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Hubby handles all doctors appts 3/week and the usual ER visits as he is retired. His brother works full time and helps as much as he is able. His parents live alone, have limited resources and refuse to move. They are not able to drive and are past the point of caring for themselves. Sister in law "quit" helping when parents caused fights, I can't say I blame her. The parents lived with brother/wife until they insisted on going home. Parents' neighbor is a fantastic woman and does their food shopping/daily check-ins. I work full time and handle all medicine ordering, scheduling of dr's appointments.


I'm sick with guilt but we have no choice but to move.


Does anyone have any suggestions to help ease through this transition?


We're both sick over leaving his brother "holding the bag" and don't even know how to talk to him about it.

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If she survives, it looks like some rehab time and maybe eventually LTC. Which is probably the decision that should be made since there will be no one to do 24/7 care.

I agree, BIL is too overwhelmed at this time and FIL probably isn't helping.

Prayers going up.
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Well MIL is in ICU at the moment and is on a roller coaster of will she or won't she live. It's been 14 days since her surgery and it's one medical issue after another. What was once a firm decision of "no machines" by FIL, has turned into a full blown whatever is necessary to keep her alive, regardless of her condition. He won't give up. Of course my mom then fell and suffered a fracture which now requires Orthopedic visits & PT - none of which she'll truly give a chance. At this point there has been no discussions with my BIL about moving, we are in a holding pattern as no one thought MIL would live through this. Yet she keeps holding on. I've left it in hubbys hands to tell me when it feels right to have this discussion w/BIL, but he's overwhelmed and I cannot add to his sorrow at this point.
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NYDaughterInLaw Mar 2019
"He won't give up"? Do you mean your husband or BIL?
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Talk to him about it. "It is time for us to make other plans" The necessary care details are already established. Now is the time for re-distribution.
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Well its been 9 days since Meaghans last post. I wonder how things went. I hope she told the family she is moving.
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I'm not sure what brought this back around, I see it's from a week or more ago. But if you haven't already addressed this...the fact is your circumstance has changed. You aren't moving to get away from the situation you are moving because that's your family situation, your job is moving you. It's really no different now than it would have been had this move come up 5 or 10 years ago. It doesn't mean you and DH will stop contributing to the care of his parents it just means things will need to adjust a bit. You can still schedule Dr appointments, order meds etc I do it from 400 miles away. You DH, BIL and maybe SIL (?) along with any other family members involved in care simply need to lay your cards out. Here is what DH has been doing that he wont be able to once you move, how are we going to get them accomplished? It isn't all on you or DH to figure that out it's on the family team of caretakers and perhaps asking for ideas from SW, doctors, anyone would be helpful but the decision is up to all of you. Perhaps it is time for AL, perhaps not but you all have to be on board with that and honest about what you are and aren't able or willing to do. If BIL doesn't want to push AL/NH then he needs to be able to make the things happen to prevent that. You are willing to help but can only do so much and no one can make good decisions or come up with ideas unless everyone is honest and clear about what they can do/contribute to it all. Your SIL was right to say I can't do this anymore, maybe with the new factors, you being 350 miles away, she can take one or both to some doctor's appointments and your BIL and or neighbor/friend/next gen can do some. Even if you have a van or transport of some sort take them to an appointment and then be in the room via Face Time or speaker phone, Skype (we did this while mom was in the hospital and do it during some appointments one of us in person and one electronically). This is always going to be an adjusting situation, even when they move into AL/NH/MC it isn't all smooth sailing, there is still plenty of things that need to be done and ever changing situations. You need to be able to figure out how to best adjust together as a family, as a team. Support each other as well as Mom and Dad but you can't allow each other to feel guilty about changes in your lives that require changes in the "teams" lives, it's just the way life rolls.
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Next steps:
1. Family meeting with the discharge planner.
2. Family meeting with the discharge planner.
3. Family meeting with the discharge planner.
4. Family meeting with the discharge planner.
5. Family meeting with the discharge planner.
6. Family meeting with the discharge planner.
7. Family meeting with the discharge planner.
8. Family meeting with the discharge planner.
9. Family meeting with the discharge planner.
10. Family meeting with the discharge planner.

"We didn't plan on telling you, our loving family, this way but the discharge planner needs to know that my awesome and loving husband and I are moving 350 miles away for work and cannot be part of long-term care plans." Then be quiet and let the discharge planner do his/her job.
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faeriefiles Mar 2019
Remembering that the hospitals discharge planner may not always have the best interest of the patient at the forefront. From what I've seen this planner is there to make sure that when discharging those unable to care for themselves they can secure the responsibility on someone else in order to avoid the hospital being liable should things go badly. I may be biased by bad experiences but it doesn't hurt to keep in mind who the planner is working for.
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Good for you for making the (hard) choice to do what is best for you & your husband. I admire your strength.

That said, my suggestion is when informing BIL of the upcoming move, your husband focus on what he can do to assist in their parents’ care. Your assistance is no more, just like BIL’s wife drew the line. Eventually, the neighbor will draw the line as well.  

Someone on this site said a while back to look after their needs, not necessarily their wants. It appears that your in-laws expect 3 other families to put their lives on hold so they can “age in place” — 3 families to stop living their lives so they can live the life they want. Bravo to you for saying no. This might be what BIL needs to help him set boundaries as well.
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I am sorry to hear that MIL is so ill, I hope that things work out for her.

I read that your BIL will not address the issue of care plans with his parents, maybe he will see the necessity now.

Maybe now is a good time to make stubborn FIL think out of his box. He doesn't get to control others lives, it's unreasonable. This may be the spring board that opens his eyes to the need of relocating where his dear wife can have care and be catered to with housekeeping, meal prep, laundry, other residents caring and sharing and both having a safe environment.

My prayers are with you that this will open eyes and shift perceptions.
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Well we're back at square one, MIL's ER visit turned into very serious life or death surgery, which now requires a lengthy hospital & nursing home stay for her, if she makes it. I cannot believe they were willing to operate in her condition. FIL of course will not stay over with either one of his sons. I'm sure he expects someone to run him up there everyday.
Of course we haven't mentioned our move yet. Not that i need to defend myself but my job is moving and I am not willing to give up my income. We have a limited number of years to provide for ourselves or we'll be in the same position they are in, its not negotiable.
We're somewhat flexible with timing, but its not open ended for sure.
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BarbBrooklyn Mar 2019
Does anyone ever say " no" to dad? Or suggest a cab?

I think you and your husband need to have a family meeting with the discharge planning folks and let them know that family support is about to be severely diminished.
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NeedHelpWithMom: Thank you for your kind post. I appreciate it. And yes, JoAnn was spot on accurate!
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In my opinion, no one should take on the responsibility of caregiving without having the authority to do so. And authority means having durable POA for medical and financial for each of your parents.

If your in-laws expect their children to drop everything in order to get them through yet another "emergency" but not change anything about what brings them to the point of "emergency", that's unreasonable.

When I faced similar stubbornness and denial in my in-laws, I started conversations with my husband about what I saw his parents' reality to be. I noticed things about how my in-laws were aging that my husband either wasn't seeing or didn't want to acknowledge. And the list only got longer with time.

We did as much as we could for them for as long as we could in order to keep them in their home but it burned both of us out. My in-laws started declining rapidly. Everyone was unhappy or depressed. We ran out of places to install grab bars!!! Yet they refused to face reality.

I did their grocery shopping, cooking, laundry, etc. in addition to waking up at 3 a.m. worried about calamity would befall us that day. I burned myself out and got so sick that it took me a year to recover. I also told my husband that caregiving for his parents was no longer working for me and things needed to change because I was finished with enabling his parents to live alone.

It was time for a family conference. Even after that initial family conversation, it took us 18 months of weekly conversations to get his parents to grudgingly accept that they needed help and that their children and their childrens' spouses could not provide all the help they needed.

They needed to downsize into a senior residential community. They fought us hard but all of us "children" stayed on message, which was that their safety and our peace of mind were paramount. They moved into a rental building for seniors that included all of their meals, utilities, activities, transportation, housekeeping, etc. And even with all of those services, we still needed to hire in-home attendants for my MIL, who since has died, and now for my FIL.

I usually don't write such lengthy posts but I was once in your shoes. Your in-laws are being unreasonable and irrational. Your husband is your partner in life. Caregiving must work for everyone involved.
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bettina Mar 2019
"Caregiving must work for everyone involved."

Exactly!
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I can't thank you all enough for your replies.
They have a will- but they will not sign a POA - FIL is quite cognizant but adamant they are not leaving their home - period. BIL cannot bring himself to force the issue but my hubby is willing. They cannot agree- I wonder if he had to spend his retirement running them ---would it change his mind?
FIL gets all his care free from VA - we've explored all options with them. He has a paid for caregiver for 4 hours/week. It used to be 20 hrs/week but they cut hours at the end of 2018. She's lovely and cleans the house (of course not up to MIL's standards!) We're applied for monthly stipend from VA on an expedited status - tons of paperwork - he's a WWII vet. We're requesting help with his VA patient advocate for transport to appointments.
Once again, Hubby is sitting in ER with MIL this morning , this time severe stomach pain- 4:45 am wake up call from the neighbor with an ambulance.
We've explored all options with Social Services in this area and have an assigned Social worker. There is a huge wait list for everything from home care, transport, home nurses - everything. We've obtained some premium relief on Medicare premiums. They are not eligible for Medicaid- slightly over the financial limit. They do receive Meals on Wheels and of course - they don't like it.
They own their house outright. A tremendous amount of MIL's SS goes to more expensive meds every month. It is truly medicare fraud in my opinion. She sees kidney, lung, cardio, thyroid, gastro and primary GP- a constant new ache requires multiple visits/tests, etc. We've tried to rein this in but she's a hypochondriac who's convinced the next pill is the miracle cure. There's always the fear that this time she's really ill, not exaggerating the symptoms for attention which has happened more than once. Negative attention is still attention.

I had written awhile ago about my own parents who are quite a handful. I have 4 siblings and that is a huge help - one is a geriatric RN. They also have a much better financial picture and can afford the costs of aging. I'm sure this battle is coming with them, mom's ready for AL - Dad is adamantly against. We have POA over health & finances. We are also all in agreement that we will force the issue when needed.
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PandabearAUS Mar 2019
I know it sounds harsh but if the help stops then they will be forced to face their reality. If they know that the team is down to one person this may help them understand their choices are clear. So speak to everyone now. Go to your BIL with a plan and also speak with neighbour as parents will most likely start asking her to do more
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First of all, your obligation and that of your husband are to you and your spouse. You work full time and have limited resources so you can't change that fact. I know nothing about the finances of the parents. However, I don't care how stubborn they are, someone should get a Power of Attorney since at their ages and mental states, I doubt they can make proper daily life decisions. Sit down with the brother of your husband and tell him honestly why you have to move. Then consider making them go into a health care facility. That way it does not all fall on your brother in law and they will be safe and cared for. Someone has to be responsible for them in every way, not just appointments and medicines. There is more to caring for them and while it is great to have such a nice neighbor, she obviously does what she does but I would not expect her to do more than that. So, do NOT feel guilty. Just meet with your husband's brother and be honest. And as to finances, Medicaid can help. You need to start doing something - now.
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If parents own home, sell it, move, hire others to help.
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My parents just passed away in September at the ages of 87 and 93. My sister lived about 1000 miles away and they had been living in the same area. She felt that their decline was too much to handle, and asked my brother and I to help them move back to our area, which is something that they had wanted. We sold their house and used the money to go into an independent living facility, which they loved. Their declince was rather fast and eventually had to move them to assisted living, which nearly wiped them out financially and emotionally. my brother has his own health issues so the care landed primarily on me (holding the bag). My sister's intent was to do as much as possible from her home thousands of miles away. It turned into constant criticism and trips to our area to double check on their care. In retrospect, it would have been much better for them both to stay in a home where they were happy with caregivers coming in...either in their home or in the independent living facility. My sister is angry at my brother and I , and the family is very split which is not what my parents wanted at all. My sister has many, many regrets and there is no going back.Keep you communication open, be kind, empathetic and honest while being realistic about what you are able to do. Try to respect the opinions of your parents so that you can live with yourself, and respect what family members say they can not do. The cost of in home caregivers ranged from 11 to 18 per hour and while we did this for a short time, it was well worth every penny. We alsp found a nursing student who needed a place to stay, so she did the overnights. All the best as you find a solution to this difficult problem.
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Your H has done his part, as has BIL and SIL (when the parents lived with them).

You have every right to move. He must talk to his brother, and then the two of them should approach their parents with insistence that things are going to change.

This "charade of independence" has lasted long enough.
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I have not read all the responses, so forgive me if I am redundant.

You have nothing to feel guilty about, your inlaws are choosing to stay in their home because they are not willing to do whatever is required to not be a huge burden to their children. That is on them.

I get wanting to stay in your home but I completely disagree that anyone can manipulate another to make this happen. And yes, refusing to do what is necessary is manipulating everyone you expect to step in and do for you because you can't and won't change.

I don't think it is anyone's responsibility to figure out what will be done to prop up this house of cards except the parents. Necessity is the mother of invention and when they are left to sort it out, they might make different decisions. As long as their children are propping them up they don't need to do anything different.

Tell you BIL that he shouldn't jump in and rescue them, let them figure it out. If they aren't able then they have no business staying in their house, time for a village.

Enjoy your relocation and I hope it works out well for you and your husband.
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You definitely need to talk to his brother asap. A lot of folks have given some great advice about possible game plans. You could also possibly consider helping out
financially a bit if you can afford it, although hopefully the sale of their house and whatever other funds are available to them might be enough. Hopefully they will be able to fund their own care.

I also helped out an elderly neighbor couple for many years, but chose to bow out rather abruptly as I was expected to take on more and more responsibility. All of my efforts at creating real independence for them, such as in home care, remodeling home for mobility issues etc, were undone by a friend and a couple of relatives a few days later. Yet they all continued to expect me to take up the extra slack for them. The extra work I did was only made necessary due to lack of planning and ignoring needed changes for safety, so I quit doing most of it.

Had they remodeled their home and hired in home care they could have stayed safe and sound for many years. (it does not sound like your in laws can afford this option) Or gone to a nicely appointed AL facility. Instead their home became unlivable, they wore out folks like myself, (as like is true for many naysayers and nit pickers, the friend and relatives did almost no work). They became ill and ended up in a not so great facility with few options.

In other words, don't count on that neighbor for continuing to help out. And if your BIL's wife is already burnt out, the care giving team has effectively shrunk to
a party of one. It really is time for them to move and find more appropriate accommodations.
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JoAnn29 Mar 2019
Been there done that and it was for a friend who was a juvenile diabetic who had lost a leg and couldn't drive. Her husband worked f/t so her medical bills could be paid. We started taking her Mom to her doctors just over the bridge in another state. Just maybe once a month. Because GFs husband worked we volunteered to take her to DE to doctors. No problem so far...until her adult challenged daughter got sick. Then we were taking her. Then oldest came home and GF asked if we could take her to dr. appts, here I put my foot down. In one month 3 days out of 7 in one month we were taking someone somewhere it got overwhelming. Yes, we r retired but I didn't plan on being a chauffeur all the time. I got out of it because my Gson was born and I watched him until he was about 2. At that time we had to take my Mom in and I couldn't do both. Some people don't know boundries.
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Here are some things I managed with my father remembering that he was an habitual gambler, which I didn’t know the depth of at the time
he ran out of money and my brother and I (unbeknownst to each other) gave him $5K each then he went and took out a reverse mortgage on his house, $100,000 K, That lasted him one year
his grandson visited him for a couple of hours while he did his and his grandfather,s washing. Every Saturday That lasted until my father asked for payment for using his water
i was working full time and running around taking him to Dr, dental and hospital appointments
Then one day there was a knock on the door and it was my brother from London
He had come to force dad to sell his house which was now worth a lot of money but he didn’t have the money to keep it. Also time to stop him letting others look after him when he was capable of doing it for himself

the house was sold
all debts paid off, now totalling $150,000K
my friend told me there was an apartment up for sale at the retirement village where his mother was. Cost $20K extra to bring it up to scratch and really nice. It had a full time nurse panic button and dr came every week in clinic
Then I made him put the remainder of his money in a term deposit so he couldn’t touch it and got a cheque book with dual signatures which I used to pay his bills that were paid from interest earned on term deposit. I just rolled the principal over and over
He still Gambled but only had his fortnightly pension to do so
Then I found two non for profit agencies, one through council and one through local diocese of Anglican Church who would pick him up and bring him home from appointments for a very low cost
Because of his age(80) he was entitled to a cleaner for one hour a week who would clean bathroom, kitchen change bed linen and hang out wash
Then I got POA and Enduring Care

so I think the brothers could do a similar thing. Is the father eligible for Veterans Affairs services. Lots of good things there

there really is no need for guilt and recriminations They are very old now and can’t stay in their home without a lot of help. Their house is capital and they should be using it. You all need to be as one and let them know gently but firmly this is the way
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bettina Mar 2019
Excellent plan of action. You both handled your father's situation very well
indeed. It allows dignity and quality of life for all involved.
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I agree 100% with JoAnn. Oftentimes the elder does think that their adult children will care for them into old age. They haven't planned for their future. My own late mother had an opportunity to move into senior apartment living, which included a helper to assist with ADL's. Her name came up to the top of the list. She turned it down, saying "I"m so happy I stayed in my own home." Well, I wasn't because now my dilemma is "What to do with mom as she is living 500 miles away from me, is legally blind, has A-Fib, CHF and such low blood pressure bordering on passing out?" I had to leave my state, family, home and life and move in with her. So meaghan, you're not alone in this dilemma/quandary. In a lot of cases, the caregiver is an elder themselves! A lot of towns have elder case workers on staff plus social workers. Call on that resource, talk to the brother and then sit down with the inlaws to tell them that things cannot go on as it is now.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2019
Llama,

Your answer echoes JoAnn and it is so true! You brought up many important issues.
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I read your back posts, where do your parents fit into all this?
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As I read you post again, your in-laws need so much help. You have 3 sets of people doing for them. Looks like they do nothing for themselves. Does anyone have POAs? Are they competent mentally. Because the way I see it, they need a nice Nursing home. They are past am AL. If POAs in place and they are found they can no longer make informed decisions, then I would start the Medicaid process if they have no money.

By being in a NH all their needs are met. They have nurses and doctors right there.

I really would examine all these dr. visits. With Mom, a thickening was seen in her upper stomach. Went to a specialist, he ruled cancer out but saw her every six months to watch it. After no change, I asked if she could go once a year. Once she was in NH with Dementia, I dropped the visit. Same with her thyroid doctor. Once her numbers were normal for a few visits and NH doctor said he would check her numbers, I dropped his now yearly visits. Moms PCP had her coming every two months. Mom had no reason why. His nurse, a family friend, asked why Mom was there. I told her I had no idea but if he asks why I am not bringing her again unless she needs scripts renewed or she is sick. He asked me why she was there. Just a way to milk Medicare. My friend has RA and Fibromyalgia and a few other problems. She was going to at least 3 doctors. One of them told her he could handle all 3 of her problems.
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I think some posters are being unfair here. Maybe where they live doesn't have the type of work DH is trained for. Maybe his company transferred him and by giving up his job would mean not receiving a pension he has worked towards. Maybe his job pays good benefits that if he quit he wouldn't be able to afford. They have two STUBBORN parents who don't see how their decisions effect their children's future. We have to secure our futures. Our parents should never have felt "my children will care for me". Yes, we have some responsibility towards our parents. Making sure they are safe, fed, clean and cared for. But what do you do when the parents won't compromise, they want it their way. Well life doesn't work that way.

Meaghan, you need to find what resources are available to DHs parents. Office of aging is a good start. If they are low income, then maybe homecare thru Medicaid. First talk to BIL and SIL soon. I get the impression if you could stay you would. Do in-laws really need appts 3x a week? Seems a little much. I cut back on some of Moms. Make a list of their needs. What will BIL be able to do and what not. Maybe SIL can work behind the scenes. Making appts, setting up transportation. There r senior buses. Then the boys go talk to parents. Explaining that things must change. If they have money, then maybe AL for them. Once they are in an AL the house can be cleaned out and sold for their care.

Get the mindset now, that you will probably have to make weekend trips home. I cleaned out a 2 story, walk in attic 125yr old Farmhouse where my Mom had accumulated 60 yrs of stuff. All by myself with help from DH with the heavy stuff. Still dealing with the house and Mom passed in 2017.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2019
JoAnn,

Great suggestions! As far as family helping though, you know how that goes. The ones who do the work, do it. The ones who don’t, they don’t do a thing. You are right, even just making phone calls would be a help but from my experience those who don’t help do absolutely nothing!

Ends up being more stressful trying to get them to help than just doing it themselves. Even if I dropped dead, I don’t think my brothers or SIL would ever say that they should have helped. They would most likely be upset that I died because then they would have to care for mom, which they wouldn’t. They most likely wouldn’t even research facilities. They would place her in first place they found.
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OP may have lost a job and be unable to find a replacement job in the area they live. They may be facing an unavoidable retirement and have to sell and move to be able to live on a small income. She is asking for advice and compassion. I agree that the problem is the parents, especially when they refuse to move. Definitely do your best to set things up for what you would do if you were an only child. Reach out to local resources as others have said.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2019
Maryjann,

Yep, circumstances change and adjustments have to be made. It is the parents that should think of these things.

I had a unique situation. Had to take mom in because she lost home in Hurricane Katrina and it was traumatizing for her, me too, my childhood home. Anyway, in a vulnerable situation that was so emotional for us, neither of us were thinking clearly.

Ironically when a person is young, with or without kids needs to plan for future. We don’t want to think of that when we are younger. I know I wasn’t mature enough at a younger age to think about such matters!
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right is right and wrong is wrong. it's my feelings that if you do the right thing ,then you will not feel guilty about dumping the old people ,but if you knowingly know that your excuse for dumplng them is for your own gain.then you have the problem of your knowing that you made the choice for self gain. my mother lived with us for over most of her life .because she was sick. my wife and myself of 66years married cared for her.my mother who had dementia.yes it cost us time .but we have the memories that she was with us until the end. and we thank GOD that HE allowed us the oppotunity to do the right thing.she cared for me when i was a child an i feel that it's the responsibilty of the children to care for the parents when they are old or unable to care for each other.right is right and wrong is wrong.
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NYDaughterInLaw Mar 2019
What is wrong is your post that's filled with nothing but judgment. What is wrong with you?

And if you're going to be all preachy, here's a dose of your own medicine:

Jesus went unto the mount of Olives. And early in the morning he came again into the temple, and all the people came unto him; and he sat down, and taught them. And the scribes and Pharisees brought unto him a woman taken in adultery; and when they had set her in the midst, they say unto him, Master, this woman was taken in adultery, in the very act. Now Moses in the law commanded us, that such should be stoned: but what sayest thou? This they said, tempting him, that they might have to accuse him. But Jesus stooped down, and with his finger wrote on the ground, as though he heard them not. So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.
- John 8
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Sit down with brother...explain to him the gist of your financial difficulties
relative to continuing to live where you are. Do not mention your guilt...just lay the situation out on the table...Then ask, "What can we do?"

God bless you.

Bob
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2019
Old Bob,

Love your matter of fact approach. My engineer, black and white husband, would say what you did.

Me? The creative type, seeing all the gray areas envy his matter of fact approach to life.

We do balance each other in many ways though. Been married over 40 years!
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Sorry for knee jerk reaction but as one of many who has been left holding the weighty bag I want to say Really? It's really necessary for financial reasons, and to do it NOW? Yes, they could live another 10 years or more, and that might impact your finances, but are there no other solutions? No other places to be? But this comes from being an exhausted caregiver of one for two. As someone who writes from her bed surrounded by debris that she was too tired to clean up during the week because of caregiving.
My heart breaks for brother. There is no easy way. You may not only impacting him but the elders.
On the practical side I would connect with the local office on aging (call your city hall) or Area Agency on Aging asap and find out what resources are available to help the elders, i.e. transportation. Hiring private organizations to assist them will also cost, but if their income is low, they may qualify for assistance you are as yet unaware of.
If they are unable to take care of themselves then the burden will fall more on brother and if they do not cooperate with a change in housing the end result may be someone calling APS. I hope it is not their kind and caring neighbor. Bless her if she has the time and energy to do what she does.
You can still continue from wherever you are to do your part of scheduling appts and meds, but of course will need to communicate enough to find out when they are needed.
I well remember hearing the news when my only sibling decided she and her hubby were leaving for points south. That was 16+ years ago and she told me prior with such a cold lack of compassion (and it seems even now she rarely gives thought to her own older age and how she will manage without support considering she is now single without any children or real friends) that if mom and dad became unable to take care of themselves how I should put them in a home because I was entitled to a life too. And then she walked out to her car, handed me a potted plant, got in and took off. The image of her car turning the corner onto the main road forever pressed into my brain. Good luck to all of you, and especially brother. And you should, if things stay status quo, be prepared to donate some of your vacation time to returning and taking over so brother can vacation in peace.
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rovana Mar 2019
I think it all depends on what options there are for the elderly parents - if the only alternative is that they are basically "on the streets", well that is one thing.  But if it is a matter of they don't want to recognize that there preferred lifestyle is not longer workable for them, well they have the duty to do what they can to make changes themselves, not devour others' lives trying to hold on to a make-believe independence. Propping that sort of thing up is never an obligation.  Fine to want it, but nobody has the responsibility/obligation to deliver it.  This is a situation where family must get on the same page and make it clear to elders that things cannot go on as they were.
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You’ve gotten some great advice here about bringing in help. My situation is just a bit different in that I already lived across the country when the decline happened. But the key has been to work with my sister to find the things I CAN do that are helpful. This has meant near daily calls to my folks and solving any issues I can via calls to providers they use (e.g. tv service, insurance, etc); using my phone visits to help calm my folks when needed; taking over paying the bills; and being in touch with my folks, my sister, and the doctors to coordinate care. And, of course, I visit as often as finances allow, in order to give my sister a break. Some places have respite care you might be able to make use of too. This is something that gives the caregiver a break every now and then. The key to all of this is good communication. Wishing you the very beast.
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gdaughter Mar 2019
You are a good sibling:-) Mine makes calls to elders maybe 2x a week. As far as bill paying I just prefer to handle it and know which end is up. It does take more time than I wish, but at least everything is together. That is the one thing she offered to do. The thing that required nothing more than a bit of time at her computer. Not the physical labor of cooking, cleaning, escorting, communicating, advocating, shopping. Worst of all is that when I do communicate with her, she often does not respond and that leaves me feeling very isolated and unsupported with all of it.
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MK, they're not torn, they're going. It's already decided. What they don't want to do is leave the brother to deal with their parents on his own, with a wife who has already done her best without success. So what's the way forward?
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Meagan, You and your husband have carefully considered your needs, and this is admirable. This happened to our family, too. I think that, for the time being (set a limit) maybe you could set a schedule for time you would travel there and handle what's needed. This would be a good time to assess how things are going with services in place or needed. The sibling needs to be able to count on this, too. There's nothing worse than not being able to plan activities or being left in the lurch, or the silence. Hate the silence. It's not just moving out of their home. It's not like they're in a hotel where they just pack their things and leave. Since it's not a panic evac, there should be time for them to decide the ultimate disposal/keep/give away some things that are probably very precious to them. Take packing materials, make lists of things family members want, if any, be enthusiastic about a new adventure. Maybe they could actually be part of the decision process!! Choosing a place (there are tons of virtual videos of homes, condos, assisted living, etc.) Alright, here's the guilt trip. I'm sure your parents probably made choices based upon their responsibilities towards their children. They probably didn't do some things they would have because you were their priority. I know it was that way with us. It is overwhelming to consider just sweeping off to some other cold place without some of their keepsakes, furniture, etc. Or, maybe they don't have a sentimental bone in their body. You know better than me. That travel distance isn't so bad, not such a sacrifice that it can't be done for a time. I don't think you will be sorry if you try to work with this and not express such cold feelings (as some above). This is hard. They can be presented with choices and time constraints (depending upon weather, etc.) if they plan to move to another town, etc. I don't know how big the city is where you are, but in our area there are several services that provide doctor visits, nurse visits, etc., and I'm sure your parents have Medicare. If there is a skilled nursing need, the doctor could order Home Health (certified under Medicare). If they are homebound (need the assistance of another to go out, need a DME wheelchair, walker, etc.) it's not a strict as some people make it out to be . That's why the Area Agency on Aging is a good resource, because there would be a case manager to help with information about those options.. There are adult daycare options, as well, and transportation that can be arranged. These things could be working until the move, whatever and wherever it is) This all doesn't mean that someone doesn't have to be making sure these things are all in place and working. If you stress your concern for them and their happiness, I think they will be able to make a workable decision. It would surely be less shocking.
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