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As I used to tell my grandkids, "Fair? you want Fair? There is one in Indio in February and one in Pomona in September".

Taking care does not necessarily mean hands on. You can see they have the necessities from a distance. You sound burned out and it is time for you to make change. Only you can do it and don't feel guilty. You will still be the caregiver, just from a distance.

Rereading your post, this may not apply to you but there are many small homes she could be in that give more care. Anyway, read the following paragraph for ideas.

There are many Assisted Living places that are great. My ex is in one in Omak Washington, When my daughter called me crying that she just couldn't do it any more I told her to look for an AL and not call it a "home" or "AL", tell him and everyone else that you found him a great studio apartment in town. That is what it is. It has a bathroom, kitchenette, and a large room that serves as a bedroom, sitting room. They have one bedroom apartments there too. He self paid for 3 years, the minimum is two, now he is on medicaid. They also have a dementia wing if needed. I would go there as long as he wasn't. My late Aunt was in one like it in Dallas Texas.
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A thought just came to me reading through all the replies here - and elsewhere. Maybe we are all trying too hard? All this insisting on bathing, cleaning, nutritious food. And trying to be accommodating. I seem to remember that no-one was this fussy some time back. No-one bathed but once a week. Food was what was put in front of you or you went without and so what if you only eat ice-cream at that age? When elders back then got demanding, people put their foot down: said No, or Later, or Not now, or Sorry, I'm tired you'll have to wait. Just as parents used to do with children. Maybe we are "spoiling" the elderly and making a rod for our own backs when we should quite reasonably be creating a fair balance between their lives and ours and telling them so. Maybe we do all these things for our own sakes, not theirs (like young women wanting to be the perfect mothers, probably to the detriment of their children). Just a thought. Just saying ... comments expected.
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lealonnie1 Dec 2020
I think you make a good point! Kind of reminds me of us brushing our dog's teeth. We'd have been laughed out of the house when I was a kid for even mentioning such a thing!!! These days, we tend to go TOO FAR to keep things healthy for the elderly loved ones. My motto with my almost 94 y/o mother is..........let her eat whatever she WANTS. At her age, who cares?
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I definitely feel your pain and frustration. I never imagined my senior years would be spent being my mom's (98) caregiver. I never imagined mom being so helpless and needy as she was so strong and independent. I have been doing this for 1.5 years. I'm sure many here have been caregiving alot longer. Mom forgets that I'm a senior now too and still working fulltime. I miss being spontaneous. I miss my "me" time. I miss my privacy. I have told her that she will probably wind up burying me first. She laughs.
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MargaretMcKen Dec 2020
'S/He who laughs last, laughs best'. Make sure you have the last laugh!
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Dear ExhaustedOne,

(((hugs)))) I'm so sorry for everything you've been through. I know being selfless is a thankless job.

It's so hard when you're so responsible and dutiful and caring and loving and over time it takes a huge toll.

I truly hope you'll find another way, my friend. There comes a time when we have to put ourselves first and consider a nursing home.

Thinking of you.
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Plan your own care....if we all would've known this phrase when we were younger....like teaching your kids to save money....I never really had that kinda guidance as a young girl...you helped your parents, that's what was expected...now that I'm quickly approaching 60 I've had it taking care of others...I admire all health care workers...and I chose not to be one!...I'm a hairstylist, love it,it's been a great career.! After a day of 15 to 20 clients I'm exhausted.....they all ask about my aging mom(83) and how great it is to have her....this sounds terrible but she wears me out more than my full time job..I'm the only girl with 4 brothers.... 2 are local,no help...1 lives 3hours away..and my oldest brother passed 2years ago at 59 with lung,brain and bone cancer ..( I was his caretaker for 10 years,he also was paranoid schizophrenic).mom is on a fast decline,sponge baths only(that doesn't really work) constant UTI's ,only walks with walker,wayy overweight, copd,back surgery,breast cancer,one total knee replacement (sept),2nd knee replacement is coming in a week,must come straight home due to covid,.I got a call a day ago that someone has to be with her 24hours after or no surgery,she just kept repeating this til I caved and said I guess that's me....no problem let me move those people off that tuesday... but what about hour 25 and after? yes she gets some in and out nurses and therapists...I sound like a whiny baby but I'm tired of the stress this puts me under. The brothers have had it with her,(she's the boss,always in charge) I tell her to call them for help ,they always get a pass. I made her find her rides to cancer center (thank you volunteers) I was busy getting my brother to his treatments, I lost track after 96 appointments. She told her only grand daughter she was going no where,no AL for her. I was asked again yesterday when I was gonna retire NOT EVER! I know this trick...my guy just retired and we are soon to marry....can we move far away? Jk...I love my mom but wish she would've planned for her future..I would love to go to AL, 3meals,social activities! I've had this talk with my kids...rant over..bless all of you caregivers,take care of you♡
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Plenty of supporting and helpful comments. A few useless doozies. Ignore those. Several of us have responded to them, but in general it doesn't seem to deter them. Minds set in concrete, their way is the only way. Worse is the ASSuming, finger pointing, name calling. UGH!

"I could easily cart them off to an assisted living place but then there's the guilt. And instilling guilt is the one talent they were masters of. Boy, could they dish it out."

So, if moving them to AL is easy, DO IT! Guilt is only for those who have done something wrong. You haven't and even moving them to AL isn't doing something wrong. If they start, you walk away, hang up the phone, whatever it takes to distance yourself from their attempts to lay guilt on you.

I didn't take my mother in or move in with her. I did help as best I could when she was still living alone, esp after we had to take the car away (better to listen to her whine than have her kill herself or someone else!) After moving to MC (I did try the aides, but she thwarted that), most everything fell onto my plate. Either I did it or it wouldn't get done (2 brothers.) IF they agreed to something, typical they'd screw it up, which would make MORE work for me. Little Red Hen syndrome. unfortunately, they will get their cake and eat it too.

I hear you on the "fairness." Some commenters just don't get it. Some compare it to them raising you (NOT the same, by a long shot!) My parents had a LONG, GLORIOUS, FUN-FILLED retirement!!! At least TWENTY YEARS! Trips to Europe. Cruises. A condo in FL for winter. Parties with family and friends. They had a WHALE of a time! I don't even want that. But despite not taking physical care of mom, 6+ years of MY retirement are under the bridge, out to sea, gone, never to be seen again! Almost 2 years of that was devoted to clearing, cleaning and getting repairs done to her condo so we could sell it! It was 3 hrs round trip, so multiple trips/week to get a few hrs done. Most of the work I saw to - getting bros to help was almost as bad as doing it myself!

SIX long years - it was hard to see my son and his family (including the one and only grandchild!) Once a year just doesn't do it, but they are far enough away that it's hard on me, and I was reluctant to be too far from home/where mom was in case of emergency.

It is what it is, and I've done the best I could for all those years. Hopefully in some small way she appreciated it. The sad part was not being able to visit with her. We couldn't do phone calls (hearing was bad), or video calls, and her windows faced an interior garden with no access. I had to write things down rather than me talking, but she would read and answer. We got by. I did try 2 scheduled visits, outside and inside, but with masks and 6' apart, I'm not sure she even knew who I/we were.

I don't fault them so much. It was their retirement. Yes, watching over things and managing things for mom has cut into my retirement (aka not doing the rat race daily, but also being on fixed income!), but what irks me more is my brothers and their lack of care and concern for mom. On top of that, they've gotten off scot free! OB is 1 yr older, and has his whole retirement to himself. YB is 10 yrs younger, and will have HIS whole retirement to himself. Me? Who cares that I've given up the first 6 years of that. Hopefully my health will hold out to be able to enjoy some of the rest... Meanwhile, I'm saving whatever I can so that if I need care, my kids won't have to worry about me! I've told them to find a place and just manage things for me. Yes, it will still impact them as it did me, but maybe less.

OB isn't local - he came up a few times to help with big condo stuff (a few trips vs TWO years!) When we went to see mom on this trip, she was OVERJOYED to see him! I sent him back for a visit before condo work and when suggested again, he refused and never went back in 2.5+ yrs. I gave up asking YB to visit, She used to ask about them, but stopped. :-(
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Really? Your parents escaped taking care of their elders? My parents didn't. I didn't. How did they get to be so lucky?

My parents took care or their parents because that's what they, in their generation, were expected to do. They knew that would someday be their responsibility. I remember my parents caring for my grandparents. They did butt wiping, changing bed linens over and over, cooking, feeding elders who could not not feed themselves, listening to complaints over and over. They may have, justifiably complained of fatigue, but I never recall them complaining of "unfairness". It was something one just "did" if parents were elderly and infirm. It was expected of everyone in their situation.

I myself did a fair amount of that, but considered myself fortunate because I could hire some decent help. I still felt the responsibility of their care. I was grateful that only one parent lived long enough to require continual intense care.

The needs of the elderly do not change much from one generation to the next. The difference is that the expectations of their children do.
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MargaretMcKen Dec 2020
The needs of people in their 90s with dementia probably don’t change all that much. But there were far far fewer of them in the past. There was no 'care-giving tsunami'. Look up some population graphs if you don’t believe it.
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Dear Not Fair--After writing about the changes in "expectations", it occurred to me that although my parents expected to care for their parents, they did NOT expect to spend a retirement jetting off to exotic vacations, having a luxury home on the golf course and entertaining lavishly. It was not what most retirees did in that generation. Consequently, they had no sense of deprivation in caring for their elders.
As suggested by others, perhaps you are simply exhausted as a care-giver and could find a facility that could care for your parent adequately. It would depend on their financial status mainly, but there are agencies who could help you arrange something. You would feel less pressured and surely less resentful. You could see your parent often and relate in ways that would be more meaningful to you both.
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I feel as though I wrote this. EVERY word. I pray every day that my loved one would just go to Heaven.

You are right. This is not fair.

Please consider joining the Alzheimer's Dementia Caregiver's FB Support Group. It's a non-judgmental group where you can VENT.

I don't know what I do without the group. And prayer.
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Ffirst off, your comment about your parents not having to care for theirs, was this because your grandparents passed away young?
Second, you seem to be running thin from caregiving, burnout, which happens to almost if not all caregivers. Find yourself a support group and set up a BACKUP care plan for you to have YOU time.
Third - the feeling of guilt because you put your LO in a care facility is something that at some point is a learned behavior. Sometimes, you need to leave care providing to the professionals.
If you were married and your spouse becomes I indigent, would you feel the same way.
You're right it isn't FAIR, but was it fair when you studied your butt off and failed an exam, and someone else didn't study and is able to ace it? Is it fair a child is born with cancer? Is it fair being broke on payday but others have money. Life isn't fair. It is what it is and we have to make adjustments to the situation. I was tossed from taking care of my father with dementia, at the same time helping care provide for MIL, and right after my father's death I was care providing for my husband who too a serious fall which was due to what we later found d a Parkinson's diagnosis. During this time, I underwent 6 surgeries including replacement. Was that fair?
I think you need to get the mindset that it is not a bad thing or should you feel guilty for putting your LO in a care facility. I know I will most likely need to do this with my husband. Right now I get respite care for him. Just because we become adults does not mean that we won't need assistance later. Our two sons are proof if this, both had life events under the age of 40.
Seek out help with support groups and any resources available. Take care of yourself. Put your parents into a ALF and visit. Do research on what facilities are best for financial and care needed.
Best of luck
Take care
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*Get an attachable bidet for their bottom.
*There are cleansing soaps you can use with a washcloth to wipe down their body that don't have to be rinsed or just washcloth wipes. It won't hurt their skin.
*There is a type of shampoo shower cap that you put on their head and massage it gently and well all over for a few minutes. No water needed.
* Look online for a bathtub "bench seat" with a back. Then get an attachable hose and shower head for your tub's spigot. You can wash them thoroughly using water once a week or have helper assist you.
*Make extra of different freezeable meals as you cook and put in freezer bags. Label date and contents with a sharpie pen. Oatmeal, grits, precooked sausage, bacon, juice boxes, small diced fruit in cans. Watch out for grapes and hotdogs etc that could choke them.
Google at home elder care items or words to that effect. Make it easier to care for them in their decline. Healthy Living, Carewell...
*It's hard because, unlike a baby you can't just pick them up and clean and and feed them. It's emotionally taxing. Look online for ideas to make it easier. Somehow I ended up caretaking 4 people throughout my life plus work. I had two church ladies help during the day. Still, the doctors visits, bathing, bed sheets... Hang in there.
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Heartbreaking.
Life can be tragic.
The one with the heart is used by the selfish one.
Know that people here grieve with you.
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I completely understand and empathize with you & your situation. Many people try to explain away your feelings & make sense of an improbable & impossible situation. Welcome to the “Silent Generation” mistakenly sometimes called the “Baby Boomers” when in fact, that would be us. Yes, while people are living longer these days, our parents are the original “entitled” generation. They had it all their entire lives, good wages & employer provided benefits, pensions & retirement plans, low cost real estate & great interest rates. They paid low taxes & enjoyed what was the Great American Middle Class before it was destroyed. They are now enjoying their twilight years at everyone else’s expense without feeling shame or guilt saving that for us. My husband has been diagnosed with brain cancer .. he is terminal. My mother is 83 years & I am 62. She expects me to be at her beckon call and doesn’t ask but tells or orders me around. She is a malignant narcissist as I suspect your mother may be, and I share your frustration & anger. They are demanding & ungrateful. I have two brothers who conveniently moved far away & are selfish as hell refusing to lift a finger. I moved 3 hours away so it’s all on me. This generation refuses to give up an ounce of control and demands they be allowed to stay in their own homes while they ruin their children’s retirement years. My only advice is make time for yourself .. take a nice walk every morning, take mini breaks & let home health give you the respite you need. My only solace as I struggle between my elderly demanding ungrateful mother and my terminally ill husband is to remind myself what my Priest said to me years ago ..
“your rewards await you in heaven”.. wishing you strength & peace .. be well.
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