She has a whole arsenal of zingers and emotional triggers to use. Keep telling myself not much longer now, but also keep wondering if I will make it to see her living somewhere else. I know I keep posting pretty much the same thing on here, but I have not one person who knows what this is really like. My counselor is ok, but I need more help. I've started withdrawing from life and that's not me. Unable to work, so I'm going to try to get disability benefits but I think I could actually bounce back if she wasn't here. She can't use me anymore and I need to also stand on my own feet as well. I'm 59 for heaven's sake. But it feels like I'm trying to stand back up with her on my back-the mental weight. Anyway, she has gone back to her ways of accusing me of whispering behind her back with a neighbor who visits us. This neighbor is nice to me and Mom gets so jealous. She does this thing called triangulation. Only I think I'm the only one who sees it.
When I kept leaving after my mom trampled boundaries she eventually learned not to yell. It was hard though.
Well, it’s over now since she moved out. If I hadn’t called her. She wouldn’t have had the opportunity to jab me again. I can’t begin to count how many jabs I took in my life. Maybe I should have been a boxer instead of going to school to become a teacher!
I finally hired two aides who she fought for the first few weeks. She now accepts them in her house and she’s sweet as pie to them but demanding and agitated all the time with her children .
I know the pressure and anxiety of carrying them on your shoulders. I started working out and that helped. Part of me hopes she dies in her sleep and than I’m guilt ridden for thinking that . It’s just two much for one person to handle.
Sending some strength your way.
hang in there.
When I started to set boundaries all hell broke loose. She pitted my brothers against me. We didn’t get along to begin with because my brothers are so self centered.
I burned out. I got so much criticism that I told mom to go live with my brother and his wife if they thought he could do better. She stirred up so much crap that he threatened me with turning me in for elder abuse.
Hadn’t spoken to them since she left because I needed to regroup.
Yesterday was my birthday and I tried to reach out to mom. Calls kept going to voicemail. It upset me so I asked my daughter to call. Same thing happened to her. My daughter called my godson, my brother’s son and he gave my daughter mom’s new number.
I called. She was cold as ice to me. I may not even know where my mom will end up living. She’s 94 in November and I am pretty sure my brother will place her somewhere. That’s what he said he was going to do.
She wasn’t even going to give me her number. I won’t know when she’s dying or when she’s dead.
I am struggling to process her rejection. Grieving for a mom that isn’t even dead. It’s horrible.
Nobody understands the dysfunctional dynamic, nor the stranglehold, these women have over us as long as we maintain contact with them. That's why it's impossible to set boundaries....they won't allow it and they constantly change the rules of the game to keep us off guard.......so the only real answer is to go no contact.
Most of us can't feel okay doing that, so we wind up accepting the abuse. We allow the constant mind games and zingers to go on and on. An on. And we wind up waiting for them to die, but they live on and on, coming up with new ways to hurt us on a daily basis. Just when we think they can't possibly find yet ANOTHER way, they do. So we wind up drinking or drugging or needing anti depressants just to function. Right?
I maintain low contact with my mother who has dementia and gets more foul on a daily basis. I've gone from calling 2x a day to once, and am considering going to every other day now. I used to visit frequently, now it's once a week if that. When she goes off on me, I leave or hang up the phone. I don't take half the shit I used to take, but I still take way too much. But I'm the only child, unfortunately, and starting to feel like she's my punishment in life for the past 62 years. I wonder if I'll be 70 and still resenting every moment I have to spend dealing with her. I hope not.
All of her siblings are dead. Her husband of 68 years is dead and shes glad, since she always disliked him because he was never enough, just like me and everyone else in her life who's disappointed her.
It is what it is. I've written all this just to tell you I Get It. I feel your excruciating pain. She doesn't live with me because I put my foot down hard on that subject many years ago. I'd literally shoot myself first, honestly. So I know you have it a lot worse than I do and my heart hurts for you. Take care of YOU, my friend, because she sure won't be doing it.
I hope there won't be a bunch of negative backlash over this comment, or comments about hate or things like that. It's not about hatred...its about exhaustion and never feeling like enough. And it's oddly about Love, too, in a strange way, and wanting a loving relationship but never feeling it or knowing what closeness feels like. Or the mother daughter bond, because narcs are incapable of true love or closeness.
Its all very sad, how they destroy everything they come in contact with, or within 100 yards of their toxic presence. Yep, I really do understand where you're coming from, from one who's Been There Done That
Well-she hasn't been by in a few days. If it was me-my feelings would have been hurt. Anyway. Another example is another neighbor right beside me gave us some fish-fresh caught, cleaned and ready to cook and she said-I wish they had been_____fill in the blank (the type of fish they weren't.) Anything but what someone offers and I think that is so selfish.
When she moves out of my house, I will be able to have some control over how much she belittles me and I will be leaving out of her earshot too when she starts. I will be able to be myself around people without having to watch what I say or how I act around them. You know, like a normal human being.
Again thank you for understanding how it feels.