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My mother has dementia and resides in a nursing home near me. I am an only child, the point of contact for the facility, and am POA for health and finances.
Mom was close to one of her sisters(my aunt). I update this aunt every week on how mom is doing- details about health, activities, and an anecdote or two and answer questions as they come up. I prefer to do this by email as talking to this person is difficult for me… she questions everything about the facility and always has negative things to say, strongly implying that she is the only one who worries, etc. Even though it’s not true, it really hurts me. in their culture they are against having paid care for elders so there is definitely tension between us.
As much as id like to brush it off it really gets to me.
The care center has indicated they prefer to have one point of contact. I’m inclined to honor their preference for several reasons. When my aunt does speak with them she is pretty pushy and nurses have noted she “tries to tell them how to do their job.”
The aunt wants to be able to talk to staff directly for health updates. She is frustrated that mom isn’t communicative herself. I have pointed out that I am providing a full account and answer questions as they come up.
I know every family is different but what is a reasonable expectation for updates? I can understand her frustration with the situation but I feel that any amount of communication I provide won’t be enough.

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I would wonder if the RN could talk to Aunt and explain that you hold the POAs. These are documents that were written up when her sister was competent and she assigned her daughter to be her representative. The facility requires that they have one contact when it comes to giving out information on a resident. In her sisters situation that is her daughter because she holds legal POA. So, we are very sorry, but her as an RN cannot legally give her any information because of the HIPPA laws. The staff also cannot give her any information. If you don't feel like getting the RN involved, then you explain the legality.

To be honest, you are under no obligation to tell Aunt anything. You are Moms representative. If Mom would not have given her sister information, then you should not either. Like said, Moms 1 yr anniversary is coming up. Maybe time to cut back on those updates. Maybe start with every two weeks, 3 wks and then monthly.

May want to send an email that you will be cutting back on updates since Mom is doing so well in the AL now. Apologize that the staff is not allowed to give her information, explaining it's actually a HIPPA law. Not only the AL but all facilities and Hospitals want to deal with only one person and that person relays the info to other family members. That person usually holds the POA or is a close family member as a spouse or a child. You will keep her updated on any changes in Mom.
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You’re doing a great job updating your aunt, don’t feel you need to do better or more as you already know nothing will satisfy her. Your mom is blessed to have you involved and overseeing her care, that’s all you need to be doing, and your current updates are just fine
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From your posts I wonder if it is getting close to the one year anniversary of mom being in the care facility? If so, I might use that as a cut off of the weekly reporting. Let aunt know you now trust the facility and will be sure to let her know when mom shows signs of decline. Tell her they have advised you that staffing is short for fielding calls or concerns from other family members.
I find photos helpful or short videos to give updates on my DH aunt.
It is a fine balance caring for our elders. Some have no one checking on them. Could it be that aunt is grieving the loss of her sister? Perhaps you might call one of the cousins and let them know to check in on aunt. Perhaps you and mom could call aunt on her BD? Any small thing to help her accept this loss and to trust that you are caring for her sister now and need her to accept that.
I have a niece to my DH aunt who is the nosy Nellie for me so I do understand how annoying it can be.
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I am truly afraid you will have to toughen up with Aunt. You understand her reasons, the differences in culture, but she will wear you out and she will eventually not be able to communicate with the facility at all. She will quite likely NEVER understand this, and on some level will blame people. So there is little hope of changing what is a lifetime of belief and culture. You will simply have to set the rules. Provide the update. And let her know that your hours of being able to listen to complaints about what is a good facility are limited. She won't like you any better. But it's likely she won't dislike you any worse as well. Set limits and boundaries. You will have to make the rules and she will have to live within them.
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If staff releases any information it is a violation of HIPAA regulations. (unless auntie is listed as a person that can get information)
Confirm with the facility that they are to give no information to anyone that calls.
I might even go as far as saying no visiting unless it is supervised, and in common area of the facility.
There is a website called CaringBridge you can keep friends and family updated through CaringBridge and they communicate to you through the same site. In this way you just have to communicate what you want and no more multiple emails need to be sent out if you are communicating with several people.

Remind Auntie about BOUNDARIES. Facility staff is over worked, understaffed enough that they do not have time to manage phone calls for every resident.
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You should prevent your Aunt from meddling in your Mom's care. You are PoA, not her. It is confusing for the staff and your Mom. Your Aunt isn't seeing or respecting boundaries, so you need to clarify it for her. Don't tell her this is what you're doing. Instead... don't give her so many details in your updates. Don't do it daily, let her believe everything is ok. If you don't you will regret it once this woman starts to really attempt to intercede. Make sure the facility knows who is the PoA (because of staffing changes) and what they should say to the Aunt if she tries to boss them around ("Thank you for the input, we will discuss it with the PoA").
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