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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
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My mom in the beginning stages of Alzheimer's decided for herself that she should not attend anything far from home or with any sort of confusion. This included a grandson's wedding and her daughter's funeral. She understood completely what the ceremonies were and that she would be expected to be there, but she knew I'd be taking care of her the whole time and that she'd get upset with the confusion. I was relieved to not have to tell her she couldn't go, because there was no way I could have handled her during long distance travel, at a strange house or hotel, or at the ceremonies. It was difficult enough at home. I did however take her to her sister-in-laws funeral because it was local. And I took her sometimes to other family gatherings until she just couldn't figure out what was happening. I think your mom is probably at that stage with dementia, not understanding what is happening, so it would not be a good idea. I know it hurts your heart for her to miss it, but she would most likely not understand what was happening or remember it anyway. Just make sure she has a lovely time at assisted living while you are gone and tell her all about it when you return. That will be plenty excitement in the moment of your telling for her to hear about it. And you will probably have to repeat the telling many times. Have a good trip.
It’s hard to answer without knowing her and your family. From my perspective, it is worth it to seriously consider it. My 96 YO mom has dementia, probably six years in, doesn’t know who we are or where she is frequently. We took her to a four day trip two weeks ago, we took a 12 Hour drive to visit friends last summer and we took her to Mexico last year. it involves a lot of planning, bedrail, pads for the bed or mattress cover that is waterproof, Walker, companion chair, cushion. We use ring cameras in the house, which may or may not be of use to you, but we bring that as well as a nanny cam. Everything is in the moment, in HER moment. And you have to be completely committed to her comfort and you have to ride with her schedule whatever it is. You won’t enjoy the wedding like you would without having someone to care for, but if it is important to the family she is there, it is a great gift. And you won’t regret giving her those moments to be loved on by her family. Our mom can be a little disruptive, so when my sister got married in June, we sat her at the very last table. When these opportunities are occasions came up, we figured if mom is going to be sitting in a chair in front of the TV, she might as well be sitting in a chair at the airport or sitting in a chair on the plane. We bring headphones and an iPad that we can download movies on. It was a lot of fun with her belting out musicals on the plane to Mexico! lol. She was confused in the new place, but we guided her along. The ring camera alerts us when she gets up, so we can get up and make sure she gets in and out of the bathroom OK. She had moments of joy, which is all we can give our parents at this time of their lives. It’s a lot of work, but we have no regrets.
Expect her to be disoriented. If she is not prone to anxiety that leads to agitation that escalates to violent outbursts, she should be ok. Try to maintain an environment and schedule as close to possible to her usual. Talk to her doctor about anti-anxiety medication prescription to be used if she becomes distraught.
No it is not a good idea. The day belongs to your granddaughter. Bringing your mother could create issues you haven’t even considered. she should stay at the ALF and you should bring pictures and videos that she can watch when you visit her after the event.
I hope you have a lovely time at the wedding unencumbered by taking care of your mother.
As almost everyone has said “NO”, I’ll tell you about Dora, my MIL aged in her early 90s, attending my daughter’s wedding successfully. Dora was not incontinent, did not have dementia, was not in a wheelchair, and was a nice sensible person with no bad behaviors. She lived alone, with help. We paid her friend and cleaner, who knew her well, to pick Dora up and drive her to the wedding, drop her at the door for two 'spare' male family members to take over, stay herself and take Dora home soon after the end of the service (and the first of the photos). The venue was 10 minutes by car from Dora’s home, and Dora had a seat next to me in the front row which she could access without stairs.
We thought through the pluses and minuses, and were prepared to things to go wrong, but nothing did. Dora and my daughter were very glad that she was able to be present. My guess is that very few occasions have everything so much in favor. If I was asked about an occasion without all these things in its favor, I would also say No. Dora’s presence added to the wedding, but the focus was well and truly on the bride and groom. This is what it took.
Yes, that's a fair amount of planning and organisation for your MiL, an otherwise completely healthy senior, to attend for a short time, taking a short trip, and going home soon afterwards. Comparing Dora's level of needs with those of the OP's mother shows how much more difficult (impossible) it would be to successfully plan for her attendance of a wedding so far from home.
I think it's fortunate that your mother has already moved into an ALF, as that means you don't need to find respite care for when you go and enjoy the family wedding.
Please be assured that your mother won't be missing out on anything, whatever she may say when/if she finds that she wasn't included.
My mum let me know she wasn't happy when she found out that she hadn't been invited to my daughter's baby shower. She hadn't yet been diagnosed with vascular dementia, at that time, but she already had cognitive decline from having had a major stroke.
Mum wouldn't have been able to cope with the event if she had been invited. Not only would she not have enjoyed it, the day would have been about her - making her comfortable, keeping her happy, and having to take her home early after her constant complaints of discomfort. (Been there, done that.)
It was my daughter's day, and sometimes you have to make the hard decisions that may seem unfair to the person with cognitive decline, but accommodating them would mean being grossly unfair to the person who's special day it is.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
she should stay at the ALF and you should bring pictures and videos that she can watch when you visit her after the event.
I hope you have a lovely time at the wedding unencumbered by taking care of your mother.
We thought through the pluses and minuses, and were prepared to things to go wrong, but nothing did. Dora and my daughter were very glad that she was able to be present. My guess is that very few occasions have everything so much in favor. If I was asked about an occasion without all these things in its favor, I would also say No. Dora’s presence added to the wedding, but the focus was well and truly on the bride and groom. This is what it took.
Comparing Dora's level of needs with those of the OP's mother shows how much more difficult (impossible) it would be to successfully plan for her attendance of a wedding so far from home.
I think it's fortunate that your mother has already moved into an ALF, as that means you don't need to find respite care for when you go and enjoy the family wedding.
Please be assured that your mother won't be missing out on anything, whatever she may say when/if she finds that she wasn't included.
My mum let me know she wasn't happy when she found out that she hadn't been invited to my daughter's baby shower. She hadn't yet been diagnosed with vascular dementia, at that time, but she already had cognitive decline from having had a major stroke.
Mum wouldn't have been able to cope with the event if she had been invited. Not only would she not have enjoyed it, the day would have been about her - making her comfortable, keeping her happy, and having to take her home early after her constant complaints of discomfort. (Been there, done that.)
It was my daughter's day, and sometimes you have to make the hard decisions that may seem unfair to the person with cognitive decline, but accommodating them would mean being grossly unfair to the person who's special day it is.