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My mother fell, broke a hip, had surgery, spent two months in rehab and decided to go back to her home. Her care team told her to return home she would be required to have 24 hour care. We have been telling her that this care is a requirement to return home. She was discharged yesterday and immediately started in that she neither needs or wants anyone in her home. She is a one person assist to do most everything. I spent the day going in and out of her home to be sure things went smoothly. When the first shift change of help happened she started getting agitated. The second shift change came and she blew up. My phone started ringing at midnight with my mother screaming at me to get these people out of her house. Then she wanted me to move in with her. I got out of bed and drove to her house. When I arrived she unloaded on me say I was a liar and never told her she had to have help . I explained to her we had been telling her each day that to go home she needed care 24/7. I asked her if she remembered conversations with the social worker. She said I never paid any attention. I know today she will try to kick the care people out. She has a history of doing this too. After a fall several years ago she wouldn’t let the VNA nurses in the house. I am her POA, but the rehab didn’t invoke the healthcare proxy so she is making decisions. If the providers leave she will fall down. The social worker said she might invoke an order of protection and give the state control. My mother is a control freak and can get very nasty when she doesn’t get her way. I have contacted her attorney as well requesting to be removed as POA. I have endured her abuse going on two years. I have spent nearly every day with her in that time to be sure she was safe, but two falls in the last six months tell me that the rehab was correct in her needing care. I begged her to allow help in the home and always got no for an answer. Here we are now on day two of being home and she is giving the in home providers a terrible time. Her behavior is affecting my health too. I don’t know where to turn,

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This sounds like a very chaotic and stressful situation for you.

Does your mom understand that the alternative to having in-home care is a nursing home? She may not realize this. I'm not suggesting that you threaten her to get her to fall in line but maybe she doesn't understand the consequences of refusing help. I would imagine that the rehab facility she was in prior to coming home explained this to her.

Give the in-home care a little more time. Your mom may acclimate to it and even come to appreciate it. The agency you're using should be sending people who are especially kind and even-keeled and know how to make someone feel special. The agency will know who has special talents in one area or another.

This is day 2. Give it a chance. It may work itself out.
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JimL1953 Sep 2019
We started to prepare my mom from the beginning of August. I did printouts with large lettering she would be able to read stating exactly what we had to do in either situation. I stated in order to return home she had to have care 24/7. That was a requirement her care team made. The other option at the time was to stay where she was which was my choice,but because she was allowed to decide I knew it would be home. I knew in my gut that everything happening now would occur. I have calls into the social worker and attorney,but being a holiday weekend I doubt I will hear from either until tomorrow.
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Awful situation for you but I think you are approaching it absolutely spot-on perfectly. You first of all are not saying YOU will move in or SHE can move in, and that is WISE. You are also trying to get the POA taken away. I believe that you can do that. And I think it should be coordinated with the social worker. Let the state provide a guardian who will move Mom back into care. As you say, you have endured the abuse 2 years. That is quite enough. Whether for reasons of dementia or not, Mom is at present impossible to deal with. She will have to be dealt with but let it be NOT BY YOU. Throw yourself into the arms of the Social Worker. If that does not work, tell the Social Worker that you are resigning POA, walking away. And if you have to, do that. Whatever you do, do not move in with Mom or hear any suggestion that she move in with you.
Good luck and hope that you will keep us updated.
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rovana Aug 2019
It should be not too hard to resign POA - not as if Mom has to give permission. Just check that any legal steps you need to take are taken and POA is properly resigned.  Since she has not been declared incompetent, resigning POA should be relatively simple.
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I agree to let the State take over and step back. It sounds to me like Mom has gotten away with being a nasty, abusive tyrant for years and there’s no stopping her now. You have spent those years placating her, responding immediately to her rages (the midnight meltdown) and cleaning up her messes for her. In-home caregivers are in high demand and also in short supply. They can pick and choose their situations and don’t need to be in one that offers not much more than a difficult, combative and abusive client.

Explain to Mom that you are done. Finished. Kaput. What she chooses to do now with her life and recovery is up to her. Have your POA revoked so you will no longer be responsible for her if she takes flyers in her home. She has exhausted your good will and desire to help.
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your mother needs 24/7 care so unless you’re willing to stay home & supervise or have 2 separate live in caregivers ...she should be in SNF. She will probably fall again. & the cycle of surgery. Rehab...will continue.
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rovana Aug 2019
Sounds like OP knows mother needs 24/7 care and has arranged for caregivers, but mother drives them off. Unless she is declared incompetent, what can family do?
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I went through this with my mom, after she had back surgery last year. She was in a nursing home, complained, bitched at me to take her home... I caved took her home, had home healthcare, she kept pushes the appointments further and further till the company finally dropped her. She didn't want anyone in the house. When she finally wanted home healthcare, she was too weak to do the physical therapy . So now, she's back in the nursing home, this time, for good. As with your mom, if she keeps going on like this, she will end up in a nursing home, permanently. No if's, ands, buts about it. She NEEDS 24/7 care, weather that's at home or at a facility. I agree to get removed of being her POA. Have the state take over, I can understand if she has dementia or other mental idleness's, but if she is in her sound mind and the doctor has not declared her incompetent, then there's not much you can do for her at this point. You can't force anyone to get better, not even your own parents. Stay out of it. Get your name off the POA, ASAP ! And move on with your life. I wish you the best of luck .
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MargaretMcKen Sep 2019
Miku, this gives more explanation to your own thread. Your mother absorbed all your physical and emotional energy, and now you are feeling lost. Same thing for Jim (OP here). I have worked with clients who have had to cope with the Drama Queen stuff, and feel quite lost when it goes away. One more reason for you and Jim to draw a line in the sand so that you can get your lives back on a reasonable and realistic track.
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Hi,

My Mom has not had all those issues, but she is creating a huge toll on my sister's health as my sister stays with her and has for a long time. Mom does say some mean things. I don't take them too seriously as I can come home to my own home, husband, and daughter. But for Mom to stay in her home for a while now, my sister has lived with her. My sister should not have to put up with Mom's not nice comments. But she does! Now my sister is having her own health issues that does truly sadden me as I am the older sister. But I know what I can and cannot do. Oddly enough, I have stayed with Mom as she also resists hired help in, and Mom actually could cooperate and help me to get her upright. I figured that all along. My special needs daughter went through a "naughty helpless " phase too. Now that she has a couple of classes again at the junior college, my daugter is fine. She even got up early to do a quiz online today on a Saturday as she wants to stay in the class and she hadn't done it as we were at Mom's yesterday as well as two days before.

I love my Mom and so does her grand-daughter, but we all need to do the best we can. My Mom needs to understand that it is not all about her now, but also about getting my sister, her daughter who is her caregiver, well. I have explained to Mom that I cannot ever do what my sister does as I really do have other commitment to my own family. I love all of them and I must keep myself well by getting decent sleep so I can help the best way I can. I cannot go live at Mom's house and Mom wouldn't live living in my house either.

My sister takes all the verbal abuse Mom gives her and that just isn't right! It has taken a toll on my sister's health now and my sister really need to be able to sleep decently to get well. I have tried to explain that to Mom and if I ever do go stay over night to let my sister sleep decently, I have told Mom that she must stay in her bed four hours straight as I wouldn't be available. I know when I did stay over there before I was up the entire night listening for Mom to request something. I cannot do that again I must say. It will compromise my own mental health to not get sleep. I just know this and say what I believe is true for me.

Here we haven't had the POA issues, but it will be become difficult when that time comes. Mom seems to say we both share it equally but I think my sister actually is it. If it were 50/50, I would lay down the law to my Mom. I love her but she must cooperate too. She is with it enough to do that. I saw that when I was with her multiple hours this past week. I expect her to do her best as I do that with my daughter and yes, I am a hard nose, but guess what, everyone "behaves". I hate being the policeman but I guess that is my roll in life.

I am so glad it is now and not two weeks ago. Honestly, things are better with Mom although I worry about outcome for my sister. So any prayers are gratefully appreciated. I give thanks to God that I feel much better myself and standing my ground on no "butt lifts" has been a good thing and not hindered my relationship with Mom as she knows why I cannot do that now.

Thanks for sharing and listening to all this! Enjoy the holiday long weekend.
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Thank you all. Today is day three of my mom being home with 24/7 care. I had to go over this morning to meet with a VNA nurse. Mom was okay and I thought maybe she is settling down. How wrong I was. Because of the holiday weekend the in home care provider had some staff working long shifts and others short shifts. I told my mother that there would be a shift change at ten this evening. She started to get amped up and I tried to calm her down. Everything was okay for about five hours and then my phone started ringing every five minutes. My mother was anxiety ridden because of the shift change. My wife just went to talk to her and she won’t listen. She says she won’t let them in the house. I have already placed a call to the social worker at the rehab facility , but being a holiday weekend I don’t expect a call back until Tuesday. I can’t live like this. She calls me at all hours wanting me to come over. My wife just returned from seeing my mother and said she is out of control. I suppose I could file a report with protective services. I am not sure how quickly they respond. Because my mother is still allowed to make decisions I don’t have much say in that I cannot force her to a nursing home. I don’t know if the care providers can walk away if she refuses entry to her house. What a fiasco. It is affecting my health. I just need to get through the next day and tonight.
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mollymoose Sep 2019
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I know how rough it is. Went through the same thing with my Mom until she ended up immobile from back surgery gone horribly wrong BECAUSE of constant falls due to her refusing to have help/move to assisted living. Mom was ALWAYS compliant with a Dr. or other professional in their office, yes she would get help, blah-blah-blah but the moment we were out it was “no, I do NOT need help”.

This sounds mean, but turn your phone off during the night. If there’s an emergency she can call 911 & go to hospital. I would call my mom at a reasonable bedtime & make sure she was okay, then that was it for the night.

And to top it all off off she still threatened to fire workers when she got to the point of not even being able to stand or roll over in bed! At that point obviously the caregivers got their instructions from me so there was no danger of that happening.
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Somehow you need to make it clear what your boundaries are and then deal consequences when mom violates them.  Not easy for decent, kindly people, but necessary in fairness to you and your family.  You are being abused, probably for a long time, and mom has no more right to do that than she would if you were a little kid.  Nobody is anybody else's lawful prey.   Have you started to look at the possibilities of what the social worker advises? What APS can do and not do for this situation?  Play hard ball here.  You are not moving into her home to caregive - she is not moving into your home.  Absolutely no negotiation and you must make that clear to her. Now if she refuses caregivers at her home and will not budge then you are going to follow social worker's advice, report her to APS as a vulnerable senior with the aim of getting her under state supervision. It probably seems like "I can't force her into a nursing home" but there may be ways of getting the state to take over - indirect ways like letting her try to live alone and then siccing APS on her as a danger to herself.  Calling the health department. Etc. etc. You will probably have to be tough and determined here, but after all it needs to be done, doesn't it?  For her sake, as well as yours.   She needs a realistic look into her future. But you need to be clear in your mind, united with spouse and family, that you will not move into her house, nor she into yours, so she can move into facility, hire home caregivers or you will sicc the nanny state on her. Graphic details of what that might mean for her might be good.
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JimL1953 Sep 2019
Last night it all came to a head. She kicked the aides out. She was threatening to call the police and have them arrested. When I arrived I spoke first to the aide and then my mother. My mother wasn’t going to listen to anyone at that point. I asked if letting the agency go was her final decision and she said I don’t want anyone in my home. She yelled at me a bit telling me yet again nobody told her she had to have help in the house. I then told my mother I had no choice but to file with APS which I did. They are due to see her today. I am hoping they remove her from the home.
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Last night things came to a head. I received a call from one of the aides caring for my mother. She said my mother wanted her out of the house and threatened to call the police. I went over and gave my mother a talking to with little effect. She wanted them out. I told her at that point I had no choice but to file a report with Adult Protective Services. I did so upon returning home. They transferred the case to a local group where we live and they will visit her today. I doubt they will leave her in the home. Last night it was the same argument I have had with my mother for the last five days. She agreed to home care 24/7 as a condition of discharge. Once again she said we never told her which is not true. She didn’t want them there and that’s it. She always gets her way no matter the cost. I told her that from this point forward she would be dealing with the state. I am now awaiting a call from APS. I have never been so mentally drained.
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Jim, to resign as POA you just need to send her and her attorney a certified letter of resignation. Stating a date when it will become effective. No explanation needed, just a simple statement that you are no longer able to fulfill the responsibility and tender your resignation effective September 5th, 2019.

Sometimes we have to step away to ensure that our loved ones receive the care they need. It is okay to say no more insanity, I am done.
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JimL1953 Sep 2019
I have spoken with her attorney. She said before resigning let’s see if APS will appoint a guardian and go from there. They are due to visit her this morning. I just got off the phone with the nurse practitioner from her PCP office. I told her what is going on and that I filed a report with APS last night. I in addition to talking with my mother’s attorney had researched the steps needed to resign as POA. Thank you.
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Please keep us updated, Jim. We care!
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JimL1953 Sep 2019
Thank you. I think it’s evident that my mother besides her behavior is exhibiting signs of dementia.
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Let us know what happens with APS. Try to relax and let others take over. I don't understand why she has been assessed as being of sound mind and can make her own decisions. She obviously is not and cannot.
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JimL1953 Sep 2019
The response I got from the APS is I took care of a difficult parent too. I said how can you compare my situation to your own when you saw my mother for two minutes. You know nothing of her history. I am in touch with my mom’s attorney, but she advised she can’t undertake any adverse action against my mom.
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So here is an update. Protective services visited my mother today and because she is making decisions I have no say. She is allowed to fire the aides and it all falls back on me again. They are going to leave her in place. They said to me you have to go check on her daily and be sure she is eating and such. I told her that I had asked to have a guardian appointed. Silence. I asked where were you all last night when she went on a tirade. She said it didn't matter and it was her choice. I said yes it might be her choice .but you just put it all back in my hands. I don't even know what to say right now. I am livid.
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worriedinCali Sep 2019
OMG. What in the hell? What about YOUR choice? I am LIVID for you. APS is in the wrong here I believe. You can resign as POA and walk away. Your mother has the choice to live as she wants. But she does NOT get to choose for you. honestly I would be calling an elder attorney and seeking real advice if I was you. This isn’t right. If our parents get to have their choice, so do we. You should not be forced to be an accomplice to your mother’s poor decisions!
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Jim, I have a couple more suggestions, besides seeing a lawyer about your own rights. The first is to make an appointment to see the Ombudsman, whose job it is to look at unfair decisions made by Government agencies. APS should not be the final arbiters on this. The second is to arrange a month’s holiday somewhere else and not let anyone know where you are (this includes getting a second phone with a different number). Then let the chips fall where they may.
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JimL1953 Sep 2019
I have honestly had enough of dealing with bureaucracy. They just sent me a message that they think having a social worker speak with us will solve the problem and that they could offer other services. I responded to the message by saying, she just threw out the aides helping her and you think she is going to let somebody else in the house . I like the idea of a vacation. I just finished putting together a response to my mother. Basically it states I will no longer enable your bad behavior. You have made decisions and will have to live with the consequence of them . I am going to return to living my life. A second phone is a good idea too as she has been calling me asking why I am not at her house. Now that she got her way getting home she will start to push for me to move there. Not happening.
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" They said to me you have to go check on her daily and be sure she is eating and such. I told her that I had asked to have a guardian appointed. Silence. I asked where were you all last night when she went on a tirade. She said it didn't matter and it was her choice. I said yes it might be her choice .but you just put it all back in my hands."

They always want to dump the responsibility on the family (I'm referring to post-hospitalization or rehab), but your post above is even worse, in my opinion. I am outraged on your behalf! How DARE they?

They canNOT determine what YOU do. Please do as Margaret suggests. They are WRONG!
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JimL1953 Sep 2019
It will get sorted out. I know it’s not right. The first agent I spoke with from APS was of a different mind. Because she was in Boston they transferred the case to our demographic, hence the second agent .
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You have every right to tell that APS rat to stick it, you will not be checking on her and they will be back to deal with her.

I would send the resignation letter. A guardian trumps POA, you have a tough situation, this attorney is your moms, her 1st responsibility is to your mom and if that means throwing you under the bus, she will.

I would make reports to APS on a regular basis that there is a vulnerable senior living alone with no help, do this anonymously, have friends report, this is a situation where the squeaky wheel gets the attention.

All the responsibility with no authority does not work. Resigning will get her on the radar of guardianship sooner, as she now doesn't have a representative for day to day assistance. Sucks but that's how our bureaucrazy works.

I am sorry that you are having to go through this. It is such a balancing act to protect people's rights and ensure that they are not endangering themselves. My dad said he would rather die in a Walmart parking lot than live in a facility, looks like he will get his wish.
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JimL1953 Sep 2019
This is not what I imagined life would be like. You are so right. It’s all a balancing act. I haven’t talked with the lawyer since APS visited. I have my fingers crossed that the VNA will offer a viable solution. I think things will get more difficult in these next days. If we move my mother there will be fireworks. Your idea of continuing to make reports is a good one. If I do it online it’s anonymous.
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Your story is frightening :( I see shades of it beginning in my life with my mother and I am ready to just run away and leave town. Please come here to vent and keep us updated. This site has helped me keep my sanity and also not just dump on all of my friends all the time.
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To Jim, in reply to your comment on September 6. I fully understand about being so fed up with bureaucracy that you don’t want to bother, and you are certainly a friend of mine about that. However the issue is that the people who are messing about with you are only low-level employees, quite possible with minimal qualifications or experience. Unfortunately many workers at this level get carried away with their new-found powers and are unreasonable, dictatorial, stupid and a real pain to deal with. That is the purpose of the Ombudsman – to sit above them and put them up short if they are abusing their powers. Don’t give up on the system entirely if you get more hassles, go upstairs in the power levels, to their bosses and then to the Ombudsman if you need to.
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JimL1953 Sep 2019
Tomorrow the VNA is coming to see my mother. There will be a nurse,a social worker ,and one other. The nurse did say what they find carries some weight with APS. Friday afternoon was quiet after the uproar earlier in the day. Yesterday I was there from 1:00 to 5:00. She was okay for a couple of hours,but then became fixated with the time. I figured while I was there I would cook her dinner. I decided on a small pork tenderloin with potatoes and carrots. That’s when things started to ramp up. I was in the kitchen preparing things and look over my shoulder. There is my mother without her walker giving orders on how I should prepare and cook the roast. I told her I have cooked plenty in my time and know what I am doing. She comes over and wants me to cook it in the toaster oven. I asked her to please use her walker so as not to fall and leave me alone. She settled down for about an hour. At this point I went to check on the roast and back she comes ,again without her walker. She insists I let her check the roast. She goes to take it from the oven using a dish towel. I said to her stop,that I will take it out. Again I remind her about the walker. I check the roast and it’s done so I leave it for a few minutes to rest. My mother ignored me about her walker. Then she wants me to make her a drink. I said no and continued on that her doctor had said no alcohol. Then she got mad and said she had made her own the night before. I know that’s not true because I poured it all out prior to her coming home. I got her dinner on the plate and sat her down while she ate I did all the dishes and said I am leaving now. I came home and typed up background info for the VNA to see either before or after we meet tomorrow. I will look into the Ombudsman tomorrow as well. Thanks.
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So here is how my day went today. My mother fell again. I found her on the floor in the den with a huge shiner. I called 911 and they took her to the hospital. I set the wheels in motion for long term care. We tried to get her held overnight so we could transfer her in the morning. Then some smartass doctor discharged her because he said she was able to make decisions. He decides this while she is screaming to the heavens why is this happening to me, calling to my father, and screaming I have to go home. His final statement was I have to stay with her to make sure she is safe. So there you have it. My mother gets what she always wanted. Me stuck in her home. VNA social worker talked to this asshat doctor and I was told he had a hair across his fanny all day. My mother has never taken any responsibility for her actions. She is very happy with herself for removing me from my home.
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CTTN55 Sep 2019
Oh, no! Remind me again -- is your mother considered legally competent?

Did you contact the Ombudsman? Have you consulted an attorney about your rights? Please, please do these things!

(How long did that doctor say you have to stay with her for?)
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That doctor has no authority to tell you that you have to stay with someone that he is allowing to go home because she can make her own decisions.

I would file a complaint with the administration of the hospital. That is such bunco that you are being ordered by a doctor. No, they can not do that. You can go home and call APS to report a vulnerable senior living alone.

She only wins if you buy into the lie the doctor tried to feed you. Talk about a god complex. I have actually told a doctor that I will not be able to do that, however they are welcome to give up their lives to do it. Amazing how fast they ordered rehab.

Go home and let her live the consequences of bad choices.
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That's what I was wondering...IS your mother mentally competent (legally?). I believe she is?

The medical professionals like to (wrongly) assign duties to the family caregivers.

Why didn't you just tell the doctor that you don't live with your mother, can't stay with her, and if he discharged her it would be unsafe discharge?
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Isthisrealyreal Sep 2019
The doctor prefaced his "orders" with she is able to make decisions.

It is terrible that some doctors take advantage of the emotional upheaval an ER visit creates to put obligations on people. They are quick to back track when they are dealing with someone that knows how the system works or doesn't.
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Jim, can you update us? Are you still staying with your mother?
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I stayed two days and spoke at length with the VNA social worker who has been a godsend. She is working so hard to help us out. She drive out of her way to the APS offices to speak with them. She got nowhere. I have tried to reason with my mother to no avail. She will not let any help in the home. I told her you are making bad decisions and you are going to fall again. She doesn’t care. I told her today that I cannot live my life worrying about if and when she will fall again. I said mom , when you fall again you will have to figure it out. I have done my best to give you sound advice which you choose not to accept. I spoke with her attorney about what the ER doctor said and she said I cannot be held responsible for her decisions. The ER doctor was a jerk and I do intend to write the hospital administration about his behavior. I think his behavior was out of line. Let him go stay over there. Would he say that about his parent. As I have said in previous posts I have a young lady that helps with my mom . Both she and I have asked my mom about having overnight help . We both get the same response. I don’t want to talk about that right now. Standard response. The VNA nurse told my mother that she is going to set up an appointment for my mother with her doctor. My mother will cancel. She is aware enough to know that the proxy will come up and her living arrangement will change. I should write a book. Thank you all for your comments. It means a lot.
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Today I started getting calls early. First a nurse pushing for my mother to see her PCP. I said short of dragging her out the door what am I supposed to do. She cancels her appointments last minute. Then came the calls from a social worker. They are trying to help, but I know my mother. Social worker talked to her in the morning. Said she agreed to having overnight help and that I should hire somebody. I did not agree saying you need to see her in the afternoon. I saw my mother early afternoon and brought up the visit. I said so you agreed to overnight help. She said I don’t want anyone in my house at night. I am so tired of doing this knowing how my mother will react. If they invoke the proxy does it make me responsible ? Should I hire help she will kick them out. I had a couple of days not thinking about all of this and now here we go again. The headaches have returned .
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JimL, there is nothing you can do about it if your mother is of sound mind and competent and refused help. I am going through the same thing with my 95 year old mother. She is competent and of sound mind so there is nothing I can do about it. My conscience won’t let me walk way completely. I just have backed off and don’t go to her house every day anymore. I go 3 times a week. I stay for an hour and leave. I don’t take her out on Saturdays for dinner anymore. She bitches and complains and hurls insults at me all night. So I stopped going over on Saturdays. Learn to let go of her. Don’t let her manipulate her anymore. Call her bluff. Live your life. We only have one life to live. This is no dress rehearsal. Best of luck to you.
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JimL1953 Sep 2019
I have started to limit my time at mom’s house. She will not accept help in the house. I don’t want them to invoke the proxy at this point as it makes me responsible and no matter what I do it will be wrong in her eyes. I told her today that I am being pressured to do either help in the house or assisted living. She doesn’t want to talk about it. I brought dinner and it wasn’t what mom wanted. Then she wanted me to make her a drink. I told her no drink and if she didn’t like it to discuss it with her doctor. Every day is the same. I start getting calls around nine about getting her to see her doctor or getting help in the house. Short of dragging her out of the house how do you get her to see the doctor when she is refusing to go. If I bring in help she will kick them out . I don’t feel it’s fair to people to bring them on and have them kicked out the next day.
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Tell the dr if she falls as a result of the unsafe discharge & he said she is able to make her own decisions, that there will be legal action, You’ll see how fast he’s going to change his mind!
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JimL1953 Sep 2019
Interesting thought . That never crossed my mind.
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That’s a good answer caregiverL. I never thought of that. I will use that the next time my mother is in the hospital and the doctor says she can go home without any help!! Thank you. That helps me!
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Sorry for my absence. Things with my mother are generally the same. She will not accept any help in the house . APS would like her to remain home. I have offered to have a person fill the days our regular aide isn’t there. My mother tells me yes and then says to my sister she will kick the new girl out after a couple of days. I told my mother my days of being at her home every day are over. I bring her dinner every night and she gives me a hard time about the stove. Last night we had a big fight over the stove with her telling me the burns on her arms were nothing nor were the fires. Her rational was she didn’t burn the house down. During the summer when I was up to my eyeballs with her dare we lost our beloved dog at eleven years old. We are dog lovers. We waited a bit before talking about getting another dog. We inquired with the breeder we bought our last dog from,but they wouldn’t have any pups until mid year. I found another breeder and he had what we were looking for in a pup. She arrived last week . My mother is now angry because I am not at her house all the time. I told her it was her choice to not have extra help. We now have an nine week old pup and I need to be around. My sister was there today to bring her dinner and she says to my sister call your brother and tell him to get over here. I told my sister to tell mom no go. I was taking care of the puppy and my wife had a terrible head cold. My mother in law was sundowning . I told mom yesterday you made decisions. Take responsibility for them.
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I just read your thread. Wowses. BIG empathy for you - you are up to the eyeballs in it.

Please please read the book Boundaries by Dr Henry Cloud & Dr John Townsend - or just google & read bits. Warning: It's very religious but even I (non-believer) can read it in a more secular way - the underlying mesages still work.

It's about boundaries, how they work & what happens when yours don't work properly. Each person being responsible for themselves - carying their own knapsacks in life & NOT carrying other peoples.

Parents, elderly or not, still have to carry their own. If they need help, then they can arrange it (if competent). YOU can choose to help if you want - when & how much.
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I just re-read the part about burns on your Mum's arms. Oh dear oh dear.

From experience told by others in my life & on this forum three things jump out that the *living at home* days are about to hit crises & end: #1 fall #2 kitchen fire/accident #3 wandering from home. My guess here is kitchen fire.

Time will be up soon. Then it will be HER battle to try to return home.

I am waiting for a similar event in my family. I want to be able to position myself in the *sweet spot* of standing well back to protect myself emotionally but close enough to be her advocate. I will not be wearing my well worn Family-of-origin-emotional-response tee-shirt but my Common Sence Hat. (My visual is a fireman's helmet).

Remember: you didn't cause her to get old, nor can you fix it.
However it goes, the outcome will be based on decisions she makes or already made.
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JimL1953 Oct 2019
I will check out the book. I told my mother if you want to leave you tell the nurse and get yourself home. I won’t be driving you. She has this mindset that she wants to die in her home because my dad died there. Different circumstance. My dad had advanced cancer and when things went south he was in bed in a coma of sorts. My mother is not in that state. In her case it is the continual falls and bad decisions on her part. As I said the case manager read her the riot act telling her one of these falls will kill her. Still didn’t faze her. She is going home. I don’t get the the whole healthcare proxy. Why does everyone say invoke the proxy and you can decide what happens. According to her doctor you can only force the issue by going to court and winning a case. How many times will it take before my mother gets it ? She won’t. She will continue doing this home alone thing with a leash on me until she falls and has a catastrophic injury.
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