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He may die from neglect, so I hope you find someplace or someone to care for him whether she wants it or not. Good luck.
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JJ, is there any update on your father's care situation?
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Freqflyer, the part about resentment makes real sense to me. My mother was AWFUL to my father when he got out of the hospital after his stroke. He had heart and blood pressure issues, and she would start arguments and keep arguing with him even when he turned blue. I told her that a spice pack she wanted to use was too salty for the diet the doctor had given him, so she used two of them and poured ladles of it over his meat. Later, when he nearly died from the heart issue, she wept that she never believed he would ever die on her. She was better with him after that.
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My mother took no care of my father. Looking back, I really can't think why I supposed she would. She'd never in her life taken effective care of anything else, human, animal or vegetable - why would she suddenly start in her old age?

I once, when very angry, pointed out to her that if she'd taken even the slightest notice my father might have received life-saving treatment before he dropped dead on a squash court at 71. I apologised immediately, because what I'd said to her was cruel and pointless. But the reason it was so cruel is that it was also true.

Stop wishing that your mother would turn into a capable, willing nurse. Are you geographically close enough to supervise their care? What did their doctor mean when he told your mother that she was not able to look after herself, either? - what are her medical/care needs?
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jjFlorida, sometimes a spouse will be in total denial that their love one has serious illnesses. And if they do realize it, they become scared, resentful, and angry. This is not how they had planned their retirement.

When it comes to diabetes, it is a complex illness, so your Mom may find it too confusing to understand, so she sweeps it under the rug. Thus if she ignores this, maybe it will go away.

My own Mom I believe was still under the impression that my Dad was still in his 40's instead of being in his 90's. She would still do a "honey-do" list for him which would include climbing ladders and doing electrical work. Dad use to be able to do those things quickly but no longer at his age.

One time my Dad fell on his driveway and got a huge bump on his head. Mom thought an ice pack and a good lunch would do the trick. Once I found out about the fall, noticed that Dad was too wobbly to take him to urgent care, I called 911.
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Your mom can refuse the nurse's care for help with her own care.  I don't think she has any basis, or legal right, to refuse care for your father.

Have you considered a call to Adult Protective Services?
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What standing does mom have for refusing care for dad? Find an Assisted Living Facility and move dad in. I'm assuming dad is able to access his funds to pay?

Is mom mentally ill, or does she have dementia?
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Why doesn't the doctor order assisted living for dad? Let mom alone.

This is so tragic. I take it that this was not a functional marriage before Dad got so ill?
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