My 57 year old daughter wants control of my money.
I live alone, she doesn't want me to have a car, she will take me wherever I want to at her convenience. Is long suffering while she is being a wonderful daughter. I can't buy a dollar item without being told put that back you don't need it. She buys clothes for me and shoes rather than taking me shopping. We had a wonderful relationship I thought, as my friends died off it seemed wise to move close - not with, Thank God. My mind is great, I still play bridge on the computer, do puzzles every day, play cards at any opportunity. I lent a person some money. I and my husband both did this when he was alive. She is convinced I am being scammed, She is possibly right, I've had doubts and hired a detective, checked with FBI and other agencies. I told her I would stop sending money and in thanks she filed for guardianship. My cost in this matter is unbelievable. I don't pay anything THEY use my money to pay my lawyer, her lawyer, my sons lawyer, a doctor $500.00 mental exam and two mental health nurses. Who knows what they will charge. This is cruel and unnecessary.
Tell her you appreciate her watching out for scams, but you want to be more involved on things that are purchased for you
My mom has a big heart and donates to things meaningful to her and that’s great but they pass names and address along to a million other organizations.
Too smart daughter filed for guardianship just before check was cut and it is now in the lawyers trust account.
Good luck. Enjoy your life and be happy. Setting up a "Trust" and all required documents will give you peace of mind as well as reign in your daughter.
Its the trust that gives me trouble.
So while this may be on the up and up.. I feel like maybe the DD is trying to do her best to help Mom. I know from most of the posts here I will not be popular, but I stand behind this..
AND....this is important.
This is ONE side of the story. There are usually 3 sides to any story.
Lonlyandold has 1 story
Her daughter has another story
Somewhere in the middle lies the third...and possibly the truth to the story.
Are you going for a Neuropsych evaluation this week? My mom's evaluation was with a Neurologist, Neuropsychologist and Psychiatric Nurse Practioner (so yes, 3 medical professionals working together to look at her thinking, reasoning and behavioral skill, along with her emotional state) The whole thing was covered by Medicare.
This resulted in mom being told that it was unwise for her to live alone any longer; needed changes in diet, more socialization and more consistent access to others who could help. (No more panicked phone calls to us about burned out light bulbs).
Hoping for a good outcome for you and your family!
Its my independence that keeps me going. And I truly feel God still has work for me to do.
he had become very good at parroting responses to me over the phone to satisfy me but in real life things were a shambles. He lives with me now and still at times thinks he’s Superman and will be going home any day now to resume life as it was. For a long time I’ve just had to humor him but also manage every detail of his life since he can’t even figure out how to change the channels on the TV anymore. When he is talking to a doctor or someone like that he can act like things are just peachy, but if they
start asking him things to test his memory he goes ballistic. I’m not saying this daughter isn’t doing anything wrong but I also know that people with dementia often think they are just fine when they aren’t.
You have a lawyer to represent you at the competency hearing. Evidence from the neuropsych evaluation will be presented. (cognitive testing doesnt lie; IQ points and reasoning skills sometimes diminish because of strokes and other vascular issues.) It sounds to me like your adult children are mostly trying to protect you from harm and from outliving your resources.
What is your SWR from your portfolio? How do you determine when to make withdrawals? What is your AA and do you change it frequently based on fear-mongering news reports?
You sold your house. Where are you living now? How much capital gains tax will you owe?
My brokers and accountants assure me I will not run out of money and suggest I start spending it on things that make me happy. (Ive been here almost a year and daughter and I have not been able to agree on curtains so curtainless windows mostly.). I have borrowed burtains in the bedroom.
Maybe your children are afraid that you will do the same and are trying to protect you in the way they feel is best.
Would I be upset if I were you? I am sure that I would be. I hope it all works out for you. I hope they have nothing to worry about. If it does turn out in your favor how will you feel about them? Does this change things forever between you and your family?
Maybe family counseling will help all of you where you have an objective mediator to guide the conversation. Best of luck to you.
Okay, thanks for your honest reply. I understand how you feel. All families have had issues. Anyone that pretends there hasn’t ever been any problems are lying. You know that. All families have ups and downs. So, it’s okay if you need some space for yourself right now.
Hopefully soon, the hard part will be behind you. I still say that there is a possibility that your children are most likely looking out for your best interest. At least that is what I would like to believe. I sincerely do hope all goes well for all of you and you can resume a relationship in a healthy way. It may take some time to trust again or rebuild but don’t give up.
If a resolution can’t be reached I still hope that you are able to move forward and put this behind you. I wish you joy and peace in the future.
That is your business about changing your will. Of course it is your right to adjust your will to your liking. Let’s hope your daughter will be gracious if she loses. You certainly know your daughter better than any of us.
If you should need help and your daughter reaches out to you, I hope that you will allow her to. If she is wrong, I do hope she is gracious with you. I will be thinking of you and please let us know how you are doing.
I don't doubt your daughter believes she is doing her best for you. But then again, it wouldn't be the first time I'd thought "saints preserve us from people who are Only Trying To Help."
The non-communication with Daughter: is that on legal advice, are you too angry, is she too angry, or what? I'm still thinking ahead to how on earth you're going to get the genie back in the bottle once the guardianship issue is resolved, however it might be resolved.
Is she fully apprised of your financial situation?
When you say "your broker and accountant"; are these fiduciaries and fee for service professionals or are they AUM folks, i.e. are you paying them a percentage of your very adequate funds each year? Perhaps THAT's what your daughter is upset about.
Paying a non-fiduciary 1% or more per year, in addition to the underlying expense ratios of funds, front loads and back loads, not to mention annuities that result in poor returns and big upfront paydays for the broker can and will bankrupt you.
My MIL was well provided for when my FIL died and was told that she'd never run out of money. This "advisor" placed her in very poor investments and charged her a fortune. She is now living a very financially reduced life. My ex and his brothers feel very sad that they didn't pay more attention to her finances early on.
My Dad had his own stock broker for over 40 years who was commission based. Here I am thinking how much the brokerage house took in each time Dad bought or sold stock/mutual funds/bonds. Dad was computer savvy and he could have done this work himself for less than $5 per transaction since Dad was really good at picking out funds. He didn't want to retire his broker, which I understood about his loyalty to this person. I do my own, my Dad was a good teacher when it came to financial assets.
Too bad we don't have 12% interest rates on savings accounts. That would be much easier on those who aren't interested in following Dow Jones. Gosh, I made pretty good interest just on savings accounts back then. Now I am lucky I get 5 cents on my account :P
My mother would agree with you, as she thought that *I* was trying to control her and steal her money. It was very hurtful.
There are two sides to every story.
You say that you and your daughter cannot agree on curtains for YOUR room after you have lived with her for a year? I think if that is the case and since you say your brokers assure you that you cannot run out of money, then you should ask for a court appointed guardian should you need guardianship, and pay to have someone advocate for you to enter Assisted Living. The place where my brother is has one room and two rooms in cottages, even two units that are two rooms and a kitchen portion. There are tours and the buses go to various shopping malls several times a week. The people who work there are consistently so very nice and you will be allowed to PICK your OWN curtains. That is what I would do. I dearly love my daughter, but I don't know I could/should/would LIVE with her. Nor do I think it would be good for HER.
So give that some thought should it be suggested to you that you cannot live alone anymore.
That outcome would honestly surprise me, given your extremely articulate nature on this forum.
I hope you will get back to us. We are all pulling for you.
OP doesn't live WITH her daughter, just near - she moved to be closer as she was aging, which is a SMART thing to do in many cases.
From the original post, just the relevant parts:
"I live alone..."
and
"...as my friends died off it seemed wise to move close - not with, Thank God."
It would be bad enough if daughter wouldn't let her chose curtains if she WERE living with her, but denying her choosing/buying curtains for her OWN home? That really smacks of control, unnecessary control.
Granted we don't have all the details, but daughter sounds like one giant control freak! I can understand watching out for LOs, or helping them to curtail frivolous spending (witness the dad who bought the 500+ chain saw that he can't lift and already has 3 others!), managing finances if need be, but to DO mom's shopping, not even allow her to go along and choose her own items and even telling her to put back $1 items??? c.o.n.t.r.o.l f.r.e.a.k.
This in recently from the OP:
"We had a hearing in front of a magistrate who awarded temporary guardianship to my son who now pays my bills and I have been denied any access to my accounts and it looks like I’ll get $100.00 a week. This stays in effect i’ll the case is heard by a judge. I agreed, it was this or my daughter taking over,".
Can you tell us why "it looks like" you'll get $100. per week? Is that what you asked for? Did your lawyer agree to that amount?
So, the son now has temporary guardianship. I think that there must have been pretty compelling evidence for the court to suggest this.
My heart sinks for everyone in the family :(
Yes, this woman was horrible. Unfortunately, the elderly lady was taken advantage of by her neighbor. She left everything to this woman in her will. She made everyone think she was her friend. She deceived her and others. So sad. You should have seen how quickly she sold the contents of her home in a freakin garage sale. It made us sick to our stomachs to see how she disrespected Elizabeth, especially quickly cremating her. Then passing out spoons to put her ashes in Elizabeth’s beautiful rose garden. It was disgusting! My parents cried.
Elizabeth wasn’t active in her faith as a senior. She couldn’t go to her synagogue. She was too sick. She would have never wanted to be cremated. That is why she had her plot paid for. She had no living relatives to watch out for her well being. She never married. No children. She was in her 90’s.
Her home was sold too. My mom said she was going to haunt the neighbor who had her cremated, sold her beautiful belongings in a garage sale and spooned her into the garden. She didn’t have any clergy present for her fiasco! Of course she didn’t call Elizabeth’s Rabbi!
I siggest you tesearch in home care providers and have a primary preferred provider and 2 back ups. While these companies do background checks, many employees are not skilled and are self seeking. The homemakers are poorly paid.
On the other hand my GF thought he was totally competent to care for himself & his wife. For years he did so, but it revealed their recent 'flu' was food poisoning. He could not see mold on food and walls of the fridge. He kept driving and nearly hit a police officer directing traffic. Fortunately every one in the small town knew his car and got out of his way or there would have been more accidents.
The court may have appointed you a lawyer, but you can choose a different attorney if you don't feel well represented.
I agree with what others have shared. The neuro- psych tests are very very good at identifying specific types of neuro deficits! Our brains and self image can decieve us. It is akin to the alcoholic who thinks they don't have a problem. So trust these experts! Some illnesses as well as medications can impact consistent competency! Some tests can indicate a cause, others only the effect. I jave a Masters in this field, so I know of what I speak.
My neighbor hired private caretakers for her mom, nut one of them stole money, inflated her billing, and then isolated the mother from family, friends & neighbors, including filling false chatges with police on anyone she suspect had called to report Elder Abuse.
Another agency that was heavily advertising in the area had Supervising RN that wanted higher...more expensive...levels of care and reported the daughter as neglegent. Tirned out it was a sibling who was involved behind the scenes and got Mom to change her will & Trust 6 weeks before she died...long after 'professional service providers' said she was not competent to be in her home.
A wise friend of mine, my mother's generation decided a year ago to sell her home of 45 years and moved to a Condo. She has mafe new friends. Can walk to the heart of the town she has lived in all her life, and to the train for special events. So be open to adapting your life, to simplify as you age.
Our thoughts and prayers are with you.
I can agree with this statement, as it can/does happen to many people. Mom's "self image" was clearly distorted by dementia. She would always tell everyone she was fine, could take care of herself, was independent and could cook. Select D) None of the above.
HOWEVER, in this woman's case, she seems quite coherent and capable.
Does it strike anyone else as being odd that mom can get through selling a car AND a house, plus buying or renting a new place and moving, but when the big fat check is about to come through, suddenly mom isn't capable and must have a guardian??? Selling a house is no easy task nor is buying/renting!!!
If she bought a new home, consider the fact that at least the down payment would need to be paid BEFORE the proceeds from the sale were available, as the check from the sale was diverted to a legal trust before she could cash it, due to all the last minute guardianship crap. Even if she is renting, that requires first/last/security, which is a big chunk of change too, so clearly she has some decent assets. Sniff. Sniff. Snnnnniiiiffffff....
I still smell a large control freak at work.
It is truly sad for the entire family, old and lonely and her children, heartbreaking...
I wish we would have known to pursue it further. I think everyone was in pure shock over what happened.
If Karma is real this woman will be in trouble. That’s for sure! Elizabeth was one of the sweetest women I knew.
She always had cookies for the neighborhood children. She was an extremely independent woman. In her younger days she owned her own boutique in the French Quarter. Smart as a whip! She had an entire wall of books that she read. My children loved her just as I had loved her as a child.
You sound completely “with it.” Maybe you need a better lawyer, one who specializes in elder law, including the laws surrounding elder abuse? Your daughter seems to be the problem here, if I’m understanding you correctly.
I would think that if you are competent to handle your own affairs, it’s not her business what you spend at the dollar store or anywhere else. Does she worry about your readiness to go into a long term care facility if the necessity ever arises?
My husband and I consulted an elder law attorney today about planning for long term care, and she answered a lot of questions about things we had been worried about.
How many of us "kids" have been in that situation?
Even though my Dad was pretty much with it, I didn't want him to drive a car mainly because his reaction time had become very slow. Plus he was starting to deal with age related eye issues.
Daddy was sick with cancer, then heart issues, then his stroke and he didn’t argue about not driving. I have friends that had to take the keys away and that has to be a tough situation. I’m glad I didn’t have to deal with any of that.
I dated a guy with one arm. He lost his in a motorcycle accident years before I met him.
A light post had fallen in the street and it was nighttime so he couldn’t see it. He flipped the bike. He went flying off the bike, his arm was amputated in the hospital. He had an artificial arm but years ago they were clunky and he hated it so he didn’t wear it.
My dad put the fear of God in me about motorcycles so I never rode on them. So many horrible motorcycle accidents. My brother who is dead, survived a horrible motorcycle accident. They always terrified me. No protection, you and the pavement! A helmet won’t always save you.
I have steel rods rods in my arm from a bicycle accident years ago
so bicycles are not always safe either. I loved cycling!
Ironically, same thing happened to me as my old boyfriend. I didn’t see debris in street and I hit it, down I went. An angel, I swear this guy was an angel that stopped to help me and called 911 for me. He even waited until the ambulance got there, took my bike back to my house. He was a sweetheart. People like him restore our faith in humankind.