Follow
Share

In British Columbia, Canada, doctor-assisted suicide is now a legal right. That is, if you're not demented or suffering the ravages of alzheimers disease. My 82 year-old father's life is a living nightmare; it must be akin to a bad acid trip except that it's permanent. My once proud father, always meticulously dressed, who loved soccer and Italian opera, has been reduced to an incontinent babbling shell of a human being. Every minute of every day is relentless mental anguish; it's crying and head clutching and behaving in ways that are so fundamentally contrary to his character that I hardly know how to process it.

There are no drugs for this; there is no remedy; there is no hope. It's a ghastly horror. And he never would have wanted to live his way. The doctors say, "We have to change the laws." Right now, a rational person cannot "consent" to doctor-assisted death for something that hasn't happened yet. Which is absurd... And obviously the demented person has no say. What the family wants means nothing, we aren't to be trusted.....except with 24-7 care giving which saves the system billions of dollars every year. We're trusted with that.
My feeling is this: If a demented person cannot consent to die, they also cannot consent to live. They can't consent to anything; it's over. Their "life" is a pointless, meaningless waste, by any measure: time, resources, money..not to mention the wasted lives of family members. Care givers have got to speak up - write to your members of parliament or congress; say it to every doctor you encounter. The more it is talked about, the faster these laws will be changed.

Because this is inhumane. It's cruel. It's a ghastly existence that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Every die I pray that he'll die....why can't we show any mercy? Am I the only one who feels utterly bewildered by this?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Vancouver5 - You are not alone. I am with you 100%. I don't ever wish to exist like that, nor make my children take care of me in that condition. I wish to die with dignity.
Helpful Answer (11)
Report

Vicious circle of bureaucracy.

I would not want to live a miserable horrid existence, however, if I'm ignorantly blissful, feed me and house me.

I'm sorry you have to go on this difficult journey.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

I am trying to get things set up so that if I am every diagnosed with dementia, things will be easy for me to take action so I don't need to live this way. I would love it if I could sign a paper telling my kids that if I reach such and such a stage of dementia that I would have the same right to die as someone who has cancer (we live in a right to die state).

Alzheimer's is a fatal disease, it just is a very long process.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

Well, I'll be darned if I'll wind up like my mother-95 years old, stage 6 Alzheimer's, doesn't remember ANYTHING and believes she has horrible headaches (which 5 doctors refute).

She says she wishes she could die on many visits.

I will try to get neurologically checked out if I see any slipping in my mental process. (Some say they didn't notice anything but I believe they're in denial.

I'll be living in Mexico when I retire. For a few pesos you can get a prescription for anything.
Taking enough sleeping pills would do the trick.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

I'm living a similar situation with my 86 year old mother. She's a shell of the person I knew and loved as my mother. She can barely walk, is miserable, and suffers from some sort of dementia that we can't get doctors to diagnosis. The sad part is that nothing I do can make her better, or happy again. I can't bring my daddy back or my older brother, and she misses them both terribly. I can't make her physically able to live in the home she and my dad built in the 1950's; the home where her soul still resides, the home of her memories and lost life. I often think she would be much happier to close her eyes in sleep one night and just not wake up, at least in the this life. Yet, I am not God and at least for me, I have reconciled that the moment of her physical death is not my decision to make.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

I've got to say that a lot of conditions cause people to say "I'd rather be dead" - than be blind, than in a wheelchair, than go through chemo .... My own brother said it when he was faced with terminal cancer, but the thing is that was as much fear of pain and the unknown as a rational choice. IMO there is a huge difference between someone who faces a terminal diagnosis or guaranteed intractable pain and misery choosing when to die and someone on the outside making decisions on at what point another person's life has no value.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Well I am with you for myself. Trouble is, if I was at 'that' stage, would I know? How would I be able to say yes?

I, for sure, do not want to burden my family. With the care of me and the feelings they will get because of the state of me. I have told ALL of them that if I am like this, that or the other then I would not want to carry on.

What a dilema
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

I am with you as well. Both of my parents have dementia and I know they would not like to live on for years and years as a shell of who they were.. nor would I if I was in their position (and I very well might be some day).

The only legal thing you can do is go the hospice route during end stage.. although that isn't a guarantee that they still won't live on and on for years. For sure I wouldn't want a bunch of live saving measures that would cause me to live on.

In the movie Still Alice.. she tried to get a plan together and hoard some pills.. but when the time came.. she wasn't with it enough to follow through. Its easy to plan this when you are far away from having to follow through.. but I imagine it will be very difficult once you are there and in the moment..

My parents are in memory care and there are several people there that are really just living corpses.. they just exist. If they have a strong heart they could live on and on for years. My parents are still with it enough to still have some quality of life.. I would hate to see them eventually turn into these type of people that have absolutely no quality of life.

I wish there was a good solution to this.. when your brain is gone.. you should be gone.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report

Chdottir, Check out dementia-directive.org. This has info and form that you may find useful.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

It all comes down to "you" being able to say this is what I want. Its a conflict of interest for a family member especially if able to inherit.

I don't believe in prolonging the inevitable. If they found a cure in th1e very early stages that stopped the progression, I am all for it. Some meds help with symtoms but I would want no med that only slowed the progression. Who wants to be in a Dementia state for years. Some knowing something is wrong but can't understand it even if u try to explain. This is probably your Dad, its frustration even anxiety. If not already on something, a med may help.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I am so sorry you and your Dad are going through that. Here in the US, a few states offer physician assisted suicide, but you have to be competent and have only six months to live. Alzheimer's is a terminal disease, but doesn't qualify, and that is just so wrong. We put humans through living nightmares well past the point where we take our beloved pets on their last trip to the vet, and hold them while the vet gives them a shot so they can die, painlessly, in our arms.

If I ever have any form of dementia, or even mild cognitive impairment, I am going to Dignitas, a clinic in Switzerland that offers assisted suicide for practically anything, including depression. They gave it to a healthy 72 year old retired nurse who had worked in care homes and did not want to wind up like that herself. My mother, with mild vascular dementia and severe arthritis, is much easier than most on this site, but I've decided that there is no way I will allow my daughter to be a caregiver. I want her to live her life.

And I don't want to suffer through that myself.
I literally pray every day that I get cancer like my father did.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I think many caregivers (family) at least wish their loved one would die soon to spare them more suffering and indignity.

I am in the US and a lot of people for religious reasons would never condone ‘mercy killing’ because that’s what we’re talking about here. A few of our states have passed laws legalizing euthanasia, Oregon for one. In every state it seems ‘hospice’ is called into cases at the drop of a hat. Some doctors recommend hospice prematurely, IMO.

I don’t like legislating serious life choices like this. I think it’s a slippery slope to allow the family to decide if a member is to be euthanized. Next, who else will have that life and death power to decide? Doctors? The government?

But I do agree that socialistic medical systems LOVE and encourage the elderly to be kept at home so they can save money. In the US a big industry of elder care facilities are popping up every where. There’s a fortune to be made on the baby boomers aging ordeals. It’s $2000-$6000 per month for assisted living facilities.

I’ve heard of individuals moving to Oregon to utilize the euthanasia laws there.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Although not quite at the same place yet with my Mom, we have even discussed it years ago where she indicated she would never want to live like that. I know that counts for nothing and it's discouraging as dementia runs in the family and I don't want to end up that way either but I guess what I want doesn't matter...
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

As a teenager I wondered why we talk about ending the lives of animals in pain as being "humane" yet won't give cancer patients enough medication to dull their pain because it might suppress their breathing resulting in a earlier death. It's humane to end the pain of an animal but not a human being?

I'm not comfortable with others deciding to end another's life - just too many conflicting interests and potential for misuse.

I would be agreeable to a quality of life document where someone while still competent could list a series of conditions (terminal illness, dementia diagnosis, deemed incompetent, doesn't recognize spouse and/or children, cannot speak, cannot eat, bedridden, etc) that when some combination were met a physician could assist an early death. I would want a physician to sign the original document declaring the person was competent at the time the document was signed. And a different physician to later execute the document.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

I agree that the later stages of dementia are so far removed from a dignified life worth living. We are caring for my husband's mother who is 96. She is not yet at this stage but has a brother in memory care facility who no longer recognizes any of his loved ones. He is merely existing due to the caring of staff. Soon, he will be completely out of funds and have to go on public assistance.

I find it hard to believe that society can't see that prolonging life in this way is a bad choice for both the patient and the rest of us. No one in this condition would be able to survive without constant attention from caregivers. No one I know who is watching this decline wants to endure it themselves or put family members through the ordeal.

I do think that a living will document should include questions pertaining to dementia since this disease is on the rise with our extended lifespans. I would gladly say that I prefer death to a lengthy descent into oblivion.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

My SIL is a doctor--and a believer in dr assisted suicide, which is not legal in my state and will never be.

We've talked at length about the lack of dignity and agony that so many of his patients suffer (he's a GI--so he sees colon cancer--a horrible way t go) and his heart aches for the patient, the family--well, he's very compassionate.

I watched my sweet, sweet father live nearly 2 years from a fractured spine due to his falling from Parkinson's. NOTHING ever stopped the pain. It was beyond heartbreaking. He asked me several times to OD him on his pain meds, but he never had quite enough on hand to do it. I often wonder if I would have, if I could have.

So---after this, and seeing so many people suffer so severely---I do believe in dr assisted suicide. My SIL has promised me a trip to Oregon when I'm "there"--although problem being, I probably won't be AWARE I'm "there". (B/C wer're a bit of a quirky family-we do speak oddly about this--last week SIL was in town, I was making a quick grocery store run and he said " Hey can I come". Sure, I don't get to spend near enough time alone with guy. We told the rest of the family we were taking off and my other SIL said "Oh, you going to Oregon? Well, come hug me goodbye".

I'm sure I'm well into the eye rolling 'OMG my MIL is crazy" and the trip to Oregon. I hope someday I can out this into legalese and stick it in my will, I don't want to live one month past my sell by date.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
Pepsi46 Jul 2018
I am so sorry. My prayers will be for you and your family. I am not a holy roly, but if you read my post above, where I spoke to my own doctor about this, you will understand that is was my choice.
So, my dear, go in peace to Oregon. You are doing the right thing.❤️
(2)
Report
You are definitely NOT alone... We have the choice here in the US to choose to humanely euthanize a suffering pet... What a blessing, sad and upsetting as it always is, but what a blessing to have this option. It takes the GREATEST ACT OF LOVE to choose to put ourselves through this for our pet... for THEIR sake and ours.. ! Keeping someone alive who has no quality of life left, who are in un-treatable pain and suffering, with no hope for any "better days" ought to be "criminal". WHY do most countries force these people to keep living? Fear and profit? No doubt religions have created most of the FEAR of being a "murderer" if you allow a human to be relieved of their suffering and over time they influenced laws and regulations. And then there is the MONEY insurance and medical facilities make keeping people barely alive. Of course, I understand the legitimate concerns that adult children might want their inheritance and make a poor, selfish decision. But let's put in sensible laws and regulations based on an individual's medical evidence. But doctors would need to be logical and not religiously and personally influenced by their own fear and religious beliefs and provide the medical evidence that a patient is beyond help and because of their suffering provide the "prescription" for humane euthanasia. It's a difficult road, but one we must pursue on behalf of all of us. I also feel we should be able to add this option to our "Advance Directives" while we're young.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

I am caring for my mom with vascular dementia, I watched my sister's mother in law waste away with dementia to be a non functional human being until she pass away. We have dementia on both sides of my parents. my father has put a DNR in place for my mom as vascular dementia is stroke oriented, I want the choice to die with dignity I'm 47 , being a carer is the hardest job I have ever done. I gave up running a 5 star hotel to look after my mom and dad full time. Assisted suicide is ilegal in Ireland so I would have to go to Holland.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Pepsi46 Jul 2018
Read what I posted above your post. I hope it helps you.
(0)
Report
Alzheimers (?) Patients, or dementia patients usually learn in advance that they have it. While still in the normal frame of mind, but slowly losing themselves. MANY people have spoken privately with their doctor about the future.
I know this, if I was diagnosed with either, I spoke to my own doctor regarding this. I don't and will not live(?) like that.
Not only is it terrible, especially after a productive, happy life, but what it does to a family is unbelievable.
My friends Dad was the same as yours. And he lived for about 10-12 years with it. You know what went on.
Well, he died, naturally about 2-3 years ago. Hate to say this, but it was like a relief. Sounds mean, but it isn't.
My doctor knows exactly what I want to do.
Of course it's not legal, but there are ways they do it.
And you die with no pain and peacefully.
Niw remember, this is my choice, and I have a doctor who understands.
Find a doctor you can trust and understands.
I did.
May God bless you. I do know the hell you are going through.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

My mother had Alzheimer’s and I thank God every day that she also had an abdominal aortic aneurism. The aneurism was treated with a stint before she was showing definite signs of Alzheimer’s but the stint started leaking about 4 years later when she was still at home but obviously off the rails. My father took her to the vascular surgeon and that surgeon told my dad that he had to refuse to do the repair. He said that she wouldn’t be able to follow instructions In recovery room, and her quality of life had to be considered. Thank God for that surgeon! She got worse and worse with the Alzheimer’s and died suddenly about two years later in the er after the nursing home found her unresponsive in bed. By then she wasn’t talking or feeding herself or doing anything. There were glimmers that she may have recognized my dad because he visited her every day.
I’ve told everyone in my family that I will not live with that or put them through that and I will find a way to off myself even if I have to wander off and jump off a cliff. If my mother had known what was in store for her she would have done the same thing.
That is not living, it’s not even what I would call existing because the person isn’t there anymore. My heart goes out to everyone that is suffering through this. There has to be an answer other than warehousing people. I live in the US.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter