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I also have chronic illnesses - fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue disease. So fatigue is my middle name. I am also an insomniac, so there’s that.

Even with that, I do not sleep 12 or 16 hours a day, or stay on the couch. Yes, I have a limited amount of energy, just like your wife. So I might do some laundry, shower, and make a grocery run - but then I’m done until I’ve taken a nap. But then I can fix supper.

So, I think it may be depression and alcohol holding her down, not fibromyalgia and lupus. Those certainly limit her activities, but they don’t wipe them out altogether.

She needs a doctor appointment, and you need to be there with her, to make sure she tells the doctor the whole story. She needs an antidepressant or two and AA. Then her life will be a different story.

If she is willing to do those two things for you, your marriage may have a chance. I wish you all the best, you certainly deserve good things.

P.S. FIL has got to go!
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People who missed the cues, refuse to make their presence a fair exchange, are individuals that like to wear out their welcome with no sign of concern or willingness to help, are unwanted stress. Sadly, daughter and father are satisfied with the present state of affairs. Time for a change, zero apologies needed.
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Dear TLF,
What a hideous dilemma.
Years ago, I dated a man who was leaving a 25 year marriage that produced 4 children. The divorce nearly cost him his sanity and drained him of an enormous amount of wealth, but he left because his wife had CHECKED OUT! (Severe narcotic and alcohol dependency)
In the end, her enraged diatribes and the money he lost were a small payment for the INCREDIBLE increase in emotional well-being that he gained as a result of stepping away from a dead marriage.
This is such a multifaceted situation.
A: Your wife has chosen her father and her alcohol over you. SHE abandoned the marriage!!
B: Your FIL has NO CONCERN for your financial or emotional well being. Why is your wife refusing to let him contribute financially? Again, she isn’t for YOU here.
C: I agree with the other posters that this is a deeply complicated and codependent relationship all the way around. Melody Beatty has some excellent books that relate to codependency. As a chronic caregiver, I’m well aware of the difficulties in setting boundaries. However, NOT doing so will cost you spiritually, emotionally and physically. Have you asked yourself why you don’t value your needs more? If you download the Calm App, the mediation for today (3/28) is about caregivers and how to self-sustain.
You entered into a relationship with a chronically ill woman, yet not knowing what the grind of being a caregiver might cost you after 25 years. As others have said, her choice to self-medicate and hide ARE choices.
She’s using guilt right and left, so because of her manipulative way of engaging with you, I don’t predict that you’ll be able to find a cohesive path together.
My amateur diagnosis is that she, too, suffers from codependency and cannot bear the idea of kicking her father out, owing to her sense of loyalty and guilt.
Until she sees that her decision to house her father is going to end her marriage, she may not be amply motivated to insist on change.
Perhaps there are halfway compromises such as insisting that your FIL leave the house on weekends or that he give you dedicated family time to yourselves.
Maybe he’ll find connections out of the home that will give him the courage to find a better life for himself.
I feel for you and hope you take solace in these words from strangers. You sound like a wonderful person.
Best of luck!
“When you say yes to others, make sure you are not saying no to yourself.” Paulo Cohello
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Dear tf, I think it’s time to look at some hard facts. First and perhaps most important, your wife is an alcoholic. One full bottle of wine a night is a binge drinker every night, two bottles is clearly an alcoholic. It doesn’t matter why or what justifications get raised, that’s the fact.

And there are consequences. Whatever your wife’s health problems, alcohol is making them worse. It’s a cause of her dreadful sleep pattern. It’s a reason why she wants nothing to change. It’s part of her being unreasonable.

Hard fact number two is that her father is a user. He doesn’t contribute to the household, either in work or financially. He is using a future ‘inheritance’ as a carrot, and many many people can tell you that it rarely works out well. Either it will be spent eventually on medical care, or it will be split in the family in a way that doesn’t benefit you and your wife, or he will develop nice little habits like gambling or a grasping ‘girlfriend’. He is quite young and fit enough for that outcome. He will keep using you while you let it happen. Is he helping to provide the alcohol to your wife?

Hard fact number three is that you are finding other things much more rewarding than being at home. All your voluntary work may be good in itself, but it is currently being the best alternative to an impossible home. It’s a danger to your marriage. All you need to do is meet someone better, and you are quite likely to be out of there.

Hard fact number four: you are paying for all this. Without your money, it falls in a heap. YOU are the one propping it all up.

Yes, your marriage may be able to be salvaged, but it will be hard. It will only happen if you force your FIL out of the house and stop the booze to your wife. Contact AA for advice. Then give FIL a deadline for leaving. If you do this now, things will be very rocky but may eventually improve. If you don’t, then you will live ‘on the rocks’ until it falls apart anyway.

Yes, I do have a lot of sympathy for your horrible situation, and I can imagine how hard it will be to change anything. You need support, and more personal support than you can get on this site. Call AA, find a counsellor. And if you are a believer, pray a lot.
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I think your biggest problem is having an ill alcoholic wife. Honestly easiest route might be to pack a few things and let them sort it out. They’re going to need a lot of help so maybe FIL can help out, since you said he’s capable. Find a place where you can continue to support your kids. It’s all going to crash and burn eventually anyway, you may as well be proactive in doing what’s best for you.
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I have similar problems with relatives who suck the life out of me-parents, others I do not need to go into the whole mess. Similar feeling of duty and responsibility to be a good daughter etc-no matter what. I reduced my involvement and the chaos at my parents continues. I was not really making a real difference in the first place-chaos is what they have and must be what they want or they would do something different.

My sister in NH with dementia-she is needy but I don't mind at all she can't help it. Others could change if they wanted or no one would give in to their demands. I had wanted to bring sis here to my house when last community was neglectful and we did not find a new acceptable place 6 months of looking.

Spouse was not in favor but was agreeable in the need to get sis out of awful place. At the last second we got a call-saved my sanity and my family from who knows what as sis continues to decline. I want to give my all to her-she is lost and confused in her new surroundings-due to corona I can't go see her.

Now that my current family unit is work from home due to corona-there is a lot of together time with them which is nice for a change. After doing all the big housekeeping stuff I have not done for 6 months since my sister came to live in my area-at my suggestion due to her problems. My house is clean, orderly and calm. I now have time for self.-I had forgotten what that felt like-happy. I feel like the old me again.

I agree with other posters you have to make time for yourself you have been the one keeping the ship afloat- take a break from the others who are causing you grief-see how they manage on their own. Get counseling and support for yourself might be helpful. Maybe after a few months others will be ready to discuss possible real solutions.
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Tbh, the alcohol that your wife consumes is consuming your relationship. Speak to her about it and tell her that she needs to go to a support group, so that she can rid herself of her crutch - the bottle of alcohol.

Here is one - Reformers Unanimous. ReformU.com. (You will have to type it into your browser window.)
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Who buys her the alcohol? No job, no money ..... put your foot down or pack your bags and walk away. You need professional help... I hope you find it soon... good luck
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I sincerely hope you are able to find a solution to this situation. You deserve peace and happiness. So does your wife.

Your father in law has interfered in your lives. It would most likely be best if he lived elsewhere.

A temporary situation is different than a long term existence. I dealt with this too. Multi generational living is difficult to endure.

Excessive drinking is an issue that is damaging to relationships. Your wife has to do this for herself first.

A good therapist will tell their patient that they must do things for themselves.

Anything done just to please a spouse or anyone else and their heart is not in it won’t last. Yes, we should want to please others but we have to want change for ourselves first.

If she is not seeking this change, don’t bother to waste your time and effort. One old cliche is true, “You can lead a horse to water but can’t make them drink it.”

Having said that, I am sure that you are aware that an alcoholic cannot and should not quit cold turkey. They are at risk of having grand mall seizures stopping abruptly.

They have to detox with professional help. She needs rehab. I know a woman who flatlined due to excessive drinking issues.

Thank God, they were able to revive her. She has two beautiful children and that was her wake up call. She has been sober for many years now.

Rehab, my friend. That is what helped her. It is the only proper way for your wife to stop drinking. If she wants the help, there are plenty of programs available.

Your wife’s daughter doesn’t need to interfere in your life. She clearly overstepped her boundaries.

Best wishes to you and your family. Vent anytime. Take care. We are in a crisis with this virus and you have your own crisis on your hands as well. You will figure it out. You are searching for answers. You will find them.
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Tlf208, I would suggest alanon for you because you can’t change your wife. She will drink to oblivion if that’s what she wants to do. However, I live in Upstate New York and in my county NO SOCIAL GATHERING OF ANY KIND or be prepared to pay a fine or jail till further notice. If you live where I live, you may not even be able to go to an alanon meeting. I also wouldn’t even try to find another place right now with the corona virus. Where would he go in the midst of all this corona virus?? Wait till the ban is over and go to an alonon meeting and then perhaps you can find another place for your father n law. Or perhaps when you go to an alanon meeting it will be YOU that takes care of yourself and moves out.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2020
Great suggestion. I meant to suggest Al Anon too. Thanks for making this point!

Are there online Al Anon programs now? I bet there are.

Yeah, this virus is stalling everything for the time being. The focus is on healing and prevention which is top priority!
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I think its so unkind to tell someone to leave a situation that was not something that you are the cause of and that you have an ailing wife who is not well. Love bears all things, hope all things and forever love those whom they are a partner with come rain or shine.

Where I would start is to get Dad another place to go. If he recieves any benefits find that out, if he is retired military find that out, if he is medicaid approved find that out, if there is homes or facilities that would house such a individual find that out ASAP. If he recieves Medicare find out what he has available to him. Go to usa.benefits.gov THERE is benefits that may apply to both you and your spouse as well as yourself. Find out what the daughter can reasonably do. No one I think is there to run you crazy it just called depending heavily on one individual. Also get help for yourself like talking with a counselor, a Bible instructor who can spend time with you sharing what positive information it can help you with in solving problems. Also look for local agencies that can help you with your cituation. Find your father a social worker who can provide all the resources available.

Have a blessed day and be safe
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No, Carol, it is not unkind. All we can do on this site is to suggest options. The OP is in charge of deciding which suggestions to follow. This poor guy is tolerating a dreadful situation, and the only winner is FIL who deserves very little sympathy. Wife is ruining her health, and the whole situation is ruining the marriage. Kindness, understanding, prayer and persuasion are likely to achieve absolutely nothing. An option that might change things is to walk out, hopefully temporarily. It isn’t unkind to suggest that OP either threatens it or considers actually doing it.
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Margaret sums it up nicely.
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