I am 29 years old, full time caregiver for my father since I work from home. He is 75 years old with numerous chronic health issues, he's been sick for many years and it has progressively gotten worse. He is still able to go to the bathroom by himself and shower, but its difficult for him. I make his meals every day, do all the daily tasks, clean, etc. He can walk a short distance but then has to sit down.
I haven't gone out on a date in over 7 months, nor have I really hung out with my friends because he is so worried about the virus. My social life has basically completely stopped. I don't even go out shopping for myself. I am at home 24/7 with him. I finally met someone I may be interested in, so I scheduled a date this week to meet him. When I told my dad this, he freaked out and said I was going to bring home the virus, how he's so worried about me going out at night (he's always been an over-protective parent but the older he gets, the worse this gets even though I am 29 years old).
He said its a bad idea and something horrible could happen to me. He says I shouldn't leave him alone with my cat because he's worried about my cat, too (my cat has his own room and stays in there if I leave the house so he shouldn't worry about this either). He keeps saying I'm probably going to have a drink on the date and something bad will happen if I drive (I'm responsible and don't drink & drive).
We spent a whole two hours today going back and forth about this. I am now filled with guilt and worried about leaving him alone for my date. I know intellectually I shouldn't feel this way. I deserve to have one night out after 7 months of nothing. It almost brought me to tears because I am so frustrated and angry that he's making me feel so bad about something so normal. Its like I can't have my own life.
He said "Fine, I should just go into a nursing home." Just because I want to go out on one date! Its like he's threatening me with moving into a nursing home because he knows that will fill me with even more guilt. It seems he loves feeling sorry for himself and I'm tired of it. He doesn't like when I leave the house at all for anything. He thinks something bad is always going to happen to me even if I leave the house for 30 minutes.
Now I probably won't even enjoy myself on the date. I'll be too worried about him having a heart attack from worrying so much, my head won't be in the game. So ridiculous!
I appreciate any advice, and whether or not you think I should feel guilty for going. If you think I should cancel the date or just go.
Don’t let your miserable father destroy your life. My mother lived by herself until she died at 84 and she had several medical problems. Your father should be doing a lot more for himself.
Do whatever you want. Too many parents guilt their children.
That is why they have respite care so that caregivers and caretakers can have a break.
Caretaking can be exhausting and draining..... the demands of the person you are caring for.... the rudeness and condescending remarks sometimes.
Sometimes they play on your kindness just to feel superior in the fact that you won't have time for anything or anyone else.
You can check into respite care or another caretaker to care for him when you need to take a break, that way you know he is ok, they have your phone number and can call you instantly if something comes up or an emergency.
You are young you deserve to find happiness!
Go have a little fun and don't feel guilty....
You are an adult, and if this is a "safe" date virus-wise, just explain that to him, and go.
Go out on that special date and have fun. Meeting time with your dad to set things straight. Insist on having time to yourself. Your dad is fortunate that you are helping him but he needs to let you live your life. Covid could be around for a long time. You can't put yourself in a bubble. Take precautions as CDC advices.
these elderly people are very unfair on us adult children, if I were you I would look for some paid care so you can at least meet your friends. If you don’t start putting your foot down with your dad you are not going to have any sort of life. Your dad is guilt tripping you into being there for him24/7, that is not how a loving parent should treat their adult children.
Tell your Father that you will be going out once a week and if that's a problem for him then you'll be happy to take him to tour some Senior Homes if that's what he wants.
I too am a full time care giver of a senior parent and disabled sister. I took on this task after I retired from my last job after 31 years and moved them into my home even though they were okay in their own home. In their home they cooked, sometimes and took care of themselves even though I went by two or three times a week to prepare meals, do the banking, go grocery shopping etc. After moving them into my home which I believed was a major convenience my life have become a 24 hour call to service. They are capable of doing things for themselves but they do nothing. They sit at the table three times a day for meals and return to their rooms. I limit my time around other people because of my mom's age and the covid issue but I have to go out, I go to the store, I go to the bank, I meet with contractors and I take them to all their doctor's appointments. I've been wearing a mask everywhere go for over a year and it's not uncomfortable for me.
With all this being said I refuse to become a prisoner in my own home. A social worker suggested boundaries but the more I try to remove myself the more complaints they have ultimately trying to make me feel guilty for having a life. Even If I have a friend stop by practicing social distancing my sister who has controlled seizure disorder will fall on the floor or fall out of a chair. My mom will say she's feeling "icky" and I need to stop what I'm doing to make her tea. My mom is 98 and still very capable of getting around. My sisters seizures only happen when she has an audience. Hmmmmmmmmmm... If I feel like going out I am going to go out...I might meet my girlfriend at a outdoor venue for lunch or a glass of wine. I look in on them when I am out and I call to check on them. Ironically they won't answer the phone so I used to race back home to see if something was wrong. ........ I retired in 2017 I moved them into my home in late 2020 and I now work 7 days a week from 7 in the morning until 9 at night. Boundaries. I need to set them....I need to take time for me, and I am not going to feel guilty about it......
It is not healthy to not be able to vent, to breath, to laugh and to have a happy social life at your age if it's safe and you are practicing healthy protocols even in your dating. Enjoy your life...take a day or a few hours for you every once in a while and do it the safe and healthy way so that you do not become the victim or your own self inflicting or created anxiety. Don't feel guilty for wanting to be a person. Peace love and prayers for you and your dad..
Like you, I was working from home but found it impossible to keep up with work because of my mother's constant interruptions. She is healthy and has friends, but is just very needy and a drama queen. She is quite cross at the minute because I have just got myself a full-time job outside the house. I told her I needed to make myself financially secure. Happy to help her but I need a life too.
Here are my thoughts: You might want to consider assembling a team to help you make the best choices in this situation for YOU. Not your dad; YOU. He's lived his life, and now wants to live through you. No.
Find a good therapist who understands the challenges of geriatric care-giving; pour your heart out to this person. You will get unbiased help.
I hope you will seriously consider a nursing home for your father. It's only a matter of time before he experiences a critical event in his health. Better it happens with trained help nearby.
Good luck.
The danger of the virus might be a bigger problem. You need to keep your exposure to any people outside the house at an absolute minimum, esp right now while Delta COVID and the newer Mu variant are increasingly contagious and increasingly vaccine resistant.
If the young man you are eager to meet is someone of character, he will be willing to delay an in-person date until conditions are safer. If he issues some sort of "meet me now or never" ultimatum, then you do not want to pursue that relationship anyway.
Its not really parental thinking, more of a little kid and their parent is leaving.
Maybe someone can come by while you’re out, you probably should go out more often if he’s anxious
It won’t be fun to start over when your life leaves without you, he’s gone and you’ve kept nothing of your own in motion.
That being said, my mom didn’t have dementia at that point, she was just manipulative. Still, you can decide not to feel guilty and then don’t. Good luck!
I would suggest that it might be time to include more people in caring for your father. Ask family members, friends, members of faith community, and even paid help. The first goal should be to have enough help that your essential needs are met: eating 3 meals at a reasonable pace, sleeping 7-9 hours every night, enough time to attend to your health and hygiene needs... The next goal is to have enough help to meet your needs for interactions with others and fun - you need some time daily and extended time weekly (probably several times a week).
As for you father, it seems he has developed anxiety. Please talk to his usual doctor or make an appointment with a geriatric psychiatrist to evaluate and treat. Your father feels like you are his only hope of surviving; he needs more interaction with others so he doesn't stay so fixated on you.
The first thing you should do is read a very good post and responses. The post was started by a longtime member/poster/responder Midkid58.
She posted the awesome question "What word can we use instead of "guilty"
The responses are nothing short of amazing, enlightening encouraging. Please take the time to read it.
Now for your dad.
If he is able to do all that you have said I think he would do well in Assisted Living if that is a possibility.,
If this is dad's house you could consider looking for a place of your own. Give dad a few days a week where you will come and do things for him that he CAN NOT do. Do not do things that he can do.
You are far to young to be caring for your dad full time and ignoring your own social, emotional needs.
YOU have done nothing to feel guilty about.
I remember when I did travel nursing and after my dad died, I'd stay at mom's in between assignments, sometimes over holidays, and one time in particular when I was about to go on a new assignment in January, Mom started acting out very, what's the word, carefully planned out ..... she didn't feel well, she couldn't breathe right ... and so on. I canceled that assignment, got her to dr. appts. etc. Would you believe, nothing was wrong! It was anxiety, and she knew how to turn it on and push buttons. Finally I got wise and went on another job, even though she turned on the tears. (I'm not heartless, just know that as I look back she was always manipulative growing up.... only now, I can see it, understand it, and see how I did my own things (guilting ) with my children growing up.
Tell him you’re going to the movies because you need a break.
You’re an adult and have the right to time alone.
You don’t need his approval or permission.
But I am concerned that you at the age of 29 are not working and earning money to support yourself in your retirement. How is it that you gave up working and having a career? Are you looking to inherit from him or something? He should be in assisted living and you should be getting on with your life in my opinion even though you didn’t ask for that. But would love to know how you anchored yourself to this existence.
there is nothing in your profile about your dad.
But I am concerned that you at the age of 29 are not working and earning money to support yourself in your retirement. How is it that you gave up working and having a career? Are you looking to inherit from him or something? He should be in assisted living and you should be getting on with your life in my opinion even though you didn’t ask for that. But would love to know how you anchored yourself to this existence.
Your dad’s concerns about the Covid are valid. If both you and your dad are vaccinated, your date and/or friends are vaccinated, and you wear a mask per guidelines, you have taken the necessary steps to ensure his (and yours) safety. Have fun!
Do not cancel the date: go. Do not feel guilty for going nor should you spend another moment engaging in arguments over it.
I can see how much you care and how much this is stressing you out; therefore I can't imagine that you haven't already and are planning on taking the necessary precautions to head on out. Perhaps have a meal and snacks at the ready, something to entertain him, ensure the cat is put away and can't be used as an excuse to call you back. Before you leave I would lay down firm boundaries, in writing even, and then head out the door and stick to them.
For example - I have told my parents that unless it is an emergency, I will call within a specific timeframe. If you start blowing up my phone - I will send you straight to voicemail. Granted, I can read the text to see if it's truly an emergency or my father is just blowing smoke. The more you call me, the more I will be delayed.
You deserve to go out and have a break after working for this long.