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Zam, this is an elderly lady with dental pain who won't go to a dentist, but DOES go to a cardiologist to have her teeth seen to. This does NOT strike me as someone who " knows what they want" and it sure doesn't strike me as funny, not for the lady in pain and not for her family.
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His mother sounds like a hoot. It appears she is still competent to know what she wants. She may raise hell even in an AL or SNF.
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Dogperson, as I was reading your original post I was feeling your angst. How many times have I been in similar situations! I, too, read postings on this site for months before I posted my first question. I agree with Barb, that a geriatric psychiatrist could help your mother. I have read on this site that a psychiatrist told the caregiver that most elders will keep the personality they have had all their life, it will just become more intense. So the cantankerous mother will just become more cantankerous! My personal thoughts are that a lot of difficult people have lived their life with an undiagnosed mental illness and maybe at the end of their life, when someone else becomes responsible for their medication, they could finally get some help.
My father, on the other hand, was a raging alcholic most of the time with periods of funny sweetness. We never knew what we were going to get! After losing the ability to get his own alcohol and going through a detox period, he now takes a mild antidepressant and is as gentle as a lamb.
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Anyone else hearing a strong echo of Dorker's situation?

I would tell the rehab place that she leaves pots on the stove unattended. That is a very graphic example of an unsafe living situation!
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Dogperson, cantankerous would be not going to the dentist. Going to the cardiologist and expecting to have your teeth taken care of is something else entirely.

Another thought for down the road. Geriatric psychiatrists can be very helpful with agitated elders. Sometimes meds make for a world of difference. Good luck!
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I have an aunt like that. Puts in her two cents even though she does not know the full situation. I know she is trying to help but it just makes things worse.
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Got more responses while typing. Thank you ALL for your responses. My husband has talked to his aunt to prevent further "rescues." My concern is that if she isn't evaluated as incompetent (and I don't think she would be), it may not be possible to get her into a nursing home against her will. From what I have read, that can be very difficult to do. Maybe, as some of you have said, we will be able to push it as a temporary thing until she regains her strength.

I've been reading posts on this forum for several days now, and I realize many people are going through similar and worse problems with aging relatives. It's good to be able to get advice from others who are in the same boat and have more experience with it. Thank you again.
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I agree with the others. When she is in the ER you need to tell the doctors that she lives alone and her home situation is unsafe and no one can take her in. They need to be the ones to place her in AL.
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Thank you both so much for your responses. Yes, she is in rehab at the moment but threatening to call a cab and go home. My husband has talked to social workers, and he and I have looked at some nursing homes in our area. Neither of us thinks we could live with her, and my brother-in-law and his wife feel the same way. Also, three of us are employed and the fourth is disabled, so there would be nobody to care for her during the day and keep her from burning down the house. I am hoping if we could get her into a nearby nursing home where we could visit regularly she could learn to live with it, but I just don't know. My husband thinks the last downward spiral was caused by the dental problems and that if she will finally cooperate to deal with those she might regain her strength and be able to go back home. I'm afraid that might be overly optimistic. Until recently she had some home health people coming in twice a week to check on her, but she told them not to come back. She won't have people coming into her house and telling her what to do.

My husband will be talking to the social worker again soon, and I will give him your advice. It's really hard to tell whether she has dementia or is just being her cantankerous self. UTI is also a strong possibility. She is incontinent and subject to those. I didn't realize until a few days ago reading on this forum that UTI could have such a strong effect on mental state.

Thank you again for responding.
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Echoing what the others have said. cwillie's suggestion of a family meeting is excellent. Everyone needs to be on the same page and realise how sick your mil is, and that she needs help permanently now. I don't think she would be evaluated as incompetent, but it appears to me that she has a degree of cognitive decline. She is making some very bad choices for herself.

Since she is in rehab the family needs to talk to the discharge worker and fill them in about her circumstances, non compliance etc. and work towards placement in a facility. Good luck and let us know how it pans out. There are many here with similar situations. You are not alone.
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To start, maybe a family meeting is needed just to make sure everyone is on the same page so that a well meaning cousin doesn't "rescue" her. If everyone presents a united front that she needs to be somewhere safe - spin it as "just until all her health problems are taken care of" if that helps - then she really won't have any other option but to go along.
I hope someone has POA?
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Agree with Barb. This women needs to be in assisted living. Moved from rehab directly into care. Sounds like dementia with maybe UTI and other stuff.

Different locales have different procedures for dealing with mental incompetency. APS, ombudsman, social worker etc.

I would try the MOM YOURE GOING TO THE ASSISTED LIVING PLACE UNTIL YOU GET BETTER method. Staff at these places deal with this all the time and are pretty darn good at it.

This worked with my parents just recently. I didn’t have to use any legal maneuvers other than my POA. Mom doesn’t like it, she’s mad, thinks she’s just fine and should be home. Reality? She can’t even stand without assistance.

Time to get some tough love going here. If she goes home it’s just gonna be a bigger mess down the road.
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I'd say you have it about right. It's sad that the relative picked her up from the ER, because the hospital might have called APS if no one had showed up to assist her.

So, she's in rehab now? When they start talking about discharging her, her sons need to talk to the SW or other discharge planners about the fact that their mom is no longer safe (emphasize that word SAFE) living alone. And that she is non-compliant, uncooperative with helpers and that moving in with one of you is NOT an option (she will be non-compliant in your home as well).

She is no longer competent to make good choices about her health; it very much sounds like vascular dementia may have set it (the inability to plan, see consequences, make good choices).

You have an opportunity now that she is "in a bed". The facility can help with applying for Medicaid if that's needed.
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