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My mom at 92 years of age is in poor health and already under hospice care after two rounds of hospitalization this past Summer. Today she asked if I could take care of her. She says in her quiet voice, “I don't need a lot of care,” and I said that wouldn't work out mom.
I've told her this before. I'm 69 years old and I'm tired myself; my husband is 76 and has told me no way is your mom moving in with us and there is a long history to that - no we're not selfish, but I'm still working (remotely) and have a fulltime job; and we were hoping to enjoy his retirement as well - but so far, there's not much time for that - other reasons. Then there's mom and her unpleasantness over the years - her dementia and short-term memory loss; her demanding personality and complete disregard for anything neat or tidy; she always kept a messy house and once told me that my house 'looked like a museum' because I don't like clutter or mess.
Pretty much the universe must revolve around mom and she's in an adult foster home now with only two other patients - of which she is very jealous - although they are both bedridden, she overhears things and feels that she is being treated poorly; doesn't like the food, doesn't like the caregivers and in general is unhappy and miserable.
And this is the same pattern that's been in place for every situation she's been in. Previously when she lived in her own apartment, she didn't like the neighbors - thought they did not like her, or they are 'talking about her' when she did have her own apartment, I tried five different caregivers and she'd fire them all - one after the next. Living alone soon become impossible and the trips to the hospital would result in the doctors saying they would not release her to home - that she must go into a facility where she would not be alone.
Social Service advised me not to assume caregiver role at that time...and I've tried to stick to that advice. My mom is very critical and very ungracious. Never once has she she expressed a moment of gratitude or thanks for anything I do for her, even now. I visit with a bag full of whatever her latest wish is - lately it's been ice cream bars - not a word of thanks. Only suspicions that the ice cream will be eaten by others in the household, and she won't get it. Sigh. It never ends, she's paranoid and constantly telling me things that are not verified by the caregiver - so I suspect it's more of the 'confabulating' that the doctors diagnosed years ago.
I try to move on with my day, but I feel that her time is nearing the end and I feel guilty that I can't do more. Although when I do more, it's always met with so little gratitude or recognition; it makes me sad and hurt. I always tell myself that I shouldn't expect anything of my mom, that's just her way.
It's a difficult time and I'm not sure how to accept things today as they are just sharing for now unless ya'll know of a way to overcome the guilty feeling I have for not taking into my home (which btw has way too many stairs for her to even begin to navigate around the house - which would leave her upstairs in bed and me running up and down multiple times a day to do her bidding - between my work assignments/projects). I cannot fathom doing that for even a day.

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Nina brown: children of self-absorbed parents.

Helped me a lot with not feeling guilty of protecting myself from the self-absorbed.

I would tell myself "I have the right to protect myself, I have the right to protect myself" kinda like a mantra. Then I would end with "it's my job to protect myself!"
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mom2mepil Nov 2022
Thanks for this book recommendation. I will check it out, too.
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No reason to feel guilty! She’s not nice now, has never been nice, and won’t be nice in the future. Yet she expects you to ruin your life for her? Way back in time, penitents would wear a hair shirt and flagellate themselves to the point of bleeding in order to expiate their sins. Even that would be preferable to doing what your mother wants. Not sure why you feel guilty, but maybe you need to explore that with a licensed counselor. Very sorry she’s done such a number on you (which she should feel guilty about but never will). I’m pretty sure an internet search would turn up a hair shirt in her size, and Christmas is coming.
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BurntCaregiver Nov 2022
OMG, Fawnby. LOL!!! That is priceless about the hair shirt for Christmas. Maybe the mother would like a cilice belt to go with it.
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You say Mom, I'm still working a full time job and am very tired at the end of the day. When my day is done I need quiet private time with my husband.
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If you’ve literally been told by professionals that it wouldn’t be a good thing for either her, or for you, or for both of you, you have a solid indication that your “guilt” is misplaced.

She has dementia, which means that nothing she thinks or says can be considered accurate or intended. While this may be somewhat different from her actions when she was younger, it still doesn’t mean that you have to bear any responsibility.

My mother was a tragically damaged woman, wrecked by anxiety/agoraphobia, and I had the good fortune to ultimately be able to have a somewhat positive relationship with her, but it was because we both knew, AND AGREED, that we could NEVER live under the same roof, and except for one AWFUL period of 9 months, we never did.

I gained 60 pounds, developed a raging sleep disorder, and lost a job that I’d once loved.

Shift that guilt, and refuse to own it. You may be mourning for the mother you never had. When I faced those feelings it helped me realize that I could accept who she was, and why I couldn’t live with her, and also some kind and benevolence traits that she really had.

My mother was a truly wonderful grandmother and I came to cherish vicariously what I saw in her dealings with my children that she hadn’t been able to be for me.

NO GUILT. No regret for you or your husband. No REASON to be guilty. Guilt NEVER succeeds in changing anything. Guilt pays no bills, heals no wounds, helps no one.

Find some sweet pleasant peaceful times with your husband. Enjoy what your life is right now.

Be sure she’s in the best place for her to be, visit, then leave her and go “home”.
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My friend you've answered your own question here. There's no easy answer. Whether you take her in or leave her where she is, you're going to have mixed feelings.
I too have often gotten the 'living in a museum' nonsense from my mother and still get it to this day. My response was always the same. I was a child of filth and squalor and won't live like that in my adult life. She doesn't like that response, but it's the truth.
No matter how strong your guilt feelings are DO NOT MOVE HER INTO YOUR HOME! It will not help anything and will only make things worse. Listen to your good husband and don't even consider it.
Your mother's ingrate behavior is because she is a senior brat.
Senior brats think the whole world owes them something because they're old. Also they usually believe that they've done so much for others that it's fair to demand their family become slaves to their neediness and demands.
If you think her behavior towards you is bad now, it will get far worse if she's securely moved into your house and living with you.
Please don't do it.
When you visit or even speak to her on the phone and the demands and complaining start up, tell her plainly that you refuse to listen to her nonsense and that you will leave/hang up if she insists on continuing. Then be true to what you say and do it. No fear and no guilt.
She's being cared for in the adult home she is in. You're making sure she isn't being abused or neglected. Your job is done and done well.
I'm going to let you in on a little secret that I've learned over 25 years as a caregiver to elderly. Your mother could very well like where she's living. The food, the help, and the people. What often happens is that the senior brat could be happy as a clam and the life of the party, but the minute their family calls or shows up it becomes complain-a-palooza. It becomes spread the negativity and misery around, and the boo-hoo poor me no one cares nonsense. See if you can talk to the staff, or even put up a camera so you can observe your mother for a day and how she interacts. She might surprise you.
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You should not feel guilty at all. How would a 69 year old with a full time job possibly care for a 92 year old. It’s not possible. She is in the right place whether she is able to appreciate that or not. Do not feel guilty at all.
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Your guilt is irrational. You have done nothing wrong. Maybe give this a try to move past your irrational guilt: Imagine that you take her into your home. Imagine your husband being hurt and upset with you for doing it. Imagine your marriage being thrown into chaos because of that. Would you feel guilty if you actually did that to your husband?
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BurntCaregiver Nov 2022
@NYDaughterInLaw

What an excellent argument. Would there be guilt over the misery and discord it will cause for the husband?
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"she's in an adult foster home now with only two other patients"

??? If your mom has no idea how fortunate she is for her circumstances, she is not going to like being in your home either. All that ungraciousness will land on you and your husband. Well, it already does when you visit and take her treats that are not thanked for. Please try to not feel in any way guilty. After all, you've been advised by professionals not to do it, so it is not possible whatever anyone wants.
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It's very simple not to feel guilty -- you and your house are not able to provide the level of care she requires. Your husband need not come into it, nor the fact that she's a pain in the patoot. The reality is that your house cannot accommodate her needs. It has nothing to do with you being guilty of evildoings.

However, I'd say your mom is scared, a bit lonely, and might need some more company. I realize that the "poor me" attitude is probably par for the course, but even if it is, when you're 92, in poor health, and on hospice care, everyone has to be a little jittery about their future.

Can you visit a little more, or send her a card every few days so she has something to look forward to other than another day with two bedridden housemates?
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I’d forget about “the bag full of her latest wish”, and send her something easier. Around my way, there are a lot of people who make cards and sell them in local shops or markets. They are much cheaper than Hallmark, and are blank rather than gut-chundering. Buy a stack, stamp the envelopes, and send one a week. With just a note about some of the week’s news. If the other residents steal them, they may enjoy them too! My first and second MILs both loved theirs, and my sister does too, now that I don’t live close.
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Thank you for your comments! You're right...I usually do ok with the practicality of not moving mom in here - husband and I are older and can't really take on that responsibility; house is tri-level and totally unsuitable for caring for 92 year old mom that can barely walk; she's never satisfied with any living situation; I too grew up in filth and squalor - she was not a housekeeper, but mostly a hypochondriac seeking attention for all of her illnesses. I suspect mom has some undocumented mental illness - way too deep for me to go in there and fix anything for her. I moved out at 18 to get away from all that drama...and nothing has changed since. I just need to remind myself that (as you've all said) not to feel guilty and no matter what I do it won't be enough, right or good enough for mom. A harsh reality.
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lkdrymom Nov 2022
I am so glad you were able to see the light. I never understood how some people feel the need to grant every wish of their parent no matter how detrimental to their own life it is. I am sure growing up your parent didn't give you everything you wanted so there is not compelling need to do the same for her.
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Burnt's comment:

"but the minute their family calls or shows up it becomes complain-a-palooza." 

This is like a child in Daycare. The owner of my daughter's told me that she has no problem with the kids all day then...the parents walk in.

Guilt is self imposed. I could feel guilty about some of my decisions I made concerning Mom but I was the only one making these decisions. As a child who could be made to feel guilty, I refused to allow myself to feel any guilt and second guess myself. When I got that little nudge of guilt, I pushed it way back in my mind. You have enough on your plate. Your DH is not old (mine is 2 months away from 76) but he is not young either. You need to spend as much time together as you can. Mom is safe and cared for. You know, even if u brought her to your home, she would find fault with something. I had a friend like this.

Your DH is #1. He does not want ur Mom living with u, period. Mom is safe and cared for. You visit and bring her treats. You are doing enough. When she asks to come to your house say "sorry Mom, no can do. You get better care here" If she has any Dementia, she may always ask the question.

Me, I live in a 4 story split level. I have 3 flights of stairs. Only level my Mom was safe on was the bottom level that had been a family room with a half bath and laundry room. It had an outside entrance that made it easier to get Mom in and out. We had a shower put into the half bath. It worked for 20 months. I wanted to go to nieces wedding 8 hrs away. No way was I driving with a woman suffering from Dementia and incontinent issues. I wanted to enjoy the wedding. I went to a local AL to ask about respite care. Found they were having a half price sale on room and board so I placed her. Best thing I ever did for her and me.
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A Small Lie: Depending on your mom's intellectual condition, you could construct a small lie -- Right now, mom, you need more health care help than I can give and this health care facility (find another word for facility) is the best thing for you. They will take good care of you and the physical rehab will do wonders for you. Then, let's revisit.

Small Lie, adaptation 2: Mom, we could talk about this but my house is being bombed by pest control and it would not be healthy for you. Then same beginning but -- new carpet, plumbing emergency, new painting - this script can last a long time.
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Sue, you clearly rationally KNOW all you need to know here about the realities.
You use the word guilt. Please try to use the OTHER G word every time you are tempted to use that word. Use the word GRIEF, because that's what this is all about. Grief that you are not God and can't fix everything. Grief that everything cannot be fixed. Grief that you have no answers. Grief that aging is about the loss of EVERYTHING one piece at a time and you cannot change that. Grief that you want your own life rather than to be on the altar of martyrdom when you should be living a good life.
I am 80. I spent my life as a Nurse. I made it clear all my life to my kids that I WILL NOT see them ever sacrifice their own life to my needs. Their lives are their own. Now that I am 80 my eldest is 60. She is just entering her close to retirement years, when her own son has been raised and educated and her time with her husband is their own, time to travel and have those last productive, able and happy years left. Is she to give those years to me? Taking down her own health mentally and physically and likely her marriage along with it? NO. God FORBID that is what I come to in my last years.
As an RN I loved my patients, sometimes so much that I hated a day off when I couldn't "follow" a patient I felt needed me. BUT I had three days a week to work, 5 weeks vacation and 12 personal holiday days. I made a very good salary and it was always clear to me that the work is mentally and physically draining to the extent I could NEVER be capable of doing it for my elders.
We on Forum have seen people lose their good health. We have seen them literally almost go mad with desperation.
Here is my advice. Change the word to grief and understand that sitting down and leveling honestly with your Mom that you do not have it in you to take her into your home, and that you are sorry for one more loss, one more limitation for her. Assure her you will be there to support and visit and to help her arrange a good place as she can afford with her assets. You will both rage against what life can be. You can both cry. But what you must NOT do is attempt what you understand is outside you limitations.
Honor your limitations. Realize you cannot do everything. If you need help and support in realizing this go to a Licensed Social Worker in private counseling practice for a few sessions in counseling. She will help you find the words.
Will this ever be without grief? No. Grief is a part of life. These transitions we make are unavoidable and inevitable.
I am so sorry for you pain, and for your Moms. But you MUST find a way to live your life. This is the one life you will have. You must. My heart goes out to you.
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Sadkid22 Nov 2022
AlvaDeer, You are a gift. I wish you were my mom.
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Your mom sounds like she is frightened now that the end may be near. If she is really that close to death, would an in-patient hospice placement help? Medicare pays and my experience has been the staff is wonderful at dealing with elderly, with whatever their situation.
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SueGeo Nov 2022
Thanks for the thoughtful recommendation - we looked into that - they told us that while Medicare pays for the 'care', they will not cover the accommodation which is expensive and out of our price range.
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I was smart an bought a smaller house once I retired now I just say no room.
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Kmjfree Nov 2022
Hi sample. We have a small house too and I love it. So just curious how small did you go?
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Has you mom talked with an ombudsman social worker? It may be anxiety, and even likely mental problems.
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Juse say no and don't feel guilty about it. You deserve to have this time with your husband and enjoy your retirement with each other. If mom is never happy no matter where she is, that's not your fault. Make sure she's getting good care where she is, visit when you can, and know you're doing what's best for her as well as what's good for you and your husband.
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Your mom's failure to make a better plan is not your problem. You are working, you have no time to care for her. My mom could not longer take care of herself and was more than unpleasant, I got her in assisted living who immediately identified she needed drugs for sun downing and general nastiness. A year later her health is better and she is clam. We hope to have her here for the winter. I told her if she got nasty I was taking her back to the home. It was a lovey 12 bed group home..... 10 days into the visit, she has been fine. At 66 the only way I can do this is my 33 yo son lives here too. We both work from home for ourselves.
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SueGeo: You simply can't take on the care of your mother, who is on hospice.
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Glad you are venting & going here for the support-pep talks. Such the bummer that we have to take guilt thru every decade of our lives.. I have been off a few wks-busy with work, but your sharing & the responses give me strength to see my Mom tomorrow.. So much is the same with my Mom.. BUTTT we must & I will continue to hold firm. I have been thru enough shite with her over the yrs and I will not be her sacrificial lamb until the end of time. I just say "I cannot handle it. We will not be living together ever." She laughs. Nervous laugh. I tell her my Dad left her financially strong..and when she is ready we will interview for part time helpers... If she doesn't want them now (though she could use) her call.... I have work & grown kids and a sig other BF. Sorry, not sorry, but she isn't the only game (priority) in town. My Mom is NPD & Borderline, Early Onset and same horrible attitudes as yours... Mean & cusses & chain smokes cigars & is a Hoarder, living in one of the most beautiful of cities in Southern California. She did not prepare emotionally for any of life's stages... We couldn't be any different. Continue to forgive yourself and keep your mind busy with other priorities. You are a good person.. Give where you can but not to where you feel sapped & destroyed.
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I feel for you. Good that you are coming here for support. We get it.
I believe that all feelings MUST BE felt / processed through in order to move and not stay as stuck in our emotions and psyche.

Speaking for myself - there are 'so many' moments that I acted / interacted with my mom that I regret. Is this guilt ? Perhaps. It surely doesn't feel good to me knowing how I handled situations then -- We / I want to 'take back' or wish we / I could - in heated moments or triggers of the life long relationship.

I believe the key is being as present with your mom as you can be 'now' and then practicing LETTING GO.

Give yourself a 'point' for every time you acknowledge yourself for the good you do knowing you are doing all that you can - and you are doing the best for your mom.

Perhaps guilt is (somewhat) of a natural association or process with grieving, realizing someone is nearing the end or has passed ... ?

The key is doing the best we can while we can and knowing when we did / do our best to allow our self to be at peace with it. (It is a learning discipline of mindful thinking / process). It doesn't just happen by itself.

Another way to look at it, when you are at peace w your behavior, that energy is in the air / transmitted to your mom. She will get it on an energy level.

So, be mindful to consider
(1) shift / be in the moment (presence);
(2) accepting what you can and cannot do;
(3) acknowledging yourself for all you did and do;
(4) Know your energy is love and that love in transmitted to your mom, and it always will be - wherever she is.

(5) I learned decades ago that forgiveness is key to as peaceful an inner life as possible - for self and others. It is a way to release and be / feel okay with who we are in the moment. It is an ongoing practice. Perhaps meditation will help you. It helps me... even five minutes will be good - and change brain chemistry.

Gena
Touch Matters
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Why feel guilty for choosing quality time over quantity time? You would all be miserable if she moved in. This way, she can get competent care and can enjoy time with you, and you can have more energy to enjoy visits with her.
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Try to change your g-words as words we tell ourselves matter greatly. I suspect the g-word you are thinking of is grief. Grief that you cannot fix things and make it all perfect for everyone, cannot make everyone happy. You have a right to your life. Embrace your right and your limitations. You aren't God. You can't make everything perfect for everyone you love.
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