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Ever now and then I question and cry whether the correct decision was made for my wife to go to Assistance in Living over three years ago now. If you loved the person who is not living with you now and had to get more help then it is no surprise that you could feel guilty. Leave it in HIS loving and tender care because HE careth for you. God knows your heart and mind so don't let anything deter you - HE will give you the grace and understanding you need during these challenging days ahead. Just another note: my wife and I lived together in a different apartment but three years ago she moved. Today she asked where I was living.
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Thank you Llamalover47!.... It's like with another relative of mine who needs to be taken care of, a huge mentally ill man, severely mentally ill. He is living in a group home now, he almost a senior citizen, getting food, shelter, and medical care. He has everything he wants, and I take him shopping for snacks, magazines, clothes, etc. And yet, there are people out there I know of, who are aghast at my 'lack of compassion' and that the poor thing is 'stuck away in a group home'.... Do they not realize there is NO ONE who can take him in and make his life all better? His mother took care of him for 40 years off and on, to what avail except to hasten her own death?... Do they not realize that, for example, I can't take care of him, 'make' him take his medications, bring him into my own home where there is no room for him, far away from his doctors and hospitals (he goes into a psychiatric hospital for weeks, every year), and I am a senior citizen myself? Yet I am seen as heartless by some! Amazing!....walk a mile in my shoes, beeyotches, if you had seen what I have done for him AND my demented mother for years and years, you would shut your pieholes!
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For those of you who have misgivings about placement or at least being on a waiting list for your LO's care. Right now -- sit down and confirm a list of who could step in and do what you are doing. CONFIRM it. If you don't have a backup plan then you need to have a facility as a backup plan, and believe me, you need to choose it ahead of time, you need to read their resident entry paperwork and know what needs to be filled out at a moment's notice. You could be gone in a flash and then what would happen. I had that moment of realization -- my parent's inability to manage on her own, and my own health concerns -- plus the concern that I could be killed instantly in a car accident doing the many trips that I had to take for her care (she refused to live in my town). It was coming to a crisis point -- it was only me to manage it all. So, if I couldn't? The state would take over to decide for placement in a facility. There would be little info presented ahead of time unless I did it. Realistically folks, the bureaucrats only look at a page or two of carefully prepared documents. They check for anything that would incite a lawsuit, and they look for funds. The "little details" you want them to know ---- likely not happening unless your LO is lucky to get a state-assigned caseworker who is not overloaded with work. When the state takes over, it's probably sudden and involves a caseworker and a lot of other strangers to take your LO to a facility w/ little warning. Is that the scenario you want played out??? It's never easy, but you need to be realistic. Please consider at least pre-admission at a facility you choose, or have a secondary Health-Care Proxy & POA established.
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It's never a easy decision. Worried spouse, I now see and understand what you meant as locked up. It's sad that some residents don't need or probably meet that criteria, yet are kept there just because the family pays. That is just unethical, and disgusting in my view. I hope new laws or procedures can be secured to protect our aging, and elderly. We all will age and possibly need special care, but I pray by then some productive changes are put in place. Changes are needed now actually!! I love the aging and sweetness of elderly and these special people need loving care in every way and deserve no less!!
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Lassie: You're so welcome. That is immensely kind of you to take this man shopping for snacks, clothes and the like! No, you are not held responsible to care for this man and people who may think you should, should look within themselves and know that they couldn't either.
Kudos and big SHOUT OUTS to you!
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There are plenty of folks out there who are happy to tell you what you are doing wrong: in raising your kids, in how you do your hair, your career goals and how to care for your aging parents. For the most part, they are idiots.

The folks to listen to are the ones who start their sentences with "I've done this, I know just how hard it is. May I share something that worked for me?"

Not the ones who say "I know a MUCH better way to do that".
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Yes Barb Brooklyn! I have learned a lot from others here who are experienced and know what I and others are going through. Not much from the back seat drivers.
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Dad could not qualify for ALF with his level of dementia & ADLs. Memory Care provides him with a spacious private room & bath, housekeeping, shower, dressing & medication assistance, meals, snacks & activities. He can (even in his wheelchair) go out to the courtyard when he chooses, & on his own. Of course he can't at night, but then he wouldn't be safe anyway, which is why he's there. He is not on any med to keep him sedated. We are private pay, but the only other option is SNF, which costs lots more, has a patient to staff ratio that is double, he would share a room & bath, & he couldn't have his own furniture. He is no more locked up than he was when he lived with me, because his own body won't allow him to get very far. He can be taken out anytime (24/7) family wants to take him. I really wish I could keep him here, though I see him almost every day, but right now I just can't. I just wanted to clarify, bc I was so happy to find it as an alternative to SNF when his care became too much for me. Hope all this makes sense for those looking for placement choices. And ...I still hope that I can find a way to bring him back home someday. I grieve for all of us who have to make these painful decisions, and every day I just want my old Dad back.
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Can't you get assisted living in your parent's home.
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Living in familiar surrounding is good for your parent.
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ChrisA1, My mom has passed on, but 24/7 care in my home would've been around $10,000 a month. That's a very unrealistic expense for the majority of us.
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Worriedspouse, I agree. The homecare sounds better. AL takes all the money it can and treatment is shabby. A former friend, an RN, was Director of Nursing at Harvard Park and she expressed disdain to other staff for recussitating people! She got fired, righteously so. Those are the kinds of people working in those places. Bring the person home. It is like being in prison. I live in Independent living and hate it. If I ever get enough money, I will buy my own place away from old folks!
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