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I have mourned that mom. The one that lives with me, looks like my mom.


I'm tired of the noises she makes with her mouth and teeth. The picking at her clothes.


The Kleenex everywhere.


$hit on the toilet and the floor.


I'm just tired of it all. She has lived with us 14 years.


I'm ready. Is this awful to say? I'm ready for her to pass. She's 91.

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When I got to the point where I felt anger and resentment every day I finally admitted to myself that I had to place my mom in the nursing home, it wasn't fair to her to be cared for by someone who couldn't always hide her feelings and it wasn't fair to me that I had lost sight of the woman she had previously been.
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BeeSuz Jul 2023
I'm not angry at her. I'm just tired of her, if that makes sense. I can "hide" my feelings from her. Since her breakdown, she doesn't pick up in social ques. I'm not unkind to her. I won't be.
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I've not had to live with my dad but I am definitely "over it". He's 102 and lives in assisted living, moving only from his bed to his chair. Can't see, can't hear, and can't remember that I visited him. He has had plenty of good times in his life but this is certainly not one of them. And I"m now old and am responsible for him just as if I had a toddler to care for. Every phone call I hope it's the Assisted Living nurse telling me he's passed.
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ventingisback Jul 2023
“I’m now old and am responsible for him just as if I had a toddler to care for.”

:(

I understand you.
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BeeSuz, I wish every day that it was over. I've been caring for my 96 yo mother for the past 17 years with the past 6 in my home. My only sibling is dead, so it's all on me.

My mother always put herself first and when she tearfully asked me to promise that I would never put her in a nursing home I promised. And yes, I know that she no longer remembers that....but I do.....and my personal conviction is that I will keep the promise

I've been told by friends who have now drifted away that if I'm not going to place her in MC or NH then I'd better not complain.

Nevertheless......this season of caregiving was something that I never wanted and I have lost pretty much everything that I enjoyed. I don't even care to clean my house any longer. Everything that I attempt to do gets interrupted by her care demands, so why bother?

She has dementia, is blind, hard of hearing, has mobility issues, is a fall risk, has edema in her lower right leg, snaps at me, finds fault, is needy needy needy.

I do have 4 sitters who come and go at various times and give me a break from dementia prison, but I find that even dealing with them aggravates me and stresses me out. Plus, I no longer have a life of any consequence, so I just go wander around Wal Mart or Home Depot or the grocery store just to stay gone for 3-4 hours.

Just having to depend on someone else so I can freaking drive out of my driveway grinds my gears.

I cry almost daily now. I woke up this morning crying because I'm so exhausted and sick of all of it. Wiping poop at midnight, no freedom, never getting enough sleep, having my name called endlessly, keeping up with bowel movements, getting her in the shower once a week and on it goes.

I am so isolated and lonely I can't breathe.

As of March my mother is under Hospice care so I've had a better level of support. She was a death's doorstep from a respiratory infection - brought in by a sitter - and once again she has rallied and is back to her baseline.

So yes, I'm ready for it to be over, but as others have said here, she can very well live to 100 or beyond at this point.

I'm not loud, so I don't yell - on the contrary - I just carry out my duties as quietly as possible and try not cry all the time.

How can it be wrong to want it over? She is going to Heaven. She will be with her loved ones - I'm the only one left here - she will be able to see and will be joyful.
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sp19690 Jul 2023
Keeping that promise to your own detriment is insanity.

I will never understand why people torture themselves by caretaking in the most extreme and unrealistic expectations. And those being cared for just don't care about what it is doing to the other person.

Mom very well might outlive you at this rate.
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The exhausted hands on caregivers want it to be over.

The caregivers who visit unhappy LO’s who don’t live at home want it over .

The caregivers watching a loved one decline want it over .

The caregivers watching a LO suffer want it over.

The caregivers who feel guilt want it over .

The caregivers who are isolated want it over .

When the LO is miserable, scared, suffering , and/or have no quality of life ………….everyone wants it over .
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ElizabethAR37 Jul 2023
Absolutely, yes, and glad you included the LO who possibly, although not always, would want it over more than anyone, especially if s/he is in the mid-80s to 90+ with multiple illnesses, ongoing serious pain and/or organ failure necessitating constant care. (For me, it would ideally be before the point where I need 24/7 "supervision", please.)
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Don't you wish you knew then what you know now? I feel for you, BeeSuz. It's not wrong to wish it was over. You're exhausted. As a society, we were not prepared for how long our elders would live and how much care they would need. It's a grim situation for so many.
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BeeSuz Jul 2023
I sure do wish I knew more.
Mom was supposed to rotate where she lived. Her twin sister, one of my sisters and me. That didn't last long. Her twin fell I'll and eventually passed. Mom didn't like being at my sister's at all. The other sister guilted me into taking her back. And it's turned into permanent it seems. She doesn't have enough money for a decent nursing home and she has too much money for Medicaid. I have found a place that takes her for(my) respite care.
I am considering taking her to respite care more often. She has enough $$ for a few weeks of that at a time. It's a two week minimum. I wish I could take her every other week. Or for the weekend. This will help use up her $$.
Caring for a parent is very isolating.
Thank you for your reply. It is sooo nice to have place to vent and also, see that I'm not alone.
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She needs to be living somewhere else. Professionals are accustomed to this behavior. I hope you find the right place for her.

By the way, your feelings are normal.
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CaringinVA Jul 2023
I echo totally what Fawnby just said. 100 percent of it.
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OMgosh!! I feel the same about my parents! I have only been in this situation for a short time and am already loosing my mind. The idea of 14 more years kills me!

I think about something happening to them all the time. It would make life so much easier! I think about what a waste of time, money, and energy they have become and then I feel incredibly guilty!!

I have told my children to give me some really good drugs and tell me to chase butterflies (off a cliff) when I get like my parents. Horrible- I know!

good luck, go get a donut, God Bless you for what you are doing!
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ventingisback Jul 2023
“and tell me to chase butterflies (off a cliff)”

Oh boy.

(((Hug)))
We’re all in tough situations.
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Realist here at 86 Y/O: not a fan of seeing my 90s! Physical pain, declining functionality, disability--who needs it? Then, there's the cost of old age care; unaffordable to most for very long unless they inherited $$$ or earned Big Buck$ during their working years? (Neither applies to us.) I'm ready to accept my Final Exit in the reasonably foreseeable future except that I would hope not to predecease my 93 Y/O spouse or our 13 Y/O black cat.

Although we did our best to plan for our "golden years", neither of us EVER anticipated living as long as we have. We heartily recommend that longevity researchers direct their efforts elsewhere! IMO, the average human body is pretty much at the "best-if-used-by" point by the time it reaches 75-80 years (O.K., maybe 85)--super-elders and outliers notwithstanding.
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Oh dear...my heart goes out to you, and I know exactly what you are talking about. If we were robots with endless power to move and stay awake and clean up sh*t (an activity I never imagined would become so common for me) I think hoping that the journey would end for someone might be discussed. But we're not: we are human too, many of us have long ceased to be spring chickens, and the constant stress and emotional yo-yoing can actually kill people. I know because recently my doc saw me -- my BP was 190/90. He wanted me to head for cardiac testing if more meds didn't get it down in 3 days -- it did, thank goodness. But I also have constant nausea and am quickly developing arthritis that makes my hands and feet and knees and, well, everthing hurt all the time.

I was reading about PTSD. Many of these symptoms are those of PTSD.

So of course I, a human being subject to limitations in power, can't help but wish for an end, some peace, some time to think about anything that ISN'T shit on the floor. Just like any living being we must be forgiven for wanting to survive. 14 years?!? And life can't be pleasant for her either. The normal end to it all is death, peace, relief. We are not yearning for something that is abnormal. The bullet with our name on it is coming for every single living being. I'm ready for my own beloved husband (93 with dementia) to go -- the thought of the nightmare world of daily humiliations, forgetting, losing each ability...who would choose that for themselves? Likewise, who would choose in advance to make sure their loved ones would end up being caretakers who are ready to drop where they stand?

Hugs to you...what a difficult (really almost impossible) thing is robbing you of your own life and health. Well, you know you have many, many friends here who are living in some version of what you are suffering through.
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Way2tired Jul 2023
betskand , Great post.
I agree neither the LO nor the caregiver chose this. And we are only humans with the instinct to survive. At the same time, it’s also natural to want the suffering to end . Modern medicine and naive promises cause us to fight these normal emotions and punish ourselves and each other for having them .
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Bee, I hear you! I feel your pain too! My mom lived to be 95. She lived with us for 14 years. Towards the end I thought I would lose my mind!

One of my biggest regrets in life was that I couldn’t find it in my heart to place her in a facility. Please look into placement for your mom.

I had extenuating circumstances in how my mom came to live with us. She became instantly homeless when she lost her home and all of her belongings in hurricane Katrina.

Mom’s home had nine feet of water and couldn’t be repaired. My parents bought the home when I was a baby.

It was quite an emotional time for everyone in New Orleans. All I could think of doing, was to comfort my mother as best I could.

Initially, things weren’t so bad. I was able to work and I was raising my children. As mom’s Parkinson’s disease progressed, it was a different ball game. As you say, they aren’t the same mother as they were before.

I quit my job to care for her full time and depression set in, then anxiety. I look back and see that I developed an unhealthy codependency with my mother.

I ended up in therapy. I suggest that you do the same. Speak with a licensed therapist to help you sort through your feelings.

It certainly helps to get an outside objective opinion when we can no longer see things as they truly are.

Wishing you the very best. You can’t change the past but you can move forward.

Transitioning into new territory is never easy but it is possible and so worth it!

Take care.
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