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I was shocked by your last sentence. Do you really want to stay with him if he chooses his mom?
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Sounds like he has been trained for a long time to be Momma's *good boy*. Trained that Momma comes first. Always.

But that stunts other relationships as you are seeing - three is a crowd in a marriage!

He needs to have this explained to him - until he gets it. Starting with your Pastor is a very good idea. Make an appointment & invite him. If he does not think it is 'his problem" go on your own for support & advice.

Communication is about both of you. Is he willing to take responsibility for his part in communication in his marriage? That"s going to be the first step of many in the road.
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TouchMatters Oct 2020
While I am not traditionally religious, I would question if the 'Pastor' is a very good idea. I suggest a neutral therapist, without the religion indocrination or belief system of the church interfering. "IF" the pastor takes the position that the 'man is the head of the house and he makes all the decisions,' it certainly won't help this woman --- who needs to feel her self-worth and self-respect. She's already been through h---l and back. My vote is for a neutral therapist, preferably Jungian trained. If she goes to a therapist, DO ask how they work, what their approach is. Everyone works differently.
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Don't just run, run fast. Or one day you'll be in the shower and he'll come in wearing his mother's dress and holding a butcher knife. Each castle can only have one queen, and he's clearly picked who will be his.
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TouchMatters Oct 2020
You know . . . women who take this for years and year and finally CRACK and do their spouse in (to the grave) are 'often' criminally charged for murder. I know there is the abuse doctrine although I wonder how 'easy' it is to actually use it in a court of law. Let's hope he's a vegetarian and has no need for a butcher's knife.
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So, in his 30s, he bought a house and found he couldn't maintain it on his own. He brought his mother in to be his housekeeper, rather than paying a once a week cleaner, the way lots of folks do.

He dated you for 4 years before (reluctantly?) making a commitment to marriage and ?kids?

He tells you mom is moving out but she doesn't. He says he is sorry you are uncomfortable with the situation, but will not allow changes.

What makes you think this man is going to do anything but use you?

Does he want kids? If HE does, then you tell him no dice until mom moves out.

Frankly, it doesn't sound like this guy has any desire to make YOU happy. I would move on. Go see a therapist on your own.
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Run, don’t walk. He’s a mamas boy and he will always pick her first. Just leave. Move on without him.
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TouchMatters Oct 2020
I sense he'd be the same even if his mother wasn't around or after she leaves this earth. He doesn't respect his wife. Period. I heard years ago:

YOU TEACH OTHERS HOW TO TREAT YOU

So true.
(6)
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Maybell—-if you have to ask the last question in your post, i think deep down , you already know your husband is a mama’s boy and he has chosen her. You can give him your ultimatum and just sit back and see what he does. No where in your wedding vows did it say you were to take care of MIL in YOU and your husband’s home. Right?? I feel for you, but if he doesn’t make the necessary moves now, you should do what makes you happy and fulfilled as a woman and a human being.....might be time to step back or move on with your life.....just my thoughts. Blessings coming your way
to find peace and happiness.....
Blessed Be )0(
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You and your husband might benefit from some marriage counseling. If you think that might not be affordable, try contacting a spiritual counselor. The Catholic Church runs retreats for married couples called Marriage Encounters that concentrate on improved communication. I'm sure other faith communities have programs to support marriages too.

You have a difficult problem and I sympathize. I agree with the advice to make sure you are able to support yourself independently because that will make you stronger no matter what resolution you and your husband come to on this issue.
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I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I'm also equally sorry to say that your choices are somewhat limited. Stay and be miserable, leave (temporarily) and hope your husband comes around to your way of thinking, or leave permanently.

I know what I would do in this situation. But I'm not you, so what I would do isn't really relevant.

But I want you to look at the very last line you wrote and think about it. Are you really willing to be married to someone that you aren't sure is going to put your needs ahead of his mother's?

My daughter once asked me how I know my husband was "the one". I told her he was the first man I was ever in a relationship with who put my happiness ahead if his own.

You deserve to have such a man in your life.

Even IF you give him an ultimatum now, and even IF he acquiesces, how much longer until there's another issue in which your happiness comes way down his list of priorities and you have to make yet another and yet another ultimatum?

Your dilemma has somewhat less to do with caregiving, and more to do with your spouse caring about you. Only you can decide how much you're willing to put up with.

I hope whatever you decide, you can find the happiness we all deserve to have in our lives.

Good luck!
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Do you work? That helps to get out of the house.
As the others have said, give him an ultimatum. So he knows you're serious. Therapy might help for guidance.
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Maybell Oct 2020
I do work. It used to be that I looked forward to coming home after work, but I dread it now.
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Pack your bag and go somewhere relaxing for a week or two. Let your husband know that you'll be going away for a while and let him take care of his mother. My guess is he'll be begging you to come home at some point. Only do so after he's found another living arrangement for his mom. Support his relationship with his mom, but erect firm boundaries for protecting your marriage. Meanwhile, work on having an amenable relationship with the MIL. Check in now and then and don't act out becoming the rageful daughter-in-law. You'll be firm and yet not angry, upset or acting out with MIL. In other words, manage the situation in a way that he gets the message that you're no longer available to live with him and mom, but that you do care @ his mother.

P.S. The last thing I would do to my adult son is to live with him and his new wife. Very cagey of is mother. Also, perhaps her son needs to learn about how to individuate from their relationship. Has there been any trauma involved?
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Maybell Oct 2020
His parents separated when he was young, so she raised him as a single mom. Nothing else traumatic.

Yeah, supposedly she was telling him before we married, when she was supposed to be moving out, that she thinks newlyweds should have their privacy and space. I’m not supposed to say anything that could hurt her feelings, but she obviously knows she’s causing problems in our marriage.
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I think that you married with an agreement that hasn't been kept. Your husband clearly understands your position but has chosen your mother. Now the choices you have for yourself are your own, and can only be made by you. At 60 you are correct. She may have 40 years left.
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As said this was not the agreement. I think Dear MIL is playing her son. Maybe his house but she lived there and was used to doing it her way. I think she is trying to get rid of you and she may succeed.

Maybe what you can do is suggest DH sells the house to Mom and you find another place to live. I hate ultimatums usually work out the wrong way but maybe that is what you need to do.

Tell DH this is not what you signed up for. Mom was not suppose to be in the picture. You don't feel comfortable in a home that should be yours. So, if he can't tell his Mom that ur a priority and that she needs to find a place to live, because that is what she said she would do, then u will need to leave. You don't plan on living the next 20 years under the same roof as her. If he chooses Mom, then u have your answer. Then u leave.
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Maybell Oct 2020
I’ve already tried suggesting that we move, and he refuses. I also think his mom may be hoping I’ll get fed up eventually and leave, and if things keep going as they are, I may.
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On the face of it I'm fairly sure he won't pick you, and that in a way it might be best if you agree to part and chalk this up to experience; but could we go back a bit and see the whole picture?

Your MIL was living with your husband. Why - what happened that both made her move in with her son and made this seem like a reasonable idea to him? More to the point, WHEN did she move in to her son's home?

How long had you known him before you married?
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my2cents Oct 2020
good questions
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Is she a freeloader? Does she contribute anything to your household? Does she require any caregiving?

You're in the beginning years of a marriage which might be doomed. Try counseling, but also be aware that it might not work. Once you find out for sure that your H won't put his foot down and make his mother live elsewhere, the sooner you start a new life, the better.

And don't bring any kids into this!
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Maybell Oct 2020
She does contribute, she pays some utilities and does a little housework, though she also keeps the house in a huge mess. She’s in poor health, but doesn’t require any more care than the average older woman, like she may need help moving heavy items.

It’s crossed my mind that we should probably try therapy, or at least talking to the pastor at our church. I don’t know if my husband would go for that; he hates for anyone to know any of his business.
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Listen, DH and your MIL CHANGED THE TERMS OF THE AGREEMENT they both made with you when you married him! It's not acceptable for your MIL to live with you, as you did not agree to that when you said "I do" and now, you DON'T. Period.

Your husband has a choice. He can man up and be your husband, or he can stay a little mama's boy and take care of his mommy and they can live happily ever after, together, in the same house. Two women under one roof = disaster.

If he chooses his mother, get out while the getting is good. Otherwise, you're facing decades of life under HER roof and HER rule. I would say, for me, that's a deal breaker. If it's a deal breaker for you, then lay down the law.

If not, figure out how to make it work for the three of you. For me, three's a crowd.

Good luck!!!
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Who’s paying for her life? Does she contribute to the household? I’m sorry your husband is totally spineless where his mother is concerned, but the sad fact is he’s already chosen long ago and it’s mom. I hope you’ll both seek counseling as a last hope to save your relationship. He’s not hearing you as things are
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