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Perhaps you can get your own MD diagnosis (stress disorder, anxiety, depression), and present this to the authorities (rehab) that would have been in her charge in the first place if you did not take this on. I am sure you'll come up with something due to necessity for your own survival. Do not discuss this with your mother. Handle it and get her placed in an appropriate care facility, then visit her bringing flowers. Do you argue or set up any situation where arguing may occur. Obviously, she knows how to manipulate you - until now. You have to put a stop to this however you can for your own survival.
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Beatty Mar 2020
TouchMatters: Well said. Kindly put but very sensible. As was your earlier post 'heart to heart'. Would you mind if I referenced or forwarded that one on to another thread I follow *it's been a hard week*? I think that is just the right advice for that guy who is burnt out too.
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Your mother needs to be in a facility.
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I really sympathize with you. I am the same way. I don't do well with smells. In fact, it was always difficult for me to change my babies' diapers, so I know I would never be able to change an adult diaper. By all means, as difficult as it may be, it's time for your mom to be in a facility.
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Wow, you are a saint! If it was me a I would check myself into a psych ward and call Adult Protective Services and tell them where to find the house key!

My neighbor is 75 and was caring for her 95 year-old bed bound mother who refused to allow outside help. Mom fell out of bed, broke her hip, was assessed at the hospital and is now in Memory Care. Why do we allow this to happen to ourselves?
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Bshandy Mar 2020
Yes, Frances73. This elder folk caring for 90yo parents is becoming a trend! I guess the baby boomers are in for a rough ride. We are getting old, too! I have arthritis and Fibromyalgia and clinical depression and I'm having one heck of a time trying to pull this off! And I have BOTH my parents to care for in their home. Neither of them walk very well and struggle with incontinence problems and dementia . They "refuse" to leave their home for care but my dad finally let some pt people in. He was falling all the time.
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I'm so sorry for your situation. Your Mum being only 71 too. You stepped in to help but found it way bigger, deeper & gruesome than expected. You are not the first & won't be the last ❤️.

Every plan needs reassessing & adjusting. Things keep changing so the plan can change too.
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TouchMatters: "Perhaps you can get your own MD diagnosis (stress disorder, anxiety, depression), and present this to the authorities (rehab) that would have been in her charge in the first place if you did not take this on."

I'm surprised that this idea isn't mentioned more often. The elder's doctors rarely care about the caregiver, which is why so much is assumed and dumped on the caregiver. And of course it's the elder who is their patient.

BUT the caregiver has their own doctor, who is only concerned about them. I always said that I would get my own doctor involved if it was expected by my mother's doctors that *I* would do personal duties for caregiving my mother -- say, they expected her to go home to do rehab. Fortunately that never came up, as she went right from "independent living" in her condo to hospital to SNF rehab to long-term placement in SNF.
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Beatty Mar 2020
Yes, get your own advice when pressured into caregiving. I did.

I went to see my sister's doctor. Couldn't discuss HER (no med POA) but talked about ME - crafty eh? Doctor said basically "Back away. Let the chips fall. Have sister come to me when not coping/needing round the clock care/needing endless chores done. I'll get a Social Worker for her. You stand back. Self preservation".

That was one straight talking, experienced lady! Her culture was to one to respect your elders (no NHs) but she said this has to be *within REASON*.
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I learned the hard way, and I felt bad for my dad so I moved him into an independent apartment four minutes away from me and took on caregiving duties to the tune of six hours per day after work. When he refused to shower and change his clothing, my husband would step in and force him to do it. It became a battle. Unfortunately, he ended up with CDF, a UTI, E. coli, and dangerously low potassium. When he was being discharged from the hospital after just three days, he needed rehab in order to learn to walk again, so he went to a local rehab facility which also had nursing care and a dementia unit. After three days in rehab, they were ready to discharge him but I decided to move him down the hall into the dementia unit and it was the best decision I ever made. Unfortunately, he only lived for about 12 weeks after that. Had he been back at his independent apartment, I would have lost my job, lost my home, and the domino effect would have been devastating.
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You are not alone with your feelings. The longer it goes on the harder it will be to reverse your situation. You can tell your mom’s doctor ( or maybe talk to the nurse that comes in) that your mom does not have anyone to care for her any longer. Tell them you thought you could but you are not able to care for her properly. You do not have any legal obligation or moral one to care for your mom. It’s cheaper for insurance to get a family member to do it—but you can say, “No.” Most people don’t know that.

Your mom will get better care in a professional setting. Also, if her mental / physical health declines they can make appropriate referrals. Just be the squeaky wheel and insist that she be moved.

sending hugs.
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My wife, who is also 71, has Alzheimer’s and, before I read this post and all the answers, I had convinced myself that she was not doing these things (belligerence, failure to cooperate, arguing with EVERYTHING I say, stumbling around, doing absolutely nothing to help herself, etc.) deliberately but now I’m not so sure. I’m at the very end of my rope! Fortunately, we bought Long Term Care Insurance and I’ll be placing her in a memory care facility within a couple weeks. I’m done with the guilt and shame of failure but I’ve been doing this for almost four years now and I can’t do it any longer. Nearly 52 years ago I promised “for better or for worse” and I’ve come to grips with the fact that a move to memory care is the “better” for us both.
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Countrymouse Mar 2020
Good decision, Yohnny; and a very good way to look at it, too. I'm sure you're right that this change will be better for both of you.

Your wife isn't doing it deliberately. The only reason it matters is that if she *were*, she might be capable of reform; but she isn't, and she isn't. Unfortunately this does not make keeping her clean, comfortable and safe one whit easier.
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I am so sorry for what is happening. You MUST face facts.....you cannot continue like this and no matter what, she must be placed before you are totally destroyed. There simply is no other solution. You must put her into a facility.
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Beattie, Anything I write here may be given/provided/copied to anyone who may benefit. Also, I believe (I don't know - ) that what a person writes here is not copyrighted. It is available to the public. Bottom line, if it helps someone, we need to distribute and share our comments / education / experience / support / inspiration. That is what we are all here for. I recently re-copied a post on Next Door - it was so good I wanted people to read it again (although I gave the original writer credit). I don't need any credit.
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CaregiverL said: "You should not have taken her back home knowing that you could not handle it. Have her taken back to hospital and tell them there's nobody to take care of her. Demand to have her placed in facility. Hugs."
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It is possible to do this, really? . . . "Send her back to the hospital and leave her there"?
* How does this 'demanding' process work; are there legal ramifications?
* Wouldn't leaving her there be considered abuse?
* How to handle if a care facility WON'T admit her, again (without asking a lot of questions). In other words, why would they take her 'back,' knowing what you are wanting / trying to do. (Unless they understand and support the process knowing what this means to family members.)
* I would like to see what an attorney specializing in elder care has to say about this.
* This is potentially vitally important for caregivers/ family members to know.
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Hi everyone,

UPDATE:
I've read through a lot of your answers and for the most part, they were kind and compassionate and actually did bring me comfort for a couple of days. For the record, I did not "know" that I wouldn't be able to handle taking care of my mom. I had no idea it would be as hard as it was. I promised her I'd do everything in my power to keep her out of a nursing home. Which is exactly what I did and feel no shame about it. A week after posting my question, her skin started oozing fluid and she'd started feeling pain any time I touched her legs and shoulders. The visiting NP came to check vitals and suggested we call 911. Mom passed 6 days later. I'll be posting more about that in a different Q.
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StandTall26 Apr 2020
I'm so sorry to hear this. I am praying for you.
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Is there other family members that can help?
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I feel your pain sister! I've been caring for my mother for 3 years, luckily she's able to use the bathroom on her own. Somewhat. I now have my uncle, her brother in the house with us & he is completely incontinent. The worst of it is he puts his hands in his diaper & it eventually ends up everywhere. Duct tape around his pants has saved my life! Caregivers come 2 hours a day 5 days a week from the VA for him. When they come. They were supposed to be here at 12:30 it's 2:10 now. Some days not at all. Check with your mom's Medicare insurance & fight fight fight to get some home help. Have one of the rehab nurses tell your mother she needs physical therapy in the facility if she's going to get to where you're able to take care of her. My mother accepts information from the nurses & physical therapist far better than she does from me. Just reminder her it's to get her back on her feet so you can do things together, go out & be social... whatever. Create a fantasy world for her to look forward to. But you do have to fight to get help.
At least wearing a mask & gloves all the time prepares you for wearing one now ALL THE TIME!
Good luck & God's speed
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