Hello,
My elderly mother is in independent living, with (until yesterday) a CSA visiting once/week to help her with small things. My mother is cognitively clear most of the time, can dress herself, can get around on a walker. She is not yet at the point where she needs a higher care level.
However, she is so demanding and bullying (and always has been to some extent) that we've gone through seven or eight caregivers. The agencies we've worked with seem incapable of finding anyone who can deal with a cranky old person; they send young women who call me: "You're mom is upset with me today..."
My mother complains about being lonely even though I call her 2-3 a week, her housekeeper (who is a family friend) visits her once/week to clean her room even though the asst living provider has a housekeeper, and, until yesterday, a caregiver who took her to get her hair done etc. even though the provider has transportation AND a hair stylist. My mother can make it over to the dining room, but she complains about the food and has her housekeeper bring her fast food. The activities director reached out to her, but she refuses to participate in anything involving a group. She basically wants everything provided for her, including conversation that her fed-up and introverted son can't provide because he's sick of her constant complaints and demands.
I'm really sick of this. The whole idea of having her in the residential home was for them to look after her, but they have no volunteers available to speak with her and will charge us for anything else. Question: Should I simply refuse to hire any more caregivers, in effect forcing her to rely on the res home for food, transport, etc? Suggestions welcome. As you can tell, I'm quite burned out on all of this. Thanks.
Call the facility and tell them that you will answer THEIR calls in a true emergency but that you are going "no contact" with your mom so that she can adjust.
Do not tell mom; she'll just bully you more and wear you down.
So in all reality you my dear are enabling this demanding and bad behavior from your mother, and if you want it to stop then you're going to have to stop enabling her.
She'll adjust don't worry, or she'll just have to go hungry and be lonely. And that will be on her not you.
So please get off this crazy hamster wheel you've been on for far too long and start taking your life back, and accept that more than likely your mother will never be happy and that again is on her not you. Some people just like being miserable, but that doesn't mean that you have you be miserable along with her.
If Mom keeps going thru aides then stop hiring them. Tell her she will need to depend on the aides she is paying for thru the money she is paying for care.
Your Mom is just a miserable person. If she does not want to be involved with activities or make friends, thats on her. Not ur responsibility. Its up to us to be happy in our lives. Not to depend on others to make us happy. Life does not work that way. Mom has to except her circumstances and work from there. She may never be happy and thats on her not u.
I would sit her down and sit in front of her and tell her, she is a miserable person. Its up to her to make the best of the rest of her life. She needs to be nicer to those around her. But at this point, she is going to die a very lonely person.
2 or 3x a week is enough for visiting. She needs to get involved in what is available. Its all up to her.