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I personally feel like a sudden death is always harder on family and friends.

It is much easier when we know that someone is dying. It’s still upsetting and we grieve even if we are expecting it but I feel that it is easier.
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I did not experience relief after 10 years of my mom's slow decline. Only deep and lasting grief. My father's sudden death - suicide - was really different. Shock, wondering why there were no clues, or not seeing the clues, to not get to say to him how much he meant to me, etc. Mom, though, I got to know in a very different way. The intimacy of care giving, of learning how to navigate the changes that come with Alzheimer's, of becoming so important to her, becoming her everything, all that made it so much harder in a very different way. The long goodbye was very much better for me.
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I'm not sure what you mean by "easier." My kid sister was slowly dying over 4+ years from complications of very early onset Alzheimers. I "knew" there was only one end in sight and that it would come earlier versus later. I would idly speculate on how she would die - she was physically healthy and mobile until her last couple of months. When she finally went into hospice (at our home), I s[ent lots of time talking to her. I could not stop thinking about when "the" day would be. And, yes, there was relief when she finally passed, mostly that she was no longer suffering. However, the grief is no less - I miss her every single day and shed tears even after her passing almost 2 years ago. The hole in my heart is no less because I knew her time was limited.
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I’m not sure about “easier” but it is different. Some of it probably depends on how long the anticipated end takes. You are already mourning by the time a loved one passes if you have been watching them leave in bits and pieces for a while, mourning for a long period of time so by the time their body actually passes maybe there is less mourning if that makes any sense. I can’t say that the longer drawn out process of watching and mourning is easier than mourning an unexpected passing though.
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I’m not sure it’s easier. My dad suddenly became ill, and spent the next 4 weeks dying. We still experienced shock and horror over his sudden decline from robust 73 year old taking cruises to dying man.
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I figure that all deaths really boil down to 2 types:

The death you want and everybody else hates - you are healthy and die suddenly. For you there is very little suffering, but everybody else is not prepared for you to die. They feel a lot of pain and grief may take longer to heal.

The death you hate and everybody else is OK with. You have a long, slow slide downhill into death. You may be sick and suffer until finally you have no more life. Everybody else sees that death is a mercy for you - no more suffering or pain. Many of these other people can come to terms with their grief over your death since your life was painful. You hate this because you suffer until you die.

Since none of us know exactly what type of death we will experience, it is best to live each day to the fullest - as if it were your last. BUT, also prepare for a long life on earth.
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blickbob Aug 2023
One friend of mine from high school experienced both deaths in a four year span.

She first lost her dad to a sudden heart attack.

She lost her mom to cancer and she was suffering from it during the final months of her life. The lump couldn't be surgically removed and I believe she was doing chemo. Her last good day was less than a week before she died.

Both of them died before turning 65. The father was 62. The mother was 64. The friend was 32 when her mom died. She and her husband announced they were expecting their first child four months after her dad passed. Her older sister was pregnant with her third child at that time and somewhat named the child after her father.
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No....you can anticipate the passing all you want, but, in my experience, all it did was prolong my agony.
I was my beloved mother's caregiver up to the end....and it was absolute torture to watch her day by day, grow weaker, then lose interest in eating, all that....it was horrible. She and I were super close all my life, and it felt that we were each other..hard to explain.
I'm now over 5 1/2 years out from losing her, and my life is just no longer the same. I exist, but my joy of life is gone for the most part.
If i didn't have Christ the Lord as my Risen Savior, and He keeps me going, I would have ended my life that first year without my dear, sweet mother.
So, No....to anticipate the loss, has a name, it's called, Anticipatory Grief. Grief is horrible in all its forms.
May the Lord be with your spirit. Shalom. 💜🕊💜✡️✝️💜🕊💜
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It was definitely easier with my mom who declined for seven years than with my dad who went from vibrant and healthy to wasted away and gone in six weeks. He was also the first parent I'd lost, and even though they were both 88 at the time, I hadn't even thought about them dying yet.

Of course, my mom also had dementia for those seven years, and the mother I'd known had died long before her physical body gave out. That also made it somewhat easier.

I didn't really get to grieve for my dad because I went straight into being in charge of my mother, and she lasted another 2 1/2 years. It meant that my all-consuming sadness at losing both kicked in some months after Mom died.

I still think about them every day, and it's been almost five and two years now.
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Something my mom always says when it comes to loved ones dying:

"You're never ready."

It doesn't matter if it's out of nowhere or if it's been anticipated for weeks, months, or a year or two. The shock and sadness will be there.
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blickbob Aug 2023
You never really know exactly when, where, and how someone dies.
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One went with cancer within 13 months, the other was on the rollercoaster and me at the controls (POA) for over 12 years.....
It's sad, and as my FIL kept telling his grandchild... This life is temporary... These bodies are not meant to live forever..
A friend had diabetes, was born with it, lived with it his whole life, and devoted to never having kids so they won't go through what he endured...
ON HIS BEHALF.... HIS MOTO: DEATH IS OK. And Death Is Okay.

We just need to understand that everyone is mortal... We do have a beginning and an End....
My first parent passing was a shock and I was not prepared even though I was told by a friend, my parent was a goner because you need a liver to live... My friend, I only new a few months just told it to me straight forward... Was it the right way? Perhaps, I am thankful he was truthful.. could've added some sprinkles on it... but no....
The roller coaster? After a while, you just want the ride to STOP... Stop and catch your breath... How long can you actually ride a roller coster? I could ride one for hours it seemed like when I was young...
I believe, the way or reason why it happens so you can either prepare yourself for a long time that this is going to happen; or it's taken away quickly, like a bandaid being ripped off you skin with the bits of arm hair stuck on it...
There is no right or wrong answer... This is personal, and nobody knows exactly what YOU are going through or had to.
If death comes at your LO from something other than organic, like health issues of some sort, mind or body... but from an outside issue.. than, that's a whole different topic and that I still cannot wrap my mind around it... but.. it happens, sadly...That is the hardest one to sort through...
So your dad died suddenly.. and mom is hanging on... you got to be there for her.. and she may still be suffering from the loss of her husband... and there is no time limit for grieving... It comes and goes, and hopefully, it will start to heal....and happy memories will come to surface.
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In the past 5 years I have lost both parents and my sister to illnesses and a brother to sudden death. The first 3 were after lingering illnesses and while sad were a relief. My brother died in his sleep with no signs of ill health and is still a shock to think about.
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No death is never easy we all die so is the question how soon do you anticipate it. I was put in a position that required my wife to be put on hospice to get the care she needed. But there was a major turning point when she was told and acknowledged that she would not get better. After that I think she willed herself to die. She went to sleep one day a refused to wake up. She went 11 days before she died. Nurses could not believe it. To be honest it was agony to watch her go that long.
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I am not sure .. I lost my love one just about a month ago … He had dementia and multiple other health issues .I knew he would pass in time ..He started his slippery slope 6 years ago ..I believe I have been grieving ever since . Attending Caregivers meetings have helped save my sanity .. With their help I understood what the future would bring .. I knew what to expect . I was able to prepare the best I could . I was able to keep him safe just about to the end . I watched him die a little each day ..The last 3 weeks were awful . By then he was no longer eating and could not swallow , he was in a nursing home . I knew he was at the end of his Journey , I visited every day . The last day of his life , I left at 3:00 and was called at 6:00 . It was his time , he passed .. 💔 For me , even though I was prepared , It was not easier.
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