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IMO the only way out of this is for you to get some serious psychiatric help. Nothing about this relationship is in the normal range.

You are obsessed with her and you two feed off of each other. And through all of this craziness you still want to buy her a place to live,

How exactly is she being held hostage she is in a hotel, stop taking the calls from them.

I read your drama and I feel like I am watching a soap opera, that all of this is a story line not reality.

It has been a year, and you are still engaging with her and cannot let go, nothing changes if nothing changes.
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Tell the hotel in Florida to have her Baker Acted, if there is concern.
(That's an involuntary psychiatric hold).

The calls ARE fake if she is "fine with the police". The police can help--they can get her to a psych ER where she belongs. It’s a gateway to the treatment and meds she so desperneeds.

I would call hotel and tell them that you are not her guardian, not responsible and to call EMS and Social Services to get her help if she is acting out.
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southernwave Jun 2023
It’s a great idea, but I wouldn’t call the hotel.

I personally would have an attorney send a letter to the hotel. It would be worth the money (if they can buy her a house, then a $200 letter would be worth it).
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You said your therapist if working on "tools" with you. Has he/she worked on a PLAN? You also asked here for "resources." Can't your therapist provide those?

You also wrote your mother is also seeing someone?

Are either of these therapists doing any good?

Do you see that you are enabling her? Maybe if you stopped the funding, she could finally get the help that she so desperately needs.
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1) Buy Mom a small one bedroom retirement condo in Florida . There are plenty of them . You pick it out without her . Tell her this is your new home . If she doesn’t want it walk away . She will probably take the home , since she can’t fend for herself . Don’t listen to her complaints about it . I don’t see her changing at this late stage of life . You tell Mom it’s this or nothing from you . Tell her if she doesn’t like it she can go get a job for something else .

2) Go to therapy . You need to turn off your sympathies for her .

If you want to help her . You give her what she needs ( a small one bedroom condo ). Does she get social security to pay for food and other expenses ?

If you help her monetarily . You give a monthly stipend for necessities only .

IF YOU HELP HER . Mom gets what she needs NOT what she wants.

If/ When the time comes she goes on Medicaid to a nursing home. Do not pay for assisted living for her .
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Way2tired Jun 2023
Keep the condo in your name . When she dies or goes in a nursing home on Medicaid . You sell the condo and keep the money
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Another year has gone by and nothing has changed. Your mother could live in the TajMaHal (spelling) surrounded by loving family and she would still be miserable and find fault with everything.

Thats just who she is. Stop trying to fix her and accept she is not fixable. Plenty of people have given her opportunity to have connections with them and she has screwed all of them over.

She doesnt want a connection with you she wants to envelope you in her blob of dysfunction and suck the life out of you emotionally and financially.

Her dying would be the best thing that could happen to you but I don't see that happening anytime soon.
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southernwave Jun 2023
This, exactly this. I said nearly the same thing to my DH about his mother: she has a hole inside of her that she wants to fill by stuffing one of us in there and keeping us like a kangaroo Joey where she can pet us every time she feels anxious. (Which is non stop 24/7)

Its sick. And perverted. It’s not normal. It’s gross.
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OP...if your whole post, and problems with your mother, actually are entirely connected to your OCD (as you say yourself, you're obsessed with your mother, to the point of OCD about her)...then nothing we say on the forum helps, because that obsession can't be reasoned with.

you can't reason yourself out of an OCD obsession.

then you need a doctor to help you, OP.
(sometimes OCD obsessions can never be eliminated; it'll keep coming back).
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there must be more to the story than we're hearing.

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OP, the situation sounds really simple:
--don't want her to harass you with phone calls, or her giving your number to other people (like to the hotel, so they call you to say they're worried about your mother)? then change your number. it's really easy. get a new sim card.

--you do want to keep receiving her voice messages (VM)? don't mind that she gives your number to other people? then keep the same number.

--you can silence unknown numbers. you can take a break anytime, from reading her emails, or listening to VM.

--want to give her a house? then go ahead. she hasn't chosen where she wants to live? then choose for her, give her the house, and that's that. don't want to give her a house? then don't give her a house.

--want to help her? then help her. see her, see her health situation with your own eyes. take her to whatever doctors she needs. maybe she does urgently need help, physically and mentally, from doctors.

--don't want to help her? then don't help her.

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OP, are you the kind of person who likes having lots of people (like on a forum) worry about you?

and are you the kind of person who likes saying they're the victim, like "poor me, look at how my mother is harassing me...poor me..." ?
...in other words, no matter what anyone tells you about how to solve your mother problem, you like being the victim, so you'll continue with "poor me, look at how my mother keeps calling me, and i keep listening to the VMs..." ? because what you actually like is the "poor me" aspect, and being able to keep saying "poor me"?

some people actually like it. they wouldn't want to get rid of a certain situation, because then they can't say "poor me".
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Ocdtrauma70 Jun 2023
No, I don't want "poor me." I don't value pity. I want to know what to do now that this isn't ending and I've tried lawyer, police, blocking etc.
Maybe if you heard one of the 30 voicemails you would hear the terror, panic, anxiety and misery of a human being and maybe wonder too.

The lawyer said he has never seen a situation like this in his 30 years.
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OCD,

Why is the hotel calling you?
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Ocdtrauma70 Jun 2023
The hotel manager wants her out of the hotel as she is driving her and the staff crazy. She offered to drive my mother to the airport to get her out. Recognize the way she talks to me is 100 times worse than the hotel. Hotel offered to call police as I had hesitated, yet I did but didn't do any good.
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OCD,

I certainly know that you have struggled with this situation. You generously or foolishly (depending upon how you look at it) helped a mother who wasn’t ever a major part in your life.

Your father raised you. The last time I spoke to you, you said that your father was dying. My condolences to you.

Your stepmom has put up with a lot from your mom. I’m sorry that she lost her son.

There is nothing harder than burying a child. I watched my mother grieve deeply when my brother died. We had to allow him to go his own way too. Sadly, his poor choices in life caught up to him. I do know that we could not have prevented his death. Your stepmother would not have been able to save her son.

I am glad that you are participating in therapy. A couple of things jumped out at me in your post. One was you discussing your stepmom losing her son.

Are you afraid of losing your mom if you totally let go? Please consider that your mom was never a real part of your life. She abandoned you.

You know that while you have empathy for her, you don’t have a genuine relationship with her.

You have confessed that you are following the concept of Chinese Filial piety. I respect any spiritual beliefs that you have but I believe that this particular belief is an extremist point of view.

Has your mother been in touch with her rabbi or another rabbi? How did she end up in Florida?

The other thing that jumped out at me was at the end of your post, about your husband. It sounds like he is becoming numb to the situation and growing very tired of it. Please place his feelings above your mother’s feelings.

Your mother is mentally unstable and will never be happy. If she had a residence in Tel Aviv she would still find something to be miserable about.

Please, stop trying to accommodate her. You have been through enough heartache. Cherish what is good in your life, your husband and son, your business, etc.

You can find peace, but only if you put an end to this crazy situation with your mom.

Maybe your mom does have some remorse over hurting you in the past. Did you consider that she is trying to play on your emotions in order to manipulate you into getting what she wants?

What is her excuse for continuing to hurt you every single day of your life by the continual harassment? There isn’t ever going to be a peaceful compromise with this woman. She wants it all! No matter what it costs, even if it is her daughter’s sanity.

Has your sister been helping her in any way? Your sister doesn’t seem to have the attachment that you have to your mom.

Take care, OCD and stay in therapy.
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Ocdtrauma70 Jun 2023
Thank you. My stepmom moved on from her son very quickly. She chose my dad and tried very little with her son but sent him to his Grandma's to save her new marriage to my dad. My sister didn't talk to my mom for 20 years. She was on drugs and my mom didn't want anything to do with her. Now my mom is calling her and she occasionally feels it is so sad. She even offered for my mom to live in one her inexpensive houses in St. Louis, I would pay rent, mom declined. Mom wants to live in her house.
I don't believe in filial piety to this extent. I've done all I can do. The issue is that I can't decide it's over. She has said if we cut ties, she will show up and we can kill her directly. I have blocked her voicemails (have not answered one). However, they still show up in blocked. I didn't listen, but once I did, it gets in my head. She keeps trying because she "has no other choice" and I'm the only one so it's her only option. She doesn't want to hurt me but she's dying, can't stand the isolation (literally, crying/screaming/begging).
I am not afraid of losing my mom if I let go. I'm afraid that this won't end. I don't think people understand that she won't let me let her go. I haven't talked to her in almost a year.
I spoke to the lawyer and we found the harassment code. I can file a letter, but she is not likely to follow it.
I have a sense of humanity that I don't want her on the street, but I don't want her in my life.
The manipulation gets hard to handle, but I don't think it is all manipulation. I know she is completely miserable and panicking every day. She was able to get on a plane to Boca somehow as she has been staying at that hotel for a decade. I guess she could do that one thing.
She won't accept a house.
I have always been the only one until this Rabbi from St. Louis, but I have been trying to give up that role. Is it really okay to let a human being suffer like that? She has put enough ideas in my head that I am the only one who can save her. In a vacuum it doesn't seem like a big ask to visit your mother or have her visit you. The issue is that it won't be the end and won't solve anything.
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Well, now it's been a year. I haven't spoken to her but have maintained some contact as even if I don't contact her, the daily emails and voicemails are still coming. She left St. Louis and is now in a hotel in Florida. The hotel manager is calling me because she doesn't know what to do. Everyone calls ME. Things have gotten worse (if that was possible) and now I've gotten daily voicemails for 30 days (2x a day) that are bawling, whaling, crying, begging for me to rescue her from prison. I held the boundaries and would not see her but once in a while I listen to the VMs that cry out to me as her daughter, the one she needs, the only one who can support her survival and she doesn't want to die. I finally called the police last week, but she was fine with them. I don't think the voicemails are fake. I know she is in pure hell and anxious because she has never been able to know where to live. Now, I'm thinking about this day and night, but so is my husband. It's really heart-wrenching to listen to her "I'm in prison, save me, I don't want to hurt you, I never wanted to hurt you, but I want to live and I need to see someone because I can't stand this isolation...please...please...don't let me die." On the other hand, when my husband talks to her, she won't call a doctor. She is 100% convinced that I am the solution, which she has stated. And as such, she has no other choice but to keep calling me until I understand. We don't think seeing her will help because then once she has the love and care she is seeking, then she won't want to live anywhere alone. In other insane emails, she blames us for not having bought her a condo in Tel Aviv years ago (putting aside the absurdity that we owed her a condo in the most expensive city, she wasn't even willing to talk about settling down anywhere). But she believes what she believes and she is truly miserable. I'm talking to a counselor who is giving me tools, but there is the tiniest doubt. There is also the "if you cut me off, I'll come to san Francisco and you can just kill me there." I do believe she is sick, and I do believe she doesn't mean to hurt me. She has always just focused on her survival and happiness and well, I have a husband and son, which she reminds me of that and her terrible misfortunes. My stepmom let her son go, but that resulted in his death and her ability to enjoy her life. I'm not sure that is the best example. The hard route with boundaries didn't work. We've still been offering her a house if she will pick a place to live, but she can't, won't, who knows. I feel it is cruel of me to let her suffer, but I don't see any way I can help her. My husband feels zero empathy at this point. He says it's wrong.
"out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field, I'll meet you there" - Rumi
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LoopyLoo Jun 2023
Don’t talk to her. Don’t even think of going to see her. She’s mentally ill and you can’t help her with that. She is trying to manipulate you with her “I’m going to die if you don’t help!” and you know it. Honestly, I’d block her number.
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Do you realize that at least some of the time you are acting like your mother with this insane anxiety about her? Yes, she is the instigator, but you don't have to go along with it. It's like an addiction. She has problem after problem, so you have to solve them? No you don't. Nothing is wrong with helping someone, but when you help someone you should expect that they use that help to make things better for themselves. She has no place to live, so you offer to buy her a house and she turns it down? Think about that. There is no way you will ever make her well, so make yourself well instead. I had that sort of relationship with my niece for a short period of time, saw how toxic it was and have no more contact with her. She either found others to enter into craziness with her or she took responsibility for her own actions. I do not know. You can stop and you don't need to know what happens to your mom. Easier with niece than mother, but it still fits, I think. I care about my niece, as you care about your mom, but are not actually helping her. If she shows up on your doorstep do not answer the door. Call the police if you have to. She is harassing you. You have the right to be left alone.
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ventingisback May 2023
"but you don't have to go along with it. It's like an addiction."

In fact, OP has OCD, which means obsessive thinking. I think OP isn't able to stop herself from obsessing over her Mom.

"There is no way you will ever make her well, so make yourself well instead."

Great advice!
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OCD,

I seem to remember that you privately messaged me saying that while your father was dying, your mother was torturing you.

If this happened, why are you still giving your mother the time of day? Please grieve for the loss of your father, concentrate on your own family, your husband and son and cease all contact with your mom.

You know that she is mentally ill, so why on earth do you think that you will ever be able to reason with her or that it’s worth your time to communicate with her?
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BurntCaregiver May 2023
@Need

Look at some of the OP's past posts. According to the OP her mother has all kinds of connections and is very powerful and dangerous.
She lives in fear of her mother that she'll harm her and her family.
The OP claims that she couldn't go to the police and request a restraining order because her mother also controls the police department too.

Yet, she also claims that her mother cannot afford to live on her own and she has to support her.

How does this make sense?
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Ocdtrauma, you have taken a step or two back, yes? Withdrawing from reading emails or taking calls? Well done.

While your DH being the gate-keeper is admirable, I see it as a short term solution. I can't even imagine the pressure - on both of you.

Longer term, what do you want? To help her? To be free? You don't have to disclose to a forum, but try to identify for yourself.

Do you want to take the wheel, gain control & park Mom securely in care? Keep on the same path, Mom always pushing, you always resisting. Or let go? Let Mom steer solo.

Once you fully commit to a choice, it should become easier to move forward, looking ahead.
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BurntCaregiver May 2023
@Beatty

Ocdtrauma feeds into the drama with her mother because she likes it.
What we have here is a professional victim and martyr.
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Nothing changes if nothing changes and clearly nothing has changed.

You would be lucky if your mother really was dying because that is the only way you will be set free from her.

But you and I both know this miserable, whining shrew of a woman; who has been given more from you than she deserves is not dying anytime soon.
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Your post just broke my heart.

To have someone in your life who wants to BE your life--that's messed up and you know that.

I hope you are dealing with a therapist and also, if necessary, taking meds to help you with your OCD.

My MIL is doing this same thing to her kids, now she's in Hospice. She screams at them night and day and nothing is good enough for her. She continually slams their father, whom she divorced 30+ years ago. This does not buy favors from them--as he was a good father and never spoke a word against her--and certainly could have.

Your mom is going to be miserable and blame you forever. She has no impetus to change, and so, won't.

So you have to.

My MIL and I got 'divorced' almost 3 years ago. I have not seen nor spoken to her in that time. I do not regret doing that b/c she was killing me, emotionally. While it mad DH very unhappy with me, I had to do this to get her out of my head, and the ONLY way was to go no-contact.

This is probably what you will have to do with your mother.

How good of you to still feel like you should open your arms to this 'shell' of a person. You must be very empathetic--as I am. It is a trait that brings great joy & great pain. But it must be managed.

{{Hugs}}
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You really do have to break off all communication with this woman. And that is really all she is...a woman with mental problems. She was never a mother. Your problem is you still feel guilt. Why? Its not up to you to keep her in the lifestyle she is accustomed to. Block her from your email and phone. If you know where she is, call APS and tell them there is a mentally ill woman living at the hotel. Tell them you are her bio daughter that she did not raise. You have been advised to cut off all communication with her because of your physical and mental health. But in good conscience, you need to make sure she is taking advantage of the resources where she is now living.
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Now we are almost at a year since this insanity (40 years since the original insanity that ebbed and flowed). My husband has taken over monitoring emails and calling occasionally to monitor. However, can’t block everything. She creates alias emails and comes at me every day from various sources. She won’t have a phonecall just like during Covid. She only wants what she wants (us to come get her and take care of her and meet all of her needs). she is now in a hotel in Florida claiming death is near every day. We only ask her to be willing to have a conversation. Only 20 times of “Come get me NOW! I’m going to die today!” My birthday was tough but used to it. I have spoken to a counselor, a lawyer, the police. There is no answer but we are staying the course. It does interfere with everyday life and I’m sure affects me so much deeper as it is with me many hours of the day.
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Way2tired May 2023
Your husband is calling who ? Your mother ? Stop calling her. If she is coming at you through various sources , ignore it. Don’t call and communicate. She will not stop if you communicate at all. She needs to find her own way , or fail . The only 2 phone calls you should make is one to social services (or the police for a wellness check ) near where she is to report a vulnerable person with psychiatric problem . Then let social services figure it out . And the other call is for a restraining order . Stop sending money , stop paying for her hotels etc . Cut off the credit cards. Go to an attorney as well , see what else may need to be done .
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Why on earth ???
You do not have to support this selfish mother of yours .
She is manipulating you .
Run away from this situation .
Go get help for yourself .
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I can't help you. I can't help myself. Amen to all you said though.
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You mom definitely has mental health issues but you must recognize that you cannot reason with crazy, you will end up crazy yourself. When your mother was young, she had no problem abandoning you and her husband to "travel the world'. What kind of mother does that? Someone who is extremely self centered and who puts her desires above everyone else's. It sounds like what she's still doing. Now that she is getting older, she suddenly wants to be treated as the treasured grandmother and coddled.

She doesnt have family relationships because she did not invest her time and energy in those relationships, it doesnt even sound like she has friends. Have you tried telling her the impact all of this is having on you and if she truly cared for you, then she would back off? Her actions would be very revealing.
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Beatty Mar 2023
I think I remember reading the OP has said that (or similar).

Gets a "My pain is worse than your pain" kind of response.

Consumed by her own pain & needs for so long - unable to have much (or any) empathy for others.

I'm not saying her pain & suffering is not real to her. I'm sure it is.

What's cray-cray is both the Mother & daughter seem to have some sort of locked thinking that the daughter must save her.
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OCD,

Not to be rude or offensive but…

If you heard your story from another person, wouldn’t you think that they were crazy?

Just about everyone on your thread has questioned your reactions to your mother.

Doesn’t this make you question yourself? Is it possible that all of us are wrong for questioning your beliefs? Or are you the one who is completely delusional?

Do you realize how badly this is confusing your child? We can’t hide everything from our children. They see more than we think they do.

Overall my daughters had a loving grandmother/granddaughter relationship, but I know that my daughters picked up on some of the stress. I regret they saw certain things.

You know, it’s okay if children know that problems exists in their families. Issues can be addressed at age appropriate levels and preferably with guidance from a therapist.

It’s important for children to know that families are trying to resolve their issues. It’s not okay for them to consistently see ongoing conflict.

I hope that some of our posters who witnessed extreme negative relationships between their parents and grandparents will tell you how disturbing it was for them to see. I am sure that you love your son deeply but you are blind as to how much this is affecting him.

The same thing applies for spouses. Something clicked with me when my therapist and husband said to me, “Your mother is upset when she gets her way and she is upset when she doesn’t get her way. So, why are you still trying to please her?”

Sometimes, there is no pleasing someone! Sometimes, we are extremely different from our mothers and it causes enormous conflict in our lives. Sometimes, our moms are developing dementia and we fail to see it. Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera…

Please try to listen with an open mind. We can always learn something new.
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"I am her only source of survival".
Ocd, is that what your Mother said?
Or what you believe?
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2023
Great point! Her mother sounds like the energizer bunny to me!

Mom hasn’t slowed down yet!
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OCD, you think your mom is STALKING you???

What harm can she do to you? Is she physically powerful? Have access to guns?

Cut off ALL communication and stop sending her money.

Hire a lawyer to send her a cease and desist letter.

Change your email address and phone number.

If she shows up, you call 911.

If you are serious about getting over your addiction to your mother's drama, use the money you've been sending to her to find yourself the very best psychiatrist in SF. Be guided by her/his recommendations for medication and therapy.

Why do you BELIEVE the crap your mother writes? What evidence do you have, other than her lies and delusions, that she is dying, in a dump or suffering in any way?

You are being played.
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Ocd,


In response to your response just now, just STOP! Run to a therapist and take your husband with you!

You keep repeating that therapy will not help. Please tell us the last time that you were in therapy.

You told us a long time ago that you were being treated for your OCD. Have you been diagnosed with any other disorders?

I’m not a psychiatrist but I believe anyone can see that you have severe anxiety issues.

Do you think that you would benefit from taking medication for your anxiety?

You aren’t ever able to turn off your anxiety! Doesn’t that concern you?

Does your son witness this behavior? He is learning from your example.

Your husband must be exhausted from dealing with this situation. Please change this behavior for all of you.

Your mother is mentally ill! You have no control over her situation. You need therapy just as much as she does. Maybe more.

Find a therapist who will tell you how damaging ‘Chinese filial piety’ is to you and your family. Start your own belief system. One that isn’t ‘cult’ like.

Your mom has been like a crazy cult leader since you were a child. It’s time for you to become deprogrammed. Yes, you do need therapy! Sadly, your whole family needs therapy.

Are you going to dump this ‘Chinese filial piety’ stuff onto your child when you get old?

You deserve to be happy! You have suffered enough! Let go of this. Go see a psychiatrist to get some Ativan or another medication so you can calm down and not be riddled with anxiety.
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Ocd's update from today:

"I stopped reading and she broke through on Skype. “I need you to survive!!! Please help me!!! I’m so scared.” My sister and stepmom offered to help. She has 140k in the bank. She won’t let up. 13 emails a day on the one my husband checks. I live in fear each day of her showing up. I want to help, which is also sick. We waNt to fund but cut ties. She is Ill."

Yes, she is ill. But if she can figure out how to Skype, she is far from helpless. Have YOU sought therapy yes to learn how to cope with your fear?.
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Ocdtrauma70 Feb 2023
Thank you. Trying not to feel guilty after today's breakthrough message "I hope you are never left alone to die." If you have a stalker, no amount of therapy is going to get your comfortable that you are at risk. I also need to stop feeling guilty. It's not my fault and it is wrong to put this on me my whole life! I have put in the request for the therapist of insurance is taking time to process the request.
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Real world consequences should be allowed to happen.

So Mom is asked to leave her current place/home/hotel. If she does not, what happens? Police/County arrive to evict?
Would they point her towards crises accommodation? Maybe with social services to help secure her next bed?

If she appeared very mentally unwell, suicide threats, she may find herself referred to a mental health service.

I would let that happen.
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Ocdtrauma70 Feb 2023
She would hardly take crisis accommodation. She was staying in a $4500/month luxury place in St. Louis (don't know if she paid for it or not). She has been seeing a counselor, but she has this mantra "I need family...I need family. I can't do anything. I can't. I can't have a conversation. I can't be alone. I can't work one hour." I am her only source of survival. No pressure there. And I owe her this because??? She didn't leave me on the street after I was born. Arghhh....Today is my vent day. Trying not to post here too much. But checking in when things get bad.
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OCD,

STOP READING HER EMAILS! She is mentally unstable. You cannot, nor will you ever be able to reason with her.

Please go to therapy. You are your own worst enemy. She has it made in the shade. Stop worrying about her and focus on yourself. How are you running a business when you are constantly consumed with your mom?

You, your husband and child deserve so much better than the miserable life that you are living. Put an end to it, once and for all.

Your last post says that it has been a year that she has been doing this and that she claims that she will die. It hasn’t killed her yet!

She is bluffing. She will not harm herself because she is going in for the kill. When has she ever carried out any threats? Or been in any real danger?

She is pampered to no end. She’s fine! You are the one who is suffering. Not her.
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Ocdtrauma70 Feb 2023
I stopped reading and she broke through on Skype. “I need you to survive!!! Please help me!!! I’m so scared.” My sister and stepmom offered to help. She has 140k in the bank. She won’t let up. 13 emails a day on the one my husband checks. I live in fear each day of her showing up. I want to help, which is also sick. We waNt to fund but cut ties. She is Ill.
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My heart goes out to you. Reading your words, I could just FEEL the desperation and enormity of all the emotions of her manipulation and guilt-tripping and what it has done to you through the years. I have a similar type of mother who just turned 77 and literally, I empathize with you. I will say this much... as much as you can possibly try to avoid it, please do everything in your power to exhaust resources and find her a home/place of her own. And frankly, she seems to be in a much better place than most her age considering there's that type of money available to live in hotels indefinitely. She should take that money and find her own place, period and be done with it.

My mother is living with us (until summer) and requested to come out of the blue for the first time E.V.E.R. (with her not being medically sick). It's been... ROUGH! My mother is extremely jealous of my relationship with my children and yelled out last week (again), "You're mine, all mine", with a gloating sense of possession like it was some kind of compliment. When my kids go for the weekend to see their dad, she mentions about how nice everything is and when they are here 95% of the time, she's frowning and rolling her eyes at the affection and attention we give each other.

Your mother seems the type that wants to possess your every thought and will likely drive you insane with the incessant requests and need for attention to be on HER and your poor husband and son will suffer b/c you, like me, seem to be the type to feel guilty when you don't cave into her whiny demands and need for attention. Unfortunately, this is trauma-induced as it was something ingrained in me when I was a child of violent/alcoholic parents and she looked to me do everything and the roles were reversed with responsibilities and emotional dumping. Once I left for college at 18, I got the help I needed to slowly detox those dysfunctions, but nothing has changed with her... It sounds as though, while the personal situation may be different, there was a lot of emotional dumping and guilt-tripping with you, and this is where your guilt is coming from.

My mother staying here has been a vortexed roller coaster of emotions I am starting to despise. I am, however, THANKFUL for this opportunity because it solidified the fact that I will NOT be able to live with her and vice versa. Do not move your mother in your home.

Again, whatever you do... please don't let her move in. It would be more advantageous for her to get a studio or something in an adult home than to ever move into your home. Your mother needs help...you as well. But you can't heal in the same environment or around the same people who broke you.

I would rather feel a tad bit of guilt about her being alone than to become responsible for her every ebb and flows of emotions and requests. I simply can't and it doesn't sound like your spirit is able to do this either. Put your foot down and say you will NOT be living with us, at a bare minimum.
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Ocdtrauma70 Jan 2023
Thanks. Yes, same roles reversed model. I'm sorry for your experience. I would NEVER let my mother stay here. My saintly husband now has gotten to the point where he doesn't want to look at her either (and he is kind, gentle type that can appease anyone). I can't stand the thought of being in the same room with her or even looking at her on skype!

I have done everything in my power to get her a place for decades. I can't get her to have a conversation about planning. My sister (who was also estranged) is now offering to help to help me (who would have thought). But...my mother won't live in St. Louis (she is dying there and needs to escape like always). My stepmother (who she ridiculed) is offering to help her get setup in Phoenix (we buy the house). She won't do ANYTHING but send everyone miserable emails each day. At least I'm not the only target, although I am her obsession. I am her only chance to live. After my sister finally came back into her life, she doesn't want that because it is St. Louis and she prefers San Francisco. She doesn't like the bar scene. My husband and I have more money and are more stable and again, SF over Saint Louis. I don't stop either though. I want to keep making sure that she hears us when we offer to start with a phonecall. But, she won't pick up the phone. For some strange reason, she can't pick a place to live. She entertained the idea of a home base that we could buy her and then also let her travel (paying for both). I've read that narcissists can hear you, but they don't take no. We've said no 100 times. However, the place in St. Louis where she has overstayed her welcome is finally telling her to leave on 2/28. She cries eviction, but she was only supposed to stay a month. She cries eviction although she has called the luxury place a prison. She's simply not leaving but they will call the police if she is not gone by 2/28. She will not find an apartment. She will not have a conversation. Withholding funds does nothing to change her behavior. Yes, throwing in the towel (although I know I'll try again). I'm holding my ground. It takes time to find a therapist. Good news is my back pain is gone thanks to a John Sardo video. She was the reason I couldn't sit for 6 months. As soon as I realized it, my pain evaporated.
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I am struck by the line in your posting describing your situation, “She will email me until I break.”

The question that you need to ask yourself is, ‘Do you want to break?’ What good are you to yourself or anyone else if you break?’

It’s completely apparent that your mother is severely mentally ill. What purpose are you serving by allowing this abuse to continue? Hasn’t she harassed you enough?
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"The difference is that my life is 80% awesome outside of her 20 percent pain and ocd. She truly has nothing. Of course my mindset is also better that I am happy with just seeing my son smile. My husband also wants for nothing."

Why is your mother's happiness something that YOU need to provide?

Your mother wasn't happy just to see YOU smile all those years ago. Why do you think that ANYTHING you give her--money, houses, hugs--is going to fell the hole in her center?

Your mother's unhappiness and emptiness is existential and not able to be remediated by you or any other mere mortal.

Please, throw in the towel and find yourself a therapist.
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