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When she tells you this is not how I would like to be treated, just say she should come here and treat your mom how she wants to be treated.   Tell her talk is cheap
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I would not share any information that solicits criticism from her.

The whole wallet fiasco should have never been told to her.

I know that you need to vent, it helps us make sense of our feelings and we might even get some input that will help us be less adversely affected in future. Your sister is not the person you should be using as your sounding board.

I would send monthly updates about how your parents are doing, keep it sterile, like you are telling the doctor about things, leave you out of it completely. That way she has no ammunition to fire at you.

If she says anything you can politely tell her that any deeper information can be had by putting in a couple of weeks caring for mom and dad and giving everyone a break. She can only control you if you let her.

Take care of your family and yourself during this time. It is easy to fall into the routine that only the elders matter and that is not good for anyone.
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dazednconfused Apr 2020
Best answer yet!
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Report only the good.

It is TMI (too much information) to report the details you have.
It is an invasion of Dad and Mom's privacy, imo.
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You don’t owe her any explanations. Aren’t you busy enough and yet you have to write her a “report”? Who the heck is she?
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You say "We have suggested distant sister call mom but she doesn't. She's too busy telling us about her golf games, gardening etc." Your distant sister clearly does not know what a difficult job you and your caregiver sister have taken on. Perhaps you remember when your life was your own? What were your main concerns then? She's still excited about what she is able to do. You have most likely given up your favorite activities in order to care for your parents. It won't help to explain it to her, as it really has to be experienced. But you should continue, as you said, to give her basic information. You were actually feeding her things to nit pic about, so that she can feel she's involved, which she isn't. You thought you were telling her how your dad is slipping. That isn't what she gets from your information because she doesn't understand. Let me say it again. She doesn't understand. Just be sure to thank your caregiver sister often for what she does and continue for as long you can to help each other in this very difficult situation. Also, mention to distant sister often how much you appreciate caregiver sister. She may or may not get the hint. Be well.
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Just send an email with clear bulleted points of happenings, that way you can ignore any email she sends - if she decides to send one.
I like the idea for you and sister to write a list of chores for her.
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No matter what you do she will not be happy. In her will who is the person who will be in charge? If it is not her, ignore her, stay away from her and tell other sisters and brothers. You simply speak to her a little as you have too. Dr Grenan
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Thank you again everyone. Each of you had something to contribute that will be helpful to my caregiver sister and I. I appreciate you all taking the time to respond and I've now made a list of what I can say. I've just decided not to respond at all and when she calls I'm going to tell her I won't bore her with many details then a list of comebacks when her criticism starts. Guaranteed she won't be doing much criticizing after that! I'll be firm but kind. Much love to all of you wonderful people.
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We live near my inlaws who are in AL and MC and do all the "on the ground" work of caring for them--my DH does their medications set up, takes them to the doctor as needed, sees to all their extra needs, etc. Of course, we are the ones who end up taking them to hospitals, etc, when needed also. My BIL kept being very thankful but was overwhelming us with his "guilt". He wanted to help, but lives 1200 miles away. SO we decided to let him handle the finances. He can pay all the bills, etc, from that distance, and that's one less thing we have to worry about. SO maybe you could allow distant sister to do that type of thing, and you continue to handle the dailies with caregiver sister. It is fruitless to try to compare who does what and how well. Now with this delegation of responsibility we also had to take a totally hand's off approach and let him do it his own way. It can be a "be careful what you ask for" situation at times.
With Distant Sister, I would limit my updates to bullet points, no details. "Everything went well this week. Went to the grocery, doctors offices. Doctors were please/changed meds, whatever. Hope you are having a good day." Don't give her amunition. If she asks why you changed your tactics, just say "It was too much to give you details all the time. The weight of caregiving is heavy enough, I don't need to rehash it all in my mind/on "paper" weekly. Sorry, that's the best I can do."
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You seem intimidated by this “distant sister”. Why? Get over her BS by addressing whatever it is in yourself that makes you cater to her. Accept that this “drama” sister thinks of herself more higher then she ought. You owe her nothing ... nothing but love, which can be doled out at the distance she apparently requires.

One hour away!
Save yourself &
Hug the real sister there in trenches ~
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2020
Oh so true, I certainly got over my egotistical brothers and I am a lot happier now.
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After a very painful and long period of 'beating my head against a wall', I stopped sending distant nit-picking sister e-mail updates. Surprisingly/unsurprisingly, she never contacted me again--that was 2 years ago. With my therapist's help, I slowly realized the futility of wondering 'why' and 'how could ...' The longer time went on, the less I became obsessed with her behavior (and my hurt as a result thereof). Today, I rarely think of her, and when I do, I nod my head to her with compassion (i.e., say a little prayer for her). Good luck, Flowerhouse; if I can overcome this, I really believe anyone can. It took persistence, patience, and faith; now I am free! (And can go on unfettered to focus on the everyday challenges of being the primary caregiver : )
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I am one of 6.

I took care of both my parents on my own at the end of their lives —(Not looking for a pat on the back, just setting the stage). As my parents aged and declined, sibling by sibling dropped off from communicating with our parents, then with me. I begged for help, then begged for mere communication (first to us all, later just to parents) and ended up with “crickets.” Nothing from any of them, even though I had experienced lifelong closeness with each of them and their children.

Dad passed first, Mom survived for another three years and now, after the fact, I know that when they cut off contact with us, some of them were meeting with each other and lawyers, brainstorming about all the ways they could sue me after both parents passed (I live comfortably and mom and dad had saved carefully and they were strategizing about how to get the most from me and the estate, both).

So in the throes of mourning, I was visited by the local sheriff serving me with papers (by two sibs only, thankfully) alleging all kinds of things, including that I PREVENTED them from visiting and even calling my parents. I was completely stunned.

Fast forward, I prevailed in each of two lawsuits (and so did my lawyers). I should mention that those two siblings were living comfortably - I am still befuddled by their actions.

Why am I writing? Because you should put everything in writing. When your sister doesn’t show up, send her an email, acknowledging that she failed to make her commitment.

if you pay for groceries or other items your parents need and later get reimbursed, take clear notes and keep photos of the receipt (receipts rub off or “fade”) and also snap a picture of that reimbursement check. It may seem like a pain, but it could save you later.

Please learn from my heartbreak. Focus your attention and love (and expectations) on the sibling that is there for you. Write the other sibling off. You will likely come around to this in the long run and doing it now cuts your losses. You don’t need to contact or notify her. If she sends any emails or other written communication that accuse you of not providing updates, respond and tell her that you are busy taking care of your parents and you need her help, and even a visit would be helpful and if she wants to know how they are doing, she should prioritize a visit and find out first-hand.

Thank you for being one of those wonderful children who is there for your parents. You are a true hero. Remember you are doing in for your parents and not for “Sister-Ex.”

I have one, very wonderful sister who I communicate with daily. I have many wonderful nieces and nephews. My sister is worth them all and I would do anything for her. Save 100% of your sister-love for the sister who gives you her all. You are so lucky to have her!
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doctorno Apr 2020
What a nightmare. Hang in there.
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I would not put up with that sister for another minute. Don’t tell her much at all about things and she won’t be able to pick you apart. She almost sounds spoiled but what she is doing is all talk and doesn’t contribute any help. She put herself first and that is fine but she can’t sit back and judge you. Tell the sister less and less. If she wants to know more, she can come take over all you are doing for a change. Her attitude would change fast. Tell her you took them to the store or wherever but not about the wallet as an example. Otherwise, she will continue. You give her ammo when you give sis too much info.
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Don't put up with this sister since she picks you apart anyway. Don't update her with every detail if she's going to come across as being so acrimonious. Who really is "into caregiving?"
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You are doing the best you can. Remember that!
I am also in the same situation w 3 of my siblings, let's refer to them as the privileged ones. ( if anything just for a laugh bc God knows you need it in these situations) . There are 7 of us, 4 siblings are communicating about mom's care. At first I was asking the privileged ones if they wanted to be updated about mom. Mom is 88, (Mexican version of Mommie Dearest) She has beginning stages of Alzheimers.
I am very lucky to have lots of friends. One of my very best friends said to me "it is NOT your responsibility to tell your siblings how THEIR mother is doing!" They know her number and address. BAM! Hit me between the eyes! I let go of that burden and we haven't heard hide nor hair from the privileged ones.
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Why do you even go in to the details with her about the daily craziness? For sister who comes in to do cleaning - whatever you do, continue to accept whatever help you're getting or you're going to be more frustrated than you are now.

Maybe find other tasks she can do that can wait for her visits. Agreed, that floor cleaning and other tasks like that need to be done more often. Keep your list of shopping needs and let her take the parents when she comes into town. When you know she is coming, make the dr appts and let her take them to that. If nothing else, when she arrives feign an illness and tell her you aren't up to it that day and she has to do it.

If you cannot find enough tasks, then let her spend that day with them doing whatever cleaning she wants to do while you and the other sister stay completely away from the house for a break.

You will never win with a non-caregiver, so figure out how to use whatever they are willing to give. Some don't even show with intent of doing anything. IF IF they show up, it's what I call a drive-by.
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Stop emailing your sister. I used to try to keep all my siblings informed about my father in case something happened to me and they had to take over his care. Two were appreciative and one complained. I gave him too much information. And he never helped out. Now I only send the most basic of information. Less is more.
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Hugs to you for all you do❤️

let me share my mantra with you:

”Show up or Shut up!”

You have been such a gem in taking care of your parents with your other caregiving sister. Politely tell your absent/occasional sister to visit if she would like to see how your parents are doing.

We all have ideas of how we would handle certain situations until ,that is, we become involved intimately with those situations.

Just as in learning, book knowledge is one thing and the practical application of that knowledge is another.

You do enough as it is in taking care of your parents. Please don’t worry about emailing your other sister it’s just one more thing to drain your energy especially dealing with her commentary.

Bless you for doing what you do and let the nit picker “Show up or Shut up”❤️
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Beatty Apr 2020
Yes! You can place my order for that t-shirt now 😁
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The sibling nightmare that affects so many including myself. Your mom is healthy? Cognizant? That should not be that much of a problem. You have to start adjusting your thinking about your sibling AND your mother relationship. if mom is mentally OK...well can you talk to her? Some suggestions;

1.If you could seek out a family counselor to act as a third party between you two that may greatly help. Think about this, something I did. Contact your local elder abuse agency. Start a report, meet with an agent. Get their email. You are being abused as well! Keep good records, and the most notable derogatory highlight emails from the sister. When you send an email, keep it short and copy the agent at the senior abuse agency. When I did this my brother went berserk but backed off.

2. Or put an elder abuse attorney on retainer and copy him/her.

3. Try to find trusted third party, maybe a family friend to copy all emails to.

4. Create a "update' list of email friends and other family members. Iclude your sisters derogatory ones. Let he know that others are reading her emails...this should stop her.

5. Don't accept phone calls from your sister. Insist that any of her correspondence be in writing. this sends a strong message that you are documenting her abuse to you.

6. Check with a couple care provider agencies and get written quotes on how much it would cost to take care of your mom. Share these with your sister.

Are you neing compensated for your work? If not, why not? There's other parts of this situation that have not been explained like finances, capacity, etc. If it is just a creepy bullying sister, then write her to stop bullying you.
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I would follow what others said and limit the details. Mom had a difficult morning and Dad was distracted getting ready but we managed to get out on time to get Dad to his appointment and then did the grocery shopping. Maybe when sis retires and comes 1x weekly shopping can be on her to do list. 

My husband was the 2nd oldest of 6. We lived about 90 minutes away and his two youngest sisters were living with Mom & Dad on the family farm. We did what we could when we visited to give them & Dad a break when Mom was sick. We made sure they knew how much we appreciated what they were doing and that we could not begin to understand the difficulty. By the time several years later it was time to help with Dad our son was older and we could spend more time helping until he need to go to a SNF.
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