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I'm sorry to say, yes it does have some reflection on you, but it is to your sister and those who do not deal with this type of problem. I
My father is 90. He does not have dementia and he will not shower or change his clothes. He says it hurts. I tell him I will help him with a sponge bath and the answer is still no.
Sometimes people will stare at me like why don't you do something about this. One person even said something to my dad and he said kindly to them, " I don't care and you won't either of you have to live this long and feel this way. His sentence changed my thinking for ever. How dare any one of us judge how someone SHOULD feel if we don't walk in their shoes. So I say, let what others think what they may. For now be with your mother, love her how you want to. Your sisters is going to say and feel how she does and you can't change that. God bless you for doing the care your mother allows you to do and loving her in spite of her smell.
P.S. If you do have problems with the smell, a tiny touch of your favorite candy flavor oil on your nose might help and help you even feel some joy as well.
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cwinter Aug 2019
Bravo, I agree... until you've walked in the shoes yourself.
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Something I just remembered, when my mother lived alone she would not shower , I found out later because she nearly fell once. I have balance and mobility issues and I know myself after falling once in the shower I don’t do it now unless someone is home or nearby . It was a very frightening experience.
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Ahmijoy Aug 2019
Totally agree. One of my biggest fears. It’s like someone wrote “now get dizzy and fall down” on the walls of my shower!
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If you are the person driving mother, taking her out, you have every right to insist she shower or you won't take her out.
Saying that often works.
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Regarding the bathing, have you tried no-rinse soap or dry shampoo? That worked with a relative. Perhaps she doesn't like the water.
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If you take an elder out in public in that condition, people may call APS for neglect of an elder.

Disclaimer: I am not saying you are neglecting her.
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Why, why, why does anyone allow these mental people to be so controlling and abusive and manipulative that they can destroy everything good around them and no one does anything about it. It just cannot and should never be allowed. I don't care what is wrong with these people, they make the beds they lie in and then let them sleep in it. It is NOT your fault. They are who they are. It is probably useless to try to force them or make them understand. If that is the case, why are they in your home? Place them somewhere safe where they are taken care of and YOU have the peace you deserve and can live your life. I would never put up with this - I just simply could not do it. Perhaps a caretaker can take over and get them doing what you can't. If not, place them. It is just disgusting.
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Ahmijoy Aug 2019
Riley, I do understand what your feelings are. Sort of, “these people have gone mental, refuse help and won’t let anyone do anything for them. So, let them live in their own piss and s**t and let them be dammed!” On some level, we probably all feel that way deep down. Wimpy adult kids who refuse or are afraid to put their feet down and say “ENOUGH!!!”
But actually putting those feelings into effect is easier said than done. A lot of older Seniors who maybe lived through The Great Depression don’t trust anyone with their money, even their kids or grandkids. No way are they giving POA to anyone. These are the people who made clothing out of flour sacks. And, if a relative doesn’t have durable Power of Attorney, there’s nothing anyone can do.
Then, there’s the fear aspect. Many, many elders tell their kids “don’t you ever put me ‘away’!” They put the fear of God into their kids. And LOTS of posters on this forum think all facilities are dirty, abusive hellholes.
So, what you are suggesting, like I said, is on some level how a lot of us feel but don’t say it. We feel awful for those posters who endure physical and verbal abuse from the people they care for, it we know even as we type our advice that they will not take it and the situation will continue exactly the way it is. It’s just the nature of the beast. But we do and always will keep trying. Some “see the light” and some don’t.
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Sorry for all the fear mongering. You aren’t bad children and you aren’t going to be charged with neglect.

I wouldn’t worry about anyone seeing you in public and calling APS. APS will not jump in the car and rush over to investigate. And unless it’s someone you know who calls and can give them a name and address, nothing will happen. APS won’t know who you or your mother are and where to find you.
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Sendhelp Aug 2019
Joannc60,
WorriedinCali is referring to my post as fear mongering:

Sendhelp:
If you take an elder out in public in that condition, people may call APS for neglect of an elder.

Disclaimer: I am not saying you are neglecting her.
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If you are trying no matter how trying it may be, it's not a reflection on you. I read that the elderly don't like to bathe daily as most grew up bathing weekly or less. Maybe you could wear a bathing suit and get into the shower with her. Make it a fun, girls out event. Or even ask her if she could help you as you need the help. Just give her a kiss and a hug.
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Louielouie2 Sep 2019
I don't agree. If you show up with your Mom and you look put together it will look like you didn't care about her.
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Mom needed someone to help her and I felt like it was a reflection on me . She is never in the shower alone. I have a very large shower and the bath aide was able to get in the shower with Mom sitting on the shower chair and we do it the same way now.
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My Mother is 91 and she has lived with me for 1 1/2 years. Before that she was living in her own home. I found that she hadn't taken a shower in 3 years and was in and out of the hospital with UTI. She refused to take a shower and would wear the same Depend for a week at a time. I took her to the doctor and asked if they could send someone to give her a shower. The doctor had to get it approved through Medicare and about a month later a bath nurse showed up twice a week for a six weeks and got her on a schedule. I will say that she will not take a shower as often but once a week is what we are doing now. We also have used a shower chair, let her know that every Sunday morning is shower time. Once a week is better than nothing at all. Changes her Depends a few times a week and has not had any UTI problem since. I was told by the Doctor it is a fear of falling in the shower and it happens more often than you think.
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I feel for you. I always feel it's a reflection on me and if she knew better she would be mortified. I live with both of my parents. My mom makes a huge deal about having to shower. She gets so mad at me. I'm sick of it! Sometimes I can't even be around her because of the smell. My dad can't get her to , not to mention he can't even smell things, so it's me and anyone who comes over. Ugh......so many things are going badly lately....I'm so depressed and have no life. Hang in there honey
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I"m shy to remind my Dad's hygiene is needed . I tried it once, he said that he begs my pardon.
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shad250 Sep 2019
LOL
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Why on earth is her monstrous behavior a reflection on you? If you are doing everything to keep her clean and washed and smelling nice, then do NOT feel guilty. She is a slob, mental issues aside. This is disgusting and unacceptable. Either you force her and she will scream and rant or you leave her be filthy and live like that. But here is the question I have. If she flatly refuses to cooperate and it is affecting you and those around you, why are you putting up with it. She should be in a facility where she is cared for or she needs a caretaker who will make her be clean and proper in her clothing, etc. You can't do it all and if she does not cooperate, that would be the breaking point for me. Do not be a fool for someone like this. And ask your sister to come and make her be clean and if she doesn't tell your sister, you are moving her to your sister's home. I would never put up with this from anyone. You could call Adult Protective Services and ask for their help since nothing you are doing is working - do this to protect yourself from harm and maybe help her in the process. Sometimes we must force people to do things they should do but won't. This is such a situation.
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I am going through the same thing with my mom .her nurse told me to change her and my mom wont let me change her i cant let her be in poop and pee when i tell her she gets mad i dont want to to get in trouble what to do?
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Joannc60,

It is important to understand also how your sister feels about this.

"My sister thinks it is a reflection on us that she smells like urine and looks unkempt. "

This is feedback. Respect her feelings. Do not force her to accept Mom looking this way, sis shouldn't have to go out with your Mom.
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Some of the responses are implying that these family members of ours who are mentally ill (dementia) want to sit in their own excrement.   I assure you they do not.  They are sick ...their minds are not right...they don't know what they are doing.  This is not only a smelly, embarrassing social issue, it is a health issue.
Skin breakdown is serious and painful.

One of two things need to happen... if you are around her daily, you need to find a creative way to get her to change/bathe.  Or, she needs to go into a facility where they will force her to.  Many will not like to hear me say this, but they have meds that will help her mood and make her a bit more compliant.

My mom is in assisted living and when I say "hey let's wash your hair or let's take a shower", she says oh I have already done that.  I can tell by smelling her and looking at her that she hasn't.  So I increased her level of care to include "assisted showers" twice a week.  She still refuses on some days and we just approach it differently later in the day.  I told her the facility was helping everyone because of slipping hazards...or on some days they tell her that the hand held shower is hard to manage so they are helping everyone.  Then she doesn't feel singled out and I don't think she has the where-with-all to argue the point. LOL
Good Luck, but don't take it personally.  Just try to outsmart the disease!
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My two sisters and I are having the same problem with our Mother. It’s a very difficult situation and we feel like we are stuck on a rock!
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