Crystals9369 Asked December 2022
Response to a friend who claims she would never put her mom in a “home.” Any advice?
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My Daddy was 6'2" and there was no way I could care for him because I work 8 hours a day. Do not let anyone bully you into do things. I have a neighbor and as my Daddy was declining she told me of how her sister-in-law would not let her husband go into a home what-ever and I told her that's great I am glad she is able to take care of her husband. I also had a friend whos husband declined and she could not take care of him herself and could not afford to have him at home. She placed him in the closest AL and sat with him everyday for as long as she could then would go home rest, then back the next day. She did this up until the day he died which was about a year.
Blessings to you! You know in your heart what needs to be done let it and Let God! Hugs
Anyway, you should tell her that she should start doing her research now if or when that happens to her mom.
My mom is in a memory care facility. She’s had Alzheimer’s for a while and my dad took care of her until he had a stroke.
My sisters and I stepped in to take care of both of them w/ a caregiver. It was very stressful.
Unfortunately, my mom fell and fractured her hip. She got surgery and has been recovering in a skilled nursing facility ever since. We see her weekly and they are taking very good care of her.
You can only do so much . If you feel the AL is what she needs for her decline then check some out.
Don’t feel guilt, don’t let your jerky friend make you feel bad about this choice.
I can’t begin to tell you how many times I felt this way. Caregivers are taken for granted and desperately need a shoulder to cry on at times and have people show support for their decisions even if they are different from what others may have decided on.
I would rather someone not say anything at all than to make a passive aggressive statement or a ridiculous one. Honestly, I would prefer that someone tell me off instead of being patronizing or passive aggressive.
Even just a smile or a hug is comforting.
I had a neighbor who never asked me how I was holding up. Her first question to me was, “How is your mom doing?” At first I thought it was sweet, but I so yearned for someone to ask ME how I was doing.
She NEVER did ask me and it hurt. So, the next time she said, “How is your mom doing?” I said, “I am okay but very tired.” She asked again a little louder, How is your ‘MOM’ doing?”
I repeated, “Oh, I have been really tired lately.” She looked puzzled. She said even louder, “I asked you how is ‘YOUR MOTHER’ is doing?
Then I said, “I know perfectly well what you asked. Forgive me for being facetious but I was making a point that I wish you would ask me how I am doing sometimes. Obviously, you didn’t get my point.”
Maybe that was rather a sarcastic thing for me to do but she caught me on a bad day when I was truly exhausted. I wanted to scream at her saying that she knew that my mom was in her 90’s with Parkinson’s disease and dementia.
Didn’t she have any common sense to know that my mother was not going to improve?
These things really work on caregivers nerves who are stuck in a rut like I was.
I am so glad that the OP recognizes that she can place her mom. Good for her! Why wouldn’t she feel good about her mom receiving 24/7 care? One person can’t do the job of others doing three shifts.
And no one knows what they will do until confronted with the reality of a loved one’s needs. Even a person without a full time job and children—that would be me—can’t be a 24/7 caregiver. The single person actually has no backup, physically or emotionally. So be careful about “judging” what your friend might be able to do.
I agree that rlynn123’s response is perfect. And I am sorry that your friend, rather than giving you support during this difficult time, has been unhelpful. Just remember that getting your mom into a place where she is safe and cared for and may even make friends allows your time and energy with her to be spent in a positive way—enjoying her company as her daughter.
In my husband’s case, the anger at his mother’s bad behavior and her refusal to accept medical treatment and give up a dog that isn’t house trained are more than reasonable reasons not to have her in our home or near us. The stress of her presence or proximity is enough to send us both running for cover.
My MIL is very manipulative. She tried to convince me to let her move in. I told her that she had to give up her dog before she would be allowed even near us and that there would be rules to living here. Doctor visits, no shopping, no constant tv watching, must participate in adult day care. DH reiterated it. She was told this several times. When she took her time, we had our daughter move into the space she had her eye on. She was incensed & said it was promised to her. I said that the part she was supposed to do - get rid of her dog - did not occur and therefore no promises.
On the other hand, my Granny was the best, most agreeable woman and was with family to the end. She was social, enjoyed activities and friends, had a life with family. There wasn’t a focus on an animal over family members.
counts on him using pee pads in one of the bathrooms. When he stays with me he loves to go out to do his business and even when I walk him when I am visiting he acts like he is trying to squeeze every last drop out of his body while he has a chance.
It’s needing others to listen and understand that she is hurting from her friend’s remarks. People come here for empathy.
If you think about it, the remark can come off as passive aggressive, of course her friend is entitled to do as she wishes. She isn’t denying that.
Different people have different needs. Some people know when they need a break before they burnout. Others are able to struggle through it.
Exactly right. There comes a point where keeping a person at home is no longer in their best interests.
A good friend of mine is going through this right now. Her and her husband moved in with his mother and she's the 24/7 caregiver. If her MIL gets placed now the home will have to be sold and the Medicaid 'spend-down' is where the money from it will go. They don't want to lose the house which is understandable. The parents whent he father was living made no arrangements to protect their property from a Medicaid spend-down or from the greedy claws of a nursing home. Many seniors refuse to make arrangements to protect their assets because they see it as a type of insurance policy with their adult kids. That they will keep them out of a "home" if they want to inherit some day. Most people end up placing a person when the wandering, paranoia, and pants pooping starts. No asset is worth giving up your life for. It really isn't.
She was firmly on the side of "no nursing game, ever."
I was on the "facility care, as soon as possible" end of things.
We talked. The differences in our mothers' circumstances were stark and defined what was best.
Her mom had no funds. Lived in a wonderful rent subsidized high rise apartment in view of the Atlantic Ocean. With a balcony. Completely handicapped accessible.
My mom had substantial assets. Including an isolated suburban home on 3 levels.
Her mother was able to get 24/7 live-in aides through Medicaid. A doctor who came to the apartment. Eventually, Hospice services.
My mom went first to a nice IL, then after a stroke and broken hip, a NH . Where she lived pretty contentedly for 4.5 years.
My mom died at 94. Her mom died at nearly 102.
Neither one of us would have done this any differently.
Circumstances can dictate what is "best" and what one chooses.
Don't take it personally. Your friend has an opinion, but no experience. She only knows what she knows. Her choices in life have no bearing on yours.
Here's the thing about the overwhelming guilt people have about placing an elderly LO in managed care. More often than not it's a crutch that enables the caregiver to be a martyr. Believe me when I tell you, living as a martyr to caregiving will ruin your life and the lives of everyone you love. I'm speaking from experience here.
Get a job and move out. Then there's two choices for your mother.
Live-in homecare or a managed care facility.
Then there's unlimited choices for you. Guilt is not more powerful than self-preservation. Don't make the mistake so many people do and talk yourself into believing that it is. It's not.
Therapy can help you get through those feeling of guilt and doubt. It really can. I speak from experience with that too.
Good luck my friend and please seriously think about taking YOUR life back.
there are different ways to take care of our parents as they become older and need more care. Being a caregiver is a 36 hour day, seven days a week 365 days a year. Even when people bring in some help such as a private duty caregiver, most people can not afford a caregiver 24/7. So the question becomes when do I bring in extra help? How many days a week, How many hours. Without a plan or help the adult child caregiver is impacting their own lives and health as well.
You are doing the right thing, looking At communities for your Mom is allowing her independence, care as she needs it and socialization. It also allows you to be her daughter, not a 24/7 caregiver who may start to resent their parent.
your friend is truly not being realistic.
I fail to see how speaking in cliches is helpful either. There's no such thing as a 36 hour day and everything you're saying here is nothing new and people have heard it a thousand times over.
I don't know what wrong Terminology you're talking about when it comes to residential placement for a person. Why not call something what it is?
A nursing home.
An assisted living facility.
A board and care home.
A senior living community.
A memory care facility.
This is what these things are. Placing a person isn't the part people have a hard time living with. It's the pain and guilt that comes with the decision. Therapy can really help a person.
I was an in-home caregiver for 25 years and have seen more families than I can count struggle with the decision to place and elderly LO because of the crippling guilt they felt even thinking about it. They knew placement was the answer because their LO's needs could not be met at home anymore. Yet they were keeping them home at great risk to them and others because they felt guilty. They were coerced and guilted into making a promise that they would never put mom or dad in a "home".
I always told people in such a situation that sometimes a person has to renege on a promise when they know it's the right thing to do.
As for the guilt. Well, you have to learn to live with it.
What is your friend afraid of what would happen if not using professional facility care? Neglected personal care and companionship? Money? Mother's money pays for her care. Even down to Medicaid level. Forget about inheritance, because it is not her money until mother passes away, if anything if left over.
That's what assisted living and nursing homes are for: Your Mother's Safety. What would happen if your mother suffered fall injuries at home without help, her condition got beyond your level of care and the hospital will not allow her back home? What would your friend then say??
It might be best to move on to leave your friend who does not support your decision. Perhaps she may consult professional help.
Some people can be very judgy and 'holier than thou' in these situations. I think it's because they feel threatened or fearful in some way. It's about what's going on in their own heads - not about you at all.
One time I was buying mum a thick warm cardigan on a market stall. The stall holder kept saying, 'I could never put my mother in a home, never'. I felt a bit peeved, and I was thinking 'Yes, but would you actually be looking after her, or would that fall to your wife, sister, other female relative?' H'm.
your spouse is a whole lot different. Financial aspects can literally bankrupt you leaving the surviving spouse with nothing to live on.
It’d go like this…” Hahahahahahahahaha!…No. That’s not possible in my my case. “
If it warranted explanation I’d point out some of the many factual reasons why taking care of mom by myself, in my house, is literally impossible.
Some people are kind and have no idea on the reality. Some people have doubts on themselves and put down others’ lives to boost their own feelings. These situations have a way of sorting out who sits where. Some friends are good to keep close, others can be kept but at a farther distance. Sigh.
The disappointment never feels great though. Big hug to you…