I want out of my marriage. Help!

You are certainly not a monster, and you know it. HE is, though, so take the good advice here, see a lawyer, and get as far away from him as you can.

Can you get palliative care or hospice to evaluate him for extra care in around the house for him? FOR YOU? ask your doctor....

I know someone in the same situation. Also, my mother had dementia and the same plan had to be used for dementia patients. You will need to have your husband admitted for mental evaluation at a facility for this. Mom was in the psychiatric section at the hospital but there are standalone facilities and they monitored her, checked all of her medications, etc. You can only go visit at certain times on certain days. They are there about 9 or 10 days. While he is there, speak with the case worker to inform them that your husband cannot come back to the residence because you do not feel safe and he is either and that he needs to go to a nursing facility (or memory care facility as they are called). That is really the way it works. So, you will need to contact his doctor and tell him that is what you want to do or make an appointment and go see his doctor. If you take him with you, he will say you are lying, etc. judging from what you described. Please note that as far as my Mom, she had multiple other problems along with the dementia but dementia/alzheimers is enough for them to be evaluated. Get help from the physician by asking him to get him admitted to the evaluation center. Then, you can have him moved to a facility afterwards. At least that is how most people I know have done this. Good luck to you. You are important too. Remember that. You are entitled to some good years in your life. Keep in mind that it is self-pay at the facility unless he has long term care so do some price checking before you venture out & think this through.

To all caretakers who are suffering with taking care of their "patients", when it is destroying you ask yourself this: Is it worth what it is doing to YOU and do YOU deserve what is happening? If not, you know the answers. Sometimes things cannot be fixed and you either sink and wither away into dust or you get strong and do what you have to do - move on with your life. Very sad but true. Think about yourself first - you are human and it is the right thing to do.

You clearly need help.
But, before you decide you need a divorce, please talk to:
Your husband's doctor.
A good financial advisor.
A good lawyer.

Yes, you need to be free of his verbal and any physical abuse.
He needs to be cared for and safe - not by you, but somewhere.
As his wife you have the power to do both of these things.

I would hate to see either of you not get what you need. That includes your financial security as well as safety if he is still competent.

In the same situation here! I truly feel for you!!! DH's symptoms began in 1999, after a series of head injuries & manifested as an exacerbation of his personality "quirks." I filed for divorce 5 years ago, when I couldn't take it anymore & the doctor kept saying DH was fine. That I was the one with the problem. He put me on meds instead of further testing DH!!!

It took two years & thorough evaluations by a clinical psychologist & a neurologist to get a diagnosis. They said he would decline quickly with probably only a year or so left. I withdrew my divorce petition to take care of him.

We tried home care 3 hrs twice a week & that wasn't enough. Our social worker found an adult daycare program with transportation provided. Started 3 days a week & moved to 5 days a week when a spot opened.

Adult daycare has been a blessing for both of us! DH was always a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde: beloved at work; giant jerk at home. At daycare he is sweet, friendly & helpful. When he gets home he is tired, hungry & ready to nap.

It may be possible for adult daycare to work for you as your DH segues into residential care. You would have some hours alone to plan & think.

Best wishes for a positive outcome for you & your husband. There is no judgment here, only prayers for peace & joy in your life!

You married him for better or worse, how can you desert him now?I know many people like you,but no one leaves. Get help,live in different rooms, pay for his care ,but do not leave him. No one will respect you for that!

You have to follow your heart. It’s over. Plain and simple. Your heart is not in it anymore. Why fake it?

You said it all. “I want out of my marriage.” That’s pretty clear. I don’t think anyone can misunderstand your sentiments.

Question should be, “How long before I can get out?” We can’t answer that. An attorney can help you with that.

I wish you well. Don’t allow anyone to make you feel badly about your decision.

Years ago there was a terrible stigma about divorce. I think the majority of people are accepting and understanding about people divorcing. Some people actually should divorce because they truly are better off living separate lives. The marriage ran it’s course.

Some people even enter a marriage feeling they will stay married as long as it’s a good marriage. Your situation isn’t an issue that can be worked on with marriage counseling. This is quite different. What could a marriage counselor say to help you cope? Nothing.

No one anticipates these complications in their marriage when they are standing at the alter. We are in love! Life happens and our feelings change. Many people divorce for reasons not nearly as serious as you have and they have no qualms. I think you will be relieved.

If you miss anything, it will be about missing what once was, the man your husband was when you loved him. He is no longer that man. Only you can say how you feel. People don’t get to tell you that you should stay married or how to feel.

Relationships end all the time, married or not. It’s a legal issue if you are married so it’s a bit more complicated. I suppose that is why some people don’t desire getting married. They are perfectly happy living together without the ring and marriage certificate.

People have all kinds of stipulations. I have friends that complain because they know if they meet someone they most likely will have been married before with kids. They refuse to date a man with kids because they don’t want to be a stepmom. They want that clean break from an ex, so they don’t have to deal with an ex wife. So everyone has their own desires or needs.

I adore my husband and we have been married 41 years but I think marriage is weird sometimes! Hahaha.

It’s weird how people view marriage. I wanted to live with my husband before marrying him. He did not want to. He wanted a wife. I had to give it serious thought.

I would have been happy to live together for awhile. Honestly, I was a bit afraid to marry. My home growing up wasn’t always harmonious so I tended to fear a relationship at times.

Plus I guess it was kind of feeling like, how do I know I will love this person a million years down the road? I knew that I loved him but it’s kind of strange.

I had a friend who lost her dad when she was young. Her older siblings were alcoholics. Her mom was an alcoholic too. She married young just to get out of the house. So everyone is different. Sadly her marriage ended. Who knows which marriages will last.

I have seen many miserable marriages that I want to scream at them, “For God’s sake, get a freakin divorce!” It would be the kindest thing they could do for each other. Even their kids wanted a divorce to stop the fighting. But you can’t tell people that. I wouldn’t. It’s none of my business. It’s their life.

It’s your life. Do what you want!

Woman, what on earth is wrong with you. Why on earth would you want this man in your life or your home - think what you wrote - find a way to remove him from your home into a facility and start living your life. You deserve to be free and at peace and be joyful. Get him out of your life - now. Please, please - you have done no wrong. I don't care why people are like this - the point is that when they are this way, YOU MUST MAKE A BREAK BEFORE THEY DESTROY YOU.

Many people are living a life that is not exactly what they wanted (or thought they were getting). Everyone has struggles. People like to put on a “front” and pretend that their lives are perfect, but we all have challenges.

This is your life, your decision and your path. Maybe you stayed because you felt like you “had to” because fifty years ago you made a promise to each other in front of a lot of people, many of whom are now strangers to you or have even passed away. Maybe you feel like your kids, or your parents, or your neighbors, or even the people on this forum would judge you as a bad person if you left. Maybe some of them will. Maybe others will say, “I don’t know how you possibly stayed so long.” It doesn’t matter what they say or think. Please don’t let others guide your decision. Let your own heart guide you. The only approval you need is your own.

Ask yourself, what would you say to a friend who came to you and told you she had been subjected to abuse for many years? You would probably hug her, listen to her concerns and tell her that you support her choice. You would want her to live her best life. You would tell her, “You can do it! You’re still young! Live your life. Seek happiness.”

Be that friend for yourself.

Your story reminds me of a movie that I saw several years ago, an Oscar contender called “Big Eyes.” It was the true story of a woman in an unhappy marriage who chose to start over after finding the courage within herself to leave. Look for guidance and inspiration around you. You have a lot of courage, because you’ve made it this far.

Live the best life you can, for you.

I certainly can identify with you. My late husband was about in the same shape as yours and it was a very difficult situation. Like you, I did not want to live that way and wasn't sure how long it would last. He did pass away after a few years...which were horrible. I stuck it out due to finances mainly...after he passed I was able to move on with my life at age 68 with enough money for the rest of my life. I've met someone who I am in a loving and caring relationship with. BUT am hesitant to remarry!!