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We are in a similar situation except my husband did the opposite and sold our home and moved us in with her. 27 acres and a home that was in need of repairs. My MIL is aweful...early dementia and wont get help...multiple personalities...she still sees my husband of 26yrs as her "baby boy" and he needs to take care of her. We butt heads daily and it has caused distance with my husband and I as well as our 14yr old daughter. My husband and I work and High school for daughter...sports...our life is still 20 miles away with work and school...the move was a bad idea.. but nothing I can do now. MIL will not do anything she says about giving us space and going to her daughters which is 10 minutes away...we used to have time just the 3 of us..but MIL has decided she needs to be part of EVERYTHING...now she is treating me like an outcast child and I don't have any patience left for her...
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notrydoyoda Dec 2019
Sounds like your husband needs to decide who he is married to emotionally speaking that is. In your situation, parents often revert to the adult child's childhood and treat them like a child. I hate to say this, but I could not stand this situation very long at all, but would calmly leave with the daughter for our own peace and sanity and hope that would wake him up. I wish you the best.
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Evidently she is terrified and lonely and perhaps has some dementia. You keep saying NO, NO. And what you must do, secretly, is start finding a suitable assisted living place for her. Then somehow, and this will be hard, you will have to take her out to lunch or find some way to get her there, possibly with some outside help in the car with you. You just tell her when you get there, you want to visit someone (yes, you are visiting the workers, etc.) and bring her in. They should be prepared to handle what happens next.). You will never make her understand and bringing her to you will most likely cause harm to your own situation. Don't do it. And why are you guilty that you lose it. She is pushing your buttons and you are human in reacting. She must be made to understand and if she doesn't and starts up, don't argue or speak. Just get up immediately and walk out of the door. This is the only way to save your sanity. There will be fights if you attempt to make her see the light. It will never happen.
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HelpPlease1963 Dec 2019
Thank you so much
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I’m so sorry you are going thru this. Something that helps me create emotional distance from my mom is to view her as “ an older person who is not my mom.”
this accomplished the emotional distance b/c I wouldn’t yell at an old person. I would be able to be more patient and repetitive without getting sucked into the crazy.
im sure you have your reasons for shielding your husband, but maybe he can run some interference- if it does not hurt your relationship.
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HelpPlease1963 Dec 2019
Thank you and your idea in looking at my mother as someone I really don’t know. You are right . I don’t know this person she has become . For me and my mind . I think that will help me so much . I told my mother , that I would die first before burdening my husband with all of these antics . It would just hurt him and us . I’m vague with him. He had to deal with some unpleasant things with his mother , and it was very hard on him . I will protect him at all costs . I’ll tell him a few things every once in a while. Thanks again
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I am not trying to be callous about your situation. I will get right to it. Your mom needs help with anxiety and depression from a psychiatrist. They can help greatly. The being scared part is over thinking and worrying.
Please take this the right way. You don't have to give up your life to make your mom's wishes come true. I have seen too many marriages and families broken up by a elderly parent moving in. You have to put up boundaries with mom or you'll wind up being the 24/7 caregiver with no job.
I love my mom as we all love our parents or we wouldn't be in this forum. She needs love and care like we all do but you can't ignore your family or yourself. She needs to socialize with her own age group. Church? Community senior programs?
I answer you with alot of experience in this area. Sometimes the answer is no.
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HelpPlease1963 Dec 2019
Yes, the answer is no and thank you . This forum is such a big help because I really do feel alone in this since no none my circles are going through this .
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Try to redirect the subject. When you know it's going to come up try to talk about something else or give her an activity to do to keep her busy.
You might want to say a little white lie like we are 5rying to get things ready for you. It really depends on how far the disease has progressed.
See if you can take a Caregiver class, the class I took was given through our Elder Option program. They discuss that kind of matter and also ask her doctor.
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HelpPlease1963 Dec 2019
Thank you
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Does your county/town offer senior citizen services. They often take them shopping at least once a week and various outings throughout the year. There is a slight fee, at least in my county, but it creates friendships and social interaction. It also gets them out of the house with more stimulation and exercise. It can make all the difference. I do not know how mobile your mom is or what health issues but it is worth a try.

Best of luck. My mom is a couple weeks shy of 89 and we (includes husband and 2 college aged girls) moved in with her about 3 years ago. It has been difficult to say the least. She is limited in her English and refuses or can't keep in touch with any friends and family. She wants me in the house with her 24/7 especially when it gets dark. Her mind is broken and all I can do is change my behavior toward her. It has taken me a while but I pay for help and when we go away the aide will sleep over. I refuse to be her everything but I am no longer living just for her needs. My brother and his wife have not taken any measure to help or give us a break so I spend her money on her needs. She deserves to be a person and treated as such. It is sad for all involved, but you must do what works for you and your husband.

Blessings
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HelpPlease1963 Dec 2019
Thank you . It is sad for everyone.
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Have you thought of taking her to a Senior Day Care. There are many of them and they might have one in the Senior Home you mentioned. They are wonderful for someone that is lonely or afraid to be alone. They have different activities, she might like, along with serving her lunch. My SIL attended one and enjoyed it.
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HelpPlease1963 Dec 2019
Thank you
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Your situation With your mother is similar to mine. My mother lived alone 400 miles away. When my sister passed away, she bought a house and moved to the same city as me my husband and me.

She was sick with a couple hospitalizations immediately. I visited her daily for several hours to get her house set up. When she complained of being lonely and afraid to be alone. We decided to sell her home and she would live with us. She was so demanding and wanted me in her room all the time. She was constantly yelling for me to do something for her or stay in her room even when she was sleeping!

I finally got her moved to AL but she hates it. She has fallen twice, is bedridden, can’t feed herself, wears disposable underwear, placed with hospice and still asks to move back to our house. I go twice a day to feed her. My hope in moving her to AL was for her to have a better quality of life and make friends but that hasn’t happened. She is still alone most of the time. Nurses come in to bring food and medicine. She has a shower aid twice a week. She refused showers at my house. A social worker visits once a week and hospice nurse twice a week. Her health is declining and there is no way I can manage so that is what I tell her. She still begs and pleads with me saying she will do better. It is sad but I can’t give in.

I’m considering a move to a NH where she will have a roommate and closer monitoring. I hesitate moving her bc her health is rapidly declining.

my recommendation is to not move your mother into your home. She would probably want or need more and more of your time. Good luck to you in finding a compromise so you both can enjoy each other’s company. Hugs!
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HelpPlease1963 Dec 2019
Thank you and good luck with your mom . It is so hard for everyone.
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Yup, my Mother moved in 29 years ago. Now she is totally dependent on me,(I am an only child also) has Louie body Dementia, she is 91. She can only eat for herself and sleep, I do everything else, I had to leave my job to be her caregiver 24/7/365. She doesn’t understand she can’t walk so I must watch her make sure she doesn’t get up cause she will fall, she has absolutely no balance. I diaper, bathe, dress, give her food, she sits and watches TV, and she doesn’t try to use the remote, I have tried so many times to show her. I have to go in there and do it. I can’t sit with her cause she starts about going home, you see I have become her sister, she has never been married has no kids. Doesn’t know who her granddaughters are, and going home she thinks her parents are living, I figured it’s the 1930’s she talking about. This goes on daily. The worst part is of all of this is I must take her with me if I go out, I cannot leave her alone. I have canceled many appointments like dental, eye doctor etc.
if the appointment can’t be on a Tuesday, my husbands day off I cannot go. I have no social life, I cannot attend parties, weddings etc. my daughters help when they can, but she gives them a hard time. I treat her as a child, they cannot bring themselves to do this.
So my friend do not allow her to move in!
I do do have one relief when we go on vacation she goes in respite for 2 weeks. You don’t know how good that is.
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Maryjann Dec 2019
I hope you can schedule more respite. You sound totally burned out. I'm sorry.
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Read the answers below - and then read them again and again until you get the idea into your head.

Your mother needs a life and you're the only one that can make it happen.

What to tell her? You tell her that it is time for some form of assisted living so she won't be alone and lonely. It will cost money - but your mother is in need now.

Read all the answers below me one more time - they're all saying the right things.
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HelpPlease1963 Dec 2019
Thank you
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I have crazy idea. Some may not agree with this. Not sure how much your mom remembers but would it work to tell her you will consider it or that you are making plans/changes to have her move in? That way she is hopeful and you don't have to get mad or frustrated.
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HelpPlease1963 Dec 2019
Thank you ; she still has a good memory. Better mine .
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Compassion patience understanding love repeat. As others have responded- your mother is depressed bored and very very lonely. I commend you on your every other day visits. You are a frustrated and very caring daughter. Yet it’s time to make a change and for the two of you to have some fun. My suggestion is to get her out of the house at least 2-3 days a week. Plan activities. Get her a calendar and write down planned activities so she can see what she has coming up to do. It gives her a purpose. Discuss what outfit of clothing she will wear to these activities make it fun. Yes it does take lots of effort and research on your part to find activities. It’s so worth it. Go with her. Go out to lunch join a women’s club together take short shopping trips to the mall then a bite to eat visit little boutiques go to the grocery store let her peruse the isles. Please do something anything to get this lonely woman out of the house. Are there musical events of her liking a symphony perhaps that you could get tickets to or a play an interesting lecture bingo ? where you can enjoy an evening together? Perhaps on occasion your husband or one of your friends could join the two of you. Mix it up. It’s wonderful that you‘re available to help her around the house it’s so important to lift the burden of those responsibilities from her shoulders. Ask what can I do for you Mom. Let her know she is not in this life alone and you hear her. I do hear and fully understand your frustration believe me. I believe getting her out of the house will help both you and your mom. Help her socialize and you be the conduit to introducing her and talking with new people. Then once home she will welcome the quietness of her home and it will tire her out. I believe you will find that a day out or a social activity will hold her over until the next outing. A broken brain could be early-stage dementia so she does need an evaluation. She may have a UTI. Perhaps phrase the conversation with it’s time for your annual checkup. That her annual check up is overdue that you care about her and want to make sure that she is healthy because you love her. Always spin what you say with positivity a genuine concern and a smile. I know it can be difficult and again I hear your frustration in your plea to this forum for help. I believe you said you’re a teacher and work with children so I believe you can do this for your mother. You will not regret it. She will not be around forever. Please make her last years of life enjoyable make memories together. Take pictures and selfie‘s of your activities. Have fun with her. Does she have an iPad? An iPhone? Help her to learn to surf the Internet or set her up on Facebook. BTW your husband sounds like a wonderful understanding and caring man I believe seeking out new activities to do with your mom will please him as well. Try the social route first change the routine. It may be all she needs to have a change of scenery and some people interaction with your help. You may just hear her cries to move in with you settle down. So perhaps it’s not time for assisted-living and for her to move out of her house. Those are big steps for a lady who was vibrant and mowing her own lawn just a year ago. Let us know how it works for you. I pray that it does. Compassion love understanding and please help her socialize then repeat. This routine worked for my late Dad and is currently working for my Mom. I hope it helps you and your Mom. Thanks for reading.
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HelpPlease1963 Dec 2019
Thank you so much for your input.
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Just wondered, have you taken her to the ALF? They may have an arrangement where you can tour and have lunch. My mother threw a fit at first but lives it now. If not how about a senior center? She probably is lonely.
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HelpPlease1963 Dec 2019
Thank you
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My mother is in an AL 1/2 mile from my house. The activities they have are wonderful. She barely stays in her room. Move your mom to AL. She needs company and activity!
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Mother is on her own & maybe lonely. She's getting overwhelmed? Anxious? Depressed?
She thinks moving in with you in the answer.
So she nags to move in.
Result: Both unhappy: you are uncomfortable & Mother is still alone.

If somehow she could see what the real options open to her are - I see them as: 1. staying home with more home help & join more senior groups or 2. move to AL. Probably enjoy the social activities once she got used to it. Option of your place not an option. Choose 1 or 2. Maybe try 1, review, if not right, go for 2. Everyone wins. Mother being looked after. You both have your own lives. Easy. Nope - wish it was...

A third party like a Doctor, Church Leader or other professional she trusts may be able to introduce plan 1 or 2 to her so that she *hears*.
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HelpPlease1963 Dec 2019
Thank you
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Perhaps a Paid part Time AIDE can Come in and Help with this. Explain to Mom, It is not Possible, It would Never Work.xx
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Here's the deal...from what you have stated...you visit her daily for 90 minutes and it’s ground hog day every time. Do you see the pattern here? Why do you need to go daily? Part of the reason she doesn’t have a need to go to an ALF is she has you coming daily. You do not need to go so often. Set strong boundaries and go maybe twice a week. And if she calls you after work and it’s only complaints, tell her, mom if you’re going to complain or "repeat the same request" I’m going to hang up now. Or another option don’t answer the phone. The more she is on her own and you are not available the easier it may be to get her to try out AL.
you say she refuses a doctor...I’m going to say she needs one! All the signs and symptoms point to depression, obsessive thinking and likely start of dementia. Based on her past history of illness it’s quite likely. You might just go ahead and make her an appointment, and then give her an ultimatum. Mom we’re going to visit a doctor to help you feel happier and if you won’t go and help yourself, then you leave me no choice but to stop visiting. I can’t take your behavior anymore as it’s stressing me out. Or something similar.
if that doesn’t work, then I’m sorry but you are going to have to distance yourself from her. And like you said when she falls or gets ill enough for a hospital visit, things might change.
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HelpPlease1963 Dec 2019
Thank you
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I like the idea of : mom you can not move in with us until you see a doctor - what do you think she would say to this suggestion?
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HelpPlease1963 Dec 2019
Thank you but I can’t promise that and then not . That wouldn’t work but thank you again .
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Hello. I wondered why she couldn't move in with you. I would want to be clear about the whys. Protecting your husband...really?Why not do a test drive. Have her come over a few days at a time (even if it's once in a while) and see how you ALL fare. She may want to go back home, as the elderly often do not like change. You mention God...it is a commandment to honor your parents. Plus what you give of self comes back 1000 fold. I relocated to Puerto Rico from Chicago 15 yrs ago to care for mom. Mom is 99 and has Alzheimers. After my father died she would complain on the phone about being alone. I put myself in her shoes. Having left everything behind....my children, friends' great job...I have no regrets. I have been rewarded with good health and peace of mind. Nothing lasts forever..she IS 86. God bless you and good luck.
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bigsispjt Dec 2019
A parent moving in could be disastrous. Helping her find activities of her own may be the answer.
My mother refuses to participate in the activities in her building and prefers to watch television ALL DAY. The t.v. volume and 50-year-old programs make visits challenging at times. I go visit her twice a week, but call everyday. It takes two people to lift her wheelchair so we take her out about once a month for shoes or dinner. My physical limitations prevent me from lifting it. We bought a scooter now we just need to get a lift for my car.
I still work and travel for work. I had to establish boundaries.

My siblings live on the opposite coast, but I'm grateful my daughter and granddaughter visit at least once or twice a month as well.
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You're doing great holding the line.

Sounds like a caregiver support group or therapist with aging specialties can help you balance your own needs, learn strategies for coping.

In our situation, we have a social worker who advises and listens and also visits the senior.

Perhaps its time for Dr. Appt. to determine what's up. And a caregiver/friend who can help get your mom out of the house to senior activities.

But she probably won't listen to you which is why I recommend geriatric Dr. appt. where the Dr. can prescribe caregiver visits and activities and let the Dr. know what is happening and that ur mom needs to hear these recommendations from Dr.

One of the best ways to get yourself off that hook is to head out of town for an extended period. With lots of advanced notice, set up a friend or professional caregiver to visit while you are gone. (Of course u meet, vet and your mom meets and vets caregiver in advance. )

We set up caregiver and computer teacher and friends to stop in so she was never lonely...worked great. We were gone 4 weeks.

Interrupting her daily rut with new people and new routines can help. But a medical diagnosis might be in order before you do this.

Im often surprised that elder care/assisted living homes don't conduct more outreach to area seniors. i.e. events/activities for local seniors to interact and meet. They would make friends with residents and then want to move in with their friends.

It takes a long time to transition an elder to caregivers or new living situations, so expect a year or longer transition time. The longest sell in the world...lol.

Good luck! Let us know how it goes!
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HelpPlease1963 Dec 2019
Thank you so so much for your ideas . Much appreciated
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People suggesting u tour ALs and bring her brochures made me laugh. My BIL was MILs POA because he lived the closest. For years he tried to get her into an IL or AL. He took her the brochures and he said as soon as she saw the white/gray haired people on the cover she said "thats a place for old people". She was in her late 80s.
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HelpPlease1963 Dec 2019
I got ya; that is funny sometimes. Basically, my mother is lonely, and she has outlived her friends, family, and most usefulness. A shame. I appreciate your input.
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I have the most STUBBORN aunt in the world! Fought a long, hard battle with her to go to Assisted Living. Long story short, I managed to get her into one. Took her a few months to settle in, but she likes it there now and has made several friends with whom she eats all her meals. She participates in some of the activities.

So, take your mom to visit some places.

When she starts her "I wanna move in with you" bit, tell her NO.
No is a complete sentence.
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HelpPlease1963 Dec 2019
Thank you for your input. I am a teacher, and I'm use to saying No to children. Doesn't bother me a bit. I am working on telling my mother No. It is hard. Sometimes, I hope that something happens to get her to the hospital or doctor, nothing major, so as to get some help getting her in to an AL. Thanks again.
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She has fear about aging and being alone. She feels safe with you. It’s fear of the unknown. I don’t think that is all that unusual. Transitional times are tough. They take time to process. Even if a person is agreeable moving to a new place is an adjustment.

You have told her that she cannot move in. You have told her that she can move into assisted living. Go tour some places. That will ease your stress to have a couple of facilities selected as a prospective future home for her.

Ask for extra brochures. Let her look at them at her leisure. Trust me, they all want your business. Hate to put it that way, but the caring for elderly is a huge business! When I went on several tours they never let up with inviting mom and I to lunches, dinners, parties, all types of functions! Hopefully your mom will join you. My mom never wanted to go anywhere, not even to the senior community center.

Best wishes to you and your mom. It’s a challenge!
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HelpPlease1963 Dec 2019
Thank you for your input. It is a challenge. I just have to get use to this once, strong willed woman, beg me daily to move in and that she says she is so alone. I just keep praying and helping her the best I can. Thanks again.
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you should call and plead for ideas from me -- so i could hang up the phone on you .
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Beatty Dec 2019
Sometimes I love your answers... but sometimes I am just confused... ???

And I'm always picturing Mrs Muir calling out "Captain?" with a puzzled look.
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HelpPlease, I think before you can figure out how to move forward you need to know for sure what your mother's cognitive status is. I read below that she refuses to see the doctor. If I were in your situation, I would tell her that before you'd even consider her moving in, she needs to first have a full medical check-up (and can include a discrete cognitive exam and test for UTI) and get all her legal documents taken care of (PoA, Medical Release forms, Medical Directive, will, etc). Of course, you have no intention of moving her in with you. This "therapeutic fib" is to do something in her best interest that will allow you to help her in other important ways.

Once you know facts you can make better decisions that are more realistic and compassionate for her. I'm an only child also. My mom's been single all my life. I get it. Good luck!
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cherokeegrrl54 Dec 2019
Awesome suggestions!!!!
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If I were you, I would start taking her to one of the senior day centers associated with one of the local assisted living facilities. Start getting her used to going there. Start getting her involved with activities there.

spend less time with her, but make it trips to the senior center. Then, start leaving her there for full days...pick up at end of day, so she is eating lunch there.

once you can get her involved and meeting people...I think you might find the resistance fading with time. But, she will have outings, and save you time too...instead of spending 1-2 hours with her...it is just drop off and pick up once you get her into that routine,
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HelpPlease1963 Dec 2019
thank you for your input
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Stop visiting so much! Tell mother you'll see her once a week or twice a week for an hour and when she starts carrying on, it's time for you to leave. Period. It's a no-win situation for both of you when the dialogue goes south, so why hang around when you know you'll start yelling & then feel badly afterward? I'm in the same situation with my mother, so when things heat up, I get OUT of there.

I agree with Dolly..........tour some ALs, pick 2 that you like, and take her for a visit. Let her pick one and that's it. She's not moving in with you so that's not an option no matter HOW much she carries on. Here ARE the options, mom: AL #1 or AL #2.

She'll probably enjoy AL living!

Good luck!
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HelpPlease1963 Dec 2019
Thank you. So if you don't mind me asking, what are you experiencing with your mother?
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Has she been evaluated for dementia? What do I know, but seems like it could be part of the problem here.

You say she has a broken brain. This is often what people say about dementia patients.

Since you keep having the same conversation over and over, you have to plan ahead and decide how you're going to deal with it so that you don't get upset.

No, mom, I'm sorry but you can not move in with me. I agree that you should not be living here alone anymore. I think it's time for you to move into an assisted living facility where you will not be lonely anymore.

Don't argue, don't get upset, stay matter-of-fact. Take her to visit some local facilities.

How about a local senior center, etc.? Day care facility so she has people to be with for the day??
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HelpPlease1963 Dec 2019
Thank you. I think depression/anxiety and perhaps the beginning stages of dementia. She can't make a decision for anything. She does her own check book. I sit beside of her and she can subtract in her head.
She remembers everything so I really don't think that is it. She won't go to a doctor, etc.
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I think you have given her the option I was going to suggest. She has refused it. At some point she will not be able to do it on her own and will HAVE to take that option. Somehow she thinks she can wear you down. I think you have gently to repeat that you did explain to her that moving in with you is not an option. That you are sorry, but it will not work for you and your family.
You say that you are trying to protect your husband from this. Is he not supportive of you? Of your Mom? Because I understand that he may not want her to move in with you, but I don't understand that he cannot support you and speak with you about how hard this is on you. That is part of what a husband and wife do, support one another.
I think one reason this is so difficult for you is that you are not recognizing and accepting that everything in life cannot be fixed, that to some things there is no good answer, that you are a human being with limitations, not a Saint. Saints end shot through with arrows, and spending eternity trying to fix everything for everyone. It is a hopeless task and a bad job description.
Recognize that there is nothing you can do. You ARE doing what you can do. Give the options to Mom as you have already. Gently repeat them. Change the subject. Your Mom should be evaluated for depression, and for dementia, and you should get paperwork in place to act on her behalf in the future.
Sorry. Wish I had answer. Wish I had them for you, for me, and for all of us. But some things are just painful, and without a perfect answer. That's life? Am I right. On any given day, that's just life. It is so very painful to hear someone say "I am so afraid" and to feel that you SHOULD/you COULD fix it. But the truth is that you cannot. Sooner that you can accept that in your own head, the better. So very sorry for all this pain.
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HelpPlease1963 Dec 2019
Thank you so much for your prophetic words. Yes, I have a wonderful husband. I am trying to protect him, and I guess me too in that he went through something kinda of like this but my mother's situation is worse. She like to have driven him crazy. I don't want to bring in this situation too much. He asks every day and I say "Walter Cronkite", which means that's the way that it is. When my mother is around him, she acts pretty normal. After she leaves or we leave her house, my husband says that your mom looked okay to me, are you sure you are not exaggerating. I say, you don't have to see or talk to her daily.
She is worse in the mornings. Hard for her to get going, and that is when she mostly starts with all of the complaining. It is less as the day progresses. She doesn't sleep much. Just lays around ruminating. My father died with cancer 15 years ago. He was sick on and off for 28 years of my life. I was use to him having health problems. My mother is physically healthy, except for weight loss. It is just her brain. Sometimes, I wish something would happen, not too bad, to get her to the hospital, so I can get some help for her.
Anyway, thanks for being a listening ear.
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Do you or she have a church that you belong to? If so, is there someone from church that could maybe visit her every so often? Some places of worship do have outreach programs for and visit the elderly and homebound. Something like that might give your mom a new friend or friends to look forward to, and they might even have activities that she could join in. It does sound like she's depressed, and that could be because of the dementia/broken brain.

Could you call her primary doctor and just let them know your concerns? If you're not on your mom's authorized list, they cannot divulge info to you about mom's chart, but they can make note of info that you give them.

As far as what to tell your mom, you might just say, (when she talks about moving in with you), "You know I can't do that, but I am here to help you now." Then maybe try changing the subject or turning on the TV if there is a program she likes to watch, something that might help distract her from thinking about that.

You are definitely not a bad person. It does get frustrating when they get fixated on an idea or thing, and it just repeats over and over. It's because they're afraid, but still doesn't make it easier to deal with. My mom used to get fixated on things too, and sometimes distracting her did work, at least for those moments, and then inevitably I would have to try it again. Hugs, hang in there and remember to take care of you too.
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