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Help! I am at my wits end and my health is suffering from it. I am 46 years old. Between the little sister and myself we have been taking care of Dad since 1992 when my mom passed. Dad was young then and still worked but didn't date and we cleaned house and cooked for him, etc. Fast forward to 2019..he is 77 has COPD/Emphysema, mobility issues, 3 Aortic Aneurysms, and a multitude of other issues. He currently lives with me. We fight constantly. He does nothing really for himself. I cook all his meals, do his laundry, take him everywhere, clean up after him, clip his toenails, balance his checkbook. I am his maid, his nurse, his receptionist, his taxi.. I literally do all for him except well go to the bathroom for him. I know I sound harsh but I am done! He constantly calls me a "B" and expects me to not let it bother me. Did I mention I also hold down a full time job? I feel like my life has become a prison sentence with work release. I recently asked my dad to think about moving into a home and his response to me was "it will be a cold day in hell when I give up my life for any of yours". I asked him to please clean up his dishes off the table and put them in the sink..his reponse was "I enjoy watching you clean up after me besides my picking up my dishes constitutes me cleaning your house and I won't do it". HELP! I have to take antidepressants just to keep from crying all the time. How can I get my dad to understand? Is there somewhere he can live that would be considered an apartment not a nursing home? He has two dogs that I also take care of and he won't give up so that puts a damper on a lot of things. HELP! I am going to lose my mind...he gets mad if I don't stay at home to keep him company or I am gone too long. Recently needed to get a second job to make ends meet and was accused of taking it only because I didn't want to take care of him. Help.. I am desperate.

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Oh my word! My heart bleeds for you. You are in an awful situation. I am so very sorry you are dealing with this.

Haven’t read answers so if I repeat I am sorry. Does your dad any medical reasons that effect his mental ability to be a kind human being, let alone a decent father to you? He has tons of physical issues that you and he are coping with.

Look, I think you have stated everything so clearly that other than asking about cognitive issues I don’t have any other questions for you.

You’ve stated that you have had enough. I don’t blame you one single bit. I’ve been mom’s primary caregiver for 14 years already. It’s really hard. How well I know.

I think you have done enough and if you place dad in a facility no one would judge you and if anyone does, so what! He has been your responsibility. not anyone else’s so they can’t possibly understand your situation.

I say, go for it! Place your dad in a facility. You’ve got a job, two in fact. Been there, done that. It’s really difficult. I have so much respect for you! You aren’t dependent on him. He is dependent on you, but hopefully not for too much longer!

Actually, you have three jobs! After placing dad you will go back down to two jobs and then hopefully back to one.

I wish you all the happiness in the world. Best of luck to you.
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Since you don't really have any ability to force him out (as his name is also on the title or mortgage) then you have no other option but to leave. Unless he touches you... then u call 911 and HE leaves. Do you know anyone that would be willing to allow you to "couch surf" for awhile till you get on your feet? Anyone in your place of worship (if you attend one)? Maybe see if there's any house-sitting openings in your locale? Stop paying any of his bills with your money and use it for housing and self-care. As literally everyone on this thread has suggested, get out.
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Have you called the Area Agency on Aging and asked for a needs assessment, and to tell them that you will be evicting him?

Have you found out how to start eviction proceedings?

Have you identified an Assisted Living facility?

Have you applied for Medicaid on his behalf?

Look, if he lives with you, you hold the cards. YOU get to say who resides in your home. Not him.

Why would you feel guilty? Have you done something wrong? Who is telling you that your mentally I'll parent is your responsibility? He's not!
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Geaton777 Aug 2019
Barb, below she said he is a co-signer on the mortgage... I don't think he can be kicked out?
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Would you stay in a relationship if you were physically being beaten day after day? Probably not because you would be dead! How dare he says what he does and behaves as he does. You need to cut this off now. It is not his call anymore. If you want to help and find an alternative living situation using his financial resources then extend yourself to that point. You are being bullied in the worse way. It is simply beyond time for this to continue if you desire any worthfullnes for your life.
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Dreamer, If they kick him out, they will be responsible for finding another facility.

Stop doing for him. Just stop. He doesn't need to agree.
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Why does he have to understand. Find a reason to get him to the ER and refuse to bring him home.
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You can’t convince him. You’ve been at this for 27 years!...and he knows you will keep serving him. You sound like an absolute angel, and frankly a better person than me because I could not do what you do. I brought my mother to my house because she did not adjust to dad’s move to LTC...and I regret it! I am slowly becoming the house servant, and she is happy to let me be. However..her memory is failing and she has done several things that made me reconsider her staying here... has left my house garage open several times for hours at a time...put food in oven at high temp, walked away and burned everything, smoke everywhere and she was oblivious...and last week started a fire in the microwave. I was only outside the house for 2 minutes when she did this. I have had enough of serving and being a prisoner, and living in fear that tomorrow is the day that something terrible happens... not to mention i have lost my privacy, can’t go on vacation, ad have become a semi caregiver...she is moving to a facility and I have ZERO GUILT. We are going to sign paperwork tomorrow. Bless you for caring, but you have sacrificed enough for this narcissistic, abusive man that treats you terribly. Please take back your life and live happy. Best wishes!
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Dreamer80701 Aug 2019
I still haven't been able to get him to go to a home. I am still doing all and more. I wish I could not feel guilty but I do. I am at my wits end. I know he will just escape the homes and treat all like he does me and they will kick him out and I still will be stuck. Just still stuck..
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Sounds like you need to hire Attila the Hun as a caregiver for this man. Sorry for the joke, but I think you and the dogs really need to get out of this mess. Obviously, he doesn't give 2 licks about you and doesn't appreciate you.
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I think I would tell daddy dearest I'm putting the house up for sale and moving, alone, to Timbuktu. The closing will happen approximately 60 days after a contract is signed and where would he like to go once that happens? Because he is NOT repeat NOT, moving to Timbuktu with you. It's a one-woman hut with one straw mat you'll be moving to, so there'll be no room at the inn. It's been real dad, but now it's time for you to make new living arrangements. You can offer to help him get settled in a new place if he'd like, but that's all you can do from here on out. You won't be able to get him to understand reason, but you WILL be able to get him to understand EVICTION.
Enough is MORE than enough. If it were me, I'd be happy to move far far away and start my life over, fresh and new. You certainly deserve to. You've more than paid your dues to someone who's undeserving of your kindness for one more moment.
All the very best to you, dear woman
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Dreamer80701 Aug 2019
Well I have quit paying the mortgage but now facing reality that i have no place to live soon if they foreclose. Had to do it this way because he is a signer on my house too and was put on only because i needed help a few years ago. He wont sign sales papers. Want to move to FL to start fresh but ... well...grrr
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By putting him down n a care home
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Please keep us posted
Do look into other situations for the both of you. I strongly recommend to look up your elder care agency. Mine is Elder Options, they have counselors & people you can talk too. If you don't have that try your Community Hospice for help and resources.
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Dreamer80701 Aug 2019
Thank you. I know that they can help. I need to find a way to get there cuz I am monitored on every place i go. I have to tell him what I am doing and when I will be back. He gets mad if I don't. Prison with work release. 46 and still no life.
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Leave now! For heavens sake this is not a third world country! Call Adult Protective Services, tell them you can’t do it any more, pack a bag and leave. I would think you could qualify for a place in a shelter for battered women.

Sorry, just reread your post and see that he lives with you. I would still consult with Adult Services and ask if they can help. You need to get out of this situation. Tell them that you father is in danger because you might do him harm!
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My god, what on earth are you doing putting up with a man like this. He sounds obnoxious and I would not have him around for one second - he would be gone. First, don't take this out on the poor dogs, they are innocent - and I hope you will keep them and care for them. But as far as he goes, I would simply stand up to him once and for all, with fists bared and teeth showing, and tell him all that occurred in the past is going to stop NOW. Tell him you have a life to live and you are going to start living it at once - without him. But before you do this, check with the medical people and have a few options checked out. He needs to be placed somewhere away from you - either a facility or a caretaker. Do NOT let him destroy you any further. he sounds horrible. He may also not only be horribly selfish, he may have dementia. You must get him out of your life at once.
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This sounds a lot like my dad. He grew up in a large family where the children were looked at as free labor. As for your dad, if it was my house, I would move him out. Yes he might not speak to you for a while, but he will get over it. In my case, I don't have this choice, unfortunately, but YOU have gotten your chance - take it! Get out and have a life. Don't be like me.
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Dreamer80701 Aug 2019
We all have choices.. and I hear what you are saying too. I think we are more alike than you know because well.. i am stuck too...
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Hugs
i would contact an elder social worker through the in an assist living place
Take time for you
This needs to stop otherwise you will be having other medical issues
Get to an support group for yourself
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Lostinva Jul 2019
Good advice!!!
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He sounds like he can live on his own, He has all his faculties and if you could find him independent living associated with assisted living/nursing home facilities, so that if he needs help, he can be moved, you can get your life back. Enough is enough with his abuse.
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Dreamer, how are you doing? Have you found a way out of the mess with your dad?

Most importantly have you found peace with the fact that you are not responsible for his life?
Do come back and let us know how you are doing and what is working, we learn from one another and would love your input.
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Dreamer80701 Aug 2019
No I haven't . I am still in the same situation. No one wants to help me to diagnose him and he keeps refusing to go. I am still stuck. I feel like crud with guilt but at the same point I am through soooo through with all of this. I am only making all else happy and wonder when it is time I do the same for me. I know that I am not responsible for his life and have even told him so to his face but still am in the same situation and still feeling the same. Thanks for checking in on me. I am trying to find other options and will report back I promise.
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My dear friend I’m sorry for your troubles. You took on this responsibility when your Dad was fully able at the age of 50. Your Mom died early. This is a wake up call. Call the county for the Dept. of Aging and ask for Social Services or Palliative Care Services who can recommend Social Services. They’ll come out and evaluate your Dad’s health and recommend some Assisted Living places he can go. Your Dad is still young and responsible enough to learn how to care for himself. You can call him once a day and visit once a week to show your love. God Bless you.
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Your dad sounds like a Narcissist. An actual diagnosable Narcissist! Fancy calling you a B and enjoying watching your servitude. Rule no. 1. regarding Narcissists, never do anything for a Narcissist that they cannot do themselves. Then, time for you to pack a suitcase and get away fast! This man sounds like he can sort out his own mess, but prefers to live with slaves. You are being emotionally abused! Get out before you have a stroke!
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You need to place him in an Independent Living facility. Do not use your money, use his. If he doer have enough, look at Medicaid. You are a daughter, not a slave.
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Lostinva Jul 2019
Amen
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I here you going through almost the same thing. It is the insidious disease, it literally tears away part of their brain and they can't understand what they're doing most of the time. I've bern taking a Caregiver training course that is free and it has helped a lot I strongly recommend it. It's called Savvy Caregiver Training and through that and being around others that are going through this process you'll know you're not alone. Even the teacher is a caregiver.
There are also elder daycare centers that he can go to so you can get a break. My dad is in Dialysis 3x's a week so that's when I do what I need to to. If he was a Vet you can get a CNA to come in for a few hours a week and get some 'me' or if you go to church or have friends that would be willing to help you don't say no that was my problem but I am learning.
It is good that you're reaching out. It does help to vent.
Get him a life line monitor of some kind and if you go out and God forbidshe falls or something it will contact 911 or any # that it is programmed to call.
If he's a Veteran ask them first about their programs for him and you! Go to the doctor he can help with some anxiety issues and a transition counselor.
Prayers help
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Dreamer80701 Aug 2019
He was in the military but they say that he wasn't in long enough for any benefits. I have wanted to get a monitor for him and have healthcare come in but have one major issue. The dogs. They are not really social and one has bitten before. If he bites again he will be put down. I don't want to cause any harm. I do work so i get a break there but he has to know when i go and when i am off and if there is any variance in times he gets mad. As far as friends.. I have none. I lost them a long time ago when i couldn't go with them because of him. I don't date because of him. I get up take care of him until I go to work and then come home and repeat process. I am stuck watching his oldies tv shows cuz i cant afford to have multiple units.. i am stuck just sitting in the room with him because if i go for five minutes without telling him where i will be he is hollering asking where i am. Just emotionally exhausted.
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My dear young lady, you do not need to put up with the behaviour that your father is exhibiting towards you. He says - "It will be a cold day in hell before I give up my life for any of yours." BUT your life IS his! What the blazes is he thinking? Who is "the little sister?" Your biological sibling? Nevertheless, you MUST end this, else you fall faint and ill. This is INSANITY! He'll have to move out. Even if he was a nice human being, you could NOT keep this up! My goodness!! This caregiving has been going on since 1992?!?! I don't see this going well at all. This is an accident waiting to happen!
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You should have left home when you were 18 years old and lived your life. I’m not being mean, but it’s the truth. You owe your parents nothing. There is no reason to care for your father in a “emotional incestuous” relationship. Your father could have taken care of himself. All the advice I can say is you need to put your father in a home and start living your life. No excuses.
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Katrina69 Jul 2019
Kind of nasty thinking that you owe your parents nothing. Didn't they take care of you when you were young? I agree that she/he needs to do something for themself because things will get worse as time goes on.
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My dear child, if you continue going the way you are now, your father will outlive you. Who will take care of him if something should happen to you. It is time for you to take charge of this situation and do what is best for YOU and your father. At this stage of his life, he is not going to change not one iota of what he is thinking. Does he have any social security or retirement monies coming in. If so, you need to do whatever you have to do to take charge of his finances. You need help and working a second job is not the answer. My prayers go out to you. Good Luck and I pray that you will get so relief soon.
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adding my vote here... send him packing .,.. what a selfish twat he has been and to have been abusing you since 1992 !!!!
either its a rest home or the prison. his choice, give him 2 wks to organise it. if he isnt gone by then. you shall be taking legal action.
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WHAT!?? had to pick my jaw up off the floor! He is an abuser and user and it doesn’t matter how he’s let his health slide that is not your fault. He doesn’t get to decide to use you unless you let him and sadly, you have. My dear, you need to figure out how to get very strong boundaries and stand up to him. Unless he’s footing all your bills, I don’t see why he gets to call the shots. Send him packing and regain your life. He’s not a nice person and you don’t deserve to be treated like this.
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There are so many good suggestions here I do not need to go through them again, but I want to add my vote! GET HIM OUT! You do not deserve to be any man's slave. Do whatever it takes, but give yourself permission to live a peaceful life. I finally had to break with my mother (we did not live together) to relieve the constant stress, pressure, shrieking, and manipulative turmoil she reveled in. I finally had peace. Good luck. We are behind you.
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There has been much wisdom and kindness expressed here. I think you will need a good therapist and a smart lawyer--in that order. Your lives are so entangled that even with a clear mind, good heart, and determination you will need real help detaching from this life. This lifestyle has become your adult life, and it will be no small thing to change it. I am particularly touched by the respondent's comment that the studio apartment with no furniture was "freedom". Good luck and God bless.
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You can't convince him. He's a selfish bum! He is stealing your life! You have done enough. He needs to live in a place where staff can take care of him. He would have lots of company and things to do. Hope you can get him out of your life before you get to hate him. You can never get back the time you have spent on him. He was fairly young when you became caretaker. He could live another 10 years or more. You have done more than enough. You are wearing yourself out.
I am older than your father and I have conditions also but I moved myself to a nice place 8 years ago. I planned for my retirement and healthcare. I would never make my children give up there lives to take care of me. I have friends where I live and lots to do. We all need to care for ourselves and not hold our children hostage to our miserable grumpy old selves.
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Dreamer80701 Aug 2019
Thank you. I wish he saw life like that. He says he doesn't want to go be with "people his own age" because he has been around them all his life. I just tell him so have I. He doesn't pay any of the bills I do it. But he doesn't have enough to be able to live in a retirement home. I am still trying to find a way for him to be in one. No help really from medicare / medicaid and even though he served in the Army they say he wasn't in long enough to get benefits. I don't know where I am going to find something but I know I have to.
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I don't know who owns the house you live in. If it is his house, save up your money and leave. A studio apartment sleeping on the floor is better than what you have. I know, I had a one bedroom apartment with no furniture. I didn't even have a refrigerator, just a foam ice chest. I remember like it was this morning, waking up after sleeping on the floor, I looked out the window and felt like someone had let me out of jail. One of the most wonderful feelings in the world. Don't give him your phone number, don't argue or threaten, just save up your money and do it.

You need to get with a good therapist who can teach you to say "no". It took me over three weeks to do that. I hope you can learn faster than I did.

Hugs to you, it will be scary but you CAN do this.
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Isthisrealyreal Jul 2019
You are a true inspiration. Hugs!
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