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From my previous post you would see that my 83 yo father with dementia (did not seem pronounced but was advancing) had a stroke in his eye and developed Charles Bonnet Syndrome that led to hallucinations.That then developed into all consuming delusions/delerium. He had to be admitted to the ER involuntary for evaluation and is currently in a behavioral health hospital to try to address any of these issues.


Over the past month he showed significant changes and over the past 2 weeks a descent into his hallucinations/delusions that had him trying to sue, barricade against, take photos of, call police, etc. His hallucinations very. With less than 2-3 hrs/day sleep for my father (and myself) it impacted my ability to get my dad to the hospital. A neighbor helped me (because I couldn’t bring myself to do it even though I knew it had to be done) call a police mental crisis team for a wellness check. He sounded so reasonable speaking to the officers and clinician of the team about his delusions for an hour. I kept hoping his saying they go “poof” meant there would be a break in the problem, but then he explained that his nemesis is now magic.


I realize my father can no longer live alone. I have stayed with him off and on for various 24/7 stints over the past year. Have taken care of bills, groceries, pill boxes, doctors trips, taxes, investments, home repairs and maintenance for the past 2yrs+. I also realize that I am no longer making the best decisions for his health and wellbeing. I let him delay going to the ER, answer shop for a magic bullet for medical care, let him delay taking medication, and overall have focused on doing the basics, but really just keep trying to “make everything ok” instead of making the hard health care/living decision with this current crisis. Would likely have kept this going until something worse happened to him or me. I was not eating, sleeping and have had complete decision paralysis, such that in the ER I initially told the ER doctor that my Dad was just having hallucinations, but thankfully came to my senses and was honest with her. After all of the trouble it took to get my Father there for the help he desperately needed; I'm still in denial.


I have engaged an elder attorney about an emergency guardianship as my Durable POA is easily revoked and if my father is coherent enough after this hospital stay, I can’t risk him not being in care. I never wanted to take what seems to me like a sledgehammer to his life. The police took his guns when he was taken to the ER. He had them out at the house. I helped him obtain his drivers license (took him to the DMV and handed the opthamologist’s letter of min. vision reqs of 20/40 over when he kept telling the clerk he couldn’t “hear” the instructions for the vision test and I knew better. I can handle the inanimate/financial part of his life but appear incapable of making decisions that may upset him or go against his wishes, even if I know he is no longer my father from a few yrs ago, even a few months ago. The petition for guardianship will be filed on Monday. He will still be in the behavioral health facility. I have not been able to speak with him since he went into the ER room/area. I cannot ask him if he would like for me to be his guardian and avoid the process, and he said he feels like I have betrayed him, but doesn’t know to what extent (his parting words during the one phone call they allowed him in the ER over night were about his delusions and his envelope of cash that needed to be hidden).


Has anyone else had to decide to put their parent under someone else’s guardianship? He/I don’t have other relatives, nor good friends that would be “close” to take this on. I have been reading extensively about guardianship and this is needed now. Initially it may be temporary. Any thoughts/experiences are appreciated. I know I am not capable but he needs to be safe. He needs to be in memory care and I don’t think he would go.

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Trespaws: Prayers sent for this difficult issue.
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I had originally asked for 3rd party POA. Then today after hearing about a few horror stories- I asked him to make it me. He called and told me about a video series from the court. I appreciate your response because it came at the same time as his call and the videos described the roles much more differently than the written document I had been provided. I agree, the guardian/conservator roles would require more than I am already doing with a legal obligation to follow my father’s wishes above other options/decisions. Im at a loss for what to do if he verbally revokes the POA (which is how they are written, regardless of his apparent mental status - I would need to prove his mental status which is apparently difficult to do in this state). I could still petition for someone else to be his guardian. That doesn’t mean he will go to MC where he needs to be, but I will have done what I can. The other option is to see how things play out and hope I could convince him to go to mc (I don’t see ever happening). I am truly at a loss with my ineffectual understanding and decision making. I am afraid I will again do more harm than good.
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AlvaDeer Dec 17, 2023
There is no need to be "at a loss."
The options and obligations are clear under the law.
What you need is legal advice.
If you are going to tell us, as many do, that you cannot AFFORD legal advice then I am going to tell you that making any decision to attempt guardianship without said advice is a NO-GO. That is to say, you are stopped right there, and there is no way forward.
This isn't do-it-yourself stuff. You need a clear understanding of what it is to take on the FIDUCIARY OBLIGATION of a guardian (something not easily got out of) for someone who is not always cooperative with the decisions you will have to make FOR HIM.

With the amount of confusion you exhibit it would be very bad decision making to go forward with any seeking of guardianship. An attempt could cost you about 50,000 should your father fight it, and when he discovers all his rights are going down the drain with it, he likely WILL fight it. As I heard a judge say with a clearly delusional person fighting his guardian, "It is not illegal to be insane". And it isn't. The family lost the case for guardianship.

If your father takes away the POA, frankly SO BE IT. Good riddance to a whole lot of bad rubish, because you cannot competently act for someone who does not wish it. Our streets are full of people homeless and deset, whose families would love to help intervene for them, but who do not want that intervention.

Stop and thing. And then get on with your own quality life.
I wish you the best. Not everything can be fixed. You didn't cause this. And you can't fix this.
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Guardianship over someone is VERY VERY DIFFICULT TO GET.
First of all the person must be LEGALLY incompetent under the law. A huge high bar. And if the person says no, then they will be appointed an attorney.
Courts are loathe to take a citizen's rights from them, as you can well imagine.
If he doesn't want you as guardian then let him have the state take it on. Just step away. If he requires help or guidance then report him to the APS.
If he doens't WANT guardianship then that done is going to be a misery for you that is ongoing. You talk about guilt? Then imagine yourself virtually being jailor to someone who doesn't want THAT and doesn't want YOU. That has to be the definition of guilt producing.
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reading with interest. It seems she does want a 3rd party guardian, so I assume that is the same as state guardianship? I dont know how it works - who does the state exactly appoint to be the guardian?
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If you can’t handle a poa that is in effect, you can’t handle a legal guardianship. And if you put that guardianship in the hands of the state, you’re removing yourself from having any say.

Help at this point is to assert your poa so that he is medicated enough so that an mc actually takes him if he has money, versus the state just putting him in snf and on hospice as quickly as possible.
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Trespaws Dec 16, 2023
Attorneys review of existing POA’s is that they are easily revoked- he simply has to say he doesn’t want me as his poa even if it appears he is delusional. He has already said that he doesn’t want to see me again or have anything to do with me. He has indicated he is going to pack up and leave when he gets released from “prison” - will he remember that? I don’t know. I don’t want state guardianship (not in this state), I asked the attorney to look to me as temporary guardian now, as I was reviewing what I could and could not do. The way the current POA is written - He could simply tell the MC that he doesn’t accept my placement decision/doesn’t want me as POA. I am definitely reeling from information overload and guilt.
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I think the OP is asking for a third-party guardian.
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There is a HUGE problem here!!!!!!!!!!!!

You are making yourself legally responsible as guardian!
You cannot easily resign that without going back to court.

And trust me, you are not going to be able to fix this with guardianship over a non-cooperating person such as this.

PLEASE go back to this attorney at once, cancel your request for guardianship and legally resign your POA (since you got it and your dad seems incompetent to me, that needs now legally to be done). Petition then in court for guardianship of the state. Get all documentation now from MD and hospital with your POA before it "goes away" so you can present it to the court.

You are in serious jeopardy here now with a person who is mentally challenged and cannot cooperate and with you making YOURSELF responsible for his care. Once this is done you CANNOT legally resign without a court action.

Yes, I suggest guardianship of the state. Ask the attorney to help you get this now you have one. APS can "sometimes" help get this in some states, but an attorney is best. Go before the court saying he is mentally incompetent and a senior at risk, and that YOU CANNOT MANAGE HIM nor be guardian for him.

This takes all management and choice from you. He and his assets will be managed by the state and you will have no say to that or to placement. You will be down to visiting only.

I highly recommend that you do this, as I think that you have thought only to get permission to act without thinking what your actions will be and what results they will have on your Dad.

Hope you will update us and I wish you so much luck. I wish you had discussed this with your attorney before making these court dates because this is now a mess with the cart being hitched before the horse. Hard to fix.
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