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I think it’s healthy for you to seek a normal life. To take care of others we need to be in good shape too. I’m inclined with others if finances are available for placement in Assisted Living. I would suggest a Probate or Elder Law Attorney. Divorcing could add more legal costs and please consider your Social Security and Tax position in that could be affected by that decision. You both deserve to be cared for.
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Our situations are so very simular it's scary. I'm also 68 and taking care of a husband with dementia (Alzheimer's) only he is like a child of 2. Trusting and a big flirt with others. His attention span is about 1 minute like his memory. I'm so sorry your husband is so abusive. Love is very important so I would not give up on him. I've known my husband since 1969 so we are close to the time you've been with your husband. I also have no outlet for myself but my husband has been in a rest home for the past 2 weeks and should be returning home Tuesday. Though I like being by myself, packing all our stuff is tiring but I found THAT EVEN THOUGH HE IS SICK AND CAN'T HELP HIMSELF----I MISS HIM. I dont know if I helped you but I hope so.
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jacobsonbob Sep 2019
I suspect there is one important difference: from what you've written it appears your husband wasn't and isn't abusive. From what yatzeedog123 has written, she won't miss him due to this behaviour.
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No you are not a monster. I have a friend whose former husband (her words) has dementia and is in AL memory care. She does visit him and helps him as she is able. Seems to work for her. There is no reason you can't do the same. Is there a ways to get him admitted? Financially you also need to do what is in your best interests. Try to get solid advice from a CPA, financial advisor or attorney.
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I can sympathize with you. I would look into a memory care facility that meets your needs and budget and don’t look back. I know, easy to say.
Keep the faith
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yatzeedog, you are getting some good advice here, and I concur that you need to take care of yourself and create a life that you can enjoy now. I am sorry that you devoted so much of your life to someone who was abusive to you... Whatever your reasons, you can heal and forgive yourself for choices and decisions you made in the past, but they do not have to be the same choices and decisions today.
You are in a different space as is your husband.
Look at your options regarding separating (at least physically if not legally) and make decisions from there. Once you are no longer overwhelmed and burdened by the daily care, responsibilities and abuse, it will be easier to make decisions from a clearer and more mindful space.
I wish you ease through this part of your journey... NO JUDGMENTS whatever you decide to do... Please just ensure that your decisions are for the greater good ... that your husband receives the care he needs and you live the life you need and deserve... and we breathe...
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TouchMatters Sep 2019
thank you for spelling judgments correctly.
(comic relief - and true!)
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Place him in a facility and you will get some relief. At least a break in the action. Just remember---what you do now will come back later on you, so if you abandon him, expect the same for yourself in the future. Karma has a way of happening later on, and unexpectedly.
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LorenMGG Sep 2019
This is not about abandonment... I don't think you meant to sound harsh, but it came across that way...
I agree that placing her husband is the best way to go, but it doesn't have to be done with anger, or animosity, but with the belief that it is all for the greater good.
Guilt is not necessary, though I am certain there will be feelings of guilt no matter the decision...
Self-Care, self-respect, self-compassion is an imperative part of caregiving.
It sounds to me like yatzeedog has had years of guilt through emotional and mental abuse... It is probably past time that she take stock of her needs and feelings and address them in a compassionate and empowering way.
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We have an elderly friend who was in a similar situation. If you can afford it, and he agrees(?), he needs to be in ALF or a MC. If you have financial and medical Durable POA, you can help make these decisions. In my opinion, you don’t need to file for divorce. After he’s in ALF/MC, you can get on with your life (as our friend did), and visit him occasionally in the ALF (or not!), and, as our friend did, fall in love with another man, travel, etc. And when he dies, you are hopefully the one who inherits anything that’s left. This scenario may be too simple in your case, but I thought I’d share what our friend did. All the best to you and your future!!
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shad250 Sep 2019
Dump him and go In other words
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I am l00% with you, fully behind you in every way. I am glad you once loved this man who obviously did not return the love. If his behavior is negative, cold and abusive and is harming you mentally and physically, YOU owe him NOTHING. He deserves to be left behind. NO PERSON EVER SHOULD HAVE TO PUT UP WITH BEHAVIOR AND ABUSE AND THEY ARE FOOLS IF THEY ALLOW IT. I only wish you had left earlier. You are entitled to live the life you have left and he is using you and you are his slave. Put a stop to it at once. Find a facility or a caretaker but leave and start a new life. There simply is no other choice. Go now while you still have a chance. And I know many will disagree but that is their problem. You are not bad, you should not feel guilty. You need to move on with your life - now.
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Do you have a PACE program in your area? Program for All Care of the Elderly. Another is call Ombudsmen in your state
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It is a tiring experience without rewards.
I married for better or worse, in sickness or health. This is the worse, this is the sickness. Everyone is different, but he sounds like he needs a higher level of care than what you can give. In his world he may not even realize the change.
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When I read your story I said to myself that was me. I was advised that at the first chance I could to call 911. Once you get him in the ER tell the dr that you can’t take him home because it’s an unsafe environment for him and you. Ask to see a social worker. I am 2 years past this.
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Jypzy2019 Sep 2019
Great advice.
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I don't think you are a monster at all. I don't know what you can do but search around here and google what you can do to break free of caring for this person and keeping your finances in good shape.
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You are much younger woman than him. You can get him into ALF? Do you have adult children who can help? No, you’re not a monster & you don’t deserve to be abused. Can you please get respite care for yourself? You are not responsible for him anymore. Your health is at risk. Don’t kill your self over him. Please get help. You may have to get him to ER & tell them you are not his caregiver & he has nobody to care for him. Also contact VA if he’s a Veteran. He could get into VA home or provide Home Health Aides for Home. But you really need 24/7 care for him.
Hugs 🤗 hugs 🤗 hugs 🤗
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It is hard. There is a lot of good advice here.I would second talking to an attorney. You want to make sure you have control.

My mother would not sign anything so I am stuck with a lot of no-win situations and siblings on my back.

As for divorce, again a lawyer can guide you. But, if you can, try getting an aide in for a few hours. Being able to leave the house and knowing he is ok might help. Some agencies send aides who can do some light housework.

As others have said, a divorce leaves him free to remarry, and that person might suck him dry. After your experience, you deserve some comfort.

It is a hard road. Good luck.
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That sounds exactly like Lewy Body Dementia. My husband was diagnosed at age 52 with Parkinson's. But actually, he was showing signs of dementia before that. His dementia is exactly like what you have described, and was diagnosed with Lewy Body before he went into a nursing home 4 years ago. I am just slightly younger than you - 66, and I work full time. I was so depressed back then, I couldn't imagine how I would get through life. You need help, just like I did. And sadly, there is no help for caregivers. Please reach out to local support groups, because one suggestion can make a big difference. I visit my husband every night after work to help feed him. He is no nicer now than he was 4 years ago because he hates being in a nursing home. But, for my sanity alone, I am so thankful for the people that help care for him in the nursing home. Please don't let your situation continue. I will pray for you! Carla
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This is my wife:
I have been caring for her since 2006. 13 years. I am 68 now.
There are resources, depending on your state program.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8q0V7xuz1f0
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jacobsonbob Sep 2019
Good video; thanks!
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There are many more here who have shared information on the legal side of your moral dilemma.  My advice is on the other side - if you do not take care of yourself, he will outlive you.  He has no stress, and you bear more stress and grief for both of you!  Your ability to carve out a piece of living for yourself is imperative for you to continue even in a healthy relationship - and is much more important in this quagmire.  You need more time - and not less time - to replenish yourself.  Take all the advice here. 
If he is able to leave the house, adult day care could be considered as a start.  
Prayers to you for finding relief and comfort.
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You are not a monster. You are probably burnt out or heading that way which is not good for your mental and physical health. An Aging Life Care Manager can assist. Find one at aginglifecare.org. Less than a lawyer. Are all high level healthcare professionals.
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I’m in a very similar situation. It had been coming on him quite a while but I didn't realize it, and the money went because of his very bad decisions. So there is no money for help and I still work hard and of course making almost any amount of money disqualifies him for mediCal. Divorce is something I am looking into - its the only way to make him indigent enough. The system needs to be fixed. I am 65 and he’s 88, and I get so little time to work and get away.
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Delberte Sep 2019
So true! Lawyer wants 15 grand to get on medicaid, whose got that kind of money? If I had that I wouldn't need to go on Medicaid!
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In many ways i am in the same situation.
The very worst thing is his being nasty
if he was like this before the dementia will only make it worse. I finally TOLD my doctor that I wanted to put him on an antipsychotic med. he did and immediately things got better. It is still a lot of work and very lonely but his temperament is good. A lot of doctors will say these meds could cause problems but I believe in quality of life
both his and mine are much better now
blessings to you
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Teresa914 Sep 2019
My mom was so hateful and nasty even at one facility she was in and they put her on seraquel. It helped a lot but this last time she went into a nursing home someone took her off of it without me knowing which pissed me off. I contacted her hospice nurse and she got my mom back on seraquel. I could tell she was off of it because she was being hateful and telling me to get the hell out of her room.
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just this week, I felt exactly the same. After long discussions with my children - I feel-with help-I can continue -- I can't just throw 62 years away! If my kids lived closer, it would be easier. Our neurologist ordered home health care & it helps him some.....but I am still overwhelmed. I am fortunate in that he is a small man, so I can still help him with showers, etc. I have decided to find someone to come in to stay with him so I can get out. For now, at least once a week for 4 hours. Later, more. He will complain & say I am abandoning him and he doesn't want a babysitter, etc. etc. I MuST not pay attention to that. We are burying ourselves for our husband's sake - we must stop!
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Pollieb Sep 2019
I do agree-I’ve hired Visiting Angels here in Mn & the 4 hours they’re here have helped me.
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I am so sorry. I have no advice. I just want to say that you deserve to be happy.
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What a sad and difficult situation. Hired help or placement in a facility sound like your best options. You don't need a divorce, but you need a separate life.
You would probably be happier if your husband were not in the house at all, but I don't know if you can force placement in a facility. If you hired home care, you would still be subjected to your husband's unpleasantness when you were home.
Do you have the resources to rent an apartment for one of you so you didn't have to share the living space? Would your husband's personality run off a lot of hired care givers?
You have shared a desperation felt by many. Good for you for initiating the conversation.
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See an elder lawyer and a family lawyer - you probably won't find one that does both.

I don't think you should care for your husband at home anymore. It is not about your physical ability to care; its about your mental and emotional health in caring for a very abusive personality. With dementia, the paranoia gets worse and the "social filters" on speech are removed. If he is so verbally negative, it may be hard to find home health aides to care for him in the home and give you a break. The verbal abuse will not go away but only get worse. It seems he needs care in either an assisted living facility or memory care unit. Both are rather expensive, but medicare and medicaid might help pay for them. Ask the elder lawyer about this.

Ask both lawyers what would happen to your husband should you divorce him and take half the assets from your marriage. - that is all you can expect financially. If you leave the marriage, you also do not have the right to decide on his care. Do you have children from this marriage that can assume responsibility for decisions on their dad's care? They should be brought in on the discussions of his care as well - if you decide to leave. If not, he will probably have a legal guardian appointed if you divorce and this person will decide on his care.
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I read through this entire conversation and agree with the other respondents. You are not a monster at all. You sound like a decent human being trapped in a bad situation. Your situation is also a wake-up call for all of us in bad relationships. For many reasons, we stay in bad marriages, take less than we deserve and then after all of this, the spouse gets sick and then we’re stuck in yet another bad situation. To all women in bad marriages, figure out how to get out when you can. Once your husbands get sick, you won’t be able to leave because the guilt will drive you crazy, you’ll feel the whole world is judging you, etc. Please talk to an attorney, inquire about legal separation and division of assets and how best to leave the marital home after you set up a care plan for your husband. Build a better life for yourself...you’re only 68 with a lot more life to live. All the best and let us know how you are doing.
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it is only going to get worse. Just wait until you have to change his diapers and induce bowel movements because he forgot how to bear down. The most humane thing you can do for him in my opinion considering how you feel about him--put him in a nursing home; if he is not on Medicaid, get him on it. It does not sound like he can manage on his own at all. See an eldercare attorney about that; you may have to see another lawyer for divorce. See the eldercare attorney first and go from there.

Another alternative is put in him psychiatric care -- if you feel he is a danger to himself or others you can get him Baker Acted and they could put rearrange his medications. There is a possible chance his behavior may alter for the better. I said a chance. No guarantees. The biggest plus are SOCIAL WORKERS in the hospital.
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Plenty of good suggestions here. I’m concerned for your safety, living in the same house. You are already at risk emotionally; you may be at even greater risk. I think you should find a way to live SEPARATELY, while
giving some care alongside trained professionals. You MUST take care of yourself first. Best of luck...
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I suggest that you see a good lawyer that specializes in elder law. You need to deal with financial issues and care issues. If you can deal with staying in the marriage, but not necessarily living with him 24/7, that would help prevent the possibility of him finding another person who might complicate the finances as well as the care situation.
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It would probably be a good idea to see a lawyer now. If you don’t want a divorce, it would be best if you could have a Power of Attorney, and also make sure that wills are up-to-date for both you and your husband. If your husband is paranoid and won’t agree, a trust might be more palatable. You aren’t concerned at the moment about finances, but advice could be a good investment. You haven’t given information about family, and unfortunately problems can come out of the woodwork when it becomes clear that the marriage isn’t going too well. Many women have had to cope with husband or father getting tied up with a younger female scammer, and money can disappear only too easily. If you spend less time with your husband (with luck because you have organised another care option), he may feel bitter, and that is fertile ground for other relatives to step in. I don’t want to be depressing, but this is a difficult situation which could get to be a nightmare if all the worst things happen. Protect yourself before you make changes that could trigger worse problems. You have wanted him to be taken care of – take care of yourself first.
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Thank you for the info and mostly your support
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