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Blended family question: 92 yr. old man who is not yet incapacitated, designated his daughter as his durable POA. Daughter does not get along with his wife, her step mother. Recently, the man asked his wife's children to move her into assisted living. It was her children's understanding that they both were at an age where they needed help due to falls and weakness. The man told her children that he would provide a set amount of money to her and that he would be moving in with his daughter.



Her children moved her however, he did not move, and he asked his durable POA daughter to move in with him.



She is taking care of his paperwork, bills, etc. He did not disclose to his wife the amount of assets they had together - only an amount that he designated for her. We, her children, are puzzled. Did he buy her out of his will? Does she have more assets available to her? If something were to happen to him, can the daughter withhold those assets? Do we need to obtain a lawyer for her?

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Yes, get a lawyer now before assets are hidden or gone.
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DrBenshir Dec 10, 2023
Oh yes! Also, if there is no pre-nup, there may be state laws that entitle the wife to a percentage of the joint estate. In our state it is 50%, which would invalidate any later will reducing that amount. If they own property jointly, she is entitled to rent from anyone other than him living there. Have they filed taxes jointly? She needs copies of all of those joint returns. They are her property too and cannot be withheld. My late MIL ran into these types of problems. His kids convinced him to rewrite his will. They did have a pre-nup so she was protected, but it disrupted family relationships permanently. Her husband suffered the most, because they really had a loving relationship. Good luck!
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The father, who is NOT incapacitated is responsible for his own bills, his wife's costs and etc. But he CAN go to an elder law attorney and ask for division of finances.

The POAs for the WIFE, I assume her OWN children should attend an elder law attorney and bring suit on father for division on finances, legal separation, whatever is required. The father will be allowed to keep his finances he had prior to this second marriage that he has not melded with his current wife's finances separate of any division of finances.

No POA EVER EVER EVER under any circumstances is able to change a will.

The point here is that you have the children of one spouse and the children of another spouse at war over financials when one of the spouses IS incapacitated.

This isn't DIY stuff. You cannot do it yourself.
This is a LEGAL question and requires an attorney to give options. As Dr Laura observes, these usually aren't blended families so much as they are a messy salad. You need to seek expert legal advice.

Again, remember that marital assets have legal definitions. They are assets accumulated during the life of the marriage or melded, say in the joint ownership of a home. They do not include assets held separately, earned before the marriage, not melded. Again, these are legal questions. Whomever is seeing an attorney for the now incompetent wife will need guardianship or conservatorship or POA for her and will need access to assets. I doubt this will be forthcoming other than by legal action.
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Sle247365 Dec 11, 2023
Dearest Alvadeer, I don't believe I have ever sent you a note to say "Thank you!". I often think that you are one of the most insightful, knowledgeable and very helpful with kindness and grace in your answers but also pull no punches and are direct with your posts. Just wanted to say Thanx.
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This is not something you and your family should attempt to handle on your own.

Hire an attorney immediately to protect your mother.

Keep posting it will help.
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Lawyer up--ASAP.

If something smells fishy, it probably is.
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Mom or her POA need to see an elder lawyer and have their assets split. She is entitled to half of the marital assets. He is still responsible for her care. POA only is in effect if the principle is incompetent.
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POAs cannot change wills. And the POA would cease at the death of the father. He and his wife should both have wills, but if the wife is not mentally competent, it's too late for her to have a will, living will and POAs, if she doesn't already have them. Make sure all of his (and his wife's) paperwork is in order: will, POAs for financial and health care, living will (with his advance medical directives). If the father is still of sound mind, he should be the one to change his will, but there are state laws that determine to some extent what his spouse will get. The state will most likely require that the wife is supported for her lifetime, if there are assets. He should get the assistance of an attorney who specializes in elder law and estates, if he doesn't already have one. Before he passes or becomes incapacitated it would be best for his POA to work with him to create a list of his and his wife's assets and the contact information for each asset (name of institution where it is held, amount, website, contact person, email/telephone, etc.). Make sure to find out who is the primary owner of each asset (primary social security number). It would also be helpful if he would show his POAs his will and living will (advance medical directives). Also, it may be a good time to set up all of his accounts online, if he will agree to it. It makes it easier to handle things if/when he becomes incapacitate. Hopefully he will be a responsible adult and will share this information with his POA. All the best to your family.
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Contact an attorney.
ALWAYS contact an attorney vs relying on responses here, which are specific to their own situation / circumstances / and other legal considerations.

These family relationships are or can be very stressful / sticky ... although I believe the bottom line is who has legal authority.

Gena / Touch Matters
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This post kind of confuses me on a couple of levels.

"He did not disclose to his wife the amount of assets they had together - only an amount that he designated for her." Did the man not disclose to HER or to HER children?

"Recently, the man asked his wife's children to move her into assisted living." This does not indicate that the woman is incapacitated. Only that she was no longer able to live in their home. I'm assuming this was originally under the plan for him to move in with his own daughter and she would need to have somewhere to live without him.

It then sounds like plans either changed (or were potentially never in place to begin with) and they decided instead to stay there and have his daughter move in and take care of him.

Is this home in THEIR names or did he own it before they got married? Should he be buying her out of her portion in order to stay? She would be entitled to half of any assets that they shared from THEIR marriage. Unless of course there was some prenuptial agreement that superseded. Anything they each brought into the marriage would belong to them alone in most cases. He can't just decide he is going to designate a certain amount to her and keep everything else if she is entitled to more. So a lawyer would definitely be prudent.

But based on the way that the post is written, I'm not sure that either party is actually incapacitated yet. It just sounded like they were both needing more care than they could help each other with, and maybe a little bit of a fast one was pulled in order to get the stepmother out of the house in order for the father and stepdaughter to remain there.
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Sle247365 Dec 11, 2023
I find more questions here as well. Kinda sounds like this man is trying to divorce his wife but to avoid giving her what she has earned as his wife. Has his wife just become too much trouble for him so he dumped her on her children to deal with? If she needed to be moved, why didn't he find a place for her? An attorney is essential in this situation, as others have already advised.
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A POA cannot change a will. These are two separate things.

The daughter's Durable POA only means she can manage her father's finances if it is medically determined that he is unable to do this for himself. If the daughter is doing paper work and paying his bills now, that is just a convenience arrangement between the two of them. Father can have anyone he wants to help with papetwork. That does not give his daughter personal access to his accounts or assetts. She does not have that power even now when her father fan make his own decisions. She is currently just his "secretary."
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Jada824 Dec 2, 2023
POA cannot change a will or trust but they can certainly influence the parent to do so especially without anyone else around to witness it
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Hire an attorney ASAP to see what your mom is entitled to. Sounds to me like something sneaky is going on.
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irwind45150 Dec 2, 2023
Depending on the "wife's children" even ASAP could be too late. GET that Attorney, and if financially able, make sure they are an ELDER CARE Attorney. They are familiar with State and Federal laws, rules, and regulations regarding property and other assets. If anyone is to be "disinherited" the Attorney will be able to properly phrase the will or trust to ensure her Dad's wishes are followed. BLENDED Family can be a nightmare without the legal help (I've dealt with the His, Hers, and Ours as a DPOA, and the trust was the only way I was able to do what was necessary.)
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Skeebo:

There are many unanswered questions here, and it seems to me that there’s something else going on here especially with your stepsister being involved. How long was your mother married to your stepfather? Did your mother work and is she entitled to Social Security benefits? Did your stepfather own the home before his marriage to your mother? If your stepfather owned this home before the marriage and he did not commingle his asses/home with your mother then the home and his assets belong to him only and your mother cannot claim any rights to what he owned before the marriage.

As everyone here on this forum has advised you, you need to speak to an attorney. If your mother did not work and she did not pay into Social Security, perhaps your mother would be able to collect Social Security on her husband’s earnings if he paid into Social Security. Seek the advice of a matrimonial attorney who would examine all of your stepfather’s assets to see what your mother is entitled to. Also, this whole thing sounds to me like your stepfather might be planning to divorce your mother.
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Skeebo: Retain an attorney posthaste.
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No. A POA cannot have a Will changed that was done in advance by the person before the POA became active.
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Most states pretty much assume that property/resources in a marriage will be used for the needs of both spouses. Check with a lawyer in the state that the husband lives in to get a better understanding of the laws regarding this situation. Mom may need to have her own POA. If not, the laws where she lives states who makes decisions for her care: spouse is first, then her children (usually all together), then her siblings... step-children may or may not have any legal rights. The daughter must make decisions that support her dad's concerns - including his wife. This is why you may need a lawyer. Ask for a copy of the will, realize that daughter is not obligated to give you that since it only kicks in after her dad passes.
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Nobody can change anyone’s will.
You need lawyer or your mother does, any spouse has every right to full financial disclosure.
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Like everyone has said get an attorney yesterday. DPOA can not change a trust and if still married a trust can't be changed without your Mothers approval. It sounds like your Stepfathers daughter is doing undue influence to your Stepfather. When parents are at that age they can be easily intimidated and influenced. Not sure if your Mom has dementia and has been diagnosed by two doctors if so there trust hopefully they made together can not be changed now, unless of course your stepfather is also filing for divorce. Good -luck to you blended family are very difficult if ironclad trust weren't made before marriage or during.
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