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My grandma has insisted on staying in her house alone after grandpa died 7 years ago. He did whatever she said whenever she said...so she expects same from daughter and us 2 grandkids. We are the only family she has left. Everything was manageable for first 3 years or so. We would bring her groceries, bring her to bingo, etc. Though manageable, very difficult because of constant tantrums that nothing we ever did (according to her) was right. By the 4th year, not so manageable. She started having falls around the house. We offered her to come live with us. No way she said! Giant blowout tantrum with screaming and tears. Well she had a bad fall after that. Broke her femur. Couldn't be released home unless she had 24 hr care. I agreed to move in. She couldn't fix her own meals, couldn't change clothes, couldn't wipe herself after using the bathroom and couldn't bathe herself. Its now been 3 years, she still can't do any of those things but after more tantrums, I talked her into wiping herself (thank god). Well, I do not actually live in the house anymore but I and my mom and sister all visit 3 times a day. Every. Single. Day. We bring all meals and change/wash her, and empty her commode since she says she cannot make it to upstairs bathroom. So quite often she has threatened to leave our family out of her will. Any little thing sets her off to say that. You bring her lunch at 12:00 instead of 11:00, thats it! She says thru clenched teeth, "you're out of the will! I don't need you!" Well she has been threatening this for years. The day I moved in with her a nosy neighbor, who I already know does not like me or my family because of the way grandma portrayed us, she came up smirking and said "hey maybe she will be nice and leave you her house. Maybe." This neighbor lady and her husband by the way, have keys to her house. They were given by my grandpa but still....when grandma was in rehab for fall, my mom and I went to clean the house and smirky neighbor lady just casually let herself in with keys! I'm just wondering, after we are here taking care of her every need, can someone who doesn't even visit her just take the house my grandpa worked 2 jobs most of his life to afford???

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Change the locks.
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My grandma is home a lot now because of the mobility issues and she would flip out if we did that cause shes parked in a recliner right by the door. Believe me, I have considered it though.
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Tell her her keys have fallen into disreputable hands and it's an important security measure. Then just quietly forget to give the neighbour a new one.
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Why do you allow yourselves to be abused this way?
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Barb I ask myself this everyday. My mom doesn't want to put her in a home and besides, she refuses. So I don't even think we legally can put her in one. My sister and I are still pretty young and just feels like torture. Everything revolves around her. And not even a thank you.
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Jazzy1349 Jun 2019
Hi, I'm Sara, and I feel for you. No one should be abused. I responded earlier, but I want to deal about the neighbor, okay? She sees a total different side of grandma, obviously the nice side. But keep in mind Hazel, when grandma dies, this neighbor will be a force to be reckoned with, will or not. Wouldn't it be better to get on her good side? Eat a little "yum-yum crow," about past words, play nice, not in anger. If you change the locks, she can, in turn, change them too. Which locks you out, with no way to get back in. You may win "some battles," but you're we!! On the road to "losing the war." One kind word can erase a thousand spoken in anger. Learn to a small amount of ass to get all you seem to think of as your stuff. Goes a long, long way, sugar.
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Well, I would tell grandma that from now on there will be a caregiver contract and she will pay for services.

She can can either pay you and your family or she can go hire an agency.

Stop letting her her abuse you for free...at least get paid.
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I agree with Katie; just tell her that you need to be paid the going rate ($25 per hour).

If she doesn't agree then give her the phone number of local home care agencies.

This is NOT okay for her to behave this way.
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cherokeegrrl54 Jun 2019
Awesome advice!!!! Just because she is elderly doesnt give her the right to abuse you or your mom Hazel86!!
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Thanks for answers everyone! I am trying to get my mom to set something up with a lawyer. I dont even know how we prove that we are at her house everyday doing this stuff. I feel almost guilty being worried about a will bc that is not why we help her. Its just that she can be downright awful to us and if anyone inherits the house, it should be us. Maybe im paranoid that shes changed her and grandpa's will but I dont think its that far fetched either and would not put it past her.
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Zdarov Jun 2019
hazel, wow this sounds so stressful! I have a mom who acts the queen like this in some ways. You asked how to ‘prove’ what you do day to day. I don’t know the ultimate legal use, but I keep a log of every visit on my iPad; hours I was there, what I brought, what I did. An accumulated body of notes could have a number of values later. Also I’ll note any particularly bizarre happenings or statements.
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If your grandmother's abusive behavior isn’t because of dementia (since you didn’t say we don’t know), then she can change her will. However I don’t see that happening as she’s immobile and you would have to drive her to an attorney. I think you need to let that worry go as you have no control over it right now. Your biggest concern really should be the fact that you are being used and she is not grateful. And frankly visiting 3x a day is a bit much! It sounds like her daughter, your mom needs a backbone and boundaries. We teach people how to treat us and she’s been taught by you all she can get away with being demanding and mean. You don’t have to put up with it. So a clear plan is needed on hiring help or getting paid. And getting POA is needed if it hasn’t been done.
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Nothing. Absolutely nothing. If you think you are entitled, call Legal Aid or your own lawyer if you have one.

We are not owed any inheritance whatsoever from anyone.
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PrivateCitizen Jun 2019
I am shocked every time I see family thinking they are owed anything, the parent should present each kid a 'bill' for the first 18 years if that is the case, for wiping they butt, cleaning up for free, etc. In my husband's family I watched two sisters and a brother firmly believe they would get everything from an aunt, the last couple years 'relatives from AZ swooped in, she changed everything and none of the adult kids got the juicy payoff they expected. and there was a screaming fight in the funeral home parking lot, and these were all good Catholics..yeah, when money is involved it wrecks all else. I had a mom who always threatened me for age 10 on that she'd cut me out of her will...guess what, it was never MY money, so I did not care! and sure enough a brother who cared for her the last years claimed there was nothing...so he earned it aw far as I am concerned. Greed, and feeling 'deserving' is the worst trait. I think the woman or anyone else should present their parent with a BILL for services rendered, treat them like a stranger. Ann Landers used to say no one owes you a thing in this world.
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First, change the locks. Your grandmother won't like it, but she doesn't like anything, so it doesn't really matter. A woman who has that many tantrums probably has dementia, so get her checked out by a neurologist; depending on the results, you might need to get her POA. I wouldn't worry about the will too much. If she has a lawyer, he or she is sick of her by now and lawyers don't make housecalls unless you are extremely wealthy. It's simply too much trouble to change a will. I'd suggest not visiting for a day the next time she has a tantrum. Or submitting a bill for a weeks' worth of services. Or both. Make sure the bill is at market rate for in-home care. You might be able to negotiate a family rate...
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Zdarov Jun 2019
I agree that there’s surely some dementia going on. As much as I read I’m still not conversant, but: they can have mini strokes over and over and leaves a trail of vascular dementia throughout the brain. The change since three years ago is a thing, not just a coincidence.
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Im not seeing the whole picture I'm afraid, is it just the house or is there money involved ?
Some elder lawyers will come to house if there is a reason the client cant get to them, rare but not out of the question.
I'm sure if the neighbor is a friend she see's the comings and goings on ,it happenes more often than not that she may agree with grandma and has gotten involved. Not necessarily in her best interest. People in life can sometimes be self serving and it happens that it's not always in someone's best interest , the neighbor may be taking advantage of your grandma and helped her change her will, or it may be that there's to much concern about nothing. I would call her bluff and ask to see her will
and let's be mindful that generally people sometimes feel they are owed more than they actually are, if you have to be rewarded for every little thing you do you have the option to not do it ,,, good luck
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Since we’re all an armchair’s length from you, I’ll pitch in something else - this neighbor may be kinder or less smirky than you think, please watch out for fostering angst where it may not exist due to the war-like platform grandma creates around her. Ask your mom about perhaps looking for a time to get alone with this gal and ask her for her thoughts and observations about the situation, “You aren’t family, but we know you’re a caring neighbor,” etc.
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Lymie61 Jun 2019
Very good point, this neighbors smirky comment "hey maybe she will be nice and leave you her house. Maybe." might have been more of an all knowing comment about the way your GM threatens with "the house" or an attempt to commiserate with you figuring you had shared the same experience, you know a wink, wink, I know what your going through.
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Inheritance? If the will was prepared when she was competent, she can leave anything to anybody she chooses.

Your profile does not tell us how old grandma is or what her medical conditions are. That would help.

Good that you are no longer living there. Has grandma setup POA's? That needs to be done. Or family goes to court, if she is not competent, to obtain guardianship. It sounds like that may not be possible since grandma is unlikely to want family to be granted it.

It also sounds like you may be jumping the gun on the inheritance issue. Grandma's resources are for her care. Often paying for Care will drain any resources that they may have.

Is grandma on Medicaid?
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If she is sound mentally and it sounds like she is, of course she can change her own will. It is her prerogative. Your grandpa was her husband so what he left is hers unless he designated otherwise in his will. Imagine if she did change her will-which may already be the case. If your circumstances are such that you need to get paid you should ask her but don’t bank on a will. If she chooses not to be prepared for that answer as others have suggested.
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I am a caregiver. First, grandma is overloaded with anger, at life, herself, husband for dying, anger at everyone. Has anyone talked with her , honest upfront, about what she wants, needs? Does she have Alzheimer's/dementia? Anger is a very real effect of these. She is obviously a "danger" to herself, and truthfully, the family would be better off by bringing in a professional caregiver that knows how to deal with these issues. Sounds like family reacts with anger when she has a "fit." How do you know for sure there's a legal will or not? Why don't y'all find it, deal with whatever's in it. She obviously don't drive, so if she even wanted to make a new will, y'all would have to take her to get it done. The word NO works well, to getting her somewhere to have that done. Bottom line, sit down, have an honest, without anger, conversation. Just maybe y'all will learn where this hostility is coming from. After all, the worst thing is she'll yell, and tell you you're out of the will. Good luck. It's never good when a loved one dies, and all that's left behind are angry words and heart aches. Be gentle, be kind, but let go of the anger, and the greed over what's hers till she's gone.
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The harsh truth is that Grandma can leave her estate to whomever she wants. There is no law saying it has to be her relatives. Do you know for sure she has a will? If she doesn't, there is a line of heirs that is determined by state law, and that usually doesn't include friends. If she does have a legal will, who is the executor? They are bound by law to follow the provisions of the document. I suspect Grandma is just using threats to get her own way since it would be quite expensive to go change the will as often as you say she threatens. You need to get the locks changed on the house, if possible, since the neighbors having keys opens up the potential of them removing things when Grandma dies, or even when she is alive with her permission to take things. It is possible you can have her declared mentally unfit to care for herself and her property but that requires an attorney and a court adjudication.
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If you or another family member were living there I would suggest that you change the locks. But since you are not there 24/7 I wouldn't just in case of an emergency.
NO ONE is guaranteed an inheritance. As a matter of fact I think the money should be spent on the person that needs the care rather than squirreling it away to be doled out after the person that needed it has died.
If you or your family can not or will not provide the care that she needs contact Adult Protective Services, or contact your local Senior Services and talk to a Social Worker and explain that Grandma needs help and you can no longer provide the help that she needs. No telling what would happen to her assets and that includes the house if they determined that she needs 24/7 care.
If she were to be declared incompetent she would need a Guardian and that might possibly fall to the State since you said you can not provide proper care for her. Chances are the only ones that "win" in that situation are the Lawyers.
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Davina Jun 2019
If no one deserves an inheritance, then no one should expect relatives to provide the care the OP is giving.
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I would change locks immediately as they seem to have ulterior motive...another idea is take her to hospital & say you are unable to care for her anymore....& she will need 24 hr care...& she will have to go to SNF. This neighbor will steal her blind ...& be living in Grandma’s house...I have bad vibes about them...Hugs 🤗
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I can't believe yall are going to her house 3 times a day and doing all the personal items you say you are and she treats you this way. This is the definition of insanity, right? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. It will only get worse! Have her sign a caregiver agreement and start paying. If she says no and talks about how great her neighbors are, well let them have her and I bet they don't last a day and they'll be calling and begging you to come back. Stick to your guns and stop being abused. It drives me crazy that the same people who say they don't want to be a burden to their kids when they're younger turn into needy ungrateful monsters I read about on this website. My inlaws, most especially my MIL, became very whiny and needy but expressed her gratitude daily and that made all the difference in the world.
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Have her sign a caregiver agreement paying you for giving your life up for her AND giving you sole POA. I and about a thousand other people on here lost our own health, jobs, families learning that lesson too late.
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No they cannot. I'd have the locks changed if I were you. Nosy neighbor had no right to let herself in when your grandma wasn't home. Also, make it clear to your grandma that none of you are her husband or her slave and she needs to show more appreciation towards you. Her angry outbursts are not okay and she needs to get placed into a facility based on how high a fall risk she is.
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This looks like a situation in which the best course of action would be to get away from it. If the grandmother claims she doesn't like your help and abuses you, there is no reason to donate your time and life to her. You could take one of several routes already suggested here to get her into a nursing home or similar. Although we all agree that the purpose of helping her is not to get an inheritance, for her to be nasty and ungrateful to you for all you do, and then throw this comment at you is the ultimate slap in the face. However, you might want to visit with the neighbor first to see if she if she is on the level or just mocking you; perhaps she can enlighten you on something that would make a difference in your decision. If you extricate yourselves from the situation, the neighbor and your grandmother may say it's only because of the will--but you know better and need to get out of this situation. However, if apparently she doesn't plan to leave you anything anyway, that's all the more reason to let her use HER resources for HER care. There's no reason to spend (or perhaps I should say "ruin") your life knocking yourself out for someone who is ungrateful and nasty.
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Too many posts to read so sorry if I am repeating.

You don't say anything in ur profile about Gmas mental state or age.

Ur Gma needs a good physical with a cognitive eval. No rational person acts like Gma. No one in their right mind would allow another person to bath and toilet them.

Hopefully, Mom has POAs in place. If so, read them and see when they take effect. Immediately or when the person is found they can no longer care for themselves. As soon as its determined Gma is incompetent, then Mom can have locks changed on doors.

The answer to ur question is, yes, Gma can leave her estate to anyone she wishes. If Gma is found incompetent, she cannot change her will.
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Legal elder law attorney time. Your grandma would be prey to those trying to get her to leave them money. No one but you as family should have keys if your grandmother is not of sound mind. It is a very easy matter these days to change locks, don't even need to remove them at all. If she IS of sound mind, walk away would be my advice. Walk completely away. So basically you are left with this. No matter what you do for her, if she is of sound mind she is free to change her will any time she likes. If she is not of sound mind it is time to see a legal elder attorney and doctor and begin to take guardianship of her. Then you address the locks. This should be done quietly. If the neighbor is a problem any forwarning of all this could mean whatever is in the house is in danger of getting lifted. I know the neighbor may be a good person trying to help your grandmother. But the neighbor may NOT be. And it is quite impossible to know at present with your grandmother acting in this unstable manner. She is showing all the signs of dementia. Her doctor may not be able to share with you, but a call to him or her suggesting you are worried by changes you see, and wondering if you should seek advice of elder law attorney may be in order. They often find a way of saying things without saying things in these cases.
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Change the locks. Remove access to phone. Remove all paperwork from the house and review it. Get her evaluated medically and cognitively. Research local rehabs and resources. Next injury or medical crisis, discharge from hospital to rehab. While she is in weakened state at hospital and rehab, make plans for assisted living or memory care. This a helpless, vulnerable, sick person. Aside from throwing temper tantrums, there's not much she can do to resist (especially if you keep her away from phone and computer). An assisted living or memory care would be trained to deal with her resistance--distraction, therapeutic fibbing, etc. Once she's in assisted living or memory care, you two grandkids take a long break, maybe even relocate. You deserve your own lives!
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sandy1955 Jun 2019
Without knowing her status, weather she is cognizant and can handle her own affairs, removing all of her paperwork and not allowing her a phone or computer sounds like imprisoning her in her own home. Even if she has dementia, unless the courts have made someone her guardian, which a judge has to decide, it is illegal to do this. She has the legal right to make her own choices even with dementia.
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Tell her to pay you, since she is throwing tantrums don't get emotionally involved or argue with her.
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Rabanette Jun 2019
Exactly!!!!!
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Is your grandmother practically bed bound? You say she can use a porta potty....but can she go any further like to get out of the house in case of an emergency? When you leave and lock the door, does she have a key to get out if need be...or depend on the smirky neighbor for that? If you change the locks and don’t leave grandma a copy (which she’ll promply give to her neighbor to copy...again), you need to consider that.

It is true that she could leave her worldly possession to whomever she wants and if there were documented examples of erratic behavior or incidents on her part or diagnosed dementia, you could contest her will if she left her things to someone else..but it wouldn’t be cheap.

You have to decide if you want to accept the abuse because you’re taking care of your grandma because you feel it’s the right thing to do regardless of any promised inheritance...or tell her she can pay you or call an agency and walk out and enjoy your freedom. It’s obvious you won’t be able to reason with her.

I wish you all the best.
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She can write the will any way she wants. However, wills can be challenged and if she leaves her estate to people who did little or nothing to help her or keep her company when you did so much I'd challenge it. You can prepare by keeping meticulous notes and records of all that you've done, writing a history of the way things have been (for a judge to read) and by screening competent, agressive attorneys so that you're ready if the time comes. You can casually mention that such legal battles can deplete an estate. If you don't want to defend yourself this way you can stop helping her or keep doing it and let the chips fall where they may. It does sound like she's made plans to give to the neighbors and has told them so.

My mother has narcissistic personality disorder and is a 92 year old spoiled brat. She needs constant attention and flattery and can't stand anyone who won't fall into line. My brother is severely alchoholic and my sister has antisocial personality disorder, alcholic, drug user and pathological liar. My brother is married to a woman who he hasn't lived with in 40 years but who sucks up to my mother, taking her leftover food and plants that were going to go into the trash from her serving jobs. One grandson is on meth, gobbles up my mother's groceries and passionately proclaims " Ioooooove you grandma" but disappears when she needs help. My mother is endlesssly flattered by this sucking up, never notices that these people take from her but never help and plans to favor them over me in her will. I'm the only one in the family who thinks for myself and tells her the truth; I was also my father's favorite and this galls the crap out of her. If she favors my siblings over me I plan a legal fight and will soon let her know that I have written a 30-page family history and chosen aggressive attorneys in case I need them. She's terrified of legal bills and proceedings so it may not be necessary after all.
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Hazel, time to take Grandmother to see her primary doctor and have her tested for an Urinary Tract Infection. Such an infection can mimic memory problems, or make a person very angry at the world and everyone who is in it. This infection can be controlled with antibiotics once the type of infection is narrowed down.

As for the house, as another writer had mentioned, there will be a time when Grandmother will need a village to help her, thus any equity she has in the house will go quickly to pay for professionally trained caregivers, or for Grandmother to move to Assisted Living.

Depending on Grandmother's age, if she is in her 80's or 90's, she will dig in her heels to the mention of Assisted Living [do not call it a nursing home in front of Grandma] because she probably can remember her grandparents moving to such a place, and back then it was the County Home [mainly an asylum]. Grandmother needs to know that today's senior facilities are vastly different, and she would be around people of her own generation.

Keep us up-to-date on what is happening.
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