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I feel like I am at a crossroads with my mom. She has ALZ (still full functioning other than short term memory loss). Her care team wants her out of her home, as do I, and placed in assisted living. Mom completely refuses because she wants no part of living in an apartment and being with old people as she states. I'm 1,000 miles away from her and unable to relocate back home where I haven't lived for over half my life.
My dad, her husband, is still living but in a rest home and on hospice. She said she isn't willing to do anything until he passes, but he's been on hospice since January '23. I'm trying to respect her wishes and have hired on a caregiver once a week but looking to increase visits soon.
Two weeks ago, mom fell outside, luckily in the grass, but could not get herself up. So, she sat up and was crying and yelling for help (I have cameras all around the house outside). Luckily a neighbor was able to assist. Now, I'm trying my best to find a great place for AL for her because I know she has to get out of her home and before winter hits.
With all this being said, what has been your experience with a LO far away with ALZ. Do you think it is more beneficial to have them relocate to you, in a city they know nothing about, nor know anyone else, or is it best to keep them in the area they've been living all their life? My mom loves going to her favorite places where she is at. She is a very sociable person. I don't want to completely shatter her world. It's a terrifying thought.
My fear with moving her to me is, she won't know a soul, won't be able to relate or talk about common places since she isn't from here, and people generally in the area I am at are just different (North vs South). Older people here in the South, from my experience, are a little more reserved and my mom is not that way. She's very progressive for her age! So, I fear she will find people her age rather boring here. I'm probably way overthinking it, but this will be my biggest decision I've had to make to date and it's scary!
Anyone with similar experience, please share your thoughts! I'm struggling big time and want to ensure I do my best to make the right decision for the both of us.

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Does the facility where your dad is have an assisted living attached that they could be close to each other? That of course would be the simplest solution.
And if not I would I would just look for one where mom is now. I think that would be easier all the way around. Either way it will take your mom time to adjust to her new surroundings, but like you said, at least she will have some things in common with the other folks there in her home town.
It will be huge relief to you to know that your mom is now safe and well cared for in memory care, instead of having to constantly worry about whether she is safe or not.
Best wishes in getting her moved sooner than later.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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HeatherMN, I always feel it is best for a parent to live in senior living in the town they are currently living. That way, if they are still interested in watching the news, all the anchors would be familiar faces. Otherwise, strange faces may become frightening.


Also, there would be better chances that that in a familiar town, that an older friend or neighbor will move into the same facility. If Mom has to go to her primary doctor, again a familiar face.
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Reply to freqflyer
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MargaretMcKen Aug 29, 2024
That is a very interesting comment. It's clear that the 'visitors' to people in care drop off big time, as even old friends get old too, but I hadn't thought of the faces on TV being the equivalent of 'old friends'.
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Heather, I had a very similar experience with my folks. I’m in Michigan and they were in West Virginia, about a ten hour drive. Mom had a host of health and mobility problems and dad had dementia.

I managed things remotely for about 6 years. It wasn’t easy but doable. I made the trip every few weeks or as various crises dictated.

My folks were very stubborn, wouldn’t allow me to hire any help for them much less discuss a care facility. I had to wait for the crisis, moms very bad fall, to move her, then dad into care.

At the time I had checked out assisted living facilities in their area and had one set to go. I wasn’t that concerned about keeping them in a familiar area as there were hardly any friends or family around but I do think it helped that they still heard the familiar WV twang around them. It was just much easier logistically. I can’t imagine moving them across three states at that point.

After mom died I did move dad to a nursing home near me in Michigan. His dementia was advanced then and he sorta knew me sometimes but it was much easier having him close. I visited every day until he died peacefully.

Good luck to you.
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Reply to Windyridge
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HeatherMN Sep 5, 2024
Hi. Thank you. My parents are in MN and I'm in TN. I've been managing this now since about 2018. My dad was worse than my mom. I am typically hoping on a flight every 4-6 weeks. Last year it was every 3 weeks but since I've hired help, I'm able to extend how frequent I head back. More than likely, I will just see how things play out with her, but my fear is winter with the ice and snow which is her homecare team concern as well. I'm fearful of her falling on ice and being stuck in the bitter cold as she isn't super stable on her feet.

I don't have much in the way of family locally where she is at. My brother is the only other kid and he is non-existent even after pleading for help. Everything falls on me to figure out. Thanks for your response.
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If she's moved to AL in her area, she's not going to be getting to her favorite places anymore unless someone brings her.
For the most part whatever's going on at the AL will pretty much be her life whether you move her near to you or not.

Also, why is it up to her care team to decide if she goes into AL? Who are these people? Are any of them homecare that is actually on the scene in her house, or are they her doctor's offices, nurses, and social workers? No one ever discussed the possibility of a live-in caregiver/companion with you or her? I'd replace that 'care team' if I were you. If she's still fully-functioning with some short-term memory loss it sounds like live-in/companion help could be a good fit for her. It would also cost less than AL.

Could she move to the rest home where her husband is? He's been on hospice since January 2023? You do know that hospice pulls scams like this all the time. Getting seniors onto hospice care when they do not need it. Drug them into oblivion then shake Medicare down for all they're worth then the person "graduates" out of hospice. Please investigate a little bit what's going on with her husband. He may not even need to be under their care. So it's possible that him and your mother may be able to live together again which would solve your problem.

If them living together isn't possible and you're not going to go with live-in homecare, look at AL facilities near to you. Your mother will acclimate. If she's nearby, you can take her out places.

I'd give homecare another look though. I did homecare for 25 years and own a homecare agency now. Call a homecare agency (not one you've used in the past) and ask them to come out and do a needs assessment in your mother's home. You don't have to have her out of her house by winter. Don't put that kind of pressure on yourself. Do you and your mother have any family or friends in her current area that could keep an eye on things if you go the live-in caregiver route for her? Things to consider.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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I went through this last year. My mother lives in CO, I live in WA. My mother is further down the journey with dementia than it sounds like your mother is. I got a call from a deputy sheriff that she was at the local Walgreens, confused, and couldn't find her car (she had walked there). I knew this moment was coming but had to wait until she was bad enough to activate my MPOA (the subsequent ER stay, along with her doctor's evaluations all said she needed 24/7 care). I ended up having to "shatter her world" as you said. But it's really not you, it's the disease that shatters your parent's world. You, as the caregiver, become the one who steps up and keeps them safe when they can no longer be.

I move every few years for my job so moving her to WA was not an option. She loves CO and I ended up moving her into an AL there (even though she has dementia, when I moved her in she could still adjust to the new place. She is now "routined" and doing well). Even though she has no family in CO or friends that will visit her I wanted to leave her with her sense of "home" since she lost so much due to the illness.

Long distance caregiving is not easy. If you think that it will be too much of an extra for you then move her closer to you. She'll manage to socialize even if she doesn't know the local area. Sadly, at some point it may no longer matter where she lives as she may not be able to make any distinctions anyways. I'm working on getting a job in CO that won't involve a massive pay cut and will allow for a more flexible work environment so that I can be closer and do more drop-in visits.

I do wonder if she should still be driving. She may think that she's ok and you may not want to rock the boat, but if she causes a major accident that either hurts and/or kills someone else what then? I had to learn that I now make mom's important life decisions because she can no longer do so. It sucks, but is reality.

I certainly wish you all the best in whatever decision you make. I would say that, if you will be the caregiver, you need to do what is best and "easiest" for you. Your caregiving role could last for years. Remove as many obstacles (such as long distance) as you can.
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Reply to Scbluheron
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HeatherMN Sep 5, 2024
Thanks for your response and so sorry to hear of your mom's situation. It's nice that you have a flexible job. My job is semi flexible and have been so wonderful to me when I need to extend visits. I'm very lucky from that standpoint too.

Rest assured my mother is not driving. Doctors' orders were for her to not drive last year so the keys were removed. That has been very hard on my mom because she feels stuck but it was the best decision for her and for others.
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How is Mom getting to her “ favorite places “ now ? I hope she’s not driving .

Since you don’t think she will enjoy elderly where you live . I vote for an AL where she lives if there is anyone to check on her.

We moved my father in law to AL close to us in a state he never lived in . He was miserable . He had no one at all in Florida ( he moved there to retire ) to check on him and we lived too far up north to make it possible to leave him in Florida .
He wasn’t familiar with what the other residents were talking about , when they talked about local places etc .
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Reply to waytomisery
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HeatherMN Sep 5, 2024
This is very helpful. Thank you. That is my exact concern and my gut is telling me to keep her where she is at since she does have a handful of friends and a little bit of family, plus her supplemental insurance is top notch.

Her care companion takes her to her favorite spots. She no longer drives.
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You want her “placed in assisted living”. She “completely refuses”. You say that she has ALZ (has she had a diagnosis or are you guessing from her behavior?) but she is “still full functioning other than short term memory loss”. You may not be able to force her to move, and AL may not be able to keep her against her will – they aren’t normally ‘locked in’ places.

Perhaps this is one where the best thing is to wait and see. As she deteriorates, the details of a move may become clearer to everyone. I’d question why the ‘care team’ are pressuring you now. Fear of liability?

If falling over on grass and calling for help getting up was enough to put you into care, I and a lot of others would be crowding out facilities big-time.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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You have several options.
First question I have for you is..can you legally make decisions for your mom? Are you POA for health and financial matters? If not this could be more complicated.
Ok, options.
1. Mom agrees to have caregivers come in and be with her. And this is not just during the day but 24/7. this would keep her in her home. Give you more time to help clear out and pare down what is needed and not needed. And it keeps her in a place she is familiar with and near friends.

2. Place he in Memory Care near where she currently lives. this will also keep her in an area that she is familiar with and her friends can visit (they probably won't but...)

3. Place her in Memory Care near where you are so it will be "easier" for you to take her to the doctor (if she goes to doctors other than the one that may come to the MC ) and visit with her.

Options 2 and 3 she will probably have a sharper decline since she will be in an unfamiliar place.

If you chose option 1 YOU must be the one in charge of the caregivers, she can not "fire" a caregiver, she can not tell them to leave.
Any option will provide a safer living situation than the one she has now where she is living alone.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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I would recommend moving her close to you. She will only get progressively worse and unable to interact with others unless they come to her home anyway. She will soon be even unable to visit her husband or even relate to him as her husband. If you are caregiver, in your home or near your home is the best place because you need to be able really know how she is being cared for and the long distance will be too difficult. Even moved to AL will be temporary. She will always be moving as she requires more help. Long distance caregiving does not work. Make it workable for yourself and that is the best you can do for your mother.
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Reply to RetiredBrain
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Situation similar for my Mother. Sons both lived hours/days away. She fell and broke her hip and was out of the reach for the phone. She lay on kitchen floor for 12 hours before a friend found her. We decided that she needed family more than her long time friends. In the senior facility, she was much more active than before. She enjoyed eating with others and the activities. They checked in on her often. And when it became time, she moved to another part of the facility for full-time care. Her "apartment" used her own furniture and pictures, and family visited often. These helped to make transition easier.
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