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I agree with SusieW314. I am 11 hours away from Mom and am the only sibling who does anything. I don't even get help with paying bills, and her bills are high. I send my love and support to you, but I have no hope that you will get help if you are not getting any help already. I don't understand it, either. I could never behave as my sibs do. But I've had to just accept it.
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anonymous770773 Dec 2018
I completely agree. Siblings who don't help seem to manage to get tears in their eyes when talking about our mother but some of them can't manage to even pick up the phone and call, or go visit, or ask if they can help by doing something so you can have a vacation. They have convinced themselves that they don't have the resources (as if you weren't yourself spending what you would have put into retirement) and that the parent won't know the difference and that you are just playing martyr. That's how they live with themselves. When it comes time for services and burial and money distribution, if any, then they will have all kinds of advice. It's amazing how what we internalize as the definition of integrity is so different even among siblings of the same parents. I'm with you and I sleep well. I don't see how they ever could, but they must. Of course, I will have nothing to do with them ever again, I'm so disgusted by their lack of empathy and their ability to lie to themselves.
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Gods Only Knows!!!
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Do the best u can to spend regular
quality time w/mom as you seek paid live in helper. Is senior day care an option for you? My mom lived it even as her condition got worse,she enjoyed riding to/from.
Good advice to sit w/family to do financial PLAN for long term care and the short term helper(because
your moving. 'Mom can stay with one of you or we split all costs for her care..and we put it in writing")
Memories fade..make a WRITTEN
plan.Even if it's in the form of a family "mom care plan" meeting
summary.If no one contradicts it in writing..it's fact. I found wonderful
helper for 2-4 days/wk,plus day
care. We took turns getting her up dressed&fed before day care. The facility served 2meals,changed her
diaper and got her to walk and do
activities (music,movie,games). My
mom had 11 doctors, so I learned
a lot about aging. Acupuncture was Godsend,we dropped 6 docs!
She had Reiki 1-2x/wk it calmed her.We repeated "everyday and in every way, I expand my mental capacity' (said 7times several times) I tried to make her laugh, especially when I was tired.I took
some weekends OFF by hiring TWO helpers (1/2 day each, they
were check &balance)and stayed til she was asleep.Second came early morn.YOU make a plan so you can have a life and care for her
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First..you can not get them to help unless they want to help so look elsewhere.
Start looking for Adult Day Care for your Mom. This will give her a place to go, friends she can make, things she can do. Some also go on outings if she is able to join in.
Sooner or later you will not be able to leave her home while you go to work. She will either need a care giver or she will definitely need Adult Day Care, or you will have to look for a Memory Care facility for her.
If she has the funds look into that. If she will have to go on medicare start the process now. Many facilities will accept Medicare only after they have been "private pay" for a given time period, usually a year.
There is a lot that goes into caring for a person with Dementia, is her house set up for it? Barrier free, large bathrooms to use a walker or wheelchair? Bedroom on the first floor? These are just a few things that will make caring for her easier.
Also know you will probably have to leave your job if you plan to care for her full time. You will loose friends, you will become isolated, if you are married with children make sure they have some input into any plans.
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Stop trying and get someone who CAN and WILL help.
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Does your mother have the resources to move to a memory care community? It is best to make the move while she's still able to adjust well.

You should not have to shoulder the burden alone, but your siblings have the right to differ with you in their opinion of what is the best way to care for their mother and maybe that's moving her to a community.

If they don't want her to move to memory care AND don't want to help care for her, then that's another story. If they are offering to pay the bills, hire a home care companion for as many hours a day as you need and get on with your life. If they won't take her when you need a break, arrange for a respite stay at a local community (usually they'll take someone if they will stay for at least a month). Your siblings can pay the rent.
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I have not read all the responses but I would like to say, forgive me if it's redundant, that her going to stay with them, even if they would agree, is not a good idea. Alz and dementia patients have a very difficult time with change and it could cause further rapid decline. They need routine and security, moving hither and yawn is way to hard, so please do not pursue that avenue.

Also, I am sorry that you feel abandoned that they will not physically help you, but we all get to decide how much we are willing to help. If you didn't consult with them about your moving in, you can't really expect them to back you up. They didn't make that decision, you did.

You would be better off accepting the financial assistance and hiring an aide. You can not force them to care more than they do but you can cause a life long fracture.

Mmaybe its time for mom to be in a facility that can provide her with 24/7 care. It is hard to make that decision, but sometimes it is the best option. Then you can be her daughter again and perhaps have some more good times and happy memories.
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Unfortunately that task usually does fall to one sibling. Strange but true. You would think they would have more empathy and realize how hard it is for ONE person to handle so many responsibilities but alas that is the sad truth. I just know that when I feel overwhelmed I know that I have done everything humanly possible and within reason to assist my mom. She is still very independent but that will not always be the case and it's still hard to give up freedom, privacy, and life as I used to know it. I do plan to acquire services when that day comes. This forum definitely helps!!!
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I have the same problem. Although my husband has died and I am alone but so are my sisters and I am the youngest, too. The oldest sister is helping out three times a week watching my mom till I get off work but the middle sis lives in Oregon and doesn't get out here very often. So the burden falls on me. I work full time and live with my mom but I need some time to myself. She says all I have to do is ask but I feel like if she is watching her that I have to get home as fast as I can which I don't know why. My mom is getting worse by the day, you would think her other daughters would want to spend more time with her. Its just sad how one sibling ends up doing all the work and sometimes I feel like I am getting Alzheimers now. Who is going to take care of me? Just a sad situation all around.
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I stopped asking because my only sibling is a huge disappointment to me. If I have him stay with mom while I do errands, he doesn't have her check herself ( incontinent) and when I return she is soaked. He will have the TV volume so low she can't hear and watching something not appropriate for her. I have POA so if mom gets too much for me because of my own health issues, he will just have to visit her wherever she may be. Good Luck.
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If Mom has dementia, siblings should not be the ones caring for Mom. Mom needs live Medical Professionals. There are Medical Professionals that will donate their time and expertise for Dementia patients. Mom would stay and home and have three Medical Professionals serving strictly her. The only cost is providing meals and lodging for the Medical Professionals.
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Isthisrealyreal Nov 2018
What planet is this available on?

I would not be able to trust a Medical Professional that would live with 2 other Medical Professionals to care for 1 person and only want room and board. If it sounds to good to be real, because it is.
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