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We placed my MIL into a very nice facility yesterday. We had been discussing this with her for some time now. Different reactions on different days, from being a little sad, to knowing it was needed, but never angry. When she got up, we told her that today was the day. Immediately she got furious. " We weren't taking her anywhere, I'd rather die first, You both are DEAD to me, never come see me again, "I'll find a way to just die". She ate, went back to lay down still claiming she wasn't going. When she gets back up, she starts screaming again over and over. She looks at us with hatred, spitting on the floors, tried to spit on me, but wasn't standing close enough to get me. After several attempts to get her dressed as she said "Where I'm going it won't matter if I'm naked" and started taking off all her clothes in front of her son, my husband which I know she would be ashamed of if she were within her right mind. We finally get her dressed, in the car, she is still cussing, spitting in disgust at us. We go down the driveway, she looks back at our home and says "Bye house. I hope someone comes and breaks every window in your house". Just crazy talking. After arriving at the facility which is extremely nice, and small, only 20 patients, she jumps out of the car because she's home and for us to "leave and never come back," to "I can't believe my own family is throwing
me away", to "I hope you have 200 children and NONE of them want you". So while I didn't expect it to go easy today, my questions are first, is this type of behavior in dementia/alzheimers normal or typical? Why yesterday did she remember the sequence of events happening ALL day long when normally she can't even remember where she is from minute to minute or sometimes thinks she's in a home already because our house is large and always wants to know where the other residents are. She came to us from a facility she shared with my FIL after he passed away. And to be honest, in driving away to come back home after dropping her off, I felt a huge burden had been lifted from my shoulders. I am relieved and I am quite ashamed to say that for the first time in an extremely long 6 months, (only 6 months!!!) that I am happy. And I feel ashamed admitting that. I certainly don't want my husband to know this. I had the honor and privilege of taking care of my mother when she was diagnosed with a brain tumor at only 60 years old. She was diagnosed, treated with radiation and passed away within the space of 3 months. From the minute she found out, she was always caring, appreciative of the things my sister and I did for her, always thanking us, telling us how she loved us and never complained. While she didn't have dementia, the tumor did sometimes make her not realize some things and get confused about who someone was, or where she was at times. I am not romanticizing that as I know people can sometimes think their passed loved one were perfect. She wasn't perfect, but she also never complained or whined about her situation, the complete opposite of my MIL since she has come to live with us. So last question, is this, are my feelings about my MIL and being happy now that she's not in our home normal and typical or am I comparing the two experiences and find that I would never have been able to care for her or have as much compassion as I should have because of my experience caring for my own mom. While I do feel guilty about it, its not enough to make me unhappy. Am I just a horrible person? I'm sorry this is so long....

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My belief about why they will remember things sometimes all day is that anger gets the adrenaline pumping and will clear out those tangles for a bit. Saw this in my mom too, if she was angry new information was better understood. Strange? You betcha.

And behavior normal? With dementia nothing is normal and they are bound to say and do anything. What you experienced yesterday is normal for mom and her dementia.

It sounds like you found a nice place for her. Know that it will be very difficult for all of you for awhile. Many say two weeks, but with my mom it never ended and she was in memory care facilities for two years before she finally passed.

Mom was admitted to the hospital 3 or 4 times for geriatric psychic assessments. The first was the first week of facility living. Nothing is unexpected and nothing unusual with some.

Two facilities? Yup, mom was kicked out of the first one because of her behaviors. This happens. It would be a great idea to have a back up plan.

Good luck and i hope all remains quiet.
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psuskind1 Aug 2020
Dear gladimhere
your reply cleared up a lot of questions as my LO’s behavior mirrors that which you describe. My LO was in geriatric psyc hospital twice. The second time was more effective and each day I hope the meds continue working. He nearly got kicked out of an exclusive facility and many don’t want problem clients.
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Oh my friend, you are in no way a horrible person!

Caring for your mom and caring for your MIL are two entirely different situations. Not only are they completely different people, their health issues were also extraordinarily different. First, I gather you were quite a bit younger when you cared for mom. I also gather that your mom's diagnosis was much different in terms of "time left" so to speak. I think a lot of your guilt is coming from "I was ok taking care of my mom, but I don't want to take care of my MIL, who is my husband's mom".

Just because you were willing to be one person's caregiver doesn't mean that you should automatically be willing to take on the caregiving responsibilities of everyone you know, because then where does it stop? If you follow that logic, then if you raised your kids, you should be willing to raise all the other kids that anyone in your family might have. You have the right to choose to whom you give care - if anyone. And, as many others here who have put their loved ones into facilities, MIL's caregiving will need to continue - just not under your roof with your responsibilities being 24/7. She will still need things done for her that will fall onto your and your husband's shoulders. You've done a wonderful job taking care of her in your home, and you will continue to take care of her, just in a different setting and capacity. And that's ok!

You say you don't want your husband to know how relieved you are that his mom has been placed into a care facility...but I would bet he's just as relieved as you are. Maybe for different reasons, but I'll bet it's a load off his shoulders as well. And that's ok, too!

Forgive yourself for any negative feelings you may have/had towards MIL and give yourself permission to enjoy your life. It's really, really ok. You made arrangements for MIL to be safe and cared for, and by doing so have fulfilled your responsibilities to her.

(((Hugs)))
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IhaveQuestions Aug 2020
Thank you so much for your kind words. I love her and always have, just in bringing her into our home I never imagined how mean she would be to me. it definitely has changed some of my feelings for her. I still love her, but was having a very hard time liking her.
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No you never mention dementia in your posting.
I would have to say that your mother knew that she needed more help that wanted to live at home and not in a care facility. And I don't blame her have you ever checked them out really the food the lunch the treatment?
Her acting in such ways was her way of saying I am not going! Even though she knew there needed to be extra help and a little lifted off of you.

Most people I know do not want to die in a care facility let alone die alone what's the new covid-19 outbreak.

You may be comparing apples to oranges. On how someone handles different situations.
I just recently had a fall an injured both my legs called my son from the emergency room and he told me he did not have time for this right now.
I felt just the same as her, the doctor is the ER said he could put me in a home. At this point in time my son chooses not to speak to me and I really don't care. Never once did I tell him I didn't have time for him. I am now living alone have multiple handy devices and I can live in my own home and be safe. I have nursing coming to my house three days a week and I'm fine with that.

And I also told him basically the same thing one day his daughter will not be there for him and his wife what goes around comes around. But maybe it's how I was raised we took care of family and a home was not an option!!!

If you're feeling some type of guilt then your heart is speaking to you.

Good luck in your older age!
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LoopyLoo Aug 2020
Oh good grief. Just because you and your son are estranged doesn’t mean the OP isn’t doing the right thing for all involved.

Placing an elder in a place where they can get 24/7 care— or care that their families just can’t physically give— is not throwing them away. Plus this is the Mother in Law, not the mother. OP should not had been the caregiver in the first place.

You’re able to live at home with some help, and that’s great. With dementia and emotional issues, this isn’t possible for a lot of people. If their families didn’t care, they’d just let their elder suffer.
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Thank you. She was mostly just mean to me, her caregiver. Generally pretty nice to everyone else except for yesterday. But the facility called and said she had calmed down and was doing fine. I know we made the right decision for her and ourselves, I just feel I shouldn't be happy about it.
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LoopyLoo Aug 2020
I’d feel relieved too if I were you! You shouldn’t have been taking care of her... husband should have. It’s his mom, not yours.
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Your experience is 100% by the book, normal, and extremely (EXTREMELY!!!) common. Stay the course.
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IhaveQuestions Aug 2020
Thank you. That makes me feel better....
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Please don't be ashamed of your feelings, my friend. It's okay to be relieved to have a dementia patient out of your home and in a care facility where they'll be safe and cared for by professionals. You'd have no qualms whatsoever about admitting your MIL into the hospital if she were physically ill, yet you're beating yourself up about admitting her into a care home for being mentally ill. It doesn't make sense when it's put that way, does it?

It's normal for your MIL to be acting unhinged on her way to the new care home. There is no rhyme or reason to dementia, nor is there any day-to-day sameness involved. One day she can be lucid and you think, hey, maybe she's not that bad after all!!! Then the next day, she's spitting and cussing and you think, hey, she's unhinged and has to get out of here before I lose my mind!! That's the nature of dementia: up and down and you never know what the heck to expect!! And that, in and of itself, makes the condition even WORSE to deal with. The 'not knowing' is worse than anything.

In a care home environment, your MIL will adjust eventually. She'll make friends, get hot meals, entertainment, activities, and everything else she needs in the way of help with daily activities. You can go back to being the daughter in law and your husband can go back to being her son instead of her care givers. It puts the relationships back in their proper places and you can all breathe a bit easier.

Last but not least, it was easier for you to take care of your own mother because she didn't have dementia; an affliction which turned her into a child throwing tantrums and spitting, or playing with feces and peeing on the floor. You are comparing apples to oranges and expecting yourself to have the same 'compassion' for your MIL that you had for your mother in spite of the fact that the two women presented 100% different issues for you to deal with. Right? Most people are unable to deal with dementia sufferers at home, after it progresses to a certain point. Memory Care homes are the very, very best and safest option, as most of us eventually realize.

Don't feel guilty; guilt means you've done something wrong or bad
Don't feel shame; shame means you ARE something wrong or bad

You are neither. You are just one human being trying to be all things to all people at all times, which is quite impossible. Allow yourself to BE human, to admit you can't do it all, and then let go and let God handle what you cannot.

Good luck!
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IhaveQuestions Aug 2020
Thank you so much, that helps me put things in perspective.
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Totally normal -- all of it.

I remember a woman who was brought to live at my mom's memory care facility. She had been a nurse so she was pretty sharp on some things, and she knew full well she'd been moved to a locked facility. She cried all day, every day for a week, and every time I visited my mother she was out in the courtyard pacing around weeping. Within a week, you'd think she'd moved to a resort. She was loving life and had made friends, and everything was fine. She's been happy as a clam every since.

The only "good" thing about dementia is that a new place becomes home to them very quickly. Your accompanying relief is also totally normal, because you know she's safe and cared for now. Don't beat yourself up.
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You are not horrible. Yes it does give you relief. I had that same feeling with my mom. It is even harder for you because she is not your mother, so I am sure you have held in your feelings most of the time. Oh my mother was a feisty person almost to the end. We got my mom into the secured memory care home by taking her to lunch there, in the assisted living area, then walked her into her room in the memory wing. Had her things already arranged in there so it looked some what familiar. She too thought she was in a care home while still in her condo. Well after I left her the first day, she was a handful and it continued for about a month. She took all her clothes off the hangers and bundled them up in a blanket and tied it up like a hobo sack. They had given us permission to hang pictures on the walls with nails and she ripped them right off the walls. I would not visit if she was giving a real fuss so she could settle in. Sometimes the person like my Mom always got her way and with dementia on top of it, which is like dealing with a 2 year old, a naughty 2 year old at times it made it more difficult. I kept in mind it was the dementia and tried to take what was said in anger as dementia confusion. Stay calm, calm voice, don’t explain or reason with. I would tell her this is what the doctor said is needed for her safety.

My friend had to place her husband in a home just before the virus lock down so was not able to visit him. He too was close to unmanageable but did settle down and about a week later when they talked via zoom, he said he couldn’t talk they were looking at buying furniture and he had to go.??? Guess he was settling in.

Your MIL will go through many different things. Don’t be surprised at anything and don’t expect. Dementia is quite a trip as I now 13 years after Mom passed, am caregiver for my husband with Alzheimers. Know you did the best for her.
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IhaveQuestions Aug 2020
Thank you so much. And you're right, it was so much harder because she isn't my mom.
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I am going to add to the message I just sent. As I found with my mother and now my husband, they want to be in control, but their mind has jumbled everything so much, they can’t but fight it. That’s why I say, stay calm, calm voice and remember “sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never hurt me”.
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Sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me. Unless the hurt names are coming from MOM!!! Then it hurts a lot!!! Which is why you have to stay away from mom and all of her hurtful comments. Walk away from her.
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cxmoody Aug 2020
Yes. It DOES hurt.
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Thank you all for your kind words to me. They have helped me put things into perspective. I was more than happy to bring my loving mil into my home. Things changed quickly after being here when she started to see my as being involved with "her" husband, which of course is my husband. The intimate setting of our home just made things harder for her to realize who he really was. And he does look like his father. So she would do literally nothing for me in order to care for her, showers, getting out of bed etc. Yes she called me names and told me she hated me and at first it did hurt my feelings. But I should say, after hearing it so much, it started to not hurt anymore, it just made me angry and I started to lose the loving feelings that I had for her. And I know she couldn't help it. But it's very hard to give up your whole life, and that is exactly what I did, to care for someone that is so hateful to you. I missed out on time with my two young granddaughters because at times they were afraid of her. She could also be very sweet with time, so it was just so confusing for them. I love her and I do believe that now that she is out of the intimate setting of our home and seeing us together just doing everyday things or just sitting beside each other holding hands which would trigger her, I think she will improve. She will of course get to the point that she may not know who we are, but more importantly for now I hope that she will know who we "aren't'.
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medicaidmaze20 Aug 2020
For my own LO with later stage of LBD, every day is a new day. Some days are better than others. The good days are sweet I write a journal of sorts each day I visit-bring cookies, flowers, a card-hopes of the item will be a gentle reminder that I am "there" for LO when I have to leave her. While knowing most days are a struggle for my LO. The move here last year and 2 more moves since for decline and behaviors. Move and change are hard for the LO to understand and adapt-some people will adapt/calm/change for the better and some will not. Each move made things worse for LO did not really improve-is not the nature of the disease in my case-sad but I had to accept this fact and not be expecting things to get better for LO-this is my reality. Covid is not helping with maintaining a relationship-hugs and kisses are a big part for my LO-sadly not allowed now.
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You are not a horrible person.

“Dementia” MEANS that she can no longer use reason, facts, and personal observations to manage her reactions to the events in which she is involved.

Comparisons to your own thinking and behavior, or to your mother’s thinking and behavior, cannot result in valid interpretations of your MIL’s behavior. That includes what she is saying, or screaming, or yelling.

There are times and circumstances in the behavior of people with dementia, especially early on, when they may be able to function on a level that appears to be relatively reasonably. Two images helped me understand this.

The mind of a person with dementia may seem to “short circuit”, like an electrical appliance that isn’t firmly plugged into a socket. The electricity may light a light fixture, but the light may blink, or dim, or go out altogether. I have observed this in several relatives who had dementia.

Another example was given to me by a wonderful therapist who worked with my LO when she entered Memory Care. She described LO’s thinking like a donut of reason, which surrounded a mass of confusion, memory failure, anger, inability to recall and process what she was hearing......and said that LO was becoming more and more anxious because she was trying harder and harder maintain the donut of normalcy, but the mass of disrupted thinking increases and increases, making preserving the donut harder and harder.

No one is to blame, and ABSOLUTELY NO ONE should feel guilty. Your MIL has been placed, with love and consideration for her safety, in the best setting you could arrange for her. EVERYONE would have preferred that she and her loved ones be spared this vicious disease, but tragically she wasn’t.

Nearly ALL of us would have wanted to make other decisions on behalf of our LOs, BUT THERE WERE NO HAPPY, PERFECT DECISIONS AMONG THE CHOICES THAT WE HAD. So we made less than perfect choices and did the very best we could.

And so did you. Be at peace, and be grateful for the happiness you’ve earned.
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IhaveQuestions Aug 2020
Thank you AnnReid.....
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You are relieved. You did the right thing. The facility knew this behavior ahead of time and knew they could deal with it. Her anxiety will be handled by the House Dr. When you drove away from your house she said "goodby"and that is very important for you. She "finally accepted". The house Dr. and staff will deal with all aspects of her behavior. For you and your family..."reliefe".(spell), If you do not have some peace...get some help to "let go" and get into your routine.
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You are NOT a horrible person, you are someone who has been placed in a horrible situation. My MIL was the sweetest, kindest, most loving woman who used to love me like the daughter that she never had. But she developed Frontal Temporal Dementia and became a woman who didn’t know me and hated me for her own reasons.

Dementia is terrible thing, it steals our loved ones and places the caregivers in an impossible situation. Your relief is justified. We caregivers are not equipped or trained to deal with dementia. And even if we were, it’s such A terrible thing to deal with the abuse that comes with the disease.

I, too, was relieved when we moved my MIL to a locked facility. When she was living with us, I had to basically hide from her 24/7 in my own house. For 2 years I was a ghost, cooking dinner for her and my husband then making a plate to eat in our family room alone. If I sat at the table with my husband and MIL she would scream horrible things at me even when I was completely silent and attack me for no reason at all. Family functions were no better. Her family didn’t understand the disease or the person she had become. They couldn’t understand her hatred of me or why I would sit somewhere out of her sight, or leave a room when she walked in.

It broke our hearts to put her in a facility, but it gave me a small sense of peace to be able to live in my home without hiding from her. I could occasionally visit her and she would act like I wasn’t even there, but didn’t scream at and attack me.

You deserve your peace of mind in your own home. There is no reason to feel guilty or that you’ve done something wrong by her. We are not equipped to detach ourselves emotionally from those that we love while caregiving. I hope that everyone’s comments help you to feel better about the situation. You deserve to feel at peace.
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IhaveQuestions Aug 2020
What a horrible situation for you! I am so sorry you had to endure that for 2 years! You are obviously a very strong person. I caved after just 6 months. Thank you for sharing that with me.
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Being detached from your family is never easy. I know myself with divorce. Although not the same thing but in a sense being rejected is a hard thing for everyone. Even though she has dementia that is still a heart subject. My mother would talk about things she does with family members that had already passed away. And then there were times when she seemed perfectly normal. Your not a bad person putting her where she can get the care from trained individual's. I would say that is very caring on your part. So I wouldn't feel bad about that. You did what you could. We decided to keep my mother home up until the end and it was not easy. I know if and when my father needs to go I will be content in knowing I did what I could for him and he's getting the care that he needs.
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Yes you are having normal feelings!!! I can so relate to you because my mom died of a brain tumor too, and died at 64 only 4 months after diagnosis. The difference between that illness and dementia, which my dad had and just died at 99 is like night and day.
Your MIL has a brain disease that alters her thinking, rational side and behavior. It is very difficult to be around that behavior because it is often causes them to say cruel, crazy and hateful things. My dad too at times was verbally abusive. He also said we threw him away (a common thing they like to say). Please please please know that what you feel is so normal that it's likely that we all feel or felt it. I know you wish your MIL was like your mom just as I wished my dad could have been sweet like my mom but dear, this is dementia. Why wouldn’t you feel relief not to have to be under constant verbal abuse? Why wouldn’t you feel relief not to be under stress? Why wouldn’t you want a more normal life? I would also bet your husband is relieved too. You have done nothing wrong. You are feeling simply normal emotions so lose the stupid guilt. You are normal!
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IhaveQuestions Aug 2020
Thank you so much. It was just so hard to care for her when she was so hateful to me. And although my mom has been gone for 17 years now, it also made me miss her even more, having my MIL in my home. Alot of different emotions all tied up together and I just couldn't handle it. I am sorry about the passing of your mother. I'm sure it was the same situation with you, it was just such a shock for us that she passed so quickly after diagnosis.
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You are not horrible and your feelings are perfectly normal!
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IhaveQuestions Aug 2020
Thank you....
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I'll make this short... your feelings are normal and appropriate. Mental illness/breaks change people's responses and thought processes. Love her and understand that she is not herself. She is where she should be. If you didn't love her, you wouldn't care. Be at peace that she is in a safe place with care. Bless you and your family.
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IhaveQuestions Aug 2020
Thank you so much for your kind words. I am trying.
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Feeling relieved and happy is perfectly normal. Obviously from her behavior she needed to be in a facility. You did the right thing. Now she is safe and cared for 24/7. It may take you months to rest and recover. I hope in time she will welcome short visits. Sounds like she was a very different person than your mom. We are all different and these diseases bring out the worst of our personalities. I am caring for my mom and my husband's aunt. Their experiences with dementia is totally opposite.
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IhaveQuestions Aug 2020
Oh I am so sorry that you are dealing with two situations. That must be so hard. Thank you for your response. I am trying not to feel guilty for feeling so relieved.
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You are feeling a sense of relief from the constant responsibility that has become burdensome - that is absolutely a normal reaction. Nobody can survive happily under constant negativity, which is what many of the elders bring with them when they live with you. They are unhappy with their health and loss of “quality of life” and they take it out on their caretakers. Just having some privacy now, IN YOUR OWN HOME, must feel like you’ve gone to a private island resort. Do not feel bad, do not feel guilty. There are many people on this forum who wish they had the ability to make the same decision to move their “loved one” into a nursing home, but just cannot get to that point. Enjoy your newfound freedom.
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AlAljames4 Aug 2020
Exactly!
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After what you experienced on that day alone, you would be fine doing cartwheels. The memory loss and confusion are horrible, but the yelling and downright "mean"ness are sometimes even worse, aren't they? Don't feel guilty for enjoying the peace, quiet, and ability to form complex thoughts. You've earned them.
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AlAljames4 Aug 2020
Exactly!
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My FIL had a couple outbursts before they were able to move him into a SNF.  Mostly refusal of selfcare and to just leave him alone.  The one we witnessed was the day we visited a couple days before his move.  He had been having difficulty getting around needing a cane or a walker. Also having trouble getting out of a chair so they had bought him a lift chair.  As we were there and SIL was explaining to us the process he bolted out of his chair, yelled at us all to just leave him to die alone and lock him away and forget all about him, marched across the room and into the bathroom slamming the door behind him.  We just all sat there with our mouths open.  SIL said while he was reluctant on moving day it went well, he had been attending a day program at the facility so they had him attend that day and then instead of getting on the bus for home he went to his room in the facility.  The people in the day program visited him during the 1st few weeks so he had lots of familiar faces aside from family.
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No, this kind of behavior thankfully id definitely not typical! How tragic for all of you! If, indeed the behavior of your demented relative was as described, you should not feel guilty. Obviously, this person needs careful close constant supervision in a facility that can watch over her day and night.Nobody should ever even consider trying to live with such a person. May God have mercy!
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AlAljames4 Aug 2020
Exactly!
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Normal and typical and oh so painful. But you will be OK because you can talk about it, admit your feelings, know your limitations. Your writeup about this painful time is really quite beautiful.
There is no way to fix everything. There is only doing the very best you can.
Those of us who are good and decent people (translate MOST of us) have uncomfortable feelings around having to do things this painful. When my brother died last May there were days I longed to have his suffering over. And at the end, along with knowing that the man who has been here for me every single day of my 78 years was gone, I knew such relief. He had been diagnosed with probably early Lewy's. As we talked about everything all our lives we talked about this, where it would eventually take him, what he would lose, and how we, Hansel and Gretel in the Woods all our lives, would negotiate this scary forest together. Now he was gone. And my strongest feeling was relief. That he didn't have to go there anymore, with all the losses.
How do you say to someone that you felt RELIEF at the loss. You just DID. I just DID. And it is so important to tell the truth of these things. I don't believe for a second that your heart doesn't BREAK for her. I KNOW it does. But I also see you are strong enough to defend your one and only life the best you can and STILL take care of this poor woman. My heart breaks for her. There isn't a one of us who doesn't recognize that this, if we live long enough, is where we are going. And the awful truth is that we WILL, for the most part, be helpless and unwanted.
As much as I loved my bro we never for a moment thought about living together; I know my limitations. He knew his control issues.
We do the best we can. There is no way to avoid pain. Not for your MIL, not for you, not for my bro, not for me. But while life goes on we must live it for ourselves, and help others to the extent we are able.
My heart goes out to you. You did the right thing. You did it in the right way. It is just that there is no "fix" for any of this. We come face to face with out limitations, our inadequacies, and broken hearts all around.
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IhaveQuestions Aug 2020
Thank you so much. I had just been struggling with my feelings of loving her but rapidly beginning to not "like" her. I know that we have made the right decision for the both of us.
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It's very difficult for you, your husband and mother-in-law. How is your husband coping? If your MIL has dementia, remember that she can have good days and bad days. She'll probably not remember what she said to you in a few days. Don't take it personally. Nobody likes changes, and they are more difficult for people with dementia and older people. Despite what she says, try to visit her as often as you can. There may be limitations during the pandemic. She may ask to be taken "home" which often means back to a time when she was independent and young. No you are not a horrible person. Talk to a social worker or therapist about this, if you need help coping. And if your mother is able, she may also benefit from a therapist. Talk to the people at her facility to find out how she is when you are not there, and what they suggest if she is feeling anxiety and resisting the move.
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What I hear is a loyal compassionate family person. When you know in your heart that you haven't done anything to harm a (documented) mental, or physical impaired person, that you're helping to care for you shouldn't subject yourself to turning into that same scenario, securing the necessary long term care that'll be needed for them that only professionals can provide strengthens your capacity to assist, and allows everyone to live the life given to us. Wishing blessings to you and yours, please take this opportunity for some normalcy, tomorrow is not promised to anyone.
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You did the right thing. Your MIL is safe and in hands of professionals. You needn’t feel guilty. Most super seniors strongly reject leaving their homes and their life as they know it. It marks a grave turning point in their lives. It is scary and traumatic.
That said, the amount and quality of care is extremely difficult for family to do- and it gets more difficult as time goes by. Your MIL is much more typical than your mother, for many reasons.
My mother, who is now 103, vehemently lashed out with, “Don’t you put me in a nursing home!!”
It took about five to six family members to take care of all her needs plus her house. It was daunting.
One night she fell on the way to the bathroom and broke her femur (of course, she was alone).
Fortunately, she got to a hospital for the broken bone and when she was well enough, they sent her to a skilled nursing facility- which transitioned into an Assisted Living.
She is there now, safe and quite content. Yes, she wants to “go home”, but deep down she knows she is much better off where she is.
Her family and friends visit often and she has a new social life.
A lousy way to make the move, but she is so much better cared for at a place that is equipped to do the job.
You did the right thing! Visit her. Bring her stuff. It was the wisest option.
Best wishes
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Your feelings sound normal to me. Don't feel guilty about feeling free, because you won't really feel free for long. You're going to have to interact with the facility almost daily, monitoring her medical care, medications, behavior problems, incidents with other residents, falls, hospitalizations, physical therapy--as well as facility bills, medical bills, insurance, health coverage, social security, bank and other accounts, etc. It will not end until a few years after she passes away.

Here's something people don't think of, but it happened with my mother. She is in a very nice, very expensive memory care residence. It was a good decision at the time, over a year ago, but now, since the pandemic, things have changed and I would prefer to move her to my city, 3,000 miles away from her area. But she fell in love with another resident about 10 months ago and they are together 24 hours per day. She doesn't want to leave! He is worse off than she is. He gets very agitated if she doesn't stay in the same room with him, 24 hours per day. So not only is she trapped in the building due to pandemic, she is trapped in a room with an agitated man who yells at staff on a daily basis. I'm paying $9,000 per month (of her money) so she can live with daily yelling matches in her room, and of course the dip in quality of care she's getting due to pandemic, with staff shortages and substitute staff who have less training. I'd like to save the money and take her out--at least she would be able to go outdoors every day if she lived with me--but she doesn't want to leave her boyfriend, so I would be the bad guy, big time, if I took her out.

Sounds like your MIL is pretty crabby, but she could fall in love with a resident too. That would throw a monkey wrench into the plan if you needed to move her for some reason.

Main idea--things you never thought of and never even heard of are going to come up. Every week. So enjoy this taste of freedom while you can.
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IhaveQuestions Aug 2020
Oh my! That is something to deal with. Good luck to you!
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Seems you were under a lot of stress caring for a person with difficulty coping. She probably has anxiety and frustration over things she can not control or understand. People with fear tend to cry, complain, lash out or a little of all of this. Since she appears to have Alzheimer's dementia, she will do best in an environment with a lot of structure and routine. Many caregivers want to care for their loved ones with dementia until they pass peacefully. Unfortunately, many dementia patients get to a stage where they need 24/7 supervision and very controlled environments to prevent injury or getting lost outside. Most people are not willing - or physically able - to live that way.

So you did the right thing to help your MIL get the help she needs in a smaller residential facility. Her first week(s) may be a little difficult as she adjusts to their routine. In the long run, she will do fine and get the attentive help she needs - 24/7.

Feeling "happy" about moving her is not selfish or "wrong". You have been under a lot of stress caring for a person that needed more supervision and care than you could reasonably provide. Knowing that she is getting the care she needs and you no longer need to worry round the clock - is relief from stress. That is why you feel happy. A horrible person would not care and you do. Be OK with your new current circumstances.
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IhaveQuestions Aug 2020
Thank you!
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Hi
You said it in the third sentence.

I would not want my children to care for me .
Why would anyone want that. Of course if they have dementia they are not thinking clearly

For this reason a living will is important and discussing your wants and desires ahead of time.

Best
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