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If you stay overnight 4 nights a week, who is staying overnight the other 3 nights a week? How did you start doing what you do for your parents? Did they ask, or did they offer? Do you have a job? A family?

Do you think your parents don't value what you do for them? I'm only asking, because that was definitely what my mother told me. My time wasn't worth anything, I was told. One time I suggested that one of my brothers do some ridiculous research task she was ordering me to do (regarding call buttons), and I was practically screamed at that HIS time was valuable, how dare I, etc. This was the brother who came to visit (from a few states away) as little as possible, of course.

I have two other brothers who didn't come much, either (also a few states away), but one of them tried to make it down here more than the others.

At one point I mentioned compensation, and my mother was furious. "You don't pay family!" Well, that was her belief, and it was my belief that you don't then expect one family member to do far more than the others. During her 17-day hospitalization (then rehab, then NH), I told the POA brother that I didn't think I could continue without compensation. He agreed, and even suggested back compensation, also, on an agreed-upon hourly rate of $20/hour. The money made me think of the caregiving (which became caregiving during the remainder of the hospitalization, then rehab, then permanent NH placement) as a job, and I was able to tolerate it.

I don't know if money enters into your equation or not. Maybe the money doesn't matter to you, and your financial future is secure. But I am wondering what's going to happen when your parents need even more help. Is it the plan that you move in with them fulltime? Do they have the funds for an outside caregiver? A facility?

Is it your parents' belief that the daughter has to do the caregiving? I think that was my mother's belief (also because I have a flexible job; I would have refused, otherwise). I didn't live with her, nor her with me. I did have to drive her places, though (and this took hours....), but I set strict limits on that (which she didn't like, but did adapt to). She lived by herself for longer than she should have (in a one-story condo seven minutes from me). She took a long time doing ADLs and only showered once a week, because it was difficult to climb into and out of the tub. She refused to hire someone to help. She refused to go to an AL facility.

I think you might be worried about what will happen in the future. Here your brother is doing nothing (and I don't believe he's working that many hours, either...and what about the summers off???), and you will only be expected to pick up more and more of the burden as your parents need more help, right?

What are your thoughts about that? Are you destined to become their fulltime caregiver at some point? Are you okay with that? If not, then what can you do now so that doesn't happen?
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rovana Sep 2019
When I hear about mothers who don't value their daughters' time and energy, I wonder if Mom was a frustrated woman who was forced into a role she did not want and now is trying to validate that by holding to these antiquated ideas.
(7)
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AlvaDeer - had to laugh as I’ve never even noticed adverts here - was too interested in the people caring and their interesting comments/ views / suggestions.
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worriedinCali Sep 2019
There have definitely been advertisements here. People spamming their own services. But worst of all, there are “expert” posters who get paid to advertise “a place for mom”. If you see someone with the “expert” by their name and a phone number in their rely, it’s an advertisement. It’s been awhile since any of them posted, probably because some of us pushed back again it as it was really inappropriate and they weren’t being upfront about who they were encouraging people to call.
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I got one day break by my sibling in the last 9 years whilst caring for our father. They had about 3 holidays abroad each year. Don’t bother getting cross - wasted effort. Best to focus as if you were the only carer to be honest. If you have POA you can get their doctor to inform you of any decisions/ medication changes.

I remember the principal at our college saying he thought 72 hrs a week was reasonable. Personally I worked from 7.30 to 1700 then cared - got home at 2300 and wrote up reports etc till 0130. Weekends were taken up with caring all day as were term holidays and I did “my work” during the late evening/ night. Looking back I’m not sure how I did it. (Must polish my halo -not - I made plenty of mistakes ! )
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Boundaries mean that I'm bowing out of the relationship with him. I've never heard of teachers working close to 80 hours a week. This is teaching sophomores and juniors at a high school. He's not around here with summers off either.

I think we all have different ideas. He truly needs to help his parents. My brother, to be utterly polite here, is lazy.

I think this forum is all about hiring caretakers, and you guys making money. I realized that after reading quite a few posts after I wrote my message.

The "posters" are blaming me for my predicament. If I was a man complaining about a lazy sister, it would be poor guy. Oh well. Dumb me! Make your money here. Someone has a conscience & it's not you.
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DareDiffer Sep 2019
i realise that you wanted advice how to get your brother to face up to “his responsibilities” as you have. Unfortunately there is nearly always one sibling that does the majority of the caring.

Whether that is a male carer or a female one - my sibling was female.

You can’t make a silk purse out of a sows ear - any more than you can make your sibling be as caring as you.
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To be honest, I would cut my losses in this situation. I don't see how you can make him help if he does not want to. (Maybe he has some notion that caregiving is "woman's work" - you might have a heart-to-heart talk with ex-wife if possible. ) Instead I'd take the advice of many posters on this forum on how to get help for your parents. There is no reason why it has to be within the family. You tried that, it did not work. Time to look elsewhere for what help might be available.  Lots of ideas on this forum on where to look for help.
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All answers here are good and should help you. Why is he receiving money gifts? He has a job. He does not need their money. They need it and if your parents go on medicaid he will have to pay it back. Explain that to them and to him. Then get more help, in home or assisted living, for your parents and do not expect brother's help. It's a lot of work for you and it's difficult to be alone with decision making, errands, dealing with parent's health issues and all, so I see why you want his help, but it is doubtful you will get it.
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MMasonSt Sep 2019
Hi, my brother is very materialistic and not so grown up. He is fine financially. My mom sees it makes him happy. I think that's why.

I will let him know that. I'm sure he will deny that he received any money knowing him. I appreciate you letting me know.
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Your brother has made it pretty clear he's not interested in contributing any level of care beyond what he is currently, as already stated instead of dwelling on that it is time to make another plan. If possible both of you need to sit down in a non confrontational way to discuss realistic, viable options for your parents as they age - that could include your parents paying you for your time, or hiring outside caregivers, or moving to a more supportive environment. What it can't be is a tit for tat squabble about who is contributing more or a shaming session over his lack of acting in ways you deem appropriate: the purpose of boundaries is setting limits for your own actions, it can not work as an attempt to coerce others to bend to your will.
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MMasonSt Sep 2019
Hi, I tried this so many times. I'm calm and say we need to talk this over. I'm not shaming or angry. He leaves the room saying he has to go or says next time. This has been a constant. You are assuming wrongly about my repeated attempts.

I want to discuss this as two children helping their parents. He doesn't even want this. That's what's so bizarre. At this point even Buddha would get a little hot under the collar. I really give up.
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Your brother has no obligation to provide help to your parents, nor do you.

As he is a teacher, it is unreasonable for you to expect him to take time off work to take the parents to appointments.

I am concerned that he is receiving gifts of cash from your parents, that could spell trouble if you have to deal with a look back period.
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I tend to agree with the other posters. Your brother had made it clear that he doesn't want to be involved in your parents' care so try to take him out of the equation and try to adjust your expectations. I know that can be difficult to do and it's not usually something we just do and move on. You might have to work on it everyday. Try not to call him for his assistance since you're only disappointed when he declines. And like a few others stated, you can't make your brother be involved. You can't change him.

Understand that he is not going to be involved in your parents' care and move on without him.
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So here is the thing. I don't have a sibling, or another sibling to help with the sibling I have who is needs help. I don't even live near him so the help I can render is not of a lot of consequence other than I can manage bills and monetary stuff for him.
And I think for all intent and purpose you do not have a sibling to help you, either. Knowing that he is unwilling to help you is the same as having no one. You are on your own with this. And all that you take on (4 overnights is a LOT if you have family), you take on on your own.
It is hard enough to do all you are doing without adding on the flailing at the windmill of your brother. He is NOT GOING TO HELP you. And you understand that on a deep level. So just leave it. You don't have to hope and beg and weep then. You just can leave him out of the equation unless he offers help.
What DOES matter now is how much longer you can take in all the responsibility for all of this. You have two elders in need of care, and I am assuming/presuming your own family as well. It may be time to think of things that WILL be or MAY be of more help for you. Such as hiring some help to do the work to be done.
I think that fighting the brother is somehow holding you back from realizing you cannot do this much longer. I suspect even with a more willing brother, perhaps the time is drawing near that this cannot be done without 24/7 care or placement.
I have utterly no idea the assets involved for your parents or their ability to provide some more care, but time to think in a more productive manner I think, leaving your bro out of the equation. Treat the whole thing as though he doesn't exist.
Perhaps write him a begging pleading LAST LETTER and let him know it is the last you will speak of this. Tell him that the amount of care your folks need now is overwhelming you, and almost impossible for you. Let him know that placement is likely in the near future, without more help. Tell him that you UNDERSTAND how hard he is working, and that he and his family need his time as well, and you are pleading with him for any help he can provide you. Tell him "If it is ZERO, do let me know; if you want to meet and arrange some availability, let me know; if you can help in an emergency or for a few overnights, let me know". Sign nicely and move away from expectations of the brother, concentrate on what you will do about/for your own life in light of what is happening with your parents.
I hope you will update us if you have any ideas that might work, or that do not.
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MMasonSt Sep 2019
Thanks for your thorough answer. The letter is a great idea. I'm not expecting much from it, but at least it will help to have it in print to reread that I tried.
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You can't change your brother. You can only change you. Sounds like you are on your way to burnout.

What is the financial situation for your parents? Can they afford caregivers? Can they afford a facility? What's going to happen as they need more and more help? Right now, it seems like you are going to be expected to be the one to provide more and more help. Are you willing for this to happen? If not, better start making plans for another outcome now.

When you say, "I've set boundaries," what do you mean? Set boundaries with your brother? Or with your parents?
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I agree. It’s time for assisted living. And you are probably wrong about his workload. But even if he’s out with friends, that’s his right, his choice. He doesn’t have to run himself in to the ground so that your parents can remain at home.
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You are not going to change your brother and should stop trying - waste of energy. It is time to get your parents into a different living situation where they can be assisted by more than you - you will burn out. Assisted living.
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