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rosebush

Just for your clarity - I am not comparing Alzheimer's to bipolar or any other mental disorder/behaviors. There is no comparison. There is a difference.

Henceforth - However, I am saying "The behaviors can all be managed the same way."
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LoopyLoo Sep 2020
No, they can’t.
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Might want to touch base with the local area agency on aging for a referral to the nearest source of help; possibly adult protective services. You cannot live this way without it taking a toll on you physically and emotionally. You are at risk yourself. I doubt he would cooperate, but you might be able to go alone if there is a neurologist/psychiatrist to consult with based on your descriptions of the behavior. They of course would have to see him to prescribe...and he would have to cooperate...Maybe connect with the Alliance for the Mentally Ill as well...they often know local resources, or the Alzheimer's Assn. Watch for the same professional name(s) to be mentioned...
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He is an extreme danger to himself and others. There is nothing you can do at home to help him. Nothing. You MUST remove him from the house as soon as possible -- immediately. Call your local Agency on Aging (or whatever city/county agency) and get their input on your decision. This will give you options, but be prepared for very few, if any. He MUST leave. NOW. Put down your laptop now and get started on your plan. NOW.
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"I am afraid that any move I make will irritate him more."

You are exactly right. Someone with a mental illness/behavior problem gets more agitated if you stand up to them or say or do the wrong thing.



" I heard it was best not to argue and try to correct things, so I try to stay away from doing."

That is correct. You will just make matters worse.



"Not knowing how to react when this happens I get scared and freeze while he continues to badger me."

The best thing to do is get out of his way.



I have cared for people with mental illness ranging from bipolar to schizophrenia most of my life. I have learned the best way to handle them when they get agitated is to stay very calm. If you do not, you will make them worse.

If they get to the point they want to get violent, get out of their way.

If you remain calm with them and get out of their way, it usually will calm them down.


This is the strategy I have always used for the ones I am caring for with behaviors. It has worked every time for me. I have never had to call 911. It didn't matter how violate or in a rage they got. As long as I remained calm and got out the way - they calmed down.
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NeedHelpWithMom Sep 2020
Hailey,

You are so correct. The more that I tried to debate an issue with my mother due to frustration, the more she would argue back with utter nonsense.

Having said that, she was quite frustrated too. Who wouldn’t be in her situation? She has a dreadful disease. Parkinson’s disease is so difficult to manage. At first, it wasn’t so bad but as it progressed it’s really debilitating.

It really doesn’t make sense to argue with others when it will only make matters worse. In some scenarios, with issues that can be resolved we don’t have to be afraid to argue a point because we can reach a solution to the problem. At least we can hope to compromise with each other and respect one another.
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I speak from experiences in my past. Here are some points to consider. If he goes into fits of rage and becomes violent, there is no way on this earth that I would allow this to occur. He has no right to act this way, sick or not - I don't care. When a patient's behavior is so horrible and has such a terrible impact on those around that person, and every method has been tried, YOU MUST REMOVE HIM AND PLACE HIM SOMEWHERE before he destroys you. In the meantime, I would get my nerve up and tell him in VERY STRONG WAYS that effective immediately you simply will NO LONGER TOLERATE HIM SPEAKING AND ACTING THE WAY HE IS. IT HAS TO STOP AT ONCE - RIGHT NOW. I don't think you can stop the violence and behavior. It will only get worse. I would immediately call the police and tell them he threatened you and is terrifying you and you need help. Somehow perhaps they can get him admitted to a hospital. Then when they want to release him, YOU DO NOT ALLOW HIM TO COME HOME NO MATTER WHAT. Then they will be forced to place him. In the meantime, talk to the doctors and the Office on Aging where you live and ask for advice and help. People who are bi-polar can be extremely dangerous (I know because of someone who made my life hell and I had to have police protection). You cannot allow him in your presence any longer.
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https://www.nassaucountyny.gov/1438/Aging

Here is the link to the Nassau County Area Agency on Aging. Call them tomorrow and ask to speak to a social worker about how to best address this situation.
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Sendhelp Sep 2020
Teamwork!
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I just read your profile.

I'm not sure what to say. I looked up your local Area Agency on Aging, which is accessed through www.nassaucountyny.gov, but their website won't let me in (probably because I'm not in the States) - have a go yourself and see what's on offer. If there's an advice line, just talking through your situation with someone might be a great relief.

What I'm left thinking is that you're 74 years old, you've had real tragedy to deal with in your life, and it must surely be about time that someone reached out and took your hand. Why is family so reluctant to get involved? Have things always been difficult?

For immediate purposes, look up 'grey rock' technique. It is true that it is better not to challenge or oppose disordered thinking in people with Alzheimer's disease, but that doesn't mean you have to *agree* with it! Do you have any idea what triggers your husband's angry outbursts? It sounds as though it's some sort of mental or emotional itch that he has to scratch, and he uses you and your reactions to do that.

I especially hate to think of your being scared and alone. Well, of course you're not entirely alone - I'm so glad you're coming to the forum regularly :)
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rosebush2: "...In front of other people my husband is a different person like Jekly & Hyde..."

rosebush2 - I've got news for you. Your husband knows exactly what he is doing, Alzheimer's or not, he knows to behave differently/better in front of other people. And he KNOWS he can terrorize you and you will just take it.

My mother also has Alzheimer's. She's past the stage where she got angry at people, accused them of stealing, etc. However, while she was in this stage, she would never pick on my aunt, her younger sister, because my aunt would scream right back at her with as much or more anger. So, my mother, in her Alzheimer's stage, learned not to mess with my aunt.

Your husband learned, and you taught/reinforced him, that he could bully and terrorize you with no consequences. Time to put a stop to that. But only you can do it. You need to tell him with as much authority and conviction as you can that you will do xyz (whatever the consequences you want to give him: walk out, leave the house, call the police, etc.) The next time he acts up, DO enforce the consequences. He'll learn. Maybe not the first few times, but he'll learn eventually not to mess with the new you.
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Cdoug1948 Sep 2020
You are right, he knows he can bully and terrorize with no consequences.  You have to be careful with a person in this condition.  It might have worked for your aunts but standing up to him could lead to a very harmful or deadly situation.  In N Carolina an AL husband killed his wife and daughter (who were his caregivers) during his rage.  You can read it on YouTube.
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What you are describing is abuse. No one should have to take the abuse - physical, mental and/or emotional.

I know because I speak from experience. My uncle moved 1700 miles to be here because he was so abusive with his children that they would no longer speak to him. For awhile the abuse was okay. I especially felt guilty because he would be Jeckle and Hyde, too, and it was hard to explain to people when he would be so nice around them. It took its toll and eventually things had to change. I am no wimp; I took it like a champ, but eventually it was too much and things had to change. Since he wouldn't change, his living situation had to change. He was horrible with the staff there, too. The difference is that they got him medications that helped alleviate some of the outbursts; and to be horribly blunt, they are paid to deal with it and know how to deal with it better than we do. Even if you cannot place him in a facility, it would be a good idea to talk to his doctor about medications!

Have you thought about seeing a therapist for yourself? A good therapist can help you make decisions and set boundaries to mitigate the abuse. It is also a good place to release some of the stress you are feeling. You say you cannot leave him alone, so can someone come stay with him for the short time you would be away or can you do therapy over the phone?

Have you thought about placing him in a memory care facility? It sounds harsh, but you cannot live your life as if you are walking on egg shells - it is not productive or healthy for either of you. If he really is - and I believe you - different in front of other people, then maybe a memory care facility will be able to handle him and at the same time give you relief. You can visit him for hours each day and hopefully get away from the abusive behaviors.

Another alternative is to document each abusive outburst and start calling 911 if you feel even slightly unsafe. They are able to bring in a mental health professional and perhaps have him sent to a psychiatric facility. He knows what he is doing because, as you said, he is different when others are around. That makes the abuse even less tolerable. Don't feel guilty bout doing this - you have every right to protect yourself at all costs!!

No one, not even a spouse, should ever think that abuse is acceptable in any form. We look at people we love and think we should be able to handle it, but the truth is that we cannot. And we shouldn't. His abusive outbursts that last hours and days is taking a toll on you both emotionally and physically. You NEED to take care of you, too. As selfish as it sounds, you deserve to be healthy; just because he isn't healthy isn't an excuse to put yourself in a dangerous situation. You never know when his outbursts will turn physical. Also, the abuse does change us physically.

A therapist and/or social worker can help you make decisions that are good and healthy for both of you. Many community centers have access to one or the other, or both.

I wish you the best in this journey. It is one of the most difficult in our lives, and it shouldn't be made more difficult by someone who is abusive.
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LakeErie Sep 2020
What she is talking about is mental illness. It’s not the same thing.
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1) find a registry with local sheriff's or police, called Vulnerable Population Registry/Special Needs Registry. Register your names, or just your husband's name. (Fill out a form, ask your doctor for help.).
2) You need to be able to confirm at every point of contact that he does not have a weapon, and is on the registry of vulnerable adults. For example, when you call 911, when they arrive, etc.
3) Learn to observe his behavior and leave the home immediately before he blows.
Keeping yourself safe is more important than stopping him from what he is doing. If you are afraid to return home, if you need a welfare check on your husband, call 911 or the business office of 911.
4) Put a lock on your bedroom door, and sleep separately until this phase changes, hopefully for the better.
5) Never threaten that you will call 911, just make the call.
They will make an assessment and either come with a psychiatric response team or will call them to come. (You can call PMRT yourself.)
6) Treat each other kindly.
7) You do not need to be in a violent mode when police are summoned. You can learn what to say to law enforcement.
"There was an incident earlier today, and continuing for 3 days, I do not feel comfortable and feel unsafe."

Because you have said: "In front of other people my husband is a different person like Jekyll & Hyde", that proves he can still control his behavior. Your actions above, by calling on 911 a few times will put him on notice that he needs to self-control in your presence also, or there will be consequences.
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He needs to be put in a facility immediately if he is becoming violent. This will only get worse. Call 911 next time it happens
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A very dear friend of mine has a wife who is bipolar. He told me once, the worst time of his day was when he came home, because he didn't know which wife he was coming home to.

She threatened him, repeatedly. He worried about her hurting their children. She would take her meds, and then stop - common in people who are bipolar - and then go off the rails. She once locked him out of the house; he had to call her sister to intervene. The really messed up part - she's a nurse. So on the occasions he could get her committed, she know *exactly* what to say to get out.

He finally told her, in no uncertain terms, that the next time she stopped taking her medication and he had to commit her involuntarily, when she came out he would have taken the kids and left with no forwarding address. He had to keep his kids safe.

I think you might need to seriously consider leaving, for your own safety. I realize you must be torn, he is your husband and you feel it is your responsibility to stay and take care of him. But there is no reasoning with someone who is bipolar and has dementia. Either place him someplace safe, or leave him for your own safety. You can't very well continue to take care of him if he seriously injures you - or, God forbid - kills you.

Please stay safe!
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Realize that his outbursts are the result of fear/anxiety and misunderstanding/forgetting information. Your husband's medication for bipolar disease should blunt some of his emotional intensity. Alzheimer's medications should help with retaining information. He might need his medications "tweaked" a bit to help him remain calmer and stay more in control of facts. Of course, there comes a time when Alzheimer's medications do not work at all (heavy sigh).

I would advise you to ask him to tell you as calmly as he can, what he is seeing, thinking, noticing... and how it makes him feel. If he is frustrated because he can't find something, offer to look with him for the item. If he is having difficulties expressing himself, let him know you love him and to slow down until he finds the words. You can acknowledge what he says, "I hear that you are saying..." but you do not have to agree with his statements (or disagree for that matter). If he becomes physically aggressive, call 911 for help. If you notice he is having more aggressive episodes, he may need to spend some time in an inpatient geriatric psych unit to modify his behavior.
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I agree that violence is never acceptable. Abusing you verbally, although it may be due to his mental issues including alzheimers, is not acceptable either. Alzheimers only gets worse at time goes on.
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Have patience. Stay calm. Be positive. Don't say or do anything you may think could up set him.

Do nice things for him. Be caring and loving.

Be very gentle and polite. Let him always be right. Apologize often.

If he gets violent .... Get out of his way. Whatever works best for you. Go in another room, go outside, whatever. He will calm down.

Be easy. It will work out.
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notgoodenough Sep 2020
Really? Keep apologizing? Great advice. Maybe she'll apologize herself all the way into her grave.

This is mental illness. It doesn't just "work itself out".

Clearly, you have never had to deal with a violent, mentally ill person.
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Please don’t accept violence, no matter the reason. Your husband needs care that is beyond what you can provide, not your fault, you’ve certainly done all anyone can expect. Now time to protect yourself and have him living elsewhere
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It’s not going to get better, it will get worse. Please consider placing him in a facility for Alzheimer’s.
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psuskind1 Sep 2020
I totally agree from experience.
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Violence is never acceptable. There are no good reasons to ever tolerate being a target for aggressive behavior.

Best wishes to you. I sincerely hope that you are able to find a feasible solution to this challenging situation.

At one time I helped out a friend (single mom) with her teen son. He had severe autism, he was non verbal. It was easy to sit with him when he was a toddler and a younger boy. He knew me. I watched him grow up.

I suspect that he also had mental health issues. His mom has bipolar disorder.

Anyway, this young man when in his teen years attacked me. This kid towered over me, he was over six feet tall and weighed over 200 pounds. I am 5 feet and only weigh slightly over 100 pounds. I was extremely frightened. I had bruises all over me after his attack. I made excuses for him due to his severe autism.

I was seeing a therapist for some anxiety that I had about a stressful situation at that time in my life so I decided to speak to my therapist about the situation with this young man and he got me to see that even though his aggressive behavior stemmed from frustration because of his disabilities, that I was nevertheless being abused and suggested that I no longer sat with him.

I so wanted to help my friend by sitting with him on occasion for her to get her hair done, doctor appointments or just to have a break! I realized that I had to stop sitting with him and stopped.

He never improved and even attacked his elderly grandmother when she sat with him.

Social workers stepped in to try to find a solution for her. Life has many challenges. It’s tough.
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Just b/c your husband is ill with diseases doesn't make it okay for him to be violent towards you. Violence is never acceptable for ANY reason, period. Does his doctor know about the violent behavior and the Jekyll & Hyde personalities? If not, let him or her know immediately in the hope that medication can be prescribed to curb his agitation.

If not, he needs to be placed in a Memory Care facility or in a Skilled Nursing Facility if there are no private funds for Memory Care. Medicaid can be applied for; contact an elder care attorney for a consultation about YOUR rights. Disease or no disease, please look out for YOU.

The next time he gets violent, I'd call 911 and have him taken the hospital for psychiatric evaluation. Let THEM figure out how to sedate him before they send him back home. Hopefully, you will have contacted an elder care atty and have your Plan B in place for if such a scenario takes place.

Nobody should live in fear in their own home. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Take heed of Tothill's words, read them very carefully. Wishing you good luck and Godspeed, my friend.
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My 74 year old husband was the same way and after I finally involved our older son who made him go to the doctor because obviously nothing was wrong with him and everything was my fault. I called the police numerous times and he was very calm and said to them nothing was wrong. I learned that sometimes I had to run away for a night away from him as I couldn't take it and he would yell at me to never return to our house because I wasn't wanted or needed. The next morning he would call my cell phone and plead for me to return. I apologized repeatedly and said it was all my fault and I would try to correct my behavior. I now give him medication in his early morning meal to keep him calm during the day. I now go to the gym and run errands every morning for about 2 hours and when I come home he is excited to see me. He has vacuumed(poorly) and emptied the dishwasher(no one knows what I will find in what cupboard). We use the same dishes everyday even though we have multiple sets.

This abusive behavior went on for about five years until I found answers to my questions about the disease through lots of internet searches. Now I know that he will never say it was his fault and everything that goes wrong is mine. That's ok I don't criticize him and I keep him calm. He now can't read anything nor can he tell time or change the tv remote. We do very little outside the house and I have had my son employ people to do the chores that I use to expect my husband to do(of course it's my bill to pay but we have that figured out) There is nothing like a man slowly pushing a grocery cart through the market who doesn't know the names of the food stuff that he is looking at. But he feels like he is accomplishing a good deed for me. We go early and all the clerks know not to question him about anything. A little note helps explain lots.

Make him dependent on you and when his medication isn't working walk away. I go out in the yard and pull weeds or wander. Never argue it only makes it worst and realize that lots of us are going through this. Read some articles and books on the subject and really educate yourself.

Have you gotten a power of authority over money through a lawyer? Do you have a current will? Have you thought about arranging how you can control the assets that you have? Do you have children who can help sometimes? My grandson who is 9 is a great babysitter for his grandfather when I want to do something in the yard that I don't want to involve other in.

We have been married for 50 years and I didn't sign up for this but I do remember the great life and the adventures that we shared throughout our marriage.

You have to allow your life style to change if you want to keep him in the house with you or make the choice to place him in a facility. GOOD LUCK!!!!!
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MargaretMcKen Sep 2020
Well done for posting how you have coped, without suggesting that it’s the only ‘right and proper’ way. I hope things continue to be manageable for you and for your husband. Best wishes, Margaret
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You need to protect yourself from his violence. When he gets violent, leave the room/house and call 911. Your safety is important.

Talk to his doctor and let him/her know.

It maybe time for him to go into a care facility.

A very good family friend had early onset ALZ, she was just 60, but lived another 27 years. She attacked her husband with scissors. It was a very scary situation. Unfortunately the stress of providing care killed him, 25 years before she died in care.
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