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My father has dementia (diagnosed). He seems perfectly normal most of the time, except for being slightly forgetful. However, there is one very concerning symptom. He's making up these elaborate stories. My mother died nearly 10 years ago and he was content on not looking for someone. Now that he has dementia he has been searching Facebook and every week he tells me he has a new "girlfriend". My siblings and I have noticed on multiple occasions that the conversations he has with these girls are one-sided. He messages them literally hundreds of times and they never reply. The conversations are sometimes dirty, but very detailed. One time he even said he was supposed to meet a girl, but couldn't find her house. They were then going to meet at a public place, but she never showed up. When we have tried to "call him out" on these conversations, he makes up excuses such as "it was just there, they deleted the conversation" or "they're using a fake name". This is really strange because his every day life is completely normal, except for these stories.


My siblings have been discussing deleting his Facebook, but there are mixed thoughts on that. I know of at least one conversation where a woman replied and threatened to call the cops on him, but she blocked him instead. Other times they don't see his messages at all because they're not friends on Facebook or they just outright block him. He then approaches one of us to say he "accidentally blocked someone" and we explain that, no, in fact they blocked him. I don't want him to end up in jail or robbed.


Advice?

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In todays world wild social media postings can turn into tragedy. If you have the authority IE power of attorney I suggest you use your best judgement and common sense and make a decision. Worse than the police showing up at your door is an angry boyfriend or father showing up, Based on what you described having to restrict your father if it is not already commonplace it will be soon. You just have to get used to it.
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You should secure his Facebook account. Think of those who could really hurt him in a variety of ways also, not to mention what HE has been doing.
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Looks like the overwhelming majority people who have posted feel it is best to delete his Facebook account or at least alter the settings so that he is not at risk for being taken advantage of or receiving backlash from bothering others. I totally agree. I especially like what JoAnn stated in her posting.

There is more harm in him keeping it. There isn’t any true benefit to him having it. At this point in time he isn’t able to use it responsibly so it makes perfect sense to remove the temptation.

Absolutely tell his doctor of this and any other behavior changes. Best wishes to you and your family.
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Unfortunately his inappropriate behavior is probably also illegal. I would hate for you to have to unravel that mess if the other party were to press charges. I'd suggest that the phone "break" and you replace it with a flip phone (or kid's phone) or GrandPad where you can restrict who he can contact. "This is all I have, Dad, so it needs to do for now."
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Unfortunately some dementia patients, were omen and men become compulsive sex seekers. Sounds like he really wants to “hook up”
my dad going thru this in independent living. He’s been there 5 years but all of a sudden he has to have a woman. Dr gave him anti depressant to suppress the compulsive behaviors and says this happens, depending on what part of the brain is deteriorating . At least he is just online and not in a facility where there the opposite sex is available.
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gaknitter Mar 2020
I had to place controls on desktop because DH was visiting inappropriate sites and becoming quite obsessed about it. I controlled access with a password as well so he couldn't just turn it on and get on it. He has not been on PC in months and I don't think he'd remember what to do if he was ever able to now. I think it' s a common problem with the disease, particularly in men. I know of inappropriate behavioral problems in facilities where the presence of the other sex seems to exacerbate the issue.
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This is just a thought, and will sound unrelated...but if you take away this "outlet" be aware that he may find another in the same/similar vein. This comes to mind because of my mother with dementia who can appear quite functional. She was making us insane because she was throwing the wrong things in the trash and recycle bins. She is OCD about repeatedly emptying wastebaskets. When we found a bag of poo in the recycle bin, and a good container lid and unreceived mail in the trash ripped to pieces, we installed locks on the bins (meant for refrigerators). The peace that brought was short-lived when I realized she has just moved on to dump things in the other trash cans dad has reserved for bird seed storage and yard waste items...so now we have to see if we can hide or secure them...
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If he has dementia (diagnosed), who diagnosed him? Was formal testing done? Did the examiner have training in psychiatry or psychology AND geriatrics?

“Dementia” means a disordered thought process, so for you to perceive that “he seems perfectly normal most of the time” or “his every day life is completely normal” may be allowing you to give him a pass that isn’t safe for him to have. “Dementia” is different from person to person, but the overall impact is definitely global. His recently observed change in behavior is certainly potentially an unsafe situation for him, and by your observation reveals his current inability to assess his actions in an appropriate way.

Could one of his children “share” his online time with him, while providing you with the ability to observe what he’s doing? Would it be feasible for you to say that the price of his service is too much for him to be on for long periods of time? Are there any distractions that could be used to get him away from his cyber tools?

If he has dementia, no one can really know if “he makes up excuses” or instead, if that is his reality in a given moment, or as a reaction to his belief being challenged.
Calling him out probably won’t be much of an advantage to him or to you.

His doctor needs to know about this, and a physical exam with labs (urinalysis for UTI) might hopefully give you some more clues to what’s going on. Slip a note to the receptionist in the doctor’s office mentioning that his actions have drastically changed.
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Once you said sometimes the messages are sometimes dirty and detailed. Once I read that my mind was made up. You have to prevent him from posting on others sites. And you do not want someone scamming him.
Is there a way that you could set it up just like you would do for a young child? My little grand son is on FB and I KNOW my daughter has pretty tight control. I do not "do" FB so I don't know what controls there are but I know they are there. Just like on my remote for the TV there are channels I can block.
(This is what you really needed isn't it...advice on FB from someone that is clueless! ;) )
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Make his phone safe for him to use. You are right, all it would take is one scammer to play a con game and that would be it. Facebook has many settings to block people so maybe you could check that out. The question is, would he know?
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Cancel the whole darn internet....
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throw the phone.....AWAY... Nope, it's not available anymore.
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I vote to delete it. It's only a matter of time before a catphishing financial predator finds him. Monitoring his activity is extra work and stress you don't need. Get him a phone with no internet.
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Delete his account. Then tell him there were probably harassment complaints filed against him so FB shut his acct down.

I am surprised they haven't already.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2020
Good point, JoAnn

Yeah, it’s kind of like giving a child something that he isn’t ready for. It’s our responsibility to keep our children safe.

Elderly parents become like our children and we are responsible for them because sometimes they are losing the ability to make proper decisions for themselves.

Role reversal. We become our parent’s parents and they become the children.
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I understand totally that the only reason that you would want to delete his account is for his own protection. I can also see where there would be mixed feelings on this by your siblings.

It’s a shame but why put him at risk for this type of aggravation? There are other ways of communication besides Facebook. If Facebook becomes more of a nuisance than a help or pleasure, it doesn’t make sense to keep it.

You have valid concerns regarding this matter.

As I stated earlier, do tell his doctor about any behavior changes and they can advise what they feel is best. It’s always helpful and wise to get objective advice from his professional medical staff as needed. Best wishes to you and your family.
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I would not delete his Facebook account because you can at least monitor what is going on. I would send all of his girlfriends a message that says he is being treated by a doctor and ask them to please just block him and apologize for his inappropriate behavior. Tell them that his brain is broken and he is not a true risk. Most people are very understanding when you are honest with them.

Get him checked and seen as Barbbrooklyn said. This could easily be treated and if not, you now have better information with which to make decisions.
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cherokeegrrl54 Mar 2020
Excellent advice!!
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Speak to his doctor about any changes in his behavior.

Delete Facebook if his behavior stays the same.
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This is what is called a "change in mental status".

Call dad's doctor. He should be tested for a UTI which can cause behavioral symptoms in the elderly with no other signs.

If UTI is ruled out, get dad to a geriatric psychiatrist to figure out the best way to treat these delusions.
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