My grandmother is 93. If you talk to her on the phone she sounds great and will tell you everything is fine. I went to visit her recently. It's not fine. Her husband (87) has early Alzheimer's and is pretty sedentary. The apartment they live in is full of trash and old food containers. Piles of dirty laundry everywhere b/c Nana is actually too short to reach into her washing machine. The place is filthy and looks like hoarders liver there.
After talking with her for a while it became clear that she's extremely paranoid of anyone coming in to help her, is pretty sure everyone is out to get her (including the management at the apartment) and is also pretty sure this is all because she's "a woman.' She's confused about a lot of things and can't give you a straight answer on any question concerning her health, state of her home, meals etc. Another very disconcerting issue is that nether of them ever answer the phone or call you back. I live 4h away from them and don't know if something's happened to them for days at a time until I can by chance get one of them on the phone.
It's a bad situation and it's not healthy. They can't really take care of themselves and I'm not sure how they are getting meals. They had me take them out to eat the whole time I was there. I have one uncle left who's not able to travel and lives in another state, which leaves me to handle (or not) this situation. I love my grandmother but I don't have a clue how to convince her that she and her hubs need help. Any thoughts?
Time to call APS like already mentioned and let them come out and do an assessment and take over things from there, as no one should be living like that.
Both parties need to now be in a facility where they will receive the 24/7 care they require and be kept safe, so family members no longer have to worry about them.
I honestly hope you will make that call to APS, as someone has to step up and be the adult here, as your grandma can't any longer.
Sounds as though placement will be needed in near future.
Whomever is next of kin or POA should act to call now to open a case. If there is no POA I caution you as the grandchild not to take on two elders who WON'T be cooperative in getting care, diagnosis or proper placement. If their children cannot manage this allow/encourage the state to take on the management of these two and all the manipulation of finances to get them care. It's a massive job.
Do know that they have managed this long. Whomever was "responsible" to look in on all this has missed even the fact they cannot do their laundry for how long??? They may die amidst all this. Diagnosis and placement may give them another short amount of time to live in care they hate (or in some rare instances love), but not a lot will change. Somehow they have been managing to get food, cook, eat, and live in their home. APS will take all this in consideration and may do wellness checks and supply some supportive services.
It will help if you fill in your profile for us as a new member. Will allow us to answer you better in future if you stay around.
From your description it sounds like grandma may have undiagnosed dementia as well. Some of the things you describe are classic dementia behaviors.
If there is no family close and they do not have POA's assigned there is a good possibility that they will need to have a Guardian appointed.
Difficult task to do if you live close (as it can be a time consuming job) but almost impossible if you live far away. Options are to move them closer to where they can get the help they will need or allow the Court to appoint a Guardian. (That does limit your input as to their care)
You will not be able to convince her that she needs help so don't beat your head against a wall on that.
Your other option is to wait....you wait until something happens to one or the other and then you can step in and say....they are not safe at home. And if they are in the hospital you talk to the Discharge planner or Social Worker and they can help get the ball rolling for care.
If either is a Veteran you can check with the Veterans Assistance Commission or their State's Department of Veterans Affairs and they can help determine if the qualify for any benefits.
If neither of them have a PoA then no one other than the courts has any legal power to help them, anyway. If they do have a PoA then you should contact this person to alert them their condition. If you are their PoA then read the document to see what activates your authority.
But in the meantime, report them to APS.