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After my mother passed away, I invited my 74-year-old cognitively intact and healthy father to live with my husband and I. For the 9 months, things were great, but now the honeymoon period has ended. For the last 10 months, Dad has become constantly irate with me over minor things like dirty dishes or the fact that I warmed up leftovers for my husband (but not for him).



Two weeks ago, out of nowhere, he went nuts and screamed at me for nearly an hour when I told him I was making spaghetti for dinner. The rant came down to his dissatisfaction about what he perceived as me running an "abnormal" family because I did not fully dedicate myself to homemaking responsibilities, like making him gourmet meals. I am a woman, the primary breadwinner in the family, and love my job as a mom and corporate lawyer. I actually do make dinner every night (and also pay for all of his expenses, groceries, etc., plan all of his weekend activities, and my husband drives him everywhere even though Dad is capable of driving and has financial means), but my cooking is just not up to the quality of Mom's because Mom was a full time stay at home mom and professional chef. I calmly explained my life choices and time constraints (I break from work from 5-8PM to take care of baby and make dinner then log back on until 12-1AM most nights), and he responded by accusing me of poor time management. It was extremely hurtful, but I stayed calm throughout and the conversation ended with a "game plan" for satisfactory meals for the next week.



A week later, I tried to approach him about that conversation and how it was causing me to have anxiety about making dinner every night. In response, he attacked me again for another hour and accused me of having "emotional problems" because, in his mind, there was no longer any conflict and I was unable to just get over things. He was extremely angry. He pointed at me, raised his voice, and pounded his fist on my kitchen counter. Both times he got so angry, my husband had to take our scared one-year-old out of the room.



After talking to a therapist, I realized Dad's behavior was abusive and that he would not change in response to me constantly trying to pull rabbits out of hats to please him. Unfortunately, having grown up with this behavior, I had normalized it, but seeing him display it in front of my toddler put it in a new light for me. He had exhibited the same behavior towards my Mom when she was alive for similar incidents where my Dad perceived "lack of effort" as personal disrespect and attacked her for failing to fulfill her womanly duties. Dad is an Asian man, so there are some patriarchal cultural tendencies here (not necessarily unique to being Asian).



Yesterday, my husband and I asked my Dad to leave the home because, to put it lightly, we are not a good fit to live together. This is not a situation where Dad has any cognitive or physical disabilities whatsoever; he is a young 75. Dad was livid in response to the eviction notice and he told us he would cut us out of his lives forever, which was expected. He also for the first time, said that he regretted yelling at me and that given his remorse, we were overreacting. But after witnessing his aggressiveness a third time, my husband and I decided to remove him from the house immediately and rented an Airbnb for him to stay at for two months while he figures out his next housing situation.



I feel like absolute crap for making my Dad temporarily homeless even though I think it was the right thing to do for my family, especially my child who shouldn't have to live with an angry/hostile person in the home. Should I have given him a second chance to show that he could behave reasonably? Was I wrong to not let him live with us while he figured out his next move?



There is still a part of me that feels like a child owes their parent respect in all circumstances; he did, after all, provide me with room and board.

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I want to thank everyone who took time to respond to my post! Your wisdom, kindness, and empathy is so appreciated. I know many of you are also going through difficult caregiving situations, and I wish you all the best.
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AlvaDeer Jan 12, 2024
I hope you'll continue to participate here, answering others is a great way to pay anything forward, and you are a wealth of information to others. I hope you'll continue to keep us posted and updated.
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Just know that some people have very unpleasant fathers, like I did. Lying fraudulent abusers, to their wives and their children. Your father is NOT a nice man. Don’t fall for his lies (eg his apologies, promises for good behavior, or blame on you). Stick up for your own family, keep contact with D to a bearable minimum and on YOUR terms. You are not alone in having to do this. There is NOTHING wrong with you or your actions.
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MargaretMcKen Jan 10, 2024
Do you realise that your mother was abused for years. You say "he exhibited the same behavior towards my Mom". She both tolerated it and covered for him, so that as a child you weren't really aware of what was going on.

Once he moved on from 'best behavior' in your house to taking you for granted, it's happening to you as 'resident woman'. He is NOT going to change.
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Your father can get an apartment and hire a chef if he doesn’t like your meals .

I’m sorry you are going through this .
His behavior will not change.
He’s an abuser. He only said he’s sorry because he isn’t getting his way . He also blamed it on you for overreacting. This is typical gas lighting to get his way also . Threatening to cut you out of his life , scare tactics all to get his way . Told you that you are the problem , that you are too emotional. I think you have a narcissist for a father.
You told him it’s not working out. You did nothing wrong. He’s not homeless out on the street .
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prayersforpeace Jan 12, 2024
Thanks @waytomisery! Thanks for your kind words of support, and I am sorry that it sounds like you have run across this type of treatment in your life as well! Wishing you peace and happiness.
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How do you receive your father being "homeless"?

He is living in an nice accommodation. He is an adult with the financial means to get himself housing.

He is disrespectful and abusive. Your FIRST duty is to your minor child. To protect that child's mental health, as yours was NOT protected when young.

We choose who we offer hospitality to. When the guest acts out and damages out peaceful home, they are asked to leave.

I'm glad you are seeking therapy for yourself. You are going to need to keep up those boundaries as your father ages and becomes less competent. It is in no way your duty to house him or cater to him, despite what the patriarchy/cultural norms tell you.
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prayersforpeace Jan 12, 2024
Thanks @BarbBrooklyn! I love and agree with how simply you have put it: "When the guest acts out and damages a peaceful home, they are asked to leave." Wonderful.
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Dad should have been helping, since he knows what a full time job involves. He should have been proud of you, not disrespectful. He should have been generous, with no complaining about anything, much less his ridiculous (and out of line) "analysis" of how you run your own home. He doesn't run the show, period. Especially during his free ride!

Typical spoiled Senior BRAT. You got played big time. Don't spend another dime on him, don't do another damn thing for such a pompous jerk. My blood pressure spiked just reading this.

Please don't be so concerned and don't let him back in. He has money and can find somewhere else to live and someone else to bully. Not a good role model for your kids whatsoever. Dad didn't graduate from law school, did he? Use your superior mind and see the Big Picture. Don't fall for his fake apologies, either. Protect yourself and family.

God bless your Mother. Sorry for your loss.
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prayersforpeace Jan 12, 2024
Thanks @Dawn88! I am sorry that my post was triggering but truly appreciate your kind words and empathy.
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You absolutely made the right decision to remove him, and you did it very nicely by providing him with the AirBnB. He would not have stopped treating you like a servant, disrespecting you, being aggressive and traumatizing your child. My father figure also comes from a patriarchal culture, and I understand how hard it can be to see someone whom you once viewed as a your world from an objective perspective, and recognize when being too close is damaging to your mental health.
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prayersforpeace Jan 12, 2024
Thanks @GraceJones! It is helpful to know that others can relate to dealing with patriarchal father figures. It is unfortunate to come from a culture that values and enforces oppression, which is why I am so grateful (including being grateful to Dad) that I was born and raised in America.
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You have taken a stand against  patriarchal cultural tendencies. Good for you!
Now that you have started, try to keep consistent with it!

He's hardly homeless- you are paying for 2 months of AirBnB. What he doesnt have is a personal chef .

You have not mentioned other family members. Are you an only child? If any siblings, whats there involvement and level of help? Cousins? His brothers/ sisters?
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prayersforpeace Jan 12, 2024
Thanks @strugglinson! I appreciate your encouragement. Other family members are wary him at the moment, but his sister has reached out just so he does not feel totally alone.
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Somewhere you know that a second chance would end up exactly in the same place. It’s sad but true. Your good intentions are honorable but it’s best for everyone, dad included, for you all to maintain separate living arrangements. My dad had a firm rule of his own making that none of his adult children could live with him and he wouldn’t live with any of us. He said he’d seen it ruin too many relationships. I now see the wisdom of his rule. Though this is hard now, you’ve done a wise thing. I wish you the best
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prayersforpeace Jan 12, 2024
Thanks @Daughterof1930! Thanks for your kind words and wisdom.
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I am applauding you. For sticking up for yourself. For your husband & child. I am applauding that with great communication, you & your Husband got on the same page, made a plan & actioned it. You litterally put your money where your mouth was: Explained it to your Father then paid for his temporary accomodation.

You appear a most reasonable person. You don't write with any bitterness but with insight, inclusing the cultural aspects behind his behaviour.

I agree with offering to help apartment hunt, then no more. Not until things improve.

I trust in time, your Father will come to realise how sensible his moving out was & attempt to mend your realtionship fully.

Until then, you got this!
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prayersforpeace Jan 12, 2024
Thanks @Beatty!! I hope you are right that Dad will come around eventually. Your kind words have helped me get comfortable with our decision.
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Offer to assist Dad with his apartment hunting.
Offer nothing else.
Then offer to assist him as you feel able and wish to.
And let this, please, be a lesson to you not to invite an elder into your home lightly again. It seldom works for people and it takes deep planning, discussion and trips to elder law attorney to work out shared housing expenses and so on. And it is a road that is going downhill fast, with no happy places. Unless you know exactly what it will be, and what you can take, and how often and when you will reassess whether it is working for ALL PARTIES involved, it should not be done.
I wish you good luck.
To be abused in your own home is out of the question. Dad is on his own. Since you are partially responsible for this move I feel you should assist him, if he will GRACIOUSLY accept it, with finding housing he can live in.
Best to you. Good luck.
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prayersforpeace Jan 12, 2024
Thanks @AlvaDeer! Yes, it has indeed been a tough but valuable lesson to learn.
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You handled this very well and more generous than I would be, no reason to feel like crap! He "crapped" in his mess gear and there is always a price to pay.

He is a toxic, disrespectful man, who most likely bullied your mother behind closed doors. She was the faithful good little wife who catered to his every need and demand. Those days are long gone.

You are doing the right thing! Sending support your way!
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prayersforpeace Jan 12, 2024
Thanks @MeDolly! Still feeling awful that I have hurt Dad because we are unable to tolerate his anger issues, but I appreciate your support in knowing we are doing the best thing for everyone!
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First of all, I am really sorry that your dad screamed at you, especially in front of your child.

Secondly, your dad isn’t homeless because you provided a generous amount of time elsewhere for him to stay.

His apology doesn’t come across as sincere to me. I believe that your mom spoiled him to avoid his wrath. He does expect you to do the same things for him.

It’s your home. You have the right to cook however you choose to. Or not cook at all if you don’t want to.

Your dad overstepped his boundaries by disrespecting you and your family. He will find a new home.

I hope that he won’t throw his family away. My husband’s father became distant with us after my mother in law died. It was a different set of circumstances than you have. Still, I have witnessed the pain that this causes in a family.

I am so sorry that you are dealing with all of this. You have a wonderful husband who isn’t at all like your dad.

Wishing you peace. Know that you did what you had to do for yourself and your family.
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prayersforpeace Jan 12, 2024
Thank you @NeedHelpWithMom! It is helpful to be reminded that I have a right to be respected and exercise agency in my home! Your observation that "my mom spoiled him to avoid his wrath" hits home. When we were growing up, she used those exact words: "I need to stop spoiling Daddy."
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"There is still a part of me that feels like a child owes their parent respect in all circumstances; he did, after all, provide me with room and board."

Providing a child food, a place to live, clothing and the basic necessities is a parents #1 job. That is the requirement for being a parent. A child does not owe their parents for providing their children with the basic necessities and nor should a parent be considered a hero for doing so.

The fact that you could only come up with the fact that he provided you with room and board as the reason why you feel guilty and obligated to give your father the next potential 20 years of your life by having him live with you shows that things were not very good for you growing up with the man. If I am wrong I am sorry for interpreting it that way.

But even if your father was father of the year and went above and beyond and was nurturing, loving, not abusive, treated you well, etc it still doesn't justify you having to take care of him for the rest of his life.

Having him move out was a good thing. He is quite capable of taking care of himself so there is no reason for him to live with you (and if he wasn't capable of living on his own I wouldn't recommend him living with you either).

It sounds like dad wants to be waited on hand and foot and sorry but this is 2024 and it's time dad started doing for himself or he can find himself a woman willing to be his servant for the rest of his life.
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prayersforpeace Jan 12, 2024
Thanks @sp196902! You are correct that Dad was not an outwardly nurturing, loving person, but I charitably believed that maybe "words" were not his love language. When my husband and I realized Dad felt his sense of entitlement justified anger, we had to make the tough (and hurtful) decision to move him out.
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You did the right thing, maybe not in the right way or the right order, but the outcome/solution is correct. You, your spouse, your child are priority and not your Father. This doesn't mean you don't love him/care about him. You made a healthy boundary and stuck to it. Do not cave in and allow him back in -- he won't change.

It's curious that he was able to hold in his temper for so long. It's proof that he's able to control himself if he wants/when he wants. But if this behavior of his was tolerated during his marriage, and for a time while he was living with your family, then he got the message it was "acceptable".

I need to ask you to consider the possibility that he has the beginnings of cognitive problems. Seventy-five is not too young. I have a cousin who was diagnosed with ALZ at 68, another friend's Mom was in her 50s. There are countless posts on this forum by people whose parents started declining in their 70s. It happens gradually and so sneaks past everyone until the behaviors become undeniable or there's a crisis created by an incident.

I think the best help you can give your Dad now is to encourage him to have an annual physical and maybe even see a neurologist for an evaluation. NONE of this should be coming out of your pocket. You are robbing from your own family if you pay one penny to help him. He's a grown adult who should have saved enough, and you probably weren't charging him rent or utilities or food while he sponged off of you in all his glorious old-work entitlement (been there done that with my Italian fam).

DO NOT allow him back in your home no matter how contrite he seems or threats he makes. Call his bluff about inheritance. My family did the same over a different issue. They never disinherited me because they needed me to be their PoA. Hopefully your Dad has assigned you or your husband (or another sibling) as his DPoA. If he didn't or won't -- do not agree to be his caregiver.

You aren't responsible for your Father's happiness. You aren't in the Old Country. We don't get to choose our parents but we can choose how and if we interact with them. You didn't ask to be born -- you don't "owe" him anything.

You're a lawyer. Think with your mind and not your emotions or FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). I wish you all the best as you figure out your boundaries.
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prayersforpeace Jan 12, 2024
Thanks @Geaton777! Great advice to have Dad get a medical and neurological check-up. Unfortunately, he is not open to seeing doctors (it's not macho), and he is hostile/aggressive to me when I suggest it. He calls me "bossy." I have been in contact with his sister who is now trying to encourage him to get a check-up, and hope she has better luck. I have gotten to the point where I feel like I have done all I can reasonably do.
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Well done! Now the hard part -sticking to the new boundary you put up
You mention that he is a healthy 75, and cognitively intact. So he should be pretty able to figure out a living arrangement, without needing any formal caregivers, maybe meal prep and such. Or he may want to go to an independent living type senior living environment where nice meals are available, otherwise you can be quite independent.
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prayersforpeace Jan 12, 2024
Thanks @strugglinson!! I was raised to believe that children should be willing to do absolutely anything to make their parents happy, so boundaries are hard. Appreciate the encouragement.
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Respect needs to be a two way street. You don’t get it if you don’t give it. Otherwise it is an abusive relationship. And always remember you did not ask to be born. It was your parents’ responsibility to care for you just as you are taking care of your baby.

I think your father needs to have another plan for his how he will be spending this chapter of his life. He’s too young to give up on life. Maybe he should try to meet a nice woman (who likes to cook) and go have some fun.

But if you cave and he does move back in with you, I would suggest it should be contingent on him doing the cooking. Maybe he can also help you out a bit. It sounds like you could use some help instead of criticism and negativity.

Your father should figure it out instead of taking his frustration and unhappiness out on you. You are not a replacement for your mother.
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MargaretMcKen Jan 9, 2024
"You cave and he does move back in with you, .. him doing the cooking" and him 'helping you out at bit'. You have to be joking! Do you really think the leopard is going to change his spots, at 75, after a lifetime of abusing cowtowing women?
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It's amazing to read a post where the problem at hand is so quickly identified and dealt with.

Maybe that's the 'lawyer' in you??

Your dad will be fine. You don't need his negativity. You can still respect his place in your life, but you do not have to put up with his crap.

Sending him to a B&B was brilliant. For one thing, it lets you have peace as you navigate helping him find a place. Or not. But you don't need the stress.

Knowing people like him--you did the absolute right thing. Hang tight and keep those boundaries TIGHT!!

Good for you!
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prayersforpeace Jan 12, 2024
Thanks @Midkid58! It was very unpleasant to confront Dad about my behavior, but we are already enjoying peace, harmony, and respect in our home again!!
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Your father owed you room and board, as a child he chose to have. As you owe your toddler room and board and a safe, stress free environment for him to grow up in. Meaning to me that you absolutely did the right thing by removing your abusive and aggressive father from your home, 100%. Abusers are always "sorry", promising to never display such behavior again. Till next time. The trouble is, your father has a low opinion and high expectation of women that you'll never live up to. Ever. His best bet is to hire a chef and butler to cater to his demands, but of course, they'll quit because nobody is expected to put up with abuse these days, cultural heritage aside. Ugly is ugly, whether he's Asian African or American.

You were kind to put him up in an Air B&B for 2 months while he figures out his next moves. In my view, your father is the one who needs to learn respect because you and your husband have gone above and beyond for him. Please don't take him back into your home if and when he calls with a big song and dance about why you "threw him out" for no good reason. Don't let him minimize his unacceptable behavior, as most abusive people try to do.

My condolences on the loss of your mom.

Best of luck to you.
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prayersforpeace Jan 12, 2024
Thank you @lealonnie1! Feeling much better about my decision though it is still to endure Dad's hurt and hatred towards us now. My husband has been buying and paying for Dad's groceries, and when Husband drops by the Air B&B to provide food, Dad takes that opportunity to spew hatred and tell him we are doomed to fail in life because we are cold-hearted, intolerant people. He has even told us that he sees these bad qualities in our one-year old daughter.

Husband just says "I understand you are angry, and I'm sorry you feel that way." My husband is a saint, and he's planning to do this grocery run for Dad every week until March.
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