My mum originally sold her flat and went to live with my sister to support my sister. My mum is now 97 with Alzheimer’s and declining mobility. Due to me insisting with my sister, she now has caregivers in four times a day.
My mum and sister have a unique relationship in that they have never brought out the best in each other but insist on being with each other. So when they both arranged for my sister to be next of kin, executor and now POA, to be fair, we all let them get on with it. My other sister and I did explain to them that they could and should have more than one POA, executor, etc., but to no avail.
My sister shouts at my mum all the time, she hates caring and the house is extremely unclean, cluttered and my mum just wants to die. It is not ideal.
My sister has had issues mentally for a while caused by medical issues, but because our mum agreed to all this originally, we left them to it. We are all, as a family aware that she probably uses and needs my mum’s limited money to live on. My mum gets a good pension so should not be using what little savings is left, but we suspect the funds are dwindling and that our sister is spending it. I have been concerned that when this runs out that my sister might get herself into financial trouble. This is a recurring theme.
She has recently passed out due to low blood pressure maybe caused by stress. She has had 3 aneurysms in her head so she was lucky when she fell that she did not cause another. My sister’s son feels this situation cannot go on. He is aware of the situation fully and wants my mum in a home ASAP and feels that yes, she will protest because of the money side but that the benefits of having her home to herself without the stress of our mum there, her quality of life will improve. My sister does not want that. I live in France, my other sister has mental issues.
I am coming over from France and need to talk to my sister. I will begin by discussing joint POA and executor etc. so that the responsibility is shared. I also need social services aware of the situation. Both sisters are really now both vulnerable adults. I cannot allow my mum to be bullied any further.
I cannot help care as I live in France. I did have my mum for 2 weeks holiday to help, but our house is not suitable. My nephew will deal with his mum, he just needs me to help with my mum.
I have spoken briefly with my solicitor in the UK re organizing joint responsibility. I suspect that due to my sisters health, the state of her house etc., that even if my sister protests I will be able to get joint POA, executor etc.
However, it is the issue of putting my mum into nursing care. She does not have enough funds so it would need to be funded by the state. The alternative is leaving things how they are but it is causing them both stress.
Any advice would be greatly received. This is not an easy situation?
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You use the word "mum". Does that mean that your mum lives in the UK? I am personally unfamiliar with laws there.
However, I can tell you that in the USA no one can become POA and Executor unless appointed BY THE PRINCIPAL (in this case, your mum). Moreover, no principal suffering from dementia can make such changes. Thus it is too late.
I think that's a lucky thing in all truth. If there is one thing more difficult that managing POA than not being in the same area, then that thing is attempting management with a co-POA who is not cooperative in every way. That's my definition of the 10th circle of Hades.
You mother has no funds. It matters nothing whatsoever who is the executor of a will with non-existent assets.
As to management now, this was the choice of a mum and daughter who have always been together and always been in a bicker.
I think you should stay in France and leave it be. If you have serious concerns have APS or your equivalent come in to assess. They can perhaps get you temporary guardianship, but do know that would be the 11th circle in Hades because you cannot get out of it once you have it and it's impossible with a non cooperative mum and her daughter.
I recommend you leave this be and step away. Your mother is receiving care from her chosen daughter with whom she has a relationship that honestly isn't up to you. There is little to be done about this choice now that the water has all flooded under the bridge. We all die, and mum will eventually do that, luckily in her own home with the child she chose.
Your choices are what?
1. Take over. This will nost likely need a legal Guardianship through the courts. But they live UK? You live in France?
2. Keep on.. await the crises. Which will be SOON by the sounds of it. Then you swoop in & take over.
2. Keep out. Let natural consequences deal with them all.
See if your sisters have you listed in their phones in their contacts as an ICE (In Case of Emergency) or easily found in their contacts under Family or Sister etc.
PS I am legally qualified as a solicitor in the UK (though I now live in Australia) and I DO know what I am talking about, even if I am not charging!
Your ‘brief’ conversation with a UK solicitor must have been about completely different ways to get either sole or ‘joint responsibility’ – probably a guardianship application, and probably not ‘joint’. Before you visit, it’s important to get some more legal advice, so that you don’t argue about options that will NOT be possible. Currently you are barking up the wrong tree!
If my sister dies what then? My mum needs to be protected here.