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Why do you think you are the one who has to "suck it up and adapt?" She needs more than you or any one person can do anymore. Her choice is between a facility and full time in-home care.
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Girl, run, run as fast as you can. My motherinlaw fell and broke her hip. She could not take care of herself and I volunteered. On the outside she is very quiet and nice and accomodating until you cross her or say no....ha then the witch comes out. She has 2 sisters, 2 sons. Other than myself no one wanted her. She is in her 80's and both her sisters are up there one 77 one 85. They have lives and don't want to accomodate. Her one son has written her off as well as she to him.
We lived 3 hours away and moved her here. Her hip failed and we pushed for a new surgeon, therapy, blah blah to get her into the shape she is in now. However, now she says we ruined her life, moved her away from her friends and she doesn't like our cooking, so on and so on. We turned our lives upside down, cater to her and all she does is complain how we mistreat her. She won't take her medicines because neither of us know anything and the doctor and pharmacy is stupid. So if you can get out GO
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Please, establish boundaries and save yourself. Has “Everyone” been all hands on deck with caregiving? Honestly communicate with “Everyone” that Grandma’s extensive needs require professional setting with skilled care and it’s too much for you. Go home. Rekindle connection to your husband, dogs, the life you miss.
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Reclaim your life.
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Doesn't her health care pay for any type of home health help at all? What contacting hospice? There are resources, it's a matter of making the calls. I know you're overwhelmed, I know. I wish I was more helpful. Hang on.
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annit77: Perchance nowhere does it say that you have to "suck it up and adapt." This dynamic is not working. I am sorry that your grandma's daughter is an unwell individual and I pray that she can recover. The bottom line factor is that you cannot nor should not continue, else you collapse from exhaustion. Grandma may indeed have to go into managed care whether she verbalizes 'no' or not.
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No, you DON’T need to “suck it up”. She needs to get placed in an appropriate facility now and you need your life back. Who is actually expecting you to be her sole caregiver, other family members? Where are they with help and support? Don’t be a martyr, get grandma in the proper facility where she needs to be!
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About sucking it up: what if grandma is the one who has to suck it up? Like most of us must do as we get old? What a novel idea!

As you fall further into Caregiving Land you’ll realize that there are givers and takers. You’re a giver. She’s a taker.

Since she is so elderly, she may recall horror stories about nursing homes where old people are tortured, maimed and left to die on a hill with vultures circling overhead. (Not really, but the untrue fable assumes that threat in their heads.) There are nice long term care homes now. They have windows, sunshine, kind professionals to take care of people like her and even outings for residents who are able to go. She doesn’t realize that but it’s time for you to find one. Today!

She goes there ASAP and you go home to your dogs and husband. She’s going to whine and cry and beg, and you stand firm. Tell her to suck it up. She’s not too old to learn how.

And that goes for every elderly person on the planet, including me. I’d rather throw myself into a fiery pit than do to my family what she’s doing to you. And I’ve put it in writing.
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