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Always learn to stay one step ahead of a catastrophe before you become permanently stuck. Include a pathway if you become ill.
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buffyintexas Jan 15, 2024
i’m impressed 💪
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Get your ducks in a row before needed! Luckily, my dad gave me durable POA about five months before I really needed it. I have now given my kids POA hopefully years before they need it. Procrastination is the enemy.
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buffyintexas Jan 15, 2024
yes i believe try not to procrastinate. glad ur family let you plan.
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We each have our own journey to travel in life, & I am responsible only for the choices I make.
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I can't take credit for this pearl of wisdom but I will take credit for internalizing it. My brother-in-law told me "Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm."

Wisdom I've acquired along the way caring for both of my in-laws and dealing with my FIL who now has moderate dementia:

1. When you start losing sleep, night after night, stop and listen to your body. This is your body's way of telling you that something is wrong and it's time for a change. Sleep deprivation is no joke. Protect your sleep.

2. Do not make promises over which you have no control. The only promise I will ever make to my FIL is that I will help do what is best for him. Right now that means assisted living.

3. Never take on the responsibility of caregiving without having the authority to do so. That means having *durable* power of attorney both medical and financial, which is effective the moment it is signed.

4. Do not put your own financial wellbeing/retirement at risk because of caregiving.

5. Do not put your marriage and/or children at risk because of caregiving.

6. Own your decisions. No one forces you to do anything. Everything is a choice. Think carefully about your choices and the decisions you make for yourself, for your spouse, for your children, for your job, etc.

7. You cannot reason with a broken brain.

8. You matter.
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SueZ1250 Jan 5, 2024
Oh this is sooooo good!! I’d have put POA at #1! Otherwise your options are few.
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The hardest thing for me to learn was to not hold my demented sister accountable - for anything. And to not worry about whether she holds me accountable. She's my identical twin, so the person I've known the longest and been the closest to. There's enough of her left (so far) that it's quite a shift to stop thinking she can improve her attitude or behavior. Have to keep telling myself "can't" rather than "won't" as she always was a bit of a rebel.

Read a wonderful essay by Ann Patchett recently, telling of her acquaintance with a man who helps the homeless, the addicts, etc. He told her "I'm here to love them, not to fix them."
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Yes! I am a caregiver for both my mom and dad. I'm exhausted handling it all on my own. Dad is in final stages of NPH (water on the brain) which turned into ALZ. Luckily, he is in an amazing rest home where care is top notch. My mom has dementia and homebound. I live 1,000 miles away from them and have been coming home every month to few weeks for the last few years. I'm tired and stressed to the max. I realized, since they have the funds to pay for care, I've come to terms to let some of it go and getting my mom outside assistance because I need to get back to my life which includes being more present at work and also more present with my husband and friends where I live. I still will help, I just can't keep hopping on an airplane every 2-3 weeks or monthly. I wish we had family or she had friends that could help but we don't have anyone that can help her out on a regular basis.

What I have learned through all of this, is to not retire and put my feet up and sit in front of the tv with NO hobbies. It literally sucked the life out of both my parents. They are/were not adventurous, did not vacation, or even do trips within the state they live in just to get away for a day. It has also taught me to have my life in order before my brain starts going. Make sure I have a trust/will setup earlier in life, make sure, I have a life plan for myself, and have end of life plans all intact. Also, be positive in life and never lose my sense of adventure that both my husband and I have. I feel like my parents just sat at home waiting to die. Super depressing! There is SO much more to life as you age, get out there and explore it as long as you can mentally and physically handle it.
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@lealonnie, I’m taking your words to heart. I’ve done everything I could to make sure my mom’s physical and medical needs are met. Then I started driving myself crazy trying to meet her emotional needs and keep her “happy”. But she’s not going to be happy, even though she is surrounded by loving family & friends and getting excellent care.

My husband and I are 61 and 58. We have plans for our future. I have learned mostly through this forum not to give up those dreams because my mom is never satisfied. Tomorrow isn’t promised. Anything can happen. I still want to do my best by mom, but I’m not giving up my life and future for it.
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lealonnie1 Jan 1, 2024
Good. I'm really glad to hear you say this Lily. I'm happy I responded to SomeGuyinCa. ❤
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I have no wisdom sorry to say.
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I've told my story before, I have Stage 4 lung cancer, treatable, for now.

I still find myself getting wrapped up in my father's issues. My cousin who was helping, tells me that their first priority are their father's, which I understand. There is no other family but we both have some support amongst friends, neighbor's, etc., and some money. They've told me I'm 100% on my own, wouldn't even go 5 miles and 10 minutes out of the way to help me recently. And her brother was a bleep-head to me the last time we talked.

My father sucked away a lot of my life the last few years. Today he remembers nothing of the games, the resistance, the refusal to change, when he quit, the stuff that he engaged in the last 6 years and all he can say is "I didn't know I was such a bad guy and I don't understand".

I asked his best friend about things and he said, "6 years ago, he could have understood you, today, he just can't".

But he's not the one doing it, it's me. I keep trying to fix him, get him to live, and all I'm doing is throwing the remnants of my life at his.

A friend of mine says, "everyone loses their S*** at cancer". Yes we do! We also do it at living, dying, and everything else related to being here.

The question is has all of this given me any new found wisdom? Honestly, no. Maybe try to stop changing the things I can't change but I already knew that.

Would I change things? Well, yes, I'd get an X-Ray / Scan, as many as needed until they found the super-rare lung cancer that I have, much earlier. I'd have checked in at Stanford rather than "the local idiots who wouldn't figure it out" (not my words). But really, I don't know what I could have done.

He was my father, I wanted him to live, not die, and I tried to do that for him because I love him.

Exactly what I want for myself and I'm pretty sure, still, what he'd want for me.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jan 1, 2024
Wishing you were, Someguy. You’ve been through a lot.
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Great question! Thanks for posting it.

Oh gosh, I’m afraid to say that I was an extremely slow learner and was a very naive person when it came to caregiving. I had to learn things the hard way!

Mom instantly became homeless when she lost her home in hurricane Katrina. I felt so terrible for her. All I wanted to do was comfort her, so I invited her to live with us. In the beginning it was manageable. Later on it became more challenging.

I wish that I would have realized a couple of things. One, to educate myself on the progression of Parkinson’s disease and two, to have realized that I didn’t have to do the hands on care myself.

When my children said to me, “Mom, when you grow old, we will care for you like you did for grandma.” I told them, ‘Like hell you will. I want you to live your own lives.’

I look back and wonder if my ego got in the way. Sometimes, we feel that we can give our family members the best care. This isn’t reality though, because we can’t provide the care that a professional staff can. So, while my intentions were good, they weren’t realistic.
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waytomisery Jan 1, 2024
Yup ,
slow learner here as well . But when I finally did learn to say “ No” , I still could not get elderly family to understand that they needed to accept care from hired help .

We are on 3rd and 4th person with same stubbornness as the first two .
It comes to a point when they have no quality of life , it makes you just wish they would pass because it’s so hard to watch them be so miserable when they have declined so much as well as be dirty on top of it because they refuse help .
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Set strong boundaries, learn to say "NO" and mean what I say, no back peddling.

Eliminate toxic people from my life, I am entitled to live in peace and harmony, and I will claim that right.
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Yes, two things:
Getting old is not for wimps.
Life is short, make it count.
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Watched a Canadain documentary on Netflix about elder kids caring for more elder parents.
A crucible. I don't know what is to be learned from what I saw other than there is a system that doesn't care when it comes to the old. Yet will not give us a pill to make an easy final exit.
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strugglinson Jan 1, 2024
is it this documentary called " It's Not a Burden: The Humor and Heartache of Raising Elderly Parents" ?
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I Know a Lot more about Nursing homes, rehabs , social workers , Doctors , ICU , cancer and Dementia Plus stroke and cognitive Issues . I watched 3 People die and had to take care of their affairs and clean Out apartments . I also Learned my 2 siblings and son really did Not care so I have a No expectations from them and they will no Longer be in My Life . I have Learned about greed . My Dad was taken from his Home and Nor returned . So In the end This so called biological Family Turns out it is Over and I feel Like I am starting all Over again from the beginning . You do learn a Lot of wisdom and I was there for My parents and 2 brothers . I have to Live Out the final chapter of My Life the best way I Know How and I do hope if I get Ill I will have the option of assisted suicide .
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Watching my DH crash and burn emotionally as he 'tries' to deal with his Narc mom--and going from a fully functional hard working man to a guy who sleeps all day and can barely function due to depression.

All b/c one old woman with an outsized sense of entitlement WANTS what she wants--and her kids supply it.

If it weren't my own family, I wouldn't believe this could have gotten this bad.

I will NOT do this to my kids. If that's my only takeaway from 2023, it's a good one.
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Yes,
To try to prepare as best I can for my old age , and definitely not to impose on my children by living with them.
Try to minimize any impact my being old has on my own children .
It can be difficult though , unexpected things happen . The brain can go haywire with dementia. My biggest fear is that I will lose insight and will be uncooperative . I want to be that pleasant cooperative old lady .
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It gave me KNOWLEDGE in that it was forced upon me. I had no idea how to be a POA or Trustee until the quick learning curve was forced upon me. So, yes, I learned. And directly from my brother I learned how someone with Lewy's Dementia saw the world. He was interesting as a book by Oliver Sacks, on the subject of his brain.
I learned I was capable of more than I thought I was.

These are all lessons I could well have lived without, quite honestly. I think that caregiving is dreadfully hard. As a nurse I always knew I could never do it 24/7 hands-on and survive it. I cannot imagine how people do. It will not so much "teach them the wisdom of patience" as it will "wear them down into being unable to react".

It isn't something I recommend for wisdom, whatever that wisdom thing is.
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You can try your hardest, pray your hardest, follow all the advice and do everything right and still fail, in fact in elder care that's a given.
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Midkid58 Jan 1, 2024
AMEN!!
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The day I realized that there was no more "best solution" for mom with dementia, stroke, broken hip and CHF.

There was only the least bad choice among several. That gave me some peace and perspective.
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