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Tell her that you need to earn a living and that you must go out and take care of other people because you need the money. the situation will soon change when she has to pay a stranger for care.
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Slartabart May 2019
Thanks for your input.it helps!
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What you need to do is figure out what it would cost Mom for people to do your job. What it would cost for a CNA. There are certified homemakers too. Call an agency and see what they charge. Do u mow the lawn? Find how much that will cost. Then tell Mom u will have to go back to work. You need credit towards SS or you will have nothing to live on when your older. Then give her the list of how much it would cost her to hire people to do what u do. If she ends up willing to pay you, make a contract with her. You will need it if she ever needs Medicaid.
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Slartabart May 2019
Good ideas. Thanks for helping.
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Here is just an idea. I’m sure you can choose your own words and make your case much better than I did.

“Dear Mom,

I think you are delightful. I admire you very much.
You are an astute business woman.
I, however, have not managed my life as well as you have. I have to make some changes.

I have a very few good years left to prepare for my old age. I realize that I have great value as a live-in caretaker or geriatric manager. I intend to go back to school to get whatever certification I need to establish my credentials. I might just get a CNA certification and dive in to see which part of caregiving suits me best or work on my PT associates degree.

I know that I’m bondable, a good cook, medically articulate and unencumbered. All of those atributes will help me find my way.

I’ve learned there is a great need for women my age and at my skill level. I know you will be relieved that I have found a way to support myself. At least I have a plan.

I was willing to give my dear siblings a reprieve from upsetting their own retirements but see now that I don’t have that luxury since I am alone and must make my own way.

I know you may not have realized how dire my situation is. I’ve been unsuccessful in articulating this to you in the past. So I’m hoping this letter will allow you to understand my position and aid me in my resolve to shore up my finances. You have been a wonderful mom but unfortunately I am not able to retire and keep you company indefinitely.

I felt it was only fair that I let you know so that you can plan for your own future. These past two years have hopefully given you a reprieve from having to be concerned with healthcare assistance.

Thankfully you are prepared financially. I know you will support my efforts and I really appreciate that. Of course until I have to move, I’ll be happy to help you where and when I can. My focus will just have to shift to my own future.
I’m sure you’ll have no problem finding a replacement.

Love you Mom
StartaBart“
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Slartabart May 2019
You are so kind to give quite a lot of thought to my situation. I have read your letter over and over and it gives me a good start. I am not rushing forward, but
all of this input is helpful . Thank you! 00XX
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I can understand the upset that you and your future seem to matter so little or not at all.

It seems to be a common thread with narsasist, sorry I don't believe in slightly narsisitic , all or nothing in my personal experience.

Are you willing to stay at this point? If yes, it is time for a caregiver contract that covers everything, from what you will be doing, how you will be compensated, days and holidays off, how sick days will be handled. I would not let her give you cash, use a payroll agency so you are getting unemployment insurance and workers compensation insurance, as well as her matching your SS and Medicare. You will be an employee at this point, which is in everybody's best interest. No one is going to give you part of their inheritance as an act of goodwill for taking on this responsibility.

Caregiving is a really hard job and you need to be compensated accordingly, especially since she has the money. She would be paying someone and guaranteed that agency or individuals would not care as much as you do.

My dad pays his stepdaughter but I am expected to do more for free. Ouch! Really. Who asks a loved one to give up their financial security and do this for free. I think if you consider me a loved one you would want to do right by me. You wouldn't expect a stranger to do it for free or give a huge discount. Perception huh?

You can do this! You can get the pay you deserve.

If she doesn't want to do it, I'll hire you as a live-in housekeeper and cook, no personal care required. No personal history to guilt you with.

Maybe looking for a job and a place to live will open her eyes. You can't be used unless you allow it. It is okay to say enough is enough, you matter as much as she does. I know it is hard, but this has to be approached as business and not a personal issue. You are valuable and you are providing a valuable service.

🤗🎉🎉👍🎉🎉🤗 You can do it!
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MargaretMcKen May 2019
'No one is going to give you part of their inheritance as an act of goodwill for taking on this responsibility'. This quote deserves to be engraved in stone!
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And, if caring for a person you are not related to doesn’t appeal to you, just go out and get a job, period. You are not old and would have no problem getting a job. Places like Target, Wal-Mart, and grocery stores are always hiring. Mom will still have to hire someone to care for her because you won’t be there. If Mom does agree to pay you, make sure you have a Caregiver’s Agreement drawn up. It helps at tax time.
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Slartabart May 2019
Thanks for your thoughts.
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Tell your Mom that you are going to get a job doing home care for dependent seniors. Tell her how much you will be paid and that she will have to hire someone to come in to care for her in your absence. That will highlight your worth. If she wants to pay you that will be fine, If not she can pay someone else the going rate. You have the experience and would be hired on the spot. Your absence for 32 to 40 hours a week will shake things up.
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Slartabart May 2019
I had a similar idea but thought I would get my ducks in a row. Mom does have insurance that will pay for $100/day for home care, they just won’t pay a family member unless employed by an agency. When I called several agencies last yr., they all said they would not hire someone to be placed in a specific home, as that would create staffing resentments/problems. I get it.
So, I might ask/tell mom that we should get started on the insurance thing and get some aides in here so I can get a break. She won’t like it. See what all of you lovely helpers are doing for me? You’re helping to unlock this paralysis that’s gotten hold of me! I am grateful for your ideas and help. XXOO
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