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So I will start out saying that I am here out of what I can only describe as desperation and total exhaustion from trying my best to help my once kind and loving 65 year old mom while she recovers from significant back surgery(s) but her behavior is beginning to Terrify me and I do not scare easily.. She will not even discuss being seen by a doctor and trusts no one, has increasingly isolated herself and determined that all her friends are "in cohoots with my dad who is 'out to get her'' - which I cannot overstate how ridiculous this statement is as our family grew up in a large group of close friends and their kids whom we all have considered family our entire lives (I am 35), and to think that Just because my mom and dad no longer get along and finally decided to get the divorce they should have gotten 30 years ago that "all of our close friends/family would betray her trust in a petty taking of sides with my dad is beyond delusional, yet here we are. She became so toxic and delusional with the accussations and hateful language that the last hangers on were finally driven away in what can only be described as acts of self preservation which Mom further lists as evidence in the grand conspiracy against her... She screams and cries, literally screaming and crying most nights from the second she lays down until the early morning hours as the sun rises and she can scream and holler and wail like I have never imagined was possible and then always claims that she either doesn't remember that or that I am lying which is further concerning... Her behavior has become beyond paranoid and hostile towards me at times despite my being the most solid, loving and caring rock in her life as I own my own business and have the luxury of working from a home office and can spend some time now trying to get her back to a state of normalcy but I guess I am trying to figure out what the hell to do next as I have no idea how to broach a subject such as having an exam done or how to find out if there is something serious like Alzheimer's going on when she won't even see a psychiatrist despite her constant agony and deep deep depression.... I am exhausted as she seems to have learned to scream even louder than my noise canceling head phones can block out now and then pretends that everything is normal and fine only to repeat the insanity over again and lash out at me over the silliest of things like a potted plant getting tipped over while we do something setting her into a screaming borderline violent rage and then tearful fit of scream/crying which goes on for hours and "has ruined such a perfect day" - I said to her mom if a plant falling causes this kind of reaction then there most certainly something else very wrong with this day already as this response does not match the event at all.... how have you all approached the subject of your Loved ones potential mental deterioration or age/situation related changes and decline because Thats where I am stuck as something obviously needs to be done in terms of helping her to live with a simblance of joy and independace again but I cannot for the life of me figure out what to do and my own doctor and psychiatrist were both rather un-helpful when I have asked for advice I am told she should "see a doctor"... REALLY??? you don't say! ugh.... any words of wisdom from any who have experienced similar changes and disturbing behaviors would be greatly welcome and appreciated. My mom was always a joyful, kind and wonderful, active woman who I fear is spiralling into a state from which she may not return if she doesnt seek help so Thanks and god bless you. I am grateful for all responses in advance and hopeful that someone has been where we are and knows a way to another, happier place in life. -Ryan-

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Ryan?when did this change occur with Mom and was it sudden or gradual?
You say Mom has been recovering from significant surgery on her back. When was this done and did anesthesia (general) have anything to do with this change?. That is to say did this change occur with the surgery?
Does your mother have any history of mental health issues?'Is your mother on strong pain medications? Who is speaking to your Mom's doctor on her behalf?
Has she had her urine checked. Urinary tract infects often occur following catheterization inhospital. If this is a sudden change it could be urine infection; you can get dip stick at your local pharmacy over the counter; ask the pharmacist to explain how to do it to see if a urine C&S should go in to MD.
You do not allow someone to scream and cry in bed. This will mean an ER visit for diagnosis if your mother will refuse to go to a doctor. You cannot allow this change in behavior to continue without help for your Mom. Call Adult Protective Services if you must and report a senior at risk. Tell them what you have told us. I wish you the best of luck and hope you will update us.
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MoMMaSBoYItaLy Jan 2021
her last back surgery was almost 10 months ago now sadly and she is not on any strong medications for the pain anymore as she is opiate sensitive and gets off of them as quickly as possible. She does Drink to much some nights for someone her age which further complicates EVERYTHING as it can be impossible to distinguish between real issues and those rought by the demon that can be booze in some... these problems have seemed to come on gradually to a degree but they certainly started 5 years ago when she had to have her first hip replacement which resulted in complications and 2 surgical rd-dos and a lot of agonyizing pain, my father leaving after 34 years married and her becoming increasingly more distraught and upset over his now 38 months old departure (which at the time my mom was glad for as he is somewhat of a constant a**hole and they had not lovingly been man and wife really for a long time) it all plays into this great tragedy that she sees her life as and she whips herself up into these incredible fits of morose and cyclicle self pity and rumination on any and all possible grievances/hardships that she has been burdened with seemingly forgetting that many people (myself included) have suffered great tragedies also yet we dig out of our holes and find new and often greater joy and purpose which is something she seems to have forgotten completely is an achievable goal and as stated by the first commentor I think It may be time for me to make the terribly tough decision to stop trying to fix her and leave it to real professionals seeing as my own mental health is suffering far to much at this point and I am only one person... Thanks ALL for your thoughts and advice/kindness every bit is a welcome and much needed ray of sunlight in a seeminlgly dark and incredibly frustrating situation.. I HATE being so powerless to help, but i am afraid that aside from calling 911 there may be little else I can do unless she voluntarily makes some doctors visits and soon. well see... thank you all again!
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My first thought(as your mom is very young)is that she's either having an adverse effect from the anesthesia from her back surgery, or has an UTI. Both will affect her memory and give her many of the symptoms of dementia. If it continues you can contact her Dr to see what he or she thinks, and they can order a urine specimen be taken. Good luck.
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If she refuses treatment then you should record the outbursts and call 911. You would tell them that she is a danger to herself or others and she will be transported to the hospital, even against her will.

You can not give her joy and happiness, this only comes from within. So please stop setting yourself up for failure by trying to accomplish something that you can not.

Whatever is happening will eventually drive you mad, no person can continue a normal life with this behavior nightly.

As hard as that call will be to make it will be the start of getting her the help that she obviously needs desperately.

Best of luck getting her the care that will help her lead a better life in this season of her life.
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MoMMaSBoYItaLy Jan 2021
this is what I was afraid would be the answer and know in my heart that it is what will have to be done but the last time it was tried it only deepened her paranoia, PTSD and resistance to any opening up to of doctors so i guess that I fear another call will again result in some resident asking 30 seconds of questions followed by another 24 hour hold where nothing is done and she comes back home in worse condition than when she went in but as you stated I cannot and will not be able to continue in the cycle that she is stuck in... I did sit her down in a rather normal state today and told her lovingly but firmly that continuing to do nothing in this state could not be an option and that I will not allow her to simply give up on her life without at least attempting to seek medical help and reminded her how quick she would be as a nurse to agree that her behavior and mental state must be adressed by a physicician and it seems that may have gotten through to her just a little bit so Fingers crossed tomorrow we agreed to make appointments at Duke which has some incredible doctors and if I can get her to someone then at least we are moving in the right direction.... Thanks for the honest and straight forward answer despite already being acutely aware of its truth and necessity I guess I needed to hear someone else say it to regain the courage needed to act and remind myself it is out of love and not some act of betrayal (which she will swear to her grave that it was, of the deepest and worst kind.... sadly) thanks and good luck to you I will update with better news hopefully if this week goes any bit like I am hopeful for the first time in a while that it might.
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So Ryan......exactly how much booze is your mother drinking that she's screaming all night and having no memory of doing so? Alcohol is a depressant, added on top of a depressed individual who has some other mental illness at play = a recipe for pure disaster.

She may be drinking a whole lot more than you realize, and THIS may be at the ROOT of much of the behavior you're seeing. Some people are very miserable and sad weepy drunks. If you're unsure of her alcohol intake, search the garbage for empty bottles, the cabinets, garage and dresser drawers for bottles stashed, things like that.
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Prayers to you that she follows through and gets help without you having to make that 911 call.

It sounds like you putting your foot down and saying that she can no longer keep the status quo gets her attention.

When she starts on the self pity you just have to ignore it or call it for the bs it is. I would be telling my mom, yeah, I am against you, that's why we are living together and you're making my life a living nightmare with your self pity indulgence.

Oh and no more alcohol. This pity party attitude is definitely being made worse by the nightly over indulgence. She is quite frankly being very selfish to self medicate this way.
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Your mom needs an in-patient psyciatric evaluation.

You need to call 911 to get her that, it seems.

In any decent hospital, that will include ruling out medical reasons for her delusions and psych symptoms.

Please call 911 and get her the help she needs.
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