 'caring' for his best friend who doesn't even sound so dreadfully sick, if you ask me. Leave him to her, and go find yourself a man of your very own. Who wants YOU and ONLY you, and to devote all his time and attention and caring to YOU.

I'm sorry you were blindsided like this.

Wishing you the best of luck moving on and away from this mess.
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Tell him good riddance & go find someone who cares about you. His plan for you is to become his girlfriend’s caregiver. Not a good plan for you. He also sounds like a professional con man...
Hugs 🤗
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Seems your boyfriend has made a commitment to this friend as if she was close family. I applaud that he promised to "help" her, but that needs to be addressed more fully. Does this mean caring for her long term if she needs 24/7 care in a shared dwelling? Since he could never provide "round the clock" care by himself, does this mean he expects you to provide care as well? What types of care is he going to do: housekeeping, meals, transportation, hygiene...? How do you feel about doing these kinds of care? Does this mean paying her medical bills (which could be exorbitant)?

You may also need to discuss what kind of life you expect to live together if it is a "forever relationship." Children? Extended family? Couple time without others? Please consider that this is a series of discussions that will help you both to decide if "forever" is indeed what you want together.
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What you should do is get tested.
Pelvic Inflammatory Disease
Causes
Many types of bacteria can cause PID, but gonorrhea or chlamydia infections are the most common. These bacteria are usually acquired during unprotected sex. PID can occur from having unprotected sex with multiple partners. PID is an inflammation that can go undetected and untreated. It can also render a woman infertile.

Mayo Clinic describes how inflammation can lead to autoimmune disorders, and degenerative issues.

Just the messenger here. You can shoot me now.
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h and P.S., there is no need to be delicate in your next discussion. Just say, “this won’t work for me.” No delicate explanation needed." MEPOWERS is right...
If this is not good for you , do not do it... No explanation necessary... tell him "Thank You, And The Best For You And Mary". I cannot do this "

clean and short no hard feelings.
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There's a reason why he wants to caretake Mary. And I think it's that she rejected him long before the two of you became an item. The story I'm telling myself about this is that she used her disease to dissuade him, making him believe he wouldn't want to be involved with someone who had health issues. So now, with covid vulnerability and geographic changes, new possibilities exist and emerge (in his mind only?). I would start educating myself about ethical non-monogamy and start having clear discussions with both of them. Because it sounds like the communication coming from only him about this is unconscious and impulse driven and a set up for pain. There's a term called "PUD" in the polyamory world. "Polyamorous under duress". When one person in the relationship goes along with the other's desire to have more than one partner but doesn't feel great about it. It's a trust issue and it can work, but many ground rules and respectful boundaries need to be in place.
He sounds unskilled in how he is going about trying to set up this arrangement. Emotionally immature. Find guidance if you are curious about exploring it. But don't take on all the heavy lifting for something HE is proposing. That is his job. He should grow up and reckon with what his fantasy would mean for everyone. Do YOU love Mary enough to do this?
If it feels icky, just get out.
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