Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
1 2 3
Try taking your mom on a few tours of assisted living. They will provide a lunch. It will be a nice outing. It is only going to get worse from here on in. Tell her again that moving in with you is not an option so this is the best alternative.

I know how you feel about such a change. I was watching old movies of my father just a few years ago. He was vibrant at 88. At 92 he is just existing, not living.
Helpful Answer (14)
Report

I would suggest that you tour several homes, pick out two or three that you think would be a good fit. Most offer lunches for potential residents along with their tour, let them pitch her.

My mother fought moving into one too, now that she is there now, she loves it.

As for her insistence to move in with you, just keep doing what you are doing...saying NO....I would just hang up or leave when she starts, keep your boundaries in place.
Helpful Answer (21)
Report
BBS2019 Dec 2019
A lot of people who resist AL eventually decide to move and they find they really enjoy being there. They are no longer isolated and there is always "help" if something happens. AL facilities have programs and activities all day long every day. It's sometimes overwhelming. But it's an excellent realistic option for seniors who have health issues, are isolated or no longer can drive.
(5)
Report
Could you maybe sell your mother on the social aspects of assisted living? I've read lots of posts here about elders being more social at facilities where activities are planned and there are other elders to socialize with and many have meals together, etc. One time I even saw a post about a mother who met a boyfriend in assisted living, and the daughter caught them in the shower together! Lol. Okay that maybe rare but the increased socialization is not.

My mom isolates and will only socialize with me. Won't even go to the senior center because she doesn't want to be around "old people". I get the complaints, but so far no requests to move in, then again I am right next door already in a condo!

Whatever happens, stand your ground! Have you tried telling her that if she makes the request to move in with you again that you will come around less often? And then do exactly that?
Helpful Answer (11)
Report

She refuses to see a doctor?

If she refuses to help herself, don't beat yourself up for not doing more for her.
Helpful Answer (17)
Report
rovana Dec 2019
Is it possible that mom associates counseling with mental illness and thinks she would be stigmatized by getting counseling? I've known quite a few older people who have this antiquated attitude.  They simply do not understand that mental illness is just a health problem and not a crime.
(5)
Report
Even even if your mother moved in with you, she would be lonely since you work. My mother moved into an independent living facility with activities going on all the time. That satisfied her need to be around other people all the time, and gave her things to do.
Helpful Answer (18)
Report
PowerOf3 Dec 2019
That’s what I would have pointed out. Moving in would accomplish nothing than her being lonely at your house plus the added stress on your household, watching the decline, taking on a literal shitshow in most cases so most people won’t blame you one bit for not allowing her to reside with you.
Try watching some YouTube videos on her disease and HANDLING her... the different types and stages will assist you when you do get her to a dr, and yes you need to make her go, it’s imperative in establishing what you can expect as it progresses and help you plan effectively for future placement... hanging up and snapping doesn’t do either of you any good because she maybe doesn’t remember even asking you once let alone 5 times a day.
Ive been short, I’ve been snappy and many of us here will admit it but getting educated is key in my opinion. I think Teepa Snow explains the types very well and I found a VA Hospital video that help you understand that her “very real feelings” are valid TO HER and how to handle those without losing your mind or taking her dignity either.
I bet if “it was her idea to visit facilities yesterday” (hint hint) you may visit a couple since you made appts to visit... perhaps she doesn’t remember that 24/7 care and socializing was the best choice you two came up with regarding her loneliness yesterday 😉 I think in many cases her short term memory will be first to go so use that to your advantage maybe? And try not to be impatient if you can help it, you’ll just feel bad later.
good luck and please get educated it helped me 110% within an hour or so I promise
huggs
(5)
Report
Barb - "...part of the broken-ness of a brain with dementia is a shortage of the chemicals that make it possible for people to be content, not obsess and not ruminate." That really got me thinking about my FIL, who cannot be content, obsesses and ruminates. The chemical shortage is a lot to grasp, and also a little confusing because FIL showtimes up a storm. (And it's Academy Award-worthy showtiming!) Is showtiming the ability to set aside feelings of discontent, etc.? What is at the root of showtiming?

HelpPlease1963 - As for your mother constantly asking to move in with you, first off just take 2-3 deep breaths. Deep breathing removes a lot of stress. Keep your answer on point and repeat as necessary. Learn to say something like: "Mother, the answer is no. You are stressing me out by refusing to even consider the very nice retirement/AL/NH facility in our area. I cannot help you if you don't meet me half way."

Sadly, trying to communicate with someone who has dementia is like lather-rinse-repeat. Their obsessions work us up into a lather. We come up with something to rinse them away temporarily. And we end up repeating the cycle at the next visit.

You can't control your mother but you can control yourself. Have you noticed a pattern in when during your 90-minute visits with your mother she starts with the "I want to move in with you" schtick?
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

Your mother sounds depressed. Has she been evaluated for depression?

There are meds that can help.

As you say, her brain is broken; part of the broken-ness of a brain with dementia is a shortage of the chemicals that make it possible for people to be content, not obsess and not ruminate.

Please get her seen by a geriatric psychiatrist or neurologist soon!
Helpful Answer (12)
Report
HelpPlease1963 Dec 2019
I would love for her to but she refuses. I sometimes wonder if it is the beginning of dementia. She surely can remember. She remembers everything. She said she lays in bed thinking about all the stuff that she has or hasn't done in her life. We sold some things (junk) several years ago, and she wants all of it back. The aging process is STUPID!
(10)
Report
See 1 more reply
1 2 3
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter