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Hi all, again I don't know that anyone really wanted an update but I thought that since many people did express their concern I would give one. My dad's flight is set for the weekend prior to Thanksgiving, he decided he would rather avoid the holiday travel season than stay for the holiday. He has gotten set up with a dialysis center near his home and will just be returning as a patient to all of his prior docs.

Last week he and his wife once again had a dust-up and he said, "I might not be going after all." He basically had to threaten divorce/cutting her off for that to resolve. Then last weekend he was hospitalized for having a very high resting heart rate, but even by the time we arrived at the hospital it seemed to have calmed down substantially. Hospital found he was anemic (very low hemoglobin) and gave him a blood transfusion, but they never found a cause and discharged him. I thought he might try to use this as a reason why he needed to stay, but fortunately he did not. I do think stress from their argument could be a contributing factor.

We've got 3 weeks to go and I am hanging on for a bumpy ride. But he knows the deal, either get taken to the airport or be taken to the bank and SS office. I still don't feel great because I fully expect that I may never see him again once he leaves, but I try to keep telling myself that mooching off your kid to avoid your dysfunctional marriage is not good for his soul and I really am helping him by taking this option off the table. I agreed to give him an amount of money each year equal to his insurance's out of pocket maximum (its not that much), so if he doesn't get the medical treatment he wants/needs it is completely on him. I try to give him dignity of choice, I think he is making the wrong choice, but I've got to let him make it and there's nothing more to do.
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BurntCaregiver Oct 2022
@NiceGuyInLast

You're doing the right thing. You will be living a much happier and less stressful life when your father goes home.
There's an old saying about people making their beds and having to lie in them. The choices your father made in his life are the reason why he's in a miserable marriage and has to mooch off of his child. None of it is your fault and has nothing to do with you.
You do not owe him anything. So anything you do for him like helping him financially is anact of kindness from your own good heart. Whatever you do, DO NOT allow him to move back in with you.
Who says you won't see him again? You could travel to where he lives and stay in a hotel. You can stay in touch with him.
I think it may be helpful to your father if he was put in touch with some services for people who live with an abusive spouse. Your step-mother is abusive and your father should be able to contact people that will help him if she becomes too much for him to deal with. He may also be interested in consulting a divorce lawyer.
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Well, it happened. This weekend I took him to the airport and he is back in his home with his wife. He texted while traveling to let me know when he arrived at his destination airport. I texted him today just to check in and wish him luck with his first treatment at the new dialysis center. No response as of yet, and I suspect his wife may have confiscated his phone (there was talk before he left that this would happen). Will wait and see whether I get anything from him. I did not transfer all of the info needed for them to order his ostomy supplies, so they'll have to reach out eventually!
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Beatty Nov 2022
Encourage Dad to connect to staff at the dialysis centre. Dialysis patients have to spend a good amount of time with these nurses.. hopefully there is one or two he can chat with, can speak freely to if life is getting too hard.

His wife may or may not be able to offer the support he will need.

A nurse or his Doctor can refer him to a Social Worker service - to help him if he does need more support at home. Eg adding home services, arranging a family meeting with his wife, caregiver training for her or even look into respite accommodation.

The more LOCAL people in his support team will lessen the risk he panics & flies back to your doorstep for the next crises.
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NiceGuy, glad he's on his way.

Remember, if he decides to come back, you are no longer going to be subsidizing him, nor have him living in his home.

If he and wife can't live together, he needs to see a divorce attorney to get a settlement that will allow him to live independently.

Stand strong.
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