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She is actually my husband's Grandmother. We have moved her son, military veteran with Parkinsons and Diabetes, from another state to cohabitate and be caregivers for them both. My husband and I are providing the care, we have two sons, and have taken on this task as a family. We wanted to be able to provide them loving care throughout the remainder of their days. Bringing our Grandmother's son here to be with her has been a life-long dream of hers, in addition to us relocating to raise our sons here in this town, which is rich with family history. Knowing there would be a transition phase for her, which there was, and we were shockingly surprised at how quickly she adapted to the changes in her environment. We live in the basement. Our kids are online schooling. We provide daily care and assist with all of the acts of daily living. Suddenly, I have become the enemy and she is no longer doting on her only Grandson (my husband) which is something new for him. He has always been her favorite. She has behavioral history narcissism and we believe she is acting out because she sees the level of care that her son needs and that we are provided him that care. She appears to be jealous of her own son! Her behavior has changed so rapidly. We have been here for almost two months. Last week, she was very concerned about me, she constantly wanted to make sure I was ok. She asked me repeatedly throughout the day and I always followed up with a "yes I am ok, are YOU ok", just to reassure her that I am here for her no matter what. This week, I have poisoned the milk, turned everyone against her, and it is scary how she looks at me. I just don't know what to do. I try not to let it bother me, but it does. She had me in tears at dinner the other night. This isn't easy for my boys to witness and I am so scared of the negative this is going to have on them. We had gone into this thinking it would be a good thing for our family and our boys. Taking care of our elders, knowing there is going to be good and bad days. Especially with my Father-in-law who is almost 20 years diagnosed with Parkinson's. We know we will be here with them when they die. We never had any idea that our Grandmother would be like this. We knew she might be difficult at times, but it is now to the point where she will refuse medication, because if she doesn't take it she will die and that will make me happy (those are her words). She does have some good moments throughout the day and we are lucky to get a smile, but most of the time she is filled with anger and hate. We continue to shower her with love and prayer and she responds with almost exorcism-like behavior. She is not a believer in Christ, and to me it feels like there is a demon in there trying to get out. This is the most difficult thing I have ever had to do in my life. In addition to my Grandmother (in-law), my Father-in-law being a veteran is not getting the benefits that he needs. My husband and I applied for the family caregiver program and they denied my father-in-law stating he didn't meet the qualifications of needing >60 days of continuous care. He is 100% service connected, has severe cognitive and physical decline, shattered his hip last June, can not perform any ADLs on his own and has hallucinations which are a safety concern for him to be left alone for any amount of time day or night. So, until this is resolved, we have no respite care. Does anyone have any advice for us? We actually have a telemedicine appt with our Grandmother's doctor tomorrow to inquire about putting her on a low-does anti-anxiety med or something to aid her in her terrible mood swings and narcissistic behavior. This Dr has known to be reluctant to provide this in the past, saying due to her age, he doesn't think it is necessary. We know she would be happier and hoping it would improve her quality of life for whatever amount of life she has left. Feeling sad and desperate.

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For starts, have her tested for a urinary tract infection (uti), which can cause behavioral symptoms with no other signs. They can turn septic rapidly.

Get her to a geriatric psychiatrist to evaluate her for psychiatrist meds. Don't rely on her GP for any expertise in this.

Have you applied for Medicaid for FIL?
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Appeal the case, using an attorney. Attorney does take the case on contingency, I am told. But there are also attorneys who will take your money upfront. That is why you need a specialist. The attorney will ask for a re-assesment by the doctors the attorney uses for cases like this.

RE: "My husband and I applied for the family caregiver program and they denied my father-in-law stating he didn't meet the qualifications of needing >60 days of continuous care. He is 100% service connected, has severe cognitive and physical decline, shattered his hip last June, can not perform any ADLs on his own and has hallucinations which are a safety concern for him to be left alone for any amount of time day or night."
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CrystalAnn75,
When you become the enemy after trying to help someone, it is a real shock.
Even scary, and sad. You are maybe not going to feel too good about it now or going forward. But there is healing for you, and a better way.

Keep on being faithful in your duties, but back off a bit. Have someone else administer the meds. Take 3 days off a week, maybe a mini-vacation for you?

When my own husband did this, (treated me like the enemy) it was a phase he went through. I don't know exactly why he became this way, (maybe I do), but I did cease contact with my narcissist relative after boundaries did not work. He was reluctant and uncooperative to use boundaries with my relative. Narcissists are out to destroy you and use you. Beware, boundaries are for you, to help you. The dynamics are often the narcissist using one person, while destroying the other person, imo.
As an aside, do not make the mistake of using boundaries to punish or judge the person needing care.
The (maybe I do know why) part, was the narcissist family member created an alliance with my hubs, paid him to help her, made him feel important, then did not pay him. He started to see and understand. But it took a year or more for us both to extricate from her control.

Maybe I have shared too much, however, you have added a family member to the mix? Just a heads up. Best discussed with a therapist, which I did. Try not to share too much with your own husband-the dynamics of his family-with him. Until you are sure, and action needs to be taken by him. In other words, if anything is going on, do not force him to take sides against his family. Trying to expose a narcissist (and their 'minions') will not work out best for you or your husband, imo.

Learn what you can, and be at peace. Don't hate. Be calm. You may be in a war not yet understood by you. Always do the right thing and others will follow your example. Give yourself time, and understand that it is not true that you are the enemy. Go out and make some good friends, have a life.
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Sendhelp Feb 2022
And as Lealonnie brought up, stop agitating an unbeliever and thinking there is a demon unless she believes what you believe.

Living in a household of a different faith or beliefs/not as you believe, is your mistake. And imo, it is error to think you can change them or judge them.
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In your profile, you mention grandma has 'Alzheimers/dementia' which is what's causing her behavioral issues, not 'demons' or the fact that she's not a believer in Christ. There is a medical reason for her behavior, not a biblical one. She could definitely have a UTI going, like Barb suggested, so she needs an IN PERSON doctor visit, not a 'telemedicine' appointment. If she hasn't been tested for cognitive issues such as dementia, that's also something to get in motion as well. There are anti-anxiety meds that can be prescribed once the doctor knows what's going on with grandma. The behaviors you describe sound very much dementia-related and/or the result of a UTI which often brings off-the-wall behaviors along with it, so a urine culture is in order to determine what antibiotic may be required to cure it.

You are in no position, with young children, to be caring for TWO elders in such medical condition! Consider applying for Medicaid for your FIL to get him into a SNF for long term care; meet with a certified elder care attorney for guidance on that matter asap.

Best of luck.
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CrystalAnn75 Feb 2022
Thank you for your insight. I am certainly aware of what is causing her behavioral issues. There is a spiritual battle going on within her as well and yes, that is a piece of her inner-struggle. She is narcissistic and she is 103! There is quite a lot at play here. We are dealing with a Dr. that is unwilling to do anything for her because of her age. We are two months in to living here and caring for her, so we are trying to navigate the Dr in a way that he will listen to us. There are two important outcomes that we want and that is to ensure she is healthy and also to improve her quality of life for the remainder of her days.

In addition, there is other information that I wasn't able to mention previously such as we are in the appeals process with the VA for the approval of the PCAFC which will allow us respite care. We also work in conjunction with a Caregiver Agency that does come in a few days a week to provide aid with our Grandmother.

Our boys are exceptional and we have methods in place to ensure their needs are met. :)

I appreciate your help, thank you for taking the time to write!
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Thank you Barb. We will certainly get the urine draw for the UTI, she has had them in the past and exhibits fogginess and crankiness. We have not inquired with a Geriatric psychiatrist, but I can tell you her GP is reluctant to do anything for her, reason being she is 103...Do we need to get a referral from her GP or can we just research a geriatric psychiatrist and call to schedule an appointment? That is the other thing, getting her to leave the house for any type of appointment is near to impossible. I greatly appreciate your insight!
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BarbBrooklyn Feb 2022
Crystal, whether you need a referral is dependent upon her insurance. Straight Medicare, no referral needed. Medicare advantage, you probably need a referral.

You need to let this doc know that if her psychiatric symptoms continue, she will be placed in the first available Medicaid bed because you are not going to subject your vulnerable homeschooled children to this kind of psychiatric disorder. (that might get her/him off the "no meds stance).

She really does need more care than you can give at home.
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I am so sorry for your difficult situation. Caregiving is the hardest job you will ever do in your life. Are there any extra monies where you could bring in a part-time caregiver to administer her meds, and give you a small break during the day? Sometimes having a neutral person in the mix can help. God Bless
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CrystalAnn75 Feb 2022
Yes and yes. We are pursuing that. Thank you for your words. It is undoubtedly difficult but at the same time a blessing that has been given. We do have support and will be able to transition to the next level when the time comes.
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I am not going to argue with your beliefs and reasons but she obviously has dementia. Personally, once someone has dementia, anyone who wants to be a caretaker to them must be "insane" - if you can and want to do it fine, but not all can or should handle these people because they will affect everyone around them very negatively. This is where I draw the line and place them in a facility where they belong. No one should ever have to put up with this behavior.
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CrystalAnn75 Feb 2022
Agree with you. I know there will come a time when we can't give her what she needs. Many things have transpired over the weekend. We have consulted with her Dr and he was great! We are so relieved. She has had many tests run over the weekend and we have answers!
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Grandmother needs more care and supervision than you should be trying to provide in the home.
If your FIL is eligible for any benefits, that is great.but, yes, there are limits and delays associated with care benefits as there are with most LTC and care insurance plans.
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She has many signs of dementia as people have stared below. My mom 85 and husband's aunt 93 both have been diagnosed.

Grandma needs to see her primary and get something for her agitation and anger. I am sure she does not enjoy feeling this way.

Yes, she is jealous of the time spent on her son. They become like small children and nothing makes sense.

Every single time my mom has had a UTI i knew it before the urine specimen was tested. She was raging and horrible. I often left her apartment in tears. It really affects their moods.

Last suggestion keep your interactions with her " business only & brief". My mom vented all her complaints and unhappiness my way until I set some boundaries. Even my sister advised me to let her have a chance to miss me.
When you are able to have in home help it will make a huge difference.

The best of luck
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Out of respect I wouldn't call narcissistic a 103 year old person. Regardless of her behavior. Old people and children do not fit into any personality disorder diagnosis. Children because they aren't a person yet, and a very old individual is not a person anymore. If not able to handle such person at home, she should go to an elderly facility.
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Some people are not cut out for caregiving. You have to separate yourself emotionally from the loved one. They are living in their own world which is much different than yours. To let her reduce you to tears so easily tells me she needs more help than you can give her. One person with any sort of dementia is hard enough but you've got 2 patients to take care of! What were you thinking? I'm sure you meant well but my guess is you haven't a clue what is going to go on. Your children should be your top priority but I'll bet you've got them working along side of you when they should be with their friends. Being home schooled is hard enough on a child's social life, but to force them to contribute in old people's care, they I'm sure, will come to resent it, and you'll be very lucky if they want to care for you in your old age. They will have served their time. I'm also wondering if the kids are helping out because you're husband is not in the picture on a daily basis because he works outside the home? This is HIS family and if you need help, he needs to find some for you! So many men thinks it so nice to move their loved one in while his wife takes on all the caregiver responsibility then don't understand why loving wife starts getting upset then burned out. Good luck!
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CrystalAnn75 Feb 2022
Hello, thank you for your words. You have formed many opinions here without all the knowledge and backgrounds of our scenario. I won't go into all of the details, but to hopefully give you a better understanding of our family here is just a bit of info. Grandmother has had 4 years of private care. It has proven to be detrimental to her health for a number of reasons and that is why the family has made the decision to move here to be with her. However, this is something she has wanted for many years and my husband is her only blood grandson and she wants nothing more than for us to be here in this town and to raise our boys here to carry on the namesake. This is her dying wish. We have not been able to entertain this until now and we are 100% grateful that we have been aloted the means and time to be with our family. We have had to make some sacrifices to get here for her and my father-in-law full-time. This is only for a season and we will get our respite when needed. Grandmother is 103 and my F-in-L is 75 with 20 years of parkinsons behind him, so that should paint you a good picture of what amount of time we are looking at to provide them with the loving care they deserve. My husband has a medical background and I have experience providing this kind of care. My husbands family is extremely close, knitted in faith. Our boys are not working along side us, but they are present when they need to be. They spend 20 minutes a day reading in the same room with Grandmother, just to be present with her. We have family dinners together. They spend time playing wii and watching cooking shows with their Grandfather. Other than that, they have responsibilities around the house just as they would if we lived anywhere. They are certainly not in the trenches and we protect them when they need to be protected. They are not shielded, they are extremely well-rounded boys. It is important for our children to be a part of their Grandfather's life and what a gift this is for ALL of us. We are grateful to have been afforded the means and the time to be here for our family. My husband is the most supportive and giving man that I have ever met. He has protected me and our boys through this in more ways than one. Helping and supporting one another is going to be a learning process as we navigate the different stages of what is going to be needed from us and as we discover what we aren't going to be able to give. It's very hard to paint the picture for all, but in our hearts this is the right thing to do, and if we weren't here, our loved ones would be one step closer to having a foot in the grave. A huge factor to us being here is that throughout Covid, the care system has nearly diminished. They are short staffed, not able to provide what is necessary. We know there are many people suffering out there with lack of care or no care at all and we were not going to let that happen to our family. Family Caregiving is clearly is not the path for everyone but we are grateful for the path that has been laid before us. I am curious if you have been down this path and what your experience has been like?
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Sign Grandma up for hospice care. It isn't an answer for everything but she will get doctor and nurse visits, meds, medical equipment and materials, and you will have professionals to help give you perspective on this process. Do this asap.
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Another thought.....crush grandma's tablet medication & put in pudding or applesauce.

We had to do this with my dad.
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CrystalAnn75 Feb 2022
Just bought a pill crusher! Thank you.
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CrystalAnn75: Please get her checked out for a U.T.I. via complete urinalysis.
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CrystalAnn75 Feb 2022
No UTI. We found out that her pacemaker is causing her problems. She did just have surgery two years ago for a new battery, but it is "misfiring". We are to follow up with cardiology this coming week. So thankful to have some answers, and the Dr actually agrees with putting her on a low dose anti-anxiety med will help her quality of life. Anyway, she had a 15 minute spell which is the longest she has ever had and paramedics actually took her to the hospital, they ran all of tests including CT scan. All looks well other than the pacemaker problem.
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First of all, sorry to hear you are going through this. It's hard to do the right thing, then get kicked in the teeth for it.

Over the last 3 years, taking care of my 89 year old mom, with dementia, I have come to the conclusion that to ensure a long life, be a narcissist and get dementia. If the doctor seems to think he will help by denying medication that will help this hell on earth, find a new doctor. My mom has been a narcissist all of her life. A few years ago, the doctor put her on buspirone. I refer to it as her 'happy pill,' because if anybody tried to take her off of it, I would tell them to live with her without it. Before the buspirone, her doctor had put her on Lorazepam, by about 1 or 2 o'clock in the afternoon, she was a possessed devil.

The way our veterans are treated, just trying to get the help they need, is appalling. I wish every President who makes the promises to fix this problem, then does nothing, would get the same treatment.

Good luck, but most of all: God bless you.
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CrystalAnn75 Feb 2022
Thank you for your kind words of wisdom. I do have good news to report which is that the Dr actually initiated the thought of pursuing medication. We found out that her pacemaker is causing problems, she does not have a UTI and thank God for that! Now we just follow up with cardiology and determine what will happen next. I am thankful for your advice. It is refreshing to talk to someone who understands what I meant by "possessed". That definitely describes the rapid mood swings. God bless you for what you are enduring. Wishing you all of the strength and the armor that the Good Lord has to offer!
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We had my mom 91 put on Seroquel in Jan. A HUGE improvement. If she refuses to take the other meds, it is what it is. You can only do your best if she refuses. I think once you get her on an anti anxiety med everything will calm down.
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CrystalAnn,

I believe you when you say it is a spiritual battle going on. I have witnessed situations where the demons my dads thang harbored would get frenzied in the presence of the Holy Spirit. It is not a pretty sight and many don't believe it is a truth. You just keep stepping up in love and prayer, because at this point, it is up to The Lord how this battle finishes for your grandma.

I was happy to read that the doctor gave her something to calm her down and they found that her pacemaker was misfiring. No doubt that creates anxiety for the poor old thing. I bet she was thinking she was being poisoned or something, especially since she is having a spiritual battle. The lies told to destroy God's children are fantastical. I pray that she sees it wasn't you doing anything.

So you can understand, most of us here didn't come from loving, close families. So we can't really comprehend what stepping up because of the love and closeness shared through a lifetime looks like. For myself, it was dumped on me by lies and manipulation. I have helped because of who I am and not what my parents are or were. I think that's true for many of us here. We love them but, we aren't loved by them, creating a challenging walk to help without being devoured. Very different then your situation.

May The Lord give you and your family strength, mercy and grace to finish what you started. May He reveal Himself to grandma before it's to late for her soul.

God bless you and your family for stepping in and taking this difficult task on.
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Is there any way you can extricate yourself from the house with your family? Maybe you could live a short distance away. Distance is the key. Living in the same house allows them to continue to live there, but it is a disservice and disrespectful to you to be treated that way, and a disservice to the elderly since they are not receiving the full medical support they need because they refuse to leave the building or can’t receive it because the VA hasn’t granted benefits. Apply for MEDICAID. I do recommend an attorney for this for both the great-grandmother and grandfather. They both should be able to get it and then check to see about getting the additional assistance they need.

The separation of living in a different house would provide a little relief to you and your family from the abuse being dished out. When it gets bad, you say: “Goodbye, I’m off.” If they become upset, oh well. Come back when they pull themselves together. You would do that with your children.

Your grandmother is in a position of power since it is her home. She and her husband do need assistance and are probably grateful to have the assistance.

Her reluctance to leave to go to the doctor is unacceptable and telemedicine will not work for what is ailing her. She should be checked for UTIs soonest and I truly recommend changing doctors if the current one refuses to prescribe an anti-anxiety medication at her age. We are all dying, whether we are believers or not, just don’t know the hour of our death. Why have her remaining time be unpleasant and make your time with her miserable?

Additionally, I would place more of the caretaking responsibilities on your husband, who is the blood relation. He may not be at home during the day, but once he is, those in need should be his everything. He should take them to the doctor and interact with the doctors, even if it means taking time off work. He is the one she should be interacting with 95% of the time. This includes the doctor appointments. Based on her age, she would more likely have respect for him over women.

When your boys are not involved with school work or extracurricular activities associated with their home schooling, they should be helping out with their great-grandparents. They should not be shielded from what happens in old age, though they should not be doing heavy lifting. They can fetch and help clean and get clothes and help dress and if their great grandfather walks, walk with him a bit. They can do his exercises with him to make it fun which should be the same with the grandmother. They should also read aloud to them when it is time to read.
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I am glad that you were able to get help with the pacemaker etc. I hope the new anti anxiety medicine will help her calm down.
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Put them both in a care facility. The grandmother is clearly too advanced with dementia to be cared for in the home. She needs facility placement.
As for getting some respite care now, Medicare will pay for up to seven days of respite care in a nursing home for a person. Find a nursing home that will accept them both. Or a veteran's home for your FIL. He is a veteran and such places do exist.
If grandmother becomes too much for you to handle, there's also the last resort option which is to drop her off in a hospital ER and ask for a 'Social Admit'. They will send a social worker to talk to you. Tell them that you are unwilling and unable to continue caring for her in your home and that you refuse to let her back there.
The hospital will admit her and will keep her until they find an appropriate care facility for her. Please don't forget that you have this option.
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Since this is a sudden change in behavior, it is time to get her evaluated and treated. Start with a trip to her primary care doctor to rule out infections, blood chemistry problems, poor oxygenation... If those are ok, then ask the doctor for referrals to a neurologist and a geriatric psychiatrist. She could be having decreased circulation to parts of her brain - which the neurologist could evaluate, diagnose and treat. She could be having increased anxiety and/or frustration - which the geriatric psychiatrist could evaluate, diagnose and treat.
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Dear OP, you say that you have been with Grandmother for 2 months, and her behavior has gone downhill in the last week. You have strong views about a range of things, and a strong commitment. However after such a short experience, it’s a good idea not to back yourself into a corner. You may need to change if you can’t cope.
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Yeah, there's no demon. Probably just fears about losing her powers and abilities, with maybe some bad brain chemistry starting to happen. She may have had mini-strokes, which you wouldn't probably have noticed (not your fault), but could alter her thinking and attitude. She needs to be assessed.

But you beating yourself up shouldn't happen. As someone whose 100 year old mother has lived with my wife and I the last three years, there are definitely good and bad days. The fact that you are trying to help these relatives is way beyond the pale to begin with. You are an angel, and should carry that knowledge around with you to use anytime you start to doubt yourself.
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I think that a 103 year old person, regardless of his/her behavior deserves respect and doesn't deserve derogatory labels. She has very little time left before she dies. Couldn't you wait a little longer?
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Find a new MD for grandmother. There are doctors who specialize in geriatric care, who understand the personality changes that come with advanced age, dementia, etc. and see that quality of life is a big issue for these folks and their caretakers. Perhaps it may also be time to consider facility based care for your grandmother; your objectives (to deal with this as a family) are admirable, but your objectives may also harm your family (your children, marriage, etc.) The sanctity of your marriage and your children's welfare take precedence over Grandma, IMO.
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