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Joyce, you are doing the best you can under the circumstances, and doing this long distance is hard under the best of circumstances.... just so sorry for YOU that she is so anitsocial so most of what you could do would be rejected.... short of going out there for some sort of intervention guess there is nothing else you can do.
And some of this is the NH responsibility to let you know what is going on.... so know you are a loving daughter doing the best you can, and if you want you to take care of you.(lol) then give yourself a hug and know you can only do so much.... guess this makes some of us grateful for our own mess.... hugs and angels for you....
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Hi Craz....The psych doc ordered her ativan to be given before he comes. I just hope she doesn't have an allergic reaction to it (she has major allergies). However, I don't have clue when he will show up. I have been encouraging Mom to let him work with her and discuss all the options. I never know how she will react to my suggestions. As I mentioned today, she was in a foul mood and hung up on me. She can't call me back (no long distance from her room), so tomorrow I will call her and see how she is doing. Thank for caring and hugs to you.
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Your situation sounds so similar to mine. First off, the patient has a right to say, "No." Everything you are doing for your mother is because of love. You must believe you are doing the best you can given the distance and her issues. There is no way you can make her happy. So, please, trust that you are doing fine. She is lucky to have you and no one can take that away from you.
Take it from someone in the same boat.
(Can she be given a sleeping pill to cut her nails?)
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Thanks ladee and NancyH.....more about Mom. I am being charged (Medicare pays most of it) for two visits a month by the doctor assigned to her case. I am pretty sure he doesn't actually see or talk to her. Probably just consults with floor nurse and orders her meds each month. The only time I spoke with him was in the very beginning of her residency and it was more about how he was going to get paid. I have tried to reach him on a few occasions and that met with no success. I have asked my elder care nurse (private hire) to assist me if something problematic occurrs, like those nails. They gave her a psych eval mostly to address her depression and anxiety. That is where the behavioral delusion diagnosis came from. The psychiatrist doesnt see her unless he has to adjust medication and his nurse usually sees mom. The doctor assigned to her sees many patients in the nursing home. Her regular doctor does not make nursing home visits. If the elder care nurse could actually get her to her old doctor, that might be a help. However, she can't even get Mom to go for a ride (wheel chair) in the garden. Mom refuses everything that is offered. I have the nurse bring her flowers for special occasions and now she says she doesn't even want those, that they disgust her!

Ladee, I believe I am doing the best I can and I would be happy with my care!

I have thought about a caregiver spending more time with her, but she is so antisocial. Nancy, she is not agoraphobic, as she will wonder out of her room and she can be sweet as pie to your face.....but behind your back her comments can be hurtful. That is probably the dementia. She says stuff like if they touch me I'll shoot them or kick them in the a__! She comes from a generation that was very bigoted....need I say more.

On her good days, I can get her to sing songs with me and I try and tell her jokes. Lately, the good days seem so few and far between.

She doesnt shower, says she does all the work around the room and helps her roommate. She does putter around straightening up things and making her bed. Won't watch tv or read. Just sits and looks out the window. Won't participate in any activity. I believe she is afraid of looking foolish.

Regardidng the foot/toenail issue. A podiatrist has stopped by several times and each time she has refused to let him look at her feet. She tells me she can take care of them herself. She does not have the tools to do the job and beside, the nursing home won't let her have scissors or sharp objects for safety reasons. I make the mistake of sending her a manicure/pedicure set and they took it away. This was before I realized how bad the nails really gotten.

There is no way they are going to help her unless they anesthetize her and that probably will entail a trip to the hospital. She won't want to go. I agree that she has a phobia. Once in another nursing home, they took her to the showers and she freaked. Funny, how they never forget the traumatic events, but can't remember what they had for breakfast.

It is pretty horrible to watch her go through this emotional pain. Truthfully, I don't think she would act any different if she was living under my own roof, or in her own home.She always was very judgemental toward her neighbors. I found old letters that she would write them and she was always complaining about this one or that one. As it got more pronounced I began to realize that mentally she was changing. I am sure her quality of life would suffer greatly if she was allowed to live on her own and I wouldn't consider it at this point. Oh, BTW, she won't eat in front of people either. Has her meals delivered to her room.

Thank again. In case I didn't mention it, I live in SW Washington, she lives in Southeast Florida! Not a good thing cause I have control issues too! However, I have not lived near where my parents lived since 1964 when I married and moved away.
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It's weird that she physically doesn't want anyone to touch her isn't it? I mean that sounds like a kid with autism or maybe a blind person that doesn't see when someone is going to touch them that would scream bloody murder. That in and of itself I think needs to be discussed with a doctor. Maybe it's a phobia type of thing, like agoraphobia or something that has developed. Either way, she needs to be seen whether she likes it or not.
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The only question I have for you is sort of a oxymoron, if you were taking care of you and were in your right mind, would you be pleased with how you are doing things? I know it's a crazy question in some ways, but nothing you do or don't do will change her health issues.... and apparently you or the Dr's can't MAKE her let others help with her care.... have you asked her Dr. about alternatives ? I think if it were me, I would call in a phyc eval or have the Dr. order one.... I am having a really hard time accepting that no one has cut her nails in a year.... not calling you a liar, just wondering exactly what her Dr. is doing for her welfare...Surely someone on this sight has some answers for this one.... but sounds like you are doing all you can for her under the circumstances..... Can you hire an independant caregiver to set with her a few hours everyday, and after a possible 'bonding', she will allow this caregiver to do more hands on care??? I'm sorry, my mind is jumping all over the place with this one, but I do know you might need to get the Dr. more involved... let us know how this turns out....
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